Brimstone (1998–1999) is a short-lived Fox television series, featuring a dead detective whose mission (assigned by the Devil) is to return 113 spirits who have escaped from Hell to Earth.
- [Ezekiel Stone arrives in NYC to hunt down a 100 year old priest who kills little children.]
- Det. Kane: You know, you go to hell for something like that.
- Stone: Already been there.
- Desk Clerk: Where have you been?
- Stone: Out of the country.
- Desk Clerk: Whereabouts?
- Stone: Down under.
- Desk Clerk: The elevator's busted, but you're only on the third floor.
- Stone: Long as I'm going up.
- The Devil: God's universe doesn't work like the American legal system. You do something, you pay for it.
- [Stone defends killing his wife's rapist]
- The Devil: Yes, yes, now that's what I like to hear. The indomitable spirit and righteous indignation of the human species. I've heard it a billion times defending a billion atrocities, and it's still music to my ears.
- Det. Kane: Tell me what you know about this case.
- Stone: You wouldn't believe me if I did.
- Det. Kane: What makes you so sure?
- Stone: Because you seem like an intelligent man.
- Det. Kane: You know what? Maybe I'm not as bright as I look. Try me.
- Det. Kane: [At crime scene] Three out of four.
- Det. Hirrsh: What?
- Det. Kane: What do you know about the Bible.
- Det. Hirrsh: What part?
- Det. Kane: Revelations, chapter four--
- Det. Hirrsh: Sorry. Wrong Bible. I'm the Old Testament. You go your way, I go Yahweh.
- [A museum docent hits on Stone.]
- Stone: I'm very, uh, flattered. But I'm married.
- Docent: Oh, well. It's too bad. [She leaves]
- Stone: ...Not to mention dead.
- [Stone goes after a young Provencal woman who burns people alive when she feels strong emotions.]
- [The Devil, in the guise of a guidance counselor, escorts a young coed out of his office.]
- The Devil: [to Stone] Sweet kid. I'm trying to get her on the wrong path.
- Albright: You're a cop, aren't you?
- Stone: Why do you say that?
- Albright: The coat's a little weird, but it's that look of desperation, and the eyes, devoid of life. Who else but the LAPD would pay your salary?
- [the Devil and Stone meet in an elevator for a conference]
- The Devil: You know, before they invented the elevator, I had to walk all the way from hell.
- Ezekiel Stone: Glad to hear it.
- The Devil: Second throughts, Ezekiel?
- Ezekiel Stone: Can't you find someone else to torture?
- The Devil: Millions of them. They can wait. Everyone's in such a rush. I say, stop and smell the burning flesh of sinners.
- The Devil: 113 wayward children sent back to my loving embrace. Or one bereaved husband whose heart was in the wrong place, will wake one morning to find himself easily replaced.
- Ezekiel Stone: Get out of my head.
- The Devil: As if you could wrap your brain in barbed wire to keep me out. That is a delightful image, however.
- [Stone meets the Devil in an elevator]
- Ezekiel Stone: Going up or down?
- The Devil: Guess.
- The Devil: Nobody beats the Devil. Are you listening? Did you hear what I said, Mr. Stone? Nobody beats the Devil.
- [Stone pursues a Chinese poet returns from Hell to kill women for their blood.]
- Ms. Chao: How did you find me here?
- Stone: I'm a detective.
- Stone: Where were you ten minutes ago? I could've used your help.
- The Devil: Help? I don't feel as if I know you well enough.
- Stone: What's with you? Do you want me to catch these freaks or not?
- The Devil: Of course. I want you to catch every last one. But I'm the Devil, old boy; I can't change my stripes.
- The Devil: [to Stone] Love? The most delicious emotion of all. Without love, you and I would be out of a job.
- Landlady: I want your badge number.
- Stone: 666.
- [as Stone goes through someone's mailbox]
- Ashe: Pardon me for interrupting you here, but that happens to be a federal crime. Is that within your jurisdiction, too?
- Ezekiel Stone: I answer to a lower power.
- The Devil: You don't have any friends, Ezekiel. You're not only really dead, you're really most sincerely dead.
- Ezekiel Stone: Isn't that from "The Wizard of Oz"?
- The Devil: I HATE that movie.
- The Devil: Did you know, the thorns were originally my idea?
- Ezekiel Stone: You loved her, didn't you?
- The Devil: I never loved anyone but God, and that was a long time ago.
- [Stone tries to convince the Devil to let him have a car]
- Ezekiel Stone: It's not New York any more. Nobody wants to walk around here. Plus, the buses suck.
- The Devil: Now wait a minute. Fifteen years in Hell, now you're back on Earth and you're complaining. Oh, because you have to walk. You're not going Hollywood on me, are you, Zeke?
- [after Stone has sent two souls back to hell]
- The Devil: Good work, Ezekiel. Two birds with one "Stone."
- Ezekiel Stone: Why don't you try and just enjoy some of the beautiful things in this world? Just one. Try it on for size.
- The Devil: Believe me, it won't fit.
- [Stone brushes his teeth]
- The Devil: Four out of five dentists surveyed agree, tooth decay is no longer a problem... once you're dead.
- The Devil: Please, Ezekiel. My job's not to decide who lives and dies. My business is with the soul. And I have never damned a soul who didn't thoroughly deserve it. Mother Nature is a completely different story. She kills indiscriminately, good and evil alike. Why she gets all the good press, I'll never know
- [Going through Stone's mail]
- The Devil: Junk mail, mostly. One of my lesser triumphs.
- The Devil: I have always advocated family values, all the way back to Cain and Abel.
It's a Helluva LifeEdit
- The Devil: Vanilla? Where's the waitress? I only eat Rocky Road.
- Ezekiel Stone: You really push a man to the brink.
- The Devil: I am the brink.
- Ezekiel Stone: Do you know anything about faith?
- The Devil: Faith? I was present at its creation.
- The Angel: Yours is a divine purpose, Ezekiel.
- Ezekiel Stone: [referring to the Devil] He'd freak if he heard that.
- The Angel: Good. Let him freak.
- The Devil: If it means anything, I'm sorry. Sort of. Well... no, I'm not.
- Ezekiel Stone: You know, I gotta tell you, I'm getting a little tired of breaking into desks and rifling through filing cabinets. I feel like I'm on a rerun of "Magnum P.I."
- Ezekiel Stone: You know, you should be grateful. You should be happy. Every week I send one of your sinners back to Hell. You do nothing but complain.
- The Devil: Don't get so cocky, detective! You know what over-confidence leads to, don't you? You get bit in the ass!
- Ezekiel Stone: [seeing The Devil disguised as a motorcycle cop] Don't you know it's against the law to impersonate a police officer?
- The Devil: What do you think you're doing, Ezekiel? You're impersonating a human being.
- The Devil: [mocking Ezekiel Stone for buying flowers for Lt. Ash] Will you listen to yourself? Take your head out of Cupid's ass, Ezekiel. You've got more pressing business to take care of.
- Ezekiel Stone: [reading his own headstone] "Ezekiel Stone, Beloved Husband, Detective NYPD, Died Defending The Citizens Of New York. The City, She Weepeth Sore in the Night, Her Tears Are On Her Cheeks."
- The Devil: More tears have been shed for answered prayers than for those that go unheard.
[the Devil interrupts Stone as he's having breakfast]
- Ezekiel Stone: What do you want?
- The Devil: Your every waking moment consumed with holding up your end of our bargain.
- Ezekiel Stone: Man's gotta eat.
- The Devil: A living man, perhaps. But, for you, this would be classified as recreation. Like those idle thoughts of yours replaying that sweet bygone day over and over. As if, you're expecting a different outcome. Some people would call that insane.
- Ezekiel Stone: Yeah? What would they call a conversation with the Devil over breakfast?
- Father Horn: The Devil, he appears to you as a man?
- Ezekiel Stone: Yeah. He looks a lot like a kid I used to beat the crap out of in sixth grade... I'm sure that's on purpose.
- Ezekiel Stone: What the hell do you know about love?
- The Devil: Love, the most delicious emotion of all. Without love you and I would be out of a job.
- The Devil: Thanks to global warming, it gets more and more comfortable for me up here every day.
[From the opening credits]
- Ezekiel Stone: I was a cop. When my wife was raped, I caught the guy who did it, and I killed him. Two months later, I died. I went to Hell. A hundred and thirteen of the most vile creatures... escaped.
- The Devil: They think they'll beat the Devil. Nobody beats me!
- Ezekiel Stone: So how am I supposed to send them back?
- The Devil: The eyes: windows to the soul. Destroy the eyes, and the damned get a one-way ticket back home to Hell. But it's not Hell you should be scared of. It's losing your second chance at life on Earth!
- Ezekiel Stone: Time to give the Devil his due!
- The Devil: 113 wayward children,
Sent back to my loving embrace
Or 1 bereav'ed husband
Whose heart was in the wrong place
Will wake one day to find himself