Code Monkeys

Code Monkeys (2007-2008) is an animated television series set in the early eighties about the staff of a video game company trying to survive their Texas multi-billionaire boss.

Cast

Jerry - Matt Mariska
Dave - Adam De La Pena
Mr. "Big T" Larrity, Dean - Andrew Sipes
Todd, Benny - Dana Snyder
Mary - Gretchen McNeil
Claire - Suzanne Kielly
Clarence - Lionel Tubbins
Black Steve - Tony Strickland

Season 1

The Woz [1.01]

Jerry: Dave... What are you doing?!

Dave: My computer is frozen. If you hit the computer exactly the right way...it unfreezes. [resumes humping his computer]

Jerry: Did it work?

Dave: [orgasms] Yeah, sorta. Phew.

Jerry: Dave, we gotta finish this game. You know, 'cause we're game programmers.

Dave: Fine, I'll change my pants later.

Jerry: And when are you gonna get this dead donkey out of here?

Dave: He is not dead, he is sleeping.

Larrity: Listen, I don't know anything about video games, but I heard you two were my star programmers. So I am hellbent on having you boys continue to do what's really important.

Dave: Making sweet-ass video games and getting messed up on hooch? Yeah!

Larrity: No, you goofy-looking cow turd, making me money! I love money. I've got a blowup doll made of money that I make sweet love to every night.

Dave: That's messed up.

Larrity: My love of money has helped me succeed in women's coats, novelty items, and now video games! There are three things Big T don't much cotton to: bats, turtles, and people who fuck with my money!

Clarence: Hey boys, it's me, Clarence. It's your best friend in the world, who happens to be gay. Oooo!

Larrity: Whoa! And whatever the hell that thing was.

Dave: That's four.

Jerry: Shut up Dave!

Larrity: So if you boys fuck up, then we got ourselves a little problema. Looking forward to working with you two gentlemen. Excuse me, boys, those bats is good eating. YEEHAW!

Dave: I got syphilis from a turtle once... not from a Mexican whore.

E.T. [1.02]

Girl in Movie: E.T., I love you.

ET: Oh, I love you too.

Dave: [at a strip club] I love you, whores! And I love you, sluts!

Dave: [nude] How long was I out?

Jerry: Well, about two hours after finishing your game, Floating Space Rocks, you took a celebratory hit on the Dega Bong and passed out.

Dave: Must have been that new weed I developed. [sits in Jerry's chair]

Jerry: Get your stupid ass out of my chair!

Dave: Well, why is my penis green?

Jerry: I can answer that, too. At about 2 A.M., high out of your mind, you painted it so that it would look like, and I quote, "a sexual serpent capable of spitting its venom everywhere."

Dave: Damn it. I knew I was a genius.

Neil Diamond: You mess with Diamond, you gonna get cut!

Mary: Well, if it isn't the team that brought us the Ishtar of video games!

Clare: Ha ha ha ha, that's funny, because Ishtar was a big failure!

Dave: Not to worry, ladies. We stole the truckload of games. All 100,000 of them. High-fives all around, and then Mary, and uh...Clare, I'm gonna need a BJ from the both of you.

Mary: Truckload? 100,000? That was JUST the first batch, you jack-holes! We shipped over four million of those things! It's the biggest video game shipment IN HISTORY!

Jerry: Maybe the kids won't notice that it sucks. I mean, they're just kids, right?

Dean: Hey, I just saw the first screening of E.T. I'm not one for emotions or anything but, that little alien changed the way I... [starts crying, then stops] What's that turd?

Mary: That is Dave and Jerry's E.T. game.

Dean: [loses hearts as he talks] You...how could you?! You don't know anything about E.T.! You don't love E.T.! You didn't even see the movie, did you?!

Dave: No, I didn't. And I know you're all mad at me because I screwed up the game. But you know what I did do? I went to a strip club. You know what that means? That means that I saw naked women. And they shook their asses THIS close to my face. For money. Sure, I could have gone to that movie, but then I wouldn't have seen all those naked women. At the strip club. With the boobs. In my face. Now ask yourselves, can you blame me? And besides, isn't that what you would have wanted me to do?

Jerry, Dean, Todd, and Mary: Grrrr...

Dave: Yeah, we gotta stop that truck before it drops all those games off. We'll take my car!

Jerry: Dave, you don't have a car.

[Walks into office to see Jerry punching a wall]

Dave: Whoa, what the fuck are you doing? How many of those Pixy Stix did you have?

Jerry: That's not your concern, my friend. Your concern is arming with enough knowledge about E.T. so I can create the world's greatest game, with extreme prejudice!

Dave: Your hands are bleeding, dude!

Jerry: YOU WILL TAKE ME TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM RIGHT NOW, AND YOU WILL TELL ME ABOUT E.T.! [kicks Dave out of the room]

Dave: You must be pissed.

Larrity: Pissed?! You boys stole my car, I'd be less pissed if you served my own ass on a ciabatta!

Stonervision [1.03]

Dave: The future...is Stonervision.

Jerry: Stonervision? Dave, people'll think we're dealing.

Dave: That's phase two, compadré.

Jerry: We could probably swing it if you let us roll it in with our student loans.

Tony Dakota: And I could probably cut off your head and bring it to your mothers so they could kiss their babies' asses. Okay?

Dave: How are you gonna make our mothers kiss our own asses if you bring them our heads?

Larrity: I did not know they were cooking meth in the back of that bondage club!

Mike: Stop it! You're under arrest for tax evasion.

Larrity: Whew, talk about dodging bullets.

Super Prison Breakout [1.04]

Mr. Larrity: BEND ME OVER, KISS MY ASS, AND HANDWASH MY PRIVATES!

Mr. Larrity: It's like someone stole of my babies. Except that baby is made of money instead of useless baby meat.

Mr. Larity: Just like I used to tell my daddy...just 'cause you been to the magic show, doesn't mean you know how to saw a woman in half without winding up in jail. And here you are, in jail. Heh heh heh.

Jerry: That doesn't make any sense.

Jerry: Dave, I already cried and peed myself. I have nothing left. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Mary: What the hell were we supposed to learn from all of this, other than that Todd's sad life can cause a man to kill himself?

Clare: I learned that stealing is wrong. And prisoners, like everyone else, love me.

Dave: And Clare, my dear, you doth learned the Golden Rule: whores are loved everywhere and in every position.

Jerry: Hey, that reminds me, where the hell is Clarence?

Larrity: They don't call me "Shoot First and Ask Questions Larrity" for nothing!

Just One Of The Gamers [1.05]

Benny: Before grandfather die, he say, "If you make Kim-chi look like Bi Bim Bab, people will think Kim-chi IS Bi Bim Bab."

The Take Over [1.06]

Mr. Noshi: The rest of what we see today was very terrible. Especially those created by...uh...fat homosexual with horn hat.

Todd: [clueless] Nobody talks to my friend like that! Don't worry, Black Steve, I'm gonna make him apologize.

Todd: [in Japanese] My name is Todd. Where is the toilet? Coffee with milk.

Mr. Matsui: [in Japanese] You're an ass.

Yamada: Now you will wager your honor against Kobatashi.

Dave: [drunk] I don't have any honor. BRING IT ON!

[Dave belches]

Jerry: Ugh, Dave, how many of those pastrami bombs did you eat?

Dave: It's more like, how many of those pastrami bombs didn't I eat? Which is zero.

Jerry: Dave, I'm sorry I doubted you.

Dave: Eh, I'm used to it by now.

Dave: Now this first game is called Pizza Man... oh, SO TASTY...

Jerry: Dave, you promised.

Dave: Well, if that didn't get them, this will. Moon Tennis, anyone? You get to play tennis on the fucking moon! Can you imagine that? Well, I did, because that's my job! What about Bacon Avenger? Don't break the eggs!

Larrity's Got Back [1.07]

Dave: You should pay to have the abortion, Dave, you did this to me, blah, blah, blah. Ladies, be quiet! That's what I have to say to you.

Dave: This has my vote as "best day ever"!

Mary: Oh yeah!

Dave: Dude, your rectum is gone. That is no bueno.

Ping: You like a massage?

IPO [1.08]

Jerry: This is the '80s, Dave. People don't just get huge amounts of money for no reason.

Dave: Jerry, with that much money, you can buy five lapdances a day and still have money left over for...more lap dances. I've done the math.

Black Steve: Yo, I said yo, listen up. We're "Black Steve and the Black Attack Squadron: Honkey Killer International", with special guest Blackie Blackerson.

Blackie Blackerson: Wazzup?!

Black Steve: And this song is called "White Bitches Is Free". [singing] White bitches is free, white bitches is Free. Ugly little brats. I hope you like this gat, BLAOW! How you like us now? Black Steve and the Black Attack Squadron. Now suck it, now roll over, so I-I can fuck it. Don't look at me, don't look at me, 'cause all you white bitches is free.

[crickets, followed by audience cheering]

Blackie Blackerson: [singing] Bitch, he loves you. Bitch, he loves you...

Dave: [rapping] Bitch, I love you. Stars above you shine like wine. Girl you be fine. Now it's time to suck my dick, you better not spit out our looooove...

Wendy: What the fuck are you doing, Dave? It's three in the morning!

Dave: We never showed up the time of our date.

Wendy: I'm calling the cops.

Dave: Don't call the cops!

Wendy: You are so creepy, Dave!

Black Steve: Can't you see he love you, bitch?!

Other: [singing] I loves you, bitch. I love you, bitch.

Todd Loses His Mind [1.09]

[after Todd loses his mind and jumps out of the window of the Gameavision board room]

Larrity: Okay, well, that happened.

Jerry: Hey, little man. I hear you. But you're the lead game tester, and that's a mighty responsibility.

Benny: Hit the bricks. I don't listen to guy that gets less ass than me.

Jerry: [starts chasing Benny] Listen, you little shit, you get over here!

Benny: [faking] Help, help! Jerry and Dave tried to touch me where I pee!

Dave: Oh, crap.

Jerry: What?! No, NO! My--my hands are up in the air! I didn't touch anyone's wee-wee!

Mary: Dean, are you okay?

Dean: Yeah, he just ran over my head. My head holds up pretty good to vans.

Todd: Hey Nani Nani Cho Cho Cho, Hey Nani Nani Cho!

Larrity: YEEEEE HAAAAA! I feel like dancing me a hoe-down!

Benny: Say what?

Larrity: Haha! I love it! Life tastes sweeter when you're being hunted!

Third Reich's the Charm [1.10]

Clarence: [singing] Even I'm offended. And I just spent all weekend watching three men fuck.

Todd: Does this shirt make me look fat?

Clare: No, VISION makes you look fat, Todd.

Jerry: RELAXATION IS NAZI BULLSHIT!

Wrassle Mania [1.11]

Black Steve: Fuck! Why do I kill?!

Benny: Round one: Manly Man vs. Todd the fat sack of cow shit, who's also gay and I hate him and so I hope he die an' his nuts pop!

Larrity: Do the manly man slam! Do the manly man slam!

Benny: Round Two! In this corner, the "Ice Wall", Sergai the Giant vs. Todd, who still smells like cow shit and I still hope his other nut pop!

Todd: Ooooh. My nuts...my guts...

Vegas, Baby! [1.12]

Larrity: I'll trade you five bags of sugar for the company.

Benny: Six bags.

Larrity: It's a deal!

Benny: Heh heh heh...you stupid round eye...

The Revenge of Matsui [1.13]

Larrity: Yes, "boobies", what?

Mary: Don't you think it's possible this could be a trap? I mean, Takeda Matsui is the head of Protendo.

Larrity: And...

Mary: And you killed his brother?

Larrity: When was that?

Mary: It was seven weeks ago!

Takeda: Amazing that you have tested all these games.

Benny: [farts on first game] That's what I think of your stupid game. [farts on second game] And that's what I think of your sucky, sucky game. [to third game maker] Your game...isn't even worthy of being farted on! IT'S THE WORST GAME I'VE EVER SEEN! But, I going to make you deal. [pukes on game cartridge] No go. I got my eye on you, bitch.

Clarence: [singing] Going down.

Larrity: Oh right, Clarence insisted on coming too.

Clarence: [singing] I always insist on coming.

Larrity: Thank you, that's disgusting.

Dave: Hey Takeda. I hope you're a fan of getting your ass handed to you.

Takeda: Actually, I am not.

Dave: Well, too bad, because your ass will indeed be handed to you. ...That sounded awkward, I'm sorry.

Takeda: Larrity will soon come to rescue you, my little Malaysian hostage.

Benny: I'm Korean, fool!

Mr. Larrity: And yes, Black Steve, hell just froze over. I'm gonna pay overtime.

Mr. Larrity: My granddaddy told me something I'll never forget. He said, "If you want to win a war, you gots to always keep them guessing."

Season Two

My Pal Jody [2.02]

Dave: I know right from wrong, occasionally I choose, well a lot, I choose to ignore that knowledge. Like, when I gave Todd a roofie and left him at the Purple Helmet. Or when I called Claire and pretended to be her dead father. Those things were definitively wrong. But they were wrong by choice, dude. This time, I didn't do anything wrong, except use drugs to do my job and make an extremely violent video game. And that's not a crime, dude! That's America!

Psychological Problems [2.03]

"Shrink": Let's try some word association: Cat.

Larrity: Garfield.

"Shrink": Dolphins.

Larrity: Intelligent.

"Shrink": Shoes.

Larrity: Intelligent again! 3 for 3!

"Shrink": Marriage.

Larrity: Murder...

"Shrink": Swimming pools.

Larrity: Water murder.

"Shrink": Orphanage.

Larrity: Arson.

Dave: I know this one: it's a reggae band of ants, and bad news, the drummer, he sucks.

Dave Gets Boobs [2.04]

Jerry: Dave, girlfriends let you see their boobs for free, I've been told.

Dave: Dude, that's the oldest lie in the book!

Jerry: There's a book?

Dave: Yes, Jerry, it's called the Book of Lies! The first chapter is, if you get a girlfriend, you get to see her boobs for free.

Jerry: Wait, you don't?

Dave: Hell no, dude! Girlfriends make you pay an emotional cost! You may not have to fork over money, but you gotta ask them questions like, "Um, how are you?" and "What are you doing?" and "Does this hurt?" and "Did you forget to take your pill?" and stuff like that. It's horrible!

Jerry: I don't know, Dave, I think it sounds kinda nice.

Dream sequence of Jerry with Mary

Jerry: Hi honey, I'm home!

Mary: Where's my dinner, bitch?

Jerry: Ow! Ow, stop it! Stop it, you're a monster!

Dream sequence ends

Jerry: Oh man, even my dreams hate me.

Dave: Of course they do! You're a dick and you should start sucking cock. On the other hand, I am a problem solver, and I'm gonna solve this problem so I never have to pay for boobs again. But I'm gonna need some help!

Benny's Birthday [2.10]

Larrity: If I had a sister, I'd bang the hell outta her. And I've spilt enough blood to know it's thicker than water. Now I have to go drop off an orphan in the woods. And that ain't a poop joke.

Dean: Yo dad, when I was little you used to say you shoulda had me adopted.

Larrity: And now I'm finally glad nobody wanted you, 'cause you're a gosh darn genius! We gots to get Benny adopted!

Dean: Did ya hear that? My dad thinks I'm a genus! A group of organisms that share a common characteristic! What's up?!

The Great Recession [2.11]

Mary: Wait a minute. The solution to our problem is all around us. The mall! This place is filled with employment opportunities.

Dave: Show us your tits or get the fuck off the stage!

Dave: Drinking yourself to death is expensive!

External Links

Wikipedia

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Code Monkeys