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Bromwell High

television series

Bromwell High (2005) is a comedy animation, broadcast on Channel 4 (Episodes 1-6) in the UK and Teletoon (via The Detour) in Canada, as well as BBC America in the US and ABC2 in Australia and in some non-english speaking territories. The show follows Keisha, Natella and Latrina through their lives at the inner-city London comprehensive school, Bromwell High. It consists of one continuous run of 13 episodes, seven of which are unaired in the UK. The UK DVD lists the aired episodes as Series 1 and the unaired episodes as Series 2, though in fact they are the same season.

Season 1

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Tolerance [1.1]

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Miss Dickson: So, this week's project is tolerance. I want each of you to do a presentation in assembly on Friday.
Latrina: Oh, Miss Dickson, tolerance is for gays!
Miss Dickson: So, this week's project is tolerance. I want each of you to do a presentation in assembly on Friday.
Natella: And the best one wins a prize!?
Miss Dickson: No, no prize.
Natella: I'm going to win that prize, Miss Dickson.
Keisha: How do you always think you're gonna win?
Natella: Because I always do.
Keisha: Oh yeah.
Miss Dickson: Really, there's no prize. I don't believe in prizes.
Keisha: What, you don't believe prizes exists?
Miss Dickson: Well I believe they exist but...
Keisha: Well then I'm going to win that prize, Miss Dickson.
Natella: I don't think so.
Keisha: Oh don't you, Natella? And why won't I win?
Natella: Because, I always do.
Keisha: Oh yeah.
Keisha: I is tolerant like a muthafucker.
Miss Dickson: Who can tell me something different about Kylie? Keisha?
Keisha: She STINKS!
Miss Dickson: Yes, stinking is different. Most people would bathe. Yes, Latrina?
Latrina: Her face looks like she's been 'it by a spade.
Miss Dickson: SPADEFACE! Yes that's different.
Keisha: Rick Brumshah's done a shit IN HER POCKET!
[Kylie starts crying]
Miss Dickson: Oh, that's a good one.
Mr. Bibby: [After flat-block is demolished for lacking council planning permission] I have some experience in corporate manslaughter, headmaster, and I suspect we'll have to give that money to the relatives of the dead. And probably a good deal more, due to what lawyers would call your massive and absolute incompetence.
Iqbal: Screw this country that knocks success!
Iqbal: [On ways to save money] From now on, no more coffee, you will only drink your own urine, like I do. [Gasps] In fact, you will drink my urine. [Gasps] And no more biscuits, you will eat only horses. [Gasps] And no more books, these kids can't read anyway.
[The staff nods in agreement]
Mrs. Jackson: Tell us at least you'll be spending the money on books!
Iqbal: If by books you mean wind-surfing lessons, then yes.
Keisha: Well today's the day.
Natella: Yep, D-day.
Keisha: Yep, Thursday
Natella: Yep, Friday.
Keisha: Yep, Wednesday
Natella: No, Keisha, it's Friday
Keisha: Or maybe it's D-day
Natella: Yes, but...
Keisha: You think you know so much about the days of the week!
Miss Dickson: I'd like to see his haymaker.
Mrs Jackson: I'd like to see his left ja-er, right hoo-um, what's another name for cock?
Miss Dickson: The prize goes to Kylie for reminding us that it's easy to be tolerant to those we like, but true tolerance includes being nice to stinking ginger freaks! [hands Kylie a large TV]

Police Story [1.2]

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Latrina: So, is we gonna be police officers together then?
Keisha: [Gasps] Latrina, policemen is bad. B-A-F bad.

Keisha's In Love [1.3]

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Keisha: That's a lie.
Lawyer: A lie, is it? Or is it [dramatic pause] the truth?
Keisha: No. You need better questions.
Lawyer: Better questions you say. Or do I need [dramatic pause] worse questions?
Iqbal: O.K., there are two teachers running for promotion to head of year eight: the slutty one and the stupid one.

[All of the teachers look on hopefully]

Mr. Bibby: You might want to be a tad more specific, Headmaster.
Iqbal: Oh, right. Uh, Miss Dickson and Mr. Phillips.
Miss Dickson: Yes! I'm the slutty one!

No More Teachers [1.4]

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Mr. Bibby: [reading a letter]: So, kidnapping pays off? [to Iqbal] I resign.
Latrina: Oh Natella! Indian music is for gays!
[After Natella plays her sitar and Gavin breaks it on stage]
Natella: Well, what did you think? Give me your honest opinion.
Keisha: You were shit, shittier than shit. You were so shit it made me wanna block up my ears with shit, and eat some shit, and then do a shit.
Natella: Right...Latrina?
Latrina: Shit.
Natella: Well, obviously I can't expect you to appreciate the subtleties of Indian classical music. For my talents to be truly appreciated, I require a more sophisticated audience.
Keisha: I agree, if sophisticated means deaf.
Dave Anderson: [after he gets a record deal] Mornin', Martin.
Martin: I'm not jealous...
Dave Anderson: Of what?
Martin: Nothing. Fuck!
Dave Anderson: What'd you mean fuck?
Martin: I love teaching, I don't wanna be a millionaire [begins to cry].
[After Dave Anderson leaves on his helicopter]
Latrina: Is Mr. Anderson leaving?
[Gavin and Martin nod their heads]
Latrina:Are you two leaving?
[Gavin and Martin shake their heads]
Latrina: So you're both still teachers?
[Gavin and Martin nod]
Latrina: You'll both be teachers forever, I reckon.
[Martin smacks Latrina on the back of her head]
Latrina: Ow! You accidentally hit me!
[Gavin smacks Latrina]
Latrina: And you too!
[Martin does it again]
Latrina: Oww!
[Phone rings in Iqbal's office]
Iqbal: Hello?
Quentin: This is Quentin Leaves from the Ministry of Education...
Iqbal: There is a Ministry of Education?! Huh, what next? Ministry of Kabob?!
Iqbal: Shit. Hold on, is the minister that blind geezer?
Quentin: No, no, he's not blind.
Iqbal: Wha, the guy with the dog and stick, who is fall down the big hole last week, that everyone else could see?

Fire Drill [1.5]

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Natella: You'll get detention if you set the school on fire!
Keisha: And if my auntie had nuts she'd be my uncle!
Carol: Keisha, you have a detention.
Keisha: [on mobile phone] Auntie May! You is a lying bitch!
Mr. Bibby: You realize this would mean giving up all wheelchair facilities.
Iqbal: Oh boo-hoo.
Mr. Bibby: But what if there's a fire?
Iqbal: [mocking him] But what if there's a fire? What if giant meteor hit the earth tomorrow? [thinks, becomes terrified] Bloody Shitcakes! We'd all be killed!
Iqbal: [addressing assembly] Finally, the wheelchair swing has been smashed up. Now, we is sure whoever did this to the wheelchair swing wants to own up. But, just to be certain, we is going to kill one pupil a day 'til they do.
Mungo: Mr Phillips, are your pants are on fire?
Mr Phillips: No, these aren't mine. I found them in lost property.
Aisha: Miss, it already half past nine. We may as well go home!
Miss Dickson: Gee, you're absolutely right!
Latrina: Oh Natella! Wheelchair accessible is for gays!
Natella: You've set fire to 3 things this week!
Keisha: No way. Prove it.
Natella: One thing on Monday, one thing on Tuesday, and one thing today. One and one and one is three.
Natella: I have to tell that Aisha broke the swing. That is the right thing to do.
Latrina: That is the right thing to do, and after she murders you, you'll go straight to heaven!
Natella: I'm a Hindu.
Latrina: Disneyland?
Iqbal: I's don't get it. You's Fired.

Valentine's Day [1.6]

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Natella: [to Keisha] Well, I hate Valentine's Day. It always ends in depression, violence, or pregnancy. Depending if you're me, you, or Latrina.
Miss Dickson: [to the kids in the Ugly Class] Just remember, you're not here because you're ugly, you're here because you're ugly and it's Valentine's Day.
[When Bromwell High is getting cable, there's a huge hole in the ground]
Gavin: Headmaster, this hole is dangerous! Whenever Jesus sees a hole, He fills it.
Iqbal: Oh, like my cousin.
Miss Dickson: Oh, come on, Gavin, it's not dangerous/ There's a huge sign saying "DANGER: BIG HOLE." As long as the kids can read, we'll be fine.
[Kylie looks at the sign, then falls into hole]
Miss Dickson: Or maybe the writing is ambiguous.
Iqbal: Bloody typical, the only kid in the whole school and only this sentence.
[Other kids start falling in hole]
Mrs. Jackson: Yes, but I really must protest,
Iqbal: You is lucky we is getting cable at these prices
Mrs. Jackson: Yes but...
Mr. Bibby: Will you stop being so selfish?
Mrs. Jackson: I'm not being selfish.
Mr. Bibby: Yes you are, 'MY car fell in the hole, MY husband's trapped in it.'
Martin: [from car] Uh, Carol...
Iqbal: Two words: red hot Dutch! O.K., it's four words but you get the point.

Goodbye Mr Crisps [1.7]

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Baby Boom [1.8]

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Natella: Latrina, your mum needs to stop having babies!
Latrina: Oh Natella! Not having babies is for gays!
Mr.Bibby: I'm not a monster, I'm a geography teacher.
Latrina: My name is Latrina and I have a question for the fat bitch.
Miss Dickson: That's fat lady, Latrina.
Latrina: Sorry, Miss Fat Lady. Why are you so fat?
Miss Dickson: Now Latrina, that is a totally inappropriate question. Anyone else? yes, Keisha?
Keisha: Miss Fat Lady, have you ever crushed a man to death during sex?
Miss Dickson: Well go on, answer the question.
Keisha: It's always some day or another at this school! Today's sex education day, yesterday was Monday. Let's take a day off, man!
Natella: You always want to take a day off. You're trapped in a cycle: don't want to learn because you can't read, can't read because you don't want to learn.
Keisha: I can't read, Natella, because I have attention deficit disorder.
Latrina: What's that?
Keisha: What's what?
Natella: Mrs. Jackson, have you done something with your hair?
Mrs. Jackson: Err, no.
Latrina: Well you should, it's a disgrace!

Sack Race [1.9]

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Keisha: Now I is going to have to do his homework.
[Inspector drops her bags with a startled look on her face]
Inspector: Homework, what's this homework?
Keisha: Homework. We have to finish it and hand it in, then he marks it.
Inspector: Marks it, I'm sorry I'm not familliar with the phrase.
Keisha: You know "marks it," right or wrong.
Inspector: Right or wrong, this man is teaching you that certain things in life are right or wrong? [after nods] That's so wrong!
Keisha: Why is English not be easy? I is speak the bitch!
Keisha: State your business, man.
Woman: I'm here to sack one of your teachers.
Keisha: [excitedly] Welcome to Bromwell High!
[Following the school's evaluation report]
Iqbal: Below Satisfactory! We is moving up in the world!

Prefect [1.10]

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Gavin: We all worship one god.
Student: I'm a Hindu!
Gavin: [mockingly laughs] Get out.

Natella Takes Charge [1.11]

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Natella: Keisha, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Keisha: Yeah! Where's our modern-day Jonathan Swift?
Natella: Closer than usual.
Iqbal: Remember, a vote for Iqbal is a vote for jobs. Your motha-fucking jobs!
Natella: I'm a natural orator!
Latrina: Ooh, me too! It's all about tucking your lips over your teeth.
Mrs. Jackson: Why don't we call you Bucketface?
Miss Dickson: I'd rather have a bucket face than a bucket fanny.
Mrs. Jackson: Martin!
Mr. Jacskon: What? I didn't tell anybody.
Iqbal: And the result is as follow. Iqbal bin Ibrahim Maurice Kandallah...
Mr. Bibby: [quietly into mic] Chicken Party.
Iqbal: Is 4 vote. Some teachers is must not vote for Iqbal!
Martin: I did!
Iqbal: Natella Tendalkar Gavaskar Srivastavah...
Mr. Bibby: [quietly into mic] Save Comprehensive Education and Fuck The Police Party.
Iqbal: Is 7 vote. [cheering] There is 817 spoiled ballot papers, of which most say "Kelly Edwards is a slag."
Kelly Edwards: [looks up while making out with random guy] Huh?
Iqbal: So, I's hereby announce that Natella is elect school President. God help us.
[Later, after a second election]
Iqbal: And the result is as follow. Keisha-Marie Christie...
Mr. Bibby: [quietly into mic] Keeping It Real.
Iqbal: 417 vote.
Keisha and Latrina: Mmm
Iqbal: Natella Tendalkar Gavaskar Srivastavah...
Mr. Bibby: [quietly into mic] Save The Police and Fuck Comprehensive Education.
Iqbal: One vote.
Keisha and Latrina: Yeah!
Iqbal: There is 402 spoilt ballot paper, of which most is "Kelly Edwards is give BJs."
Kelly Edwards: [looks up from being bent behind chairs in front of random guy] Huh?
Iqbal: I is hereby announce that Keisha-Marie is elect as School Prez!
Keisha: [As the Albanian Chicken Nuggets men leave] Why is Kelly Edwards in your car?
Mr. Phillips: I believe you can have 11 year old tyrants.
Miss Dickson: No, you can't!
Mr. Phillips: Oh really? Well, I guess you never heard of a little boy by the name of Mr. Adolf Hitler! Right little terror he was!
Mrs. Jackson: Hitler was 44 by the time he became Chancellor of Germany.
Mr. Phillips: Oh sure, he looked older, didn't he, because he had that mustache! Like that little Asian boy in Year 7. Or Miss Gosby.

Drama Queen [1.12]

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Latrina: Either I is got stage fright, or I is pregnant...again!
Mrs. Jackson: It's called "If You Don't Come Back to Me, Martin, I'll Kill You!"

Sweets [1.13]

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Journalist Steve: So... When did you take over the school?
Iqbal: Hmmm... let Iqbal think... Five years ago I's in Parkhurst for a crime I's commit...
Mr. Bibby: And I was in the former Yugoslavia.
Journalist Steve: Mm hm.
Mr. Bibby: On a caravan holiday.
Journalist Steve: Right.
Iqbal: Then I's escape- ah, don't mentions that in article- and I's meet Mr. Beeb in Angola! Where we's run successful diamond smuggle operation...
Mr. Bibby: And where we dabbled in the slave trade. Emphasize "dabbled" rather than "slave trade".
Journalist Steve: "Slave trade..."
Iqbal: For administrative reason, we's have to flee Africa...
Mr. Bibby: In a U.N. helicopter gunship.
Iqbal: Ho ho! Happy day! An' then I's run mini-cab company, until I's win school in game of poker.
Journalist Steve: Crikey! It's a real rags-to-riches story! Our readers are going to love it.
Keisha: Sweets! Sweets!
Latrina: They're dangerous.
Keisha: Sweets! Sweets!
Latrina: You could die!
Keisha: Sweets! Sweets!
Latrina: At the very least, you'll definitely wet yourself.
[Keisha is speaking in riddles]
Latrina: What class do we have next?
Keisha: Across the channel lies a land, whose words we fail to understand.
Latrina: Ah, French.
Keisha: Double Chemistry.

Cast

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