Columbo

Columbo (1968, 1971–1978, 1989–2003) was an American crime fiction television show about Lieutenant Columbo, a homicide detective with the Los Angeles Police Department. He uses his deferential and absent-minded persona to lull criminal suspects into a false sense of security, by harassing and pestering suspects non-stop-- without letting them know that they're suspects-- under the pretense that he's simply being a pesky detective, in order to spy on them and agitate them into giving up clues.

Pilot TV Movies

Prescription: Murder

Flemming: Oh, Doctor, I'm the patient's husband. Is she, is she alright?

Doctor: I'm sorry. She passed away.

Flemming: Did she...did she say anything?

Doctor: If it's any consolation, the one thing she said was your name.

Lt. Columbo: I was wondering, Doctor. Would you take me on as a patient?

Flemming: Take you on as a what?!?

Lt. Columbo: No, I mean it. Maybe you can help me. I don't know that-- There must something wrong with me. I seem to bother people. I seem to make them nervous and maybe you could tell me why.

Flemming: You never stop, do you?

Lt. Columbo: What?

Flemming: The insinuations, the change of pace. You're a bag of tricks, Columbo, right down to that prop cigar you use.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, come on, Doc.

Flemming: I'm going to tell you something about yourself. You think you need a psychologist. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but you are a textbook example of compensation.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, what, Doc?

Flemming: Compensation. Adaptability. You're an intelligent man, Columbo, but you hide it. You pretend you're something you're not. Why, because of your appearance you think you can't get by on looks or polish, so you turn a defect into a virtue. You take people by surprise. They underestimate you. And that's where you trip them up.

Flemming: You know, sometimes I get the impression you think I killed my wife.

Lt. Columbo: You? Oh no, Doc. How could you? You were out of town.

Flemming: I'm glad you remembered that. Unless you think I hired someone to kill her. The boy who confessed, maybe I paid him to do it.

Lt. Columbo: No, Doc. You didn't do that.

Flemming: How do you know?

Lt. Columbo: I already asked him.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, I'm sorry. I was, uh, I was just thinking about something.

Gordon: What was that?

Lt. Columbo: No, it's nothing important. It's, uh, Dr. Flemming, he didn't call to his wife when he came back to his apartment.

Gordon: I don't follow you.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, well, I was in the bedroom. I was checking some things and I heard him open the front door and he didn't say anything. Gee, it's funny how people are different, isn't it? Now you take myself. When I come home from a trip, uh, first thing I do is I say, "Honey, you here?"

Gordon: [annoyed] Exactly what is your point, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo: Point? Well, I wasn't making a point.

Ransom For a Dead Man

Lt. Columbo: Mrs. Williams, you have no conscience and that's your weakness. Did it ever occur to you that there are very few people who would take money to forget about a murder? It didn't, did it? I knew it wouldn't.

Leslie: You know Columbo, you're almost likeable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks.

Lt. Columbo: Me? Tricks?

Leslie: The humility, the seeming absentmindedness, the homey anecdotes about the family, the wife, you know.

Lt. Columbo: Really?

Leslie: Yeah, Lt. Columbo fumbling and stumbling along but it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that more often than not he's successful.

Leslie: Lt. Columbo?

Lt. Columbo: Yeah?

Leslie: Thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

Agent Carlson: Let's understand this one thing. If you start harassing this woman I'm going to take it upstairs.

Lt. Columbo: Um, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. It's like this. This is not just a kidnapping. This is a murder now and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya around.

Lt. Columbo: Did she ask where the body was?

Agent Carlson: No.

Lt. Columbo: I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't ask how her husband was killed, did she?

Carlson: No.

Lt. Columbo: That's what I thought.

Leslie: Now, when their attorney cross examines you about the accident, cry.

Client: About what?

Leslie: Everything, especially when he asks you how fast you were going when you hit their car.

Lt. Columbo: Say, you know the soap you have in the bathroom, the ones shaped like little lemons?

Leslie: Yes.

Lt. Columbo: Well, I was almost afraid to use them.

Leslie: But that's what they're there for, Lieutenant, to be used.

Lt. Columbo: Well, if you don't mind my asking, when you use one and you put it back in the plate, how do you keep it from sticking to the others?

Leslie: It's a problem.

Lt. Columbo: That's what I figured.

Season One

Murder By the Book [1.1]

Lt. Columbo: Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.

Ken Franklin: Naw!

Lt. Columbo: Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

Ken Franklin: That's a provocative statement. Can you prove that?

Lt. Columbo: Yes. Not with the witness 'cause you killed the witness. But I got another way to prove it.

Ken Franklin: Will you enlighten me? I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand.

Lt. Columbo: So you don't think I'm going to be able to find a cabin to rent, huh?

Ken Franklin: Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people.

Lt. Columbo: Uh huh. Because I think it would be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks.

Ken Franklin: [laughs] Yeah.

Ken Franklin: Now, wait a minute. You, you look like you're troubled. Is there some reason for your question?

Lt. Columbo: Uh, it's your mail.

Ken Franklin: My mail?

Lt. Columbo: Isn't it funny how people are different? Now, me, if I found my partner dead I'd never think of opening my letters.

Ken Franklin: But I-I-I just did it to distract myself. I mean you gotta remember one thing. That's a great shock.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

Lt. Columbo: I don't understand.

Ken Franklin: Well, that's painfully obvious. One of these men had Jim killed.

Lt. Columbo: Really? Why?

Ken Franklin: Tell me something-- how long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant? Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that. [snaps his fingers]

Lt. Columbo: Look, I, I wanna take all the help I can get.

Ken Franklin: I'll tell you something, Lieutenant. See, if Mrs. Melville were on this case, oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.

Lt. Columbo: Is that the lady in the books?

Lt. Columbo: You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth. For awhile there I never thought I was gonna get you. Believe me, you had me going in such circles. I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I thought of something-- how clever that first murder was-- the phone gimmick, working in late in the office. Brilliant!

Ken Franklin: Are you awarding gold medals today?

Lt. Columbo: Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

Death Lends a Hand [1.2]

Arthur Kennicut: What would you have done if the car hadn't broken down? You couldn't set up this trap.

Lt. Columbo: Well, I guess we would have found some other way. You know what this place reminds me of, just seeing all these cars? You know, in our neighborhood we had a bunch of jokers. I mean we were a real loud bunch of guys and we figured out a perfect way to put a car out of commission. You take a potato, you stick it in the exhaust pipe. Doesn't cause any damage but the car won't start. It was a terrible thing to do. And I got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all those jokes I played when I was a kid.

Lt. Columbo: I was just wondering because your beach house and his beach house, they're fairly close, aren't they?

Brimmer: No. It's a couple of miles.

Lt. Columbo: That close! Isn't that a coincidence! I'll tell ya, this case is just full of 'em.

Lt. Columbo: Isn't that weird? What a coincidence!

Brimmer: What's that?

Lt. Columbo: Here a moment ago we were talking about lefthanded people and you're lefthanded.

Lt. Columbo: [During a lesson with the golf pro he's investigating] Listen, can I help you out? Don't say anything else. You don't have an attorney. Wait until you get an attorney. This way you can hurt your case. Believe me, I know something about my business. I don't know nothing about golf, you know. See, that's your business. I know something about my business. And believe me, you know, down through the years, uh, you get so that you, uh, you develop a nose for things, you see, and, uh [makes a perfect swing] after a while the ol' nose just tells you when someone is not giving you the truth. Now, uh, I'm gonna forget about the lesson because I could never learn this game but I'll be back to talk to ya.

Dead Weight [1.3]

Lt. Columbo: Well, if it was me, if it was my gun, I would take very good care of that gun. I'd have it in my apartment where people could see it. And I would keep it polished and I would keep it oiled. And I would keep it loaded. And when a certain Colonel Dutton came to see me and threatened to expose me, that's the gun that I would use.

Lt. Columbo: [At the exhibition of the General's war memorabilia] Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored. You know, I think it's almost too nice. I mean all that concern about clothes. It's kinda vain, don't you think?

Helen Stewart: Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look like an unmade bed.

General Martin Hollister: [aboard the General's boat] I don't see how a man with the name of Columbo, shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?

Lt. Columbo: Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

General Martin Hollister: Look! What do you see?

Helen Stewart: Your house.

General Martin Hollister: And in the window?

Helen Stewart: I can't see anything because of the reflection of the sun on the water.

General Martin Hollister: You know, you said you saw a shooting there about this same time of day.

Lt. Columbo: You know what strikes me? You're the one that downgrades yourself. One dinner with General Hollister and you begin to doubt your senses.

Suitable For Framing [1.4]

Dale Kingston: You notice, no matter how abstract the painter, he always signs his name realistically, doesn't he.

Dale Kingston: Wait a minute. You mean, you think the thief was a woman?

Lt. Columbo: One of them.

Dale Kingston: ONE of them?

Lt. Columbo: Well, there were too many pictures there for one person to carry, don't ya think? And besides, the burglar alarm thing, you know, there's only one way to really beat that, is if you have somebody else from the inside open the door.

Dale Kingston: I don't think I understand.

Lt. Columbo: You know what? That's the trouble. Neither do I.

Lt. Columbo: You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. I hope you don't mind.

Dale Kingston: Oh, that's your job. And?

Lt. Columbo: Uh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, alright. So that if Mr. Mathews was killed at 11:00 you sure didn't do it.

Dale Kingston: Now, isn't that a shame? And here I am your best and most obvious suspect, too.

Lt. Columbo: Ah, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?

Dale Kingston: Yes.

Lt. Columbo: Quite a place!

Dale Kingston: Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.

Lt. Columbo: That's right, it isn't. But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?

Dale Kingston: [sarcastically] My, how observant you are!

Lt. Columbo: [to upset Mrs. Matthews] Now I want you to go right ahead and I want you to forget about all this. Just do what my wife does. 'Cause when she hits a department store, she just can forget anything, even the fact that I'm sitting outside waiting.

Dale Kingston: Alright, Lieutenant, you claim that I planted these paintings. Suppose you prove it.

Lt. Columbo: [looking at the fingerprint expert] Can we?

Expert: Yeah.

Lt. Columbo: [looking back at Kingston] Yeah. With fingerprints.

Lt. Columbo: Well, you see, he pulled the rug out from under you when he left his collection to Mrs. Mathews so you only had one thing that you could do-- murder him and blame it on her.

Short Fuse [1.6]

Doris Buckner: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police and he said he'd send over his very best man?

Roger Sanford: [looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?

Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.

Lt. Columbo: See, now there you go. You're looking at your watch again.

Roger Sanford: Will you do me a favor? Will you please keep quiet?

Lt. Columbo: Why? It's only a dumb theory of mine.

Lt. Columbo: You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find sometimes. Sometimes it's right in front of you and you can't prove it.

Lt. Columbo: Now you see, my problem with Chemistry, that started way back in high school 'cause in my junior year I, I had to get a better grade. So I said to heck with this Chemistry stuff. I'll take another year of wood shop. You know, you just build a birdhouse and if you paint it red you get an A.

Season Two

Étude in Black [2.1]

Lt. Columbo: I can't imagine anyone murdering themselves, especially a young girl like that. Beautiful eyes. But that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.

Lt. Columbo: Anyway, I happened to be in the neighborhood today. That's not true. I really came out here to see you. I don't want to appear presumptious.

Lt. Columbo: Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this—how much do you make?

Alex Benedict: I uh, I think that is very impertinent, how much do I make.

Lt. Columbo: Tours?

Alex Benedict: I don't know.

Lt. Columbo: Concerts?

Alex Benedict: I don't know.

Lt. Columbo: Publishing?

Alex Benedict: I don't know.

Lt. Columbo: Well, et cetera, et cetera. I make $11,000 a year. So at $11,000 a year, I got $750,000 for the house, $18,000 in taxes, 200 in furniture. How much help do you have?

Alex Benedict: I have five including the gardener.

Lt. Columbo: You got that and the money plus, plus, plus. 11,000 times 10 years, 110,000. 110,000 times 100 years is 1.1 million. Well, let's say 900,000. That's 90 years work for me just to live here, without eating.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, listen, just one more thing. Uh. I know you don't agree but at least I've convinced my superiors that Jennifer Welles was murdered. It was not a suicide and they've officially assigned me to the case. That's my specialty, you know. Homicide.

Lt. Columbo: Listen Paul, do you happen to know the name of the other guy?

Paul Rifkin: I never asked.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.

Lt. Columbo: [looking at film, calls to projectionist] Freeze! [points to screen] There's the flower! Now that's plain as day! Where did it come from?

Alex Benedict: I don't know. What difference does it make?

Lt. Columbo: Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?

Alex Benedict: Are you actually trying to pin this murder on me with, with that?

Lt. Columbo: Yes.

The Greenhouse Jungle [2.2]

Lt. Columbo: You see that?

Jarvis Goodland: What is it?

Lt. Columbo: Third bullet. Also a 32-caliber and also proven by Ballistics to have been fired by the same weapon that fired the first two bullets. Mr. Goodland, I just don't know how you're gonna explain this.

Gloria: Look, I mean I said he wasn't a very strong person. But then who is? I mean, look at me. I eat carbohydrates all the time.

Sgt. Wilson: I asked permission from Captain Richey to work right along side you, sir.

Lt. Columbo: [dismayed] You're going to work along with me?

Sgt. Wilson: I do hope that's acceptable to you, sir. Uh, Captain Richey did say you were fast becoming [pause] a legend in the department.

Lt. Columbo: Captain Richey said that?

Sgt. Wilson: Oh yes, indeed.

Lt. Columbo: [pleased] Oh.

Lt. Columbo: It's a little... steep. But I'll tell ya, it was the quickest way down.

Sgt. Wilson: Oh, by far, sir.

Sgt. Wilson: Lieutenant-- Lieutenant? As you probably noticed, there are 3 cups, 3 plates, 3 different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.

Lt. Columbo: Yeah. Awfully obvious.

Sgt. Wilson: Did you ever see one of these before, Lieutentant?

Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, not sure I have. Looks kind of familiar, though.

Sgt. Wilson: It's a camera mounted starlight scope. They use them quite a bit at Burglary for night work.

Lt. Columbo: You mean that takes pictures in the dark?

Sgt. Wilson: [nods] I bought this one myself.

Lt. Columbo: You used your own money?

Sgt. Wilson: Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.

Lt. Columbo: You must be a bachelor.

The Most Crucial Game [2.3]

Lt. Columbo: Uh, sir?

Walter Cunnell: Yes?

Lt. Columbo: You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?

Walter Cunnell: No.

Lt. Columbo: What'd you pay for those shoes?

Walter Cunnell: I think about 60 dollars.

Lt. Columbo: I stepped into some water yesterday and ruined mine. You don't know where I could find a pair that looks like that for around 16 or 17?

Walter Cunnell: 16 or 17? Sorry, I don't really, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Thank you.

Paul Hanlon: Columbo, I'm trying to watch this game! What is it?

Lt. Columbo: You know, you did the same thing the first time I came in here last Sunday. I guess that's what started me wondering.

Paul Hanlon: I did what?

Lt. Columbo: You turned the radio down but not quite off. When I told you that Eric Wagner was dead. It's alright. I do the same thing. You know, when I'm listening to the game and my wife interrupts, I can't help myself. I want to hear that game and I don't care how the important the interruption.

Paul Hanlon: [annoyed] Your wife has my sympathy.

Paul Hanlon: [yelling] Columbo, I'm going to throw you out of here on your ear!

Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't do that, sir. I mean, you'll miss the best part. You see, I'm not finished.

Lt. Columbo: You know, I listened to this thing I can't tell ya how many times, over and over again, figuring maybe I'd hear something that shouldn't be there, some sound that shouldn't be there, an ambulance, a fire truck, like you were in a phone booth, something...

Paul Hanlon: [impatiently] But you didn't because it isn't there. I made the call from this booth, from that phone.

Lt. Columbo: Then it suddenly occurred to me. I had it backwards. Maybe there was a sound that should be there and wasn't.

Dagger of the Mind [2.4]

Lt. Columbo: Is that Big Ben?

Superintendent Durk: Yes, it is.

Lt. Columbo: Well, look at that, a thing that old and it´s only a minute slow.

Lt. Columbo: I just never have seen anything like you. Like that performance you both just gave...

Nicholas Frame: Thank you. I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy. No hard feelings?

Lt. Columbo: And you both must be exhausted. I don't know how you do it.

Lilian Stanhope: With innocent, loving hearts. Good night, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual. Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know, when my wife and I try to remember what happened yesterday or the day before, well, we don't agree on anything. And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the exact same words to tell about it. [pauses to let his words sink in] Good night.

Lt. Columbo: Marvelous. Let me tell ya, I don't want to repeat myself but the other night when I saw that performance that you two--

Nicholas Frame: Durk, would you please explain what we're doing here.

Superintendent Durk: [indicating Columbo] Why don't you ask the tour guide?

Requiem for a Falling Star [2.5]

Lt. Columbo: [Nora has exchanged Columbo's tie with an attractive gold one] Yeah, I was thinking. Uh, I've got an anniversary coming up next week. I wonder if I could have that back and save this for a special occasion.

Nora Chandler: Sure, here. Why don't you get your wife to take you on a shopping tour for your anniversary, huh? Take a look at [looking down his body] some suits, some shirts, slacks, socks, shoes...

Mr. Fallen: Actors, Lieutenant. Take my advice. Avoid actors. They'll kill ya.

Lt. Columbo: Well, thanks Mr. Fallen. I'll be sure to tell your boss I appreciate your hospitality.

Mr. Fallen: I AM the boss.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, gee. You know it never occurred to me. I mean anybody so young--

Mr. Fallen: It's alright. I would never typecast you as a detective either.

Lt. Columbo: September 16, 1960. That was the day you ordered the fountain.

Nora Chandler: Well, I don't remember the exact day.

Lt. Columbo: September 15, the day before. That was the day your husband disappeared. Now it starts to make some sense. I have a possible explanation for why the fountain doesn't run. In order to lay water pipe somebody would have to dig up the lawn, wouldn't they?

A Stitch in Crime [2.6]

Lt. Columbo: You were both nurses, is that right?

Marsha Talbot: Yes, but Sharon always was devoted to healing. She always worked in hospitals. Myself, I work in Beverly Hills for a plastic surgeon because I selfishly enjoy being with middle to upper middle class people. However, I don't meet any single men unless they're ready for face lifts.

Lt. Columbo: You know, in a way I have to congratulate you. Up until now, you really had me going. I mean, here you are, you're a surgeon, a man that's gotta be cool. Even when you're angry you're controlled. You never lose yourself. That's why it struck me funny when you blew up in the operating room and you grabbed me and pushed me. I mean, you know, there was only one thing we didn't search. You know what it was? It was me.

Lt. Columbo: It certainly looks like it's one on me, doesn't it? You know, I really believed it all fit together. All the pieces, everything. The killing of the nurse, everything. Well, it goes to show you, Doc, maybe I've been at this job too long. Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.

Dr. Barry Mayfield: You'll be alright, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.

Lt. Columbo: Because that would explain why Miss Martin was so bothered after the operation and it would explain why she wanted to see the chemist at the company that made the suture. That's murder. That certainly is. No question about it.

[Dr. Mayfield starts laughing]

Lt. Columbo: What's so funny?

Dr. Barry Mayfield: Excuse me, Lieutenant. I had to play it as though you were serious. You don't really believe all those foolish things you say, do you?

Lt. Columbo: [angrily slams carafe down on desk] I believe you killed Sharon Martin and I believe you're trying to kill Dr. Hidemann.

Dr. Barry Mayfield: Lt. Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence. You have perception. You have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.

Lt. Columbo: I want you to take good care of Dr. Hidemann because if he dies we're going to have to have an autopsy, aren't we? I mean, we're going to have to know whether a heart attack killed him or rather it was just a dissolving suture.

Dr. Barry Mayfield: Maybe Marcia knows more than she's telling

Lt. Columbo: Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.

The Most Dangerous Match [2.7]

Mazoor Berozski: [after discovering that the toothbrush in Dudek's suitcase is not his but his roommate's] Lieutenant, then Tomlin Dudek could not have packed his own suitcase.

Lt. Columbo: That's what I was trying to get around to, sir, yes. And if somebody else packed it who didn't know that he wore dentures then--

Mazoor Berozski: Then his accident was not an accident!

Lt. Columbo: I, uh, thought you'd like to know, sir, that, uh, I think that is a possibility, yes sir.

Emmett Clayton: Well, chess is the ultimate test of the human mind, isn't it?

Tomlin Dudek: You think so? I always thought it was women.

Lt. Columbo: The murderer just had to be a deaf man.

Double Shock [2.8]

Lt. Columbo: [walking through a casino] How long has this been going on?

Dexter Paris: First time in Vegas, huh?

Lt. Columbo: Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws. We ended up in Animal Land. It was nothing like this.

Dexter Paris: When I talked to my brother Norman, I did tell him that Hathaway and Lisa Chambers were going to meet at 5:00.

Lt. Columbo: You did?

Dexter Paris: Yeah. Well, well, good ol' Norman, my banker brother. I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.

Lt. Columbo: I would tend to agree with that, yes.

Lt. Columbo: It's a shame that two brothers don't get along like that.

Michael Hathaway: Which one of them do you suspect?

Lt. Columbo: I beg your pardon?

Michael Hathaway: [laughs] Come now, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Well, sir, the trouble there is it seems to me they both have pretty good motives. I'm very big on motive.

Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry, Mrs. Peck, but I think this time they needed each other so much that they both did something very bad.

Mrs. Peck: Bum! You are a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! [showing dish to lawyer] You see this!

Lt. Columbo: I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.

Lt. Columbo: Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you. I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant so I don't expect you to like me. But I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I, I, I don't know, I just can't correct that. I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy, that's my nature. But I've never been un-, I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck. And, and if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed the man you worked for for 33 years, well, then, well then I think you're a very unfair person. [leaves]

Mrs. Peck: Lt. Columbo! [Columbo returns] I know that you're a very hard-working officer and I would like to offer you a plate of Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.

Lt. Columbo: Thank you. I'm extremely fond of health cookies.

Season Three

Lovely but Lethal [3.1]

Lt. Columbo: They were written with a black eyebrow pencil. I spotted it right away because that's what my wife always uses when she makes out her grocery list. When she goes into her purse that's the only kind of pencil she can ever find.

Viveca Scott: Then you're wasting your time here, aren't you Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo: What do you mean?

Viveca Scott: You're talking to a redhead. Brunettes use black eyebrow pencil.

Sergeant: Hey, Lieutenant! What are you lookin' for?

Lt. Columbo: Salt for my egg. I usually carry a shaker in my pocket.

Lt. Columbo: Say, Miss Scott? Can I ask you a personal question?

Viveca Scott: Yes.

Lt. Columbo: It's, uh, well, you know it has to do with these pictures. You always wear a beauty mark. Only, this morning you don't have it on.

Viveca Scott: Oh, is that all? It's just one of those things I never do before lunch time, darling. Bye-bye.

Lt. Columbo: No. What I was wondering about was, uh, how do you put those things on? I mean, do you stick 'em on or do you paint 'em on or, uh... [she just stares at him] Well, I can tell you're not interested and your mind's someplace else. Don't worry about it. I'll ask somebody else.

Viveca Scott: Oh, no, Lieutenant. I don't mind telling you. I use an eyebrow pencil, of course. A black one.

Lt. Columbo: Still trying to figure out where I got my poison ivy.

Viveca Scott: Poor thing. Still worried about your itch.

Lt. Columbo: Are you worried about yours?

Lt. Columbo: Where there's a microscope, there's always a slide.

Any Old Port in a Storm [3.2]

Adrian Carsini: Titian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red. And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.

Karen Fielding: [at a wine auction] Do you really need it, Mr. Carsini?

Adrian Carsini: Nobody really needs a $5000 bottle of wine, Karen. I just don't want anybody else to have it.

Lt. Columbo: You two didn't have a fight or anything, did you?

Joan Stacey: No, but...

Columbo: Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?

Joan Stacey: Three times.

Lt. Columbo: Three times? I guess his feet are warm enough by now.

Adrian Carsini: That's ironic.

Lt. Columbo: Sir?

Adrian Carsini: Well, I-I'm probably one of the few men in the world that could have told you that wine was spoiled and-and told you it was because it was overheated.

Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. It required a very delicate palate.

Karen Fielding: You're trying to turn me back into an employee.

Adrian Carsini: You were never anything but an employee.

Karen Fielding: Not anymore, Adrian, not anymore. I'm your partner now. And I intend on getting a great deal more from you than 700 a month and two weeks paid vacation. I gave you twelve years of my life. Now it's your turn to give me something.

Adrian Carsini: You can't force me into loving you, Karen.

Karen Fielding: Maybe not. But you don't have to love me to marry me. Lots of marriages have been built on much less.

Lt. Columbo: I want you to teach me everything you know.

Wine Expert: It took me forty years to acquire my expertise.

Lt. Columbo: Well, what can you do in an hour and a half?

Wine Expert: Oh, just the very basics.

Lt. Columbo: Let's start with this-- How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?

Wine Expert: By the price.

Lt. Columbo: Do I get a confession, sir?

Adrian Carsini: Oh yes. I'll confess. There's no remorse attached to it. It's a great weight off my mind as a matter of fact.

Lt. Columbo: Why's that, sir?

Adrian Carsini: Well you see, Karen had guessed the truth. She was turning the thumbscrews on me. She's, uh, quite a little iron maiden, that lady. I guess freedom is purely relative.

Adrian Carsini: You've learned very well, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Thank you, sir. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

Candidate for Crime [3.3]

Nelson Hayward: I've been calling the papers. I called your commissioner's office from Fresno. But what's being done, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo: Uh.

Nelson Hayward: Sit down, sit down.

Lt. Columbo: So far, sir, we don't have a thing.

Nelson Hayward: Oh, that's disheartening.

Lt. Columbo: Officially, that is.

Nelson Hayward: And unofficially?

Lt. Columbo: Unofficially we don't have anything either.

Nelson Hayward: Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change in wardrobe?

Lt. Columbo: Oh no, no. Oh, well, every once in a while I think of getting a new coat. There's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fella.

Nelson Hayward: Looks very functional.

Lt. Columbo: Thank you.

[Columbo is at Hayward's swanky Beverly Hills tailor ordering a jacket]

Lt. Columbo: What I mean is, would it, uh, fit...

Mr. Chadwick: Would it fit your personality?

Lt. Columbo: My style, is what I'm...

Mr. Chadwick: Personality? Style?

Lt. Columbo: Right.

Mr. Chadwick: Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Lt. Columbo: You're sure?

Mr. Chadwick: Guaranteed you'll be most satisfied.

Lt. Columbo: Cause I want to look-- I'm going to an affair, you see.

Mr. Chadwick: Splendid, an affair!

Lt. Columbo: Yeah, my wife, she's in a bowling league. They're having this dinner dance. It's an annual thing. You know, $17.50 a couple. I want to look good.

Lt. Columbo: Would you believe it, the first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.

Nelson Hayward: [laughing] I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.

Lt. Columbo: What do you mean, sir?

Nelson Hayward: Nothing. It's a small joke.

Lt. Columbo: I dug this bullet out of that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago. [Long pause] You're under arrest, sir.

Double Exposure [3.4]

Lt. Columbo: That's why the barrel and the chamber were clean when Ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter! I never figured on a converter.

Dr. Bart Kepple: In that case I'm deeply grateful for one thing.

Lt. Columbo: What's that, Doctor?

Dr. Bart Kepple: That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8 because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now. Otherwise I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.

Lt. Columbo: Well, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.

Dr. Bart Kepple: I'll ignore that because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you personally are my alibi.

Lt. Columbo: And that's a tough nut to crack.

Dr. Bart Kepple: That's not tough. That's impossible.

Lt. Columbo: Can anyone confirm that?

Mrs. Norris: No.

Lt. Columbo: No one at all?

Mrs. Norris: Nobody at all. Which means that I don't have what you call an alibi.

Lt. Columbo: Oh yes you do, Mrs. Norris. You were at the corner of Valley and Magnolia.

Mrs. Norris: With nobody to prove it.

Lt. Columbo: Well, I didn't say you had a good alibi but you do have an alibi.

Mrs. Norris: Lieutenant, I didn't kill my husband.

Lt. Columbo: I believe that.

Mrs. Norris: You do?

Lt. Columbo: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Norris: Why?

Lt. Columbo: My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies. She always picks the wrong murderer. I want to tell you something. If my wife decided to murder me she could come up with a better alibi than you got.

Mrs. Norris: Thank you.

Lt. Columbo: You're welcome.

Dr. Bart Kepple: I know one thing, Lieutenant. You have to admit it. You never would have solved it without using my technique.

Lt. Columbo: That's right, Doc. If there was a reward I'd support your claim to it.

Publish or Perish [3.5]

[Waiter hands Columbo a check]

Lt. Columbo: $6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.

Waiter: Oh. [adjusts figure]

Lt. Columbo: $6.75?!

Waiter: I forgot the iced tea.

Eddie Kane: Oh hey, I made some drawings today for a chapter on Bouncing Betties. Did you find them?

Riley Greenleaf: What's a Bouncing Betty?

Eddie Kane: Antipersonnel mine. You gotta really plant these things just right. Now you see, you lay it down six inches, no more, and you leave the pressure plate with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves and the guy steps on it. Whammo! You get the legs! It's beautiful.

Riley Greenleaf: [looking at Kane like he's nuts] Oh yeah, that's, that's beautiful.

Riley Greenleaf: [intercom buzzes] Yes, Betsy?

Receptionist: Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man wandering around the editorial section. I thought you should know.

Riley Greenleaf: Well, what do you want me to do? If you want to get rid of him call the police.

Receptionist: That's just it, sir. He says he IS the police.

Lt. Columbo: Oh Mr. Chase! Uh, one thing. About that accident, do you happen to know who else was involved?

David Chase: It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?

Lt. Columbo: Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.

David Chase: Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.

Lt. Columbo: That's probably it. His subconscious.

Lt. Columbo: In this synopsis which you gave me which you claim Eddie Kane wrote nine months ago, the hero saves his men and he goes off to live in a monastery. I hate to tell you this, sir. There is no way that Eddie Kane could have had that idea. It wasn't even Allen Mallory's. It was given to him by his agent Miss McRae. And for the life of me I cannot figure out how Eddie Kane could have written an ending nine months ago that was only invented last week.

Lt. Columbo: For $100,000 you don't kill off Rock Hudson.

Lt. Columbo: He's involving you in murder. Was that part of the deal?

Mind Over Mayhem [3.6]

Dr. Marshall Cahill: Not making much progress, huh?

Lt. Columbo: I've got something. But, uh, motive-- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.

Steve Spelberg: What's his name?

Lt. Columbo: What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.

Lt. Columbo: The house was spotless except for that scuff mark on the living room door.

Margaret Nichols: I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.

Lt. Columbo: Some people say I'm snoopy.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: So all you have at the moment is a theory and right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.

Lt. Columbo: It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.

Lt. Columbo: That first day I couldn't give a hoot in hell about a thief. I was looking for a cigar smoker and there you were.

Swan Song [3.7]

Tommy Brown: You knew I was coming up here?

Lt. Columbo: I knew. Then I didn't know. And then I knew.

Tommy Brown: Now why would anybody want to kill me?

Lt. Columbo: Mr. Brown, I don't know. But you are a celebrity and there are a lot of crackpots in the world and there's just no accounting for people's reactions. I mean sometimes I even wonder about my wife. Not that she's a crackpot.

Lt. Columbo: I noticed that the arrangement was changed.

Tommy Brown: You've got a good ear for music.

Lt. Columbo: Well, you know I'm Italian.

Roland Pangborn: Well, still be an awful lot of mountain to search for anything hidden or buried, a lot of mountain. Who could find it?

Lt. Columbo: The guy who hid it.

Lt. Columbo: Where did you first learn how to fly?

Tommy Brown: Lieutenant, I thought you knew my whole life history by now.

Lt. Columbo: Oh no, no. Uh, you know, people think we got all kinds of records on microfilms, all we gotta do is push a button and, uh...

Tommy Brown: Well, don't you?

Lt. Columbo: [pause] Yes, we do. But not everything.

Tommy Brown: And I guess this, all this looks kinda bad, huh? This big house and this party goin' on and everything?

Lt. Columbo: No sir, no sir. It's kinda refreshing. You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it. I mean they don't even call us in unless that's what it is, somebody dead. So naturally I see a lot of grief.

Lt. Columbo: Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.

Luke Basket: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That's good, isn't it?

Lt. Columbo: Um, yeah. That explains it.

Roland Pangborn: You know something, Lieutenant? I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.

Lt. Columbo: Oh no, thank you very much. You fellas, you have to fly.

Roland Pangborn: Sure. We're all pilots.

Lt. Columbo: Oh no, not for me, thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.

Roland Pangborn: Why? We'd teach you.

Lt. Columbo: I appreciate it, sir. But, uh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Tommy Brown: You're a sanctimonious hypocrite of a Bible-spouting blackmailer and I've given you your last chance to be fair!

Edna Brown: May God forgive me for letting a devil help me build a temple.

Tommy Brown: And what if your devil quits. What are you gonna do?

A Friend in Deed [3.8]

Lt. Duffy: Haven't you ever heard of future shock? The world's going to hell with itself. Believe me, Columbo. Times have changed.

Lt. Columbo: Yeah. Maybe.

Lt. Columbo: Commissioner Halperin says he found those jewels under your mattress.

Artie Jessup: That's crazy.

Mark Halperin: You're a liar!

Artie Jessup: Hey, I don't even live here!

Mark Halperin: What?!?

Lt. Columbo: I can verify that, sir. He doesn't live here. I live here.

Lt. Columbo: Commissioner, I believe you killed your wife. And I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.

Mark Halperin: You just lost your badge, my friend.

Lt. Columbo: You must have a lot of those, sir.

Mark Halperin: What?

Lt. Columbo: Gut feelings.

Mark Halperin: What are you talking about?

Lt. Columbo: Well, you had a gut feeling last night.

Mark Halperin: I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, last night?

Lt. Columbo: When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.

Mark Halperin: Yes.

Lt. Columbo: I found out you asked for me when you first called in.

Mark Halperin: I did.

Lt. Columbo: What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before. Yet from your bedroom window when you called in, you asked for me. I was just trying to figure out how you knew the woman was already dead.

Season Four

An Exercise in Fatality [4.1]

[Columbo is running on the treadmill]

Milo Janus: What's he doing here?

Buddy Castle: Well, you know that introductory thirty day offer we've been pushing on television?

Milo Janus: Yeah.

Buddy Castle: That's what he's doing here.

Lt. Columbo: Mr. Janus, how you doin'! Listen, I gotta tell you, this is terrific! I'm starting to feel like a new man already.

Milo Janus: Fine, fine Columbo.

Lt. Columbo: Of course, you know, I've only been on for about 20 minutes.

Milo Janus: [after watching Columbo light his cigar] Your health program didn't last very long, did it?

Lt. Columbo: Long enough.

Milo Janus: You know something, Columbo, you're a devious man.

Lt. Columbo: That's what they tell me.

Milo Janus: I don't care what you think. I don't care what you suspect. I don't care what visions you see when you look at your cigar ashes because I'm innocent. I have an alibi for the time Gene Stafford died and you can huff and puff on that rotten cigar until next July and you'll never prove otherwise.

Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't count on that.

Milo Janus: What the hell gives you the right, Columbo?

Lt. Columbo: This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.

Lt. Columbo: You removed the bulb on the phone in the living room so the line wouldn't light up because if 6901 lit up the people there would know that you were talking from the phone in the study.

Milo Janus: Guesswork, supposition, more cigar ashes. What you need is proof. That what you need-- proof.

Lt. Columbo: It didn't take me 'til July, but I got the proof.

Milo Janus: In two months, I'll be at my villa overlooking the Adriatic with two million in Swiss francs to keep me warm.

Lt. Columbo: You tried to contrive the perfect alibi, sir. And it's your perfect alibi that's gonna hang you.

Negative Reaction [4.2]

[Columbo enters a mission looking for a witness]

Nun: You're hungry and tired, I can see that.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, well, the fact is, I didn't sleep last night and I'm plenty tired.

Nun: Oh, I am sorry. Would you wait here? [calling behind her] George, would you bring a tray? [turning back to Columbo] Won't you join us, Brother?

Lt. Columbo: Join you for what?

Nun: Come. I haven't seen you before, have I?

Lt. Columbo: No, ma'am, no.

Nun: Oh, that coat, that coat, that coat. Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room.

Nun: I found exactly the right thing. It's warm. And look! It's hardly been used at all! Now, you stand up and we'll try it on.

Lt. Columbo: You know, I appreciate what you're doing. I really do. But I've had this coat for seven years.

Nun: Oh, you poor man.

Wino: Don't be ashamed.

Lt. Columbo: No, I'm very fond of it.

[After Galesco explains that his dog is depressed since the dog next door has moved away]

Lt. Columbo: Oh, uh, I don't suppose you have a picture of a cocker spaniel around, do ya?

Galesco: A picture?

Lt. Columbo: You know, I mean, maybe I could tack up some kind of a picture. You know, something he could look at, kind of like a pin-up?

Galesco: [annoyed] No, really, Lieutenant...

Lt. Columbo: No, no, that's a terrible idea. I mean the dog is dumb but he won't fall for that. I mean the dog would know it wasn't her, right? Forget I mentioned it.

Galesco: I will, Lieutenant.

Galesco: Look at the negative in the back of the camera, Lieutenant. It proves I'm right.

Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?

Sergeant: Yes, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?

1st Policeman: Yes, sir.

Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?

2nd Policeman: Yes, I am, sir.

Galesco: Witness to what?

Sergeant: You just incriminated yourself, sir. You identified the camera.

By Dawn's Early Light [4.3]

Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Geometry is logic and logic is the battlefield of adulthood.

Lt. Columbo: Boys will be boys.

Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Boys will be boys, Lieutenant, but somebody's gotta turn them into men.

Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: This country is going to have the best damn army in the world!

Lt. Columbo: You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.

Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Don't expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again by tomorrow.

Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Do you have a first name?

Lt. Columbo: I do, my wife is the only one that uses it.

Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: [to Columbo] We both have similar jobs. I wear a uniform. [glancing at Columbo's disheveled appearance] You wear...well, I suppose you could call that a uniform.

Troubled Waters [4.4]

Purser Watkins: Lieutenant Columbo, the captain would like to see you.

Lt. Columbo: The captain, to see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...

Purser Watkins: It's not about your wife, sir

Lt. Columbo: [seasick] The same thing happened to me last year. Me and my wife were at this motel with a water bed. I thought I was gonna die.

Lt. Columbo: [pointing to surgical gloves] Doctor, do you know how many of these you have on board?

Doctor Frank Pierce: No, not off hand.

[Columbo is preparing to test fire a bullet for a ballistics check]

Lt. Columbo: Would you mind?

Hayden Danziger: Mind what?

Lt. Columbo: Mind firing the gun into the matress; I hate guns. Besides, I'm a bad shot, I'm liable to miss.

Playback [4.5]

Lt. Columbo: [At an art gallery] Uh, now this here. I see it doesn't have a title.

Francine: That?

Lt. Columbo: Yeah.

Francine: That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.

Lt. Columbo: Oh. That's the ventilator?

Francine: Yeah.

Lt. Columbo: Oh. [blushes] I'm embarrassed.

Francine: Oh, no.

Lt. Columbo: You won't tell anybody?

Francine: Of course not. You know, I think you would appreciate the more traditional things. If you'll come with me, we have some beautiful landscapes upstairs. If you'd like to come and I'll show you--

Lt. Columbo: Well, I'll tell you the truth about that, ma'am. I've got plenty of landscapes. Thank you very much. You see, my wife, she paints a little.

Francine: Oh, does she?

Lt. Columbo: Yeah. She buys those canvases with the numbers on them. You've seen 'em around. Yeah, you fill the spaces with the paints that have the corresponding numbers. They turn out pretty good.

Lt. Columbo: Good afternoon, Mr. Van Wyck.

Harold Van Wyck: Oh, what is it? A new experiment?

Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.

Harold Van Wyck: Perhaps it would be more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you'd just move into one of our guest rooms.

Lt. Columbo: [talking to the gate man] So ordinarily he'd pull up in a car and tell you where he's going and you would come in here and you would record it on a log. But tonight he wrote it on a magazine in advance. I've got this funny habit. You know, when a person does something one way and then he suddenly does something another way I immediately think...[taps head]. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.

Lt. Columbo: This is this. This is what you presented at the art show the night of the murder. The problem is it was on the desk immediately after the shooting. How did it get to the art gallery? By your own testimony you took it there. But in order to get it off the desk you practically had to step over the body. That woman was shot BEFORE you left the house... and you shot her.

A Deadly State of Mind [4.6]

Dr. Mark Collier: Am I to presume that I'm currently your chief suspect?

Lt. Columbo: I'm not sure suspect is a strong enough word.

Dr. Mark Collier: In that case, I should be locked up. Of course, I'm not. Therefore, I presume you have no proof.

Lt. Columbo: Not yet.

Dr. Mark Collier: You'll let me know when you do, won't you?

Lt. Columbo: You will be the first to know, Doctor.

Dr. Mark Collier: Do you know, Lieutenant, you're a marvelously deceptive man. You know, how you get to the point without really ever getting to the point.

Lt. Columbo: See, that's a European car. You know, they have the thin tires.

Sgt. Kramer: Yeah, I know. Our tires are wider.

Lt. Columbo: But I don't see any European cars here, only my car.

Sgt. Kramer: You got a European car?

Lt. Columbo: That's a French car. Yeah, my car's French.

Lt. Columbo: I have an eyewitness, Dr. Collier. An eyewitness that will place you at the head of the Donner driveway at 5:30 Monday afternoon. But the eyewitness is not Mr. Morris. The eyewitness is you.

Season Five

Forgotten Lady [5.1]

Lt. Columbo: I wonder if you could help me out with this thing here. Uh, my wife is a terrific dancer and a very good singer but I got two left feet and when it comes to dancing in public, you know, I get self-conscious so, and so she always has to sit it out. Is there something, uh, what can you do for a problem like that?

Ned Diamond: Become a critic.

Sgt. Leftkowski: You know, Lieutenant, uh, I'm in the homicide office at least, uh, once a week. I don't think I've ever seen you there.

Lt. Columbo: Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there you know.

Lt. Columbo: From my experience, ma'am, I've discovered that people don't usually forget to do that which they usually do.

Grace Wheeler: That's very confusing.

Lt. Columbo: It sounds that way. I'm trying to reconstruct something that Dr. Willis must have done just before he died.

Grace Wheeler: [horrified] What are you talking about? Are you still saying that my husband was murdered?

Lt. Columbo: Yes, ma'am. That's exactly what happened.

Grace Wheeler: He took his own life!

Lt. Columbo: No, he didn't.

A Case of Immunity [5.2]

Lt. Columbo: This is a beautiful piece, sir. You know, we have one just like this back on the dining room table in our house. Almost the same design.

Hassan Salah: This is third century. It's worth several thousand dollars.

Lt. Columbo: No kidding! Gee, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.

Captain August: Mr. Morgan is with the Protocol Department, Columbo. There's been a complaint lodged against you by the Suarian legation.

Kermit Morgan: A complaint of police harassment by First Secretary Hassan Salah. The feeling expressed to me is you've been engaging in a personal vendetta.

Lt. Columbo: Well, there's no vendetta involved here. Just trying to catch a man who murdered two Suarian nationals along with robbing the legation of $600,000.

Kermit Morgan: Yes, I'm sure but you're working in delicate and apparently unfamiliar waters, Lieutenant. You can't push around diplomatic personnel the way you would common criminals in the street. It's in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and First Secretary Salah.

Lt. Columbo: Well, that's all very well and good except for one thing.

Captain August: What is that, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo: He's the murderer.

Lt. Columbo: Where's the King?

Zena: Oh, he's here.

Lt. Columbo: You know, it looks good, those robes. Do you think they look good, I mean for a man?

Zena: Oh yes, I do.

Lt. Columbo: What do they cost?

Zena: I'm afraid I don't know.

Lt. Columbo: How come the King doesn't wear one? It's not because he can't afford it, I know that.

Zena: You seem to be interested in clothes.

Lt. Columbo: Shoes. These are new. $16.95.

Hassan Salah: You were saying you were apprehensive about your employment, is that it?

Lt. Columbo: I beg you not to send a letter to the State Department. I apologize but more than anything else I want to shake your hand. You're the best.

Hassan Salah: To what do I owe this tribute?

Lt. Columbo: You beat me. That's it. I got beat, plain and simple.

Hassan Salah: True.

Lt. Columbo: I know you did it. But, well, you can't win 'em all, sir.

Hassan Salah: You're very gracious, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Thank you.

Hassan Salah: Lieutenant! I beg you.

Lt. Columbo: The trouble is, sir, you're right. That is, all the evidence is circumstanial. It's just bits and pieces. I don't think any of it is gonna stand up in court.

Hassan Salah: A confession! If I signed a confession..?

Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm not sure. Your Majesty?

The King: I shall abide by your decision, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: [pulls the form from his pocket] Well, in that case, just sign by the red X. Three copies if you don't mind.

Identity Crisis [5.3]

Nelson Brenner: The thing about my being a double agent was only a rumor.

Geronimo: The agency doesn't deal in facts, only in rumors.

Salvadore Delfonte: You worry about the Chinese. I tell you don't worry about the Chinese. You know why; 'cause they can pull out of the Olympics, but they can't pull out of soy beans.

Lt. Columbo: What do you have to win one of those?

Shooting gallery attendant: Hit the ducks, ten in a row.

Lt. Columbo: My wife would go for one of those.

Shooting gallery attendant: No way, Lieutenant, you're a pro...

Lt. Columbo: Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.

Nelson Brenner: Lieutenant, I think I should warn you that I'm not an unworldly man. I have powerful important friends, even in the police department. I respectfully request that you do not harass me.

Lt. Columbo: Why sir, I would NEVER do that.

Nelson Brenner: Yes, I quite understand your problem. But you must understand mine, it's a bizarre situation.

Lt. Columbo: Just between us, sir...

Nelson Brenner: Um-uh.

Lt. Columbo: Somebody's following me.

Nelson Brenner: Now who would be following a cop?

Lt. Columbo: That's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.

Nelson Brenner: What would you like in the way of libation?

Lt. Columbo: Oh, nothing when I'm on duty.

Nelson Brenner: But you're finished for the day, aren't you?

Lt. Columbo: Well, nearly, sir. Do you have any wine?

Nelson Brenner: A cellar full.

Lt. Columbo: Just a glass.

Nelson Brenner: What kind would you like?

Lt. Columbo: Oooh, red.

Lt. Columbo: Do you like to play these games?

Nelson Riddle: Yes, indeed.

Lt. Columbo: Do you like to gamble, sir?

Nelson Riddle: What else is there?

A Matter of Honor [5.4]

Luis Montoya: I will kill him like in the old days. With you assisting me.

Hector Rangel: That is crazy and you know it. We are both out of shape.

Luis Montoya: If you won't, I will have to do it alone

Comandante Sanchez: I see you're a thorough man, Lieutenant, but the bull did kill Rangel.

Lt. Columbo: Yes I can see that but its important to be thorough, especially when a man dies alone.

Lt. Columbo: [referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight a thing like that and make a living.

Luis Montoya: It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.

Lt. Columbo: I have to tell you the truth. I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal, even as big and mean as he is.

Luis Montoya: Perhaps you would prefer the spectacle of two men in a prize ring beating each other senseless. Or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle. Or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different from yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but different.

Comandante Sanchez: I hope you understand, Luis, that the Lieutenant is here as my guest. He has no official status.

Luis Montoya: So inquisitive. I find him amusing.

Comandante Sanchez: Montoya must have a motive.

Lt. Columbo: Yes, every man has a motive.

Lt. Columbo: That shows you I don't know much about bullfighting.

Jaime Delgado: Is that all, senor?

Lt. Columbo: You know, I think my wife was right. There's something wrong with me. I'm supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.

Jaime Delgado: Occupational hazard, what is that?

Lt. Columbo: That's, uh, when wherever you go, you take your work with you.

Jaime Delgado: Oh, I see. We call that loco.

Lt. Columbo: May I ask you a personal question, sir?

Luis Montoya: Oh, by all means, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Did you injure your leg in the bull ring?

Luis Montoya: [nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I too, was gored, badly, here. They tried to take me to the infirmiry along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my would, I stayed in the bull and I did one of the best fights of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.

Lt. Columbo: Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.

Luis Montoya: [smiling] Well, it would be a difficult thing for me to do now with this leg.

Now You See Him... [5.5]

Jesse Jerome: Tell me, Santini, last month, before you left for New York, you didn't by chance break into this office and search through my effects?

Santini: What a silly question. Of course I did. And I stole your Manet, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Reubens. You know I didn't.

Jesse Jerome: I thought not. It was dreadful of me even to, uh, suggest it.

Santini: Thank you.

Jesse Jerome: Um, speaking of New York, uh, I take it that... [takes a wad of cash out of an envelope] ...this too is, uh, some sort of joke?

Santini: $5,000 is hardly a joke.

Jesse Jerome: Come, come, dear friend, I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic. Your recent tour netted $100,000, fifty percent of which is...

Santini: Five percent of which is $5,000.

Jesse Jerome: Five percent?

Santini: Mmm-hmm.

Jesse Jerome: No, no, dear man, we've been over this before.

Santini: Jerome, I'm bored with your bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.

Jesse Jerone: There are no changes...Sergeant Mueller. You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.

Santini: I was 21. I was merely a boy.

Jesse Jerome: No one in the S.S. was "merely a boy", Mueller. No one in the camps was "just a boy". Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, The Israelis-- yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you.

Santini: I think not. I'm far too valuable to you.

Jesse Jerome: You call that valuable?

Santini: Mmm-hmmm.

Jesse Jerome: I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter, and don't deny that it was you!

Santini: Jerome, you really are an animal.

Jesse Jerome: You're lucky! I'm a businessman. When that old man recognized you last year, didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet? That was good business. And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew, well, that was very good business, too. That's why we're such a good team, you and I. You know, you do rather well, considering the circumstances. Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison. I urge you to look at it realistically. Have the other $45,000 for me tonight before the performance, or believe me, it will be your last performance... anywhere. [as Santini gets up to leave, Jerome gives a Nazi salute] Heil Hitler! Have the money for me before the show.

[Columbo is walking into the club wearing a new green raincoat]

Policeman: Excuse me, sir.

Lt. Columbo: I'm Lt. Columbo.

Policeman: Oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't recognize you. You look different somehow.

Lt. Columbo: I've had a haircut.

Lt. Columbo: I gotta take off this coat. I can't think in this coat...THE COAT, I can't think in the coat.

Lt. Columbo: [to Dog as he puts his new coat in the car] Now I'm going to leave this coat in here. If anyone tries to steal it, look the other way.

Sgt. Wilson: You see, sir, we're stumped with the motive.

Santini: Do you have a suspect?

Lt. Columbo: Yes.

Santini: You do?

Lt. Columbo: We do. But we don't have a motive for you.

Santini: [as Columbo enters] Oh no.

Female Companion: What's the matter?

Santini: Someone I thought I'd seen the last of.

Female Companion: Do you think you could make him disappear too?

Santini: Splendid suggestion but in his case, I think rather doubtful.

Lt. Columbo: A letter addressed to the Department of Immigration and Nationalization that identifies you as a war criminal means opportunity and motive. It's enough to convict for first degree murder.

Santini: It's impossible. It's a trick and not a very good one.

Lt. Columbo: A trick? No, that's the letter.

Santini: Oh no, Lieutenant. No, you see, this letter was burned. [letter goes up in flames] So much for your letter.

Lt. Columbo: [dramatically pulls another letter from his pocket] There's the letter! I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style but I get pretty good results.

Santini: And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder.

Lt. Columbo: Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There's no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.

Last Salute to the Commodore [5.6]

Charles Clay: Isn't the police always called in when there's any possibility of an accident?

Lt. Columbo: Accident? Oh, I'm sure it's just an accident. Don't worry just because I'm from homicide. Didn't I mention that? Well, never mind.

Charles Clay: There on 24 hours duty. I simply could not have returned without them seeing me.

Lt. Columbo: Yes sir, I guess that's all true and that guard, he certainly remembers what time you left just like I told you he did. But that's exactly what's been bothering me right from the beginning-- time. Ever since I saw that beautiful watch of yours. Time. Why would you check with the guard when you were leaving the island, the time? He's got a drugstore watch. Unless you wanted to make certain when you were leaving he would remember...

Sgt. Mac Albinsky: The time.

Season Six

Fade in to Murder [6.1]

Ward Fowler: You think she was murdered, don't you?

Lt. Columbo: I, I beg your pardon, sir?

Ward Fowler: You heard me.

Lt. Columbo: Yes sir, I did. Uh, I mean, yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir. I mean I think the robbery was staged to cover up the murder. Um, how did you know, sir?

Ward Fowler: Why else would you be here?

Lt. Columbo: It could be just a routine check, sir.

Ward Fowler: No, Lieutenant. They don't send a police detective stumbling around, asking silly, fake, innocent questions on a routine check. I know that from my show.

Lt. Columbo: Silly, fake, innocent questions, like what, sir?

Lt. Columbo: [to Fowler] Brilliant, sir! I'm very impressed! No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.

Lt. Columbo: The parka and the ski mask, that's where they both came from.

Ward Fowler: And the gun?

Lt. Columbo: Oh, come on, sir. You're putting me on. You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.

Ward Fowler: Of course. How stupid of me.

Lt. Columbo: No, that's the prop department, sir, not the wardrobe department. How does a smart man like Lt. Lucerne make a mistake like that?

Ward Fowler: Because you're not talking to Lt. Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.

Lt. Columbo: Well, what's the difference, sir?

Ward Fowler: The difference is Ward Fowler is under suspicion of murder and a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes, he's apt to get rattled.

Lt. Columbo: Well, whoever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?

Ward Fowler: Lt. Lucerne did.

Lt. Columbo: He did?

Lt. Columbo: There were no prints on the gun because you wiped the gun clean, sir. But there is a reason the lab report took so long. You remembered to clean the gun, but you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets.

Ward Fowler: Damn! I had to forget something. That's always how the third act ends.

Old Fashioned Murder [6.2]

Janie Brandt: Aunt Ruth, he was in the Army, he can handle a gun, and he's the only one who was willing to work for that salary.

Sergeant Miller: See something, sir?

Lt. Columbo: Yeah. His watch is wrong. My watch cost $30. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May 1st. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.

Officer: Lieutenant, it is May 1st. Your watch is wrong. His watch is right.

Lt. Columbo: Oh. Well, what do you expect for $30?

Lt. Columbo: [in a hair salon] Excuse me. Darryl?

Darryl: Yes? A challenge! But I'll do my best. Sit please, please.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.

Darryl: Oh. Don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.

Lt. Columbo: No, sir, uh... [looking in mirror] Is it that bad?

Darryl: Um, yes, yes. Now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!

Phyllis Brandt: Alright, Lieutenant. Examine me.

Lt. Columbo: No, no. Uh, look, Mrs. Brandt. It's a very tragic thing. If you ever feel faint while I'm asking you questions you'll let me know-- I mean the last thing I want to do is upset you.

Phyllis Brandt: [starts crying] Oh no! No! [she gets up and starts walking away]

Lt. Columbo: [getting up and following her] I'm sorry! [steps on the hem of her dress, ripping it, causing her to turn and stare at him] Well, thank you, Mrs. Brandt. That's all the questions for today.

Phyllis Brandt: Thank you.

Phyllis Brandt: A search warrant! I have never been so insulted! Never! What's it look like?

Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry, Mrs. Brandt. I thought the investigation warranted it.

Phyllis Brandt: I'll have you disbarred for this, whatever the hell that word is.

Lt. Columbo: Yes, ma'am. Fired I think is the word you want.

Phyllis Brandt: Worse than that! You will never get another job, not in this city, not in this state, not in any police force in this country! I am not without certain influence, Lt. Columbus!

The Bye-Bye Sky High I.Q. Murder Case [6.3]

Lt. Columbo: Well, what do you know. Here I am talking with some of the smartest people in the world, and I didn't even notice!

Suzy: Hi. I'm Suzy

George Campanella: Hi Suzy.

Suzy: I've tried Esalen, primal scream, pyramid power, Synanon, a black mass in San Francisco, open marriage, est, TA, TM, I'm OK, You're OK... and I'm still a target.

Suzy: I like the way you wear your hair!

Lt. Columbo: ...oh, thank you very much, ma'am, I like the way you wear yours.

[Columbo walks into a restaurant carrying a doughnut]

Waitress: You buy that here?

Lt. Columbo: Uh, no. I bought it from the doughnut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator, but then I saw my friend here and, uh... [she glares at him] I'm really terribly sorry.

[He wraps the doughnut in a napkin and gives it to the waitress who hands him a menu]

Lt. Columbo: Well, let me see, uh, um, let's see now.

Waitress: I can come back.

Lt. Columbo: No, no, no, no. I'll have, um... I'll have a doughnut.

Lt. Columbo: You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life, I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lot's of smarter kids, and when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there... and I could tell right away it wasn't going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured... if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.

Oliver Brandt: I can tell you do.

Oliver Brandt: My problem is just the opposite. Born smart... as they say. A blessing you'd think. I had no real childhood, I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift... painful lonely years.

Lt. Columbo: You know, sir, I never though of that.

Lt. Columbo: When the squib goes off, it produces vibrations and that knocks the book down. That Danziger is a genius!

Oliver Brandt: Vibrations! That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you make him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would have done! This! There! [laughing] There! [continues laughing then pauses] Oh my... Oh my.

Season Seven

Try and Catch Me [7.1]

Abigail Mitchell: Just think, Lieutenant. If you had investigated my niece's death, all this need never have happened.

Abigail Mitchell: Ah, look. An unfinished A. A for Annie. Did Annie my maid do it? We haven't got a butler.

Lt. Columbo: That must have been very hard, losing someone you love like that. I've been very lucky. I lost my parents. That's the way of the world. But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated. That's very hard.

Abigail Mitchell: I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.

Lt. Columbo: Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.

Lt. Columbo: Now you're inheriting the property and all, so I'd like you to be there too. I could run you over. My car's right here. It's French, very rare.

Abigail Mitchell: Uh, yes. Oh, I can see why.

Lt. Columbo: [to group of murder mystery fans] I like my job. Oh, I like it a lot. And I'm not depressed by it. And I don't think the world is full of criminals and full of murderers because it isn't. It's full of nice people just like you. And if it wasn't for my job I wouldn't be getting to meet you like this. And I'll tell you something else. Even with some of the murderers that I meet, I even like them too. Sometimes... like them and even respect them. Not for what they did, certainly not for that. But for that part of them which is intelligent, or funny, or just nice. Because there's niceness in everyone. A little bit anyhow. You can take a cop's word for it.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, wait a minute. Let me see that shoe. Oh, that's a very nice shoe. You like that shoe, Sergeant?

Sergeant: It's very nice, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: It's practically new. That's terrific. I'm looking for a pair of shoes just like this. See, I like them rounded toes. It's French style. The French thought of that. [looks inside shoe] Oh. Made in Italy. Well, what's the difference? I like them.

Murder Under Glass [7.2]

Lt. Columbo: Good Evening, Ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?

Eve: I'm not sure.

Lt. Columbo: Is it a big house or is he just out to the police?

Mr. Ozu: Tell me, Lieutentant, do you have a suspect yet?

Lt. Columbo: Oh, I have my eye on someone...

Lt. Columbo: Oh, one more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask you.

Paul Gerard: Fortunately you remembered.

Lt. Columbo: As you're an expert on restaurants, sir, I wanted to ask you. Do you know anything about the Restaurant Developers Association?

Paul Gerard: I don't know anything about it, Lieutenant. I've never heard of it. [turning to Eve] Have you?

Eve: No. No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry.

Lt. Columbo: Well, that's alright, ma'am. As the Chinese say, "There's more than one fish in the sea."

Paul Gerard: When did you first suspect me?

Lt. Columbo: Well, after it happened, sir, about two minutes after I met you.

Paul Gerard: That can't be possible.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned.

Paul Gerard: I was instructed to come here by the police.

Lt. Columbo: And you came, sir.

Paul Gerard: Yes.

Lt. Columbo: After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.

Make Me a Perfect Murder [7.3]

Lt. Columbo: In those days everything was bad for your eyes. Not wearing mittens was bad for your eyes. Wearing rubbers in the house, that would strike you blind right on the spot.

Lt. Columbo: Either there was no motive at all like in those crazy kind of murders that you read about in the newspaper. Or there was a very good motive, one that makes terrific sense. And that's what keeps going around in my mind-- motive.

Lt. Columbo: Well, there's something that I don't understand, ma'am, and maybe I should. Uh, I probably should. Lord knows I'm not the brightest guy on the force. Another detective, he could cut right through this.

How to Dial a Murder [7.4]

Eric Mason: You're a fascinating man, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: To a psychologist, sir?

Eric Mason: You pass yourself off as a puppy in a raincoat happily running around the yard digging holes all up in the garden, only you're laying a mine field and wagging your tail.

Eric Mason: Very good, Lieutenant. Remarkable, really. You take control very well, all the way. I'd swear you'd taken my course.

Lt. Columbo: Oh no, sir. Oh no, never. It's just that I enjoy the pleasure of the game.

Lt. Columbo: Very simple case. Not that I'm particularly bright, sir. I must say I found you disappointing, I mean your incompetence. You left enough clues to sink a ship.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, you killed him with a phone call, sir. I'll bet my life on it.

Eric Mason: Really, you have a morbid streak, Lieutenant. I should have suspected that.

Lt. Columbo: Thank you very much, sir. I'll explain to Mrs. Columbo how my condition is work dominated.

Eric Mason: Well, I think she might have guessed.

The Conspirators [7.5]

Joe Devlin: Do you know these lines, Lieutenant? They're by Lewis Carroll. "You can charge me with murder or want of sense. We are all of us weak at times. But the slightest approach to a false pretense was never among my crimes."

Lt. Columbo: Well, sir, you pretended to raise money to help the Irish victims and all the while you were planning to make more victims. Wasn't that a pretense, sir?

Joe Devlin: Politics makes liars of us all, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: There once was a fella named Finnegan,
Who escaped from a jail, so to sin again
He broke laws by the dozen,
He even stole from his cousin,
So the jail he broke outta he's in again.

Lt. Columbo: There once was an old man from Lyne. He took three wives at a time. When asked why a third, he said, "One is absurd, and two of them, sir, is a crime."

Lt. Columbo: Forgive me, ma'am, for being indelicate like that but you know all the years that I've been doing this kind of work I still don't know how to make it sound inoffensive when one person kills another.

Lt. Columbo: A rare old bird is the pelican. His beak can hold more than his belly can. He can take in his beak enough food for a week. I'll be damned if I know what the hell he can!

Joe Devlin: We execute traitors, Mr. Pauley. Didn't you know that?

Lt. Columbo: This far, and no farther.

Lt. Columbo: Excuse me sir. I couldn't resist trying your pinball machine. I guess I tried a little too hard. But that's an old problem with me sir — the way I keep steering and pushing and pulling at things. Someday, the whole sky's gonna light up and it's gonna say, "Tilt". And that's gonna be the end of the world!

Season Eight (1989)

Columbo Goes to the Guillotine [8.1]

Lt. Columbo: Always remember, it's a trick. Keep that in mind and you can figure out how it's done.

Lt. Columbo: [referring to the workshop, and demonstrating one of the tricks] The whole place is one big magic trick. You can't believe anything you see.

Max Dyson: "Elliott Blake?" I've been reading about you. European journals. When did you change your name?

Elliott Blake: When I got out, Max. Three years ago.

Max Dyson: A hundred and twenty degrees in the shade, or an afternoon of poker in the Ungandan prison.

Elliott Blake: I read that in your book "Dyson on Mind Reading". You're giving away our secrets, Max.

Max Dyson: We survived in the African slammer, together. You were a very good student.

Elliott Blake: Why not? You taught me everything you know. Everything I know.

Elliott Blake: Out Mr. Harrow is not impressed by statistics. This man is the market for miracles. I have the power to astonish him, you, and the entire world, Paula, but I am NOT a dancing dog in a carnival.

Dr. Paula Hall: [referring to Mr. Harrow] Elliott, he will be back tomorrow. We have to show him more. God, we never should have started this!

Elliott Blake: We "started" this for you. To maintain your funding, my dearest doctor.

Mr. Harrow: The Soviet Union is deeply engaged in psychic research for intelligence purposes. Now, either they're a pack of fools, or we're missing a very important vet.

Dr. Paula Hall: Our position is obvious, Mr. Harrow. In terms of practical results, Elliott's scores are the highest ever recorded at this institute.

Mr. Harrow: In that case, the next time we suspect a double agent in our midst, I'll frighten him to death with your test scores.

Elliott Blake: Exactly what do you want of me?

Mr. Harrow: Hard proof of your abilities.

Elliott Blake: The impossible on demand.

Mr. Harrow: That's a fair description.

Colonel Eckherdt: For a subject of your qualifications

Elliott Blake: What flavor impossible?

Mr. Harrow: In general terms, a demonstration that you can telepathically and precisely intercept the thoughts and actions of an enemy. Fair enough?

Mr. Harrow: I'm sure you're both familiar with Max Dyson.

Max Dyson: April Fool, Paula. Say hello to the boogeyman.

Dr. Paula Hall: THIS is your authority? A fake magician?

Max Dyson: Fake? I'm a magician, "Max the Magnificent", a pretty good mentalist in my time. I certainly learned all the tricks.

Bert Spindler: He was loved. Well, not by those mind readers and psychics; they weren't so crazy about him, once he got on their case. But magicians loved him. I loved him.

Lt. Columbo: I've never seen so many wonderful tricks. Those beautiful Chinese rings, and that terrific birdcage. Once, on a vacation with Mrs. Columbo, I saw a magician make a tiger disappear right out of the ring, but I've never seen a trick like that guillotine trick upstairs. That must be some dangerous trick.

Bert Spindler: Not if you're careful. Max built in some safeguards, made it all foolproof.

Lt. Columbo: What happened to Max, that you didn't look very foolproof. How do you explain that.

Bert Spindler: Are you sure you won't join me, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: No, thank you very much, sir.

Bery Spindler: Max must have gotten careless. Forgot to lock in the safety bolt.

Sex and the Married Detective [8.3]

Lt. Columbo: Sometimes kindness is wiser than truth.

Grand Deceptions [8.4]

Col. Braley: I'm curious, when did you first suspect me?

Lt. Columbo: Well, as long as you asked, sir. That first night. When I found you scrubbing my mud off the floor. I thought that was unusual, for someone as arrogant as you are.

Col. Braley: Unless you're implying that I was the target of that blackmail.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, I'm implying more than that sir. I'm implying that you murdered the man.

Lt. Columbo: There we go again sir, agreeing with each other. It's interesting how often we agree with each other; considering the fact that we really don't like each other. Would you agree with me on that sir?

Col. Braley: I think I'd have to agree, Lieutenant.

Season Nine (1989)

Rest in Peace, Mrs. Columbo [9.4]

Lt. Columbo: I wanna tell you that, uh... I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your husband died, and I'm sorry for your grief. And maybe there was another way to do this, but if there is, I don't know what it was. But there is no way that you are gonna walk away from Mr. Chambers's murder. Besides which, you wanted to kill my wife and you would've killed me. I take that very personally.

Cast

Peter Falk - Lieutenant Columbo

External links

Encyclopedic article on Columbo on Wikipedia
Media related to Columbo (TV series) on Wikimedia Commons
The Ultimate Lieutenant Columbo Site