Brainiac: Science Abuse

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(A lot of times) Do not try this at home.

Taglines

Every show starts with the host announcing "This is Brainiac (or "Welcome to Brainiac"), the (science) show...

...that laughs in the face of danger, and slaps the cheeks of fear.
...that grabs science by the whats-its and shakes madly.
...that does for science what a lit fuse does for dynamite.
...where we blow stuff up in search of big answers; but mostly just for the hell of it.
...that had proof of the Roswell aliens, but taped the football over it.
...where we blow things up and then have a good look inside.
...where we lob chemicals around - then run like hell.
...where we challenge science to a bare-knuckle fight, and give it a damn good thrashing.
...that rings the doorbell of science and then runs away.
...that sticks its fingers down the throat of science.
...that doesn't listen to its mummy.
...that never bothers to read the instructions.
...that puts science in tight underpants, and gives it a wedgie.
...that's a bit like a school science lesson, without the teacher, the classroom...or the science.
...that science teachers like to confiscate, and then share out in the staffroom.
...that Albert Einstein would've invented - if he hadn't been so thick.
...where we undress science and have a good laugh at its bits.
...which, if you invite it around for Sunday lunch, would play footsie with your mum.
...that comes home late and wakes the neighbors.
...that says "Honk if you love science!".
...that orders a vindaloo and then demands more cheese.
...that gate-crashes the party of science, drinks all the beer, and wees on the sofa.
...that winds up science until the veins throb in its neck.
...that wipes its nose on the sleeve of science.
...where we light the fuse and then leg it.
...where we poke our nose into other people's business.
...that takes science by the ankles, and dangles it over a crocodile swamp.
...that does for science what five pints of lager does for ugly women.
...that doesn't curtsy to the Queen.
...that tells its girlfriend not to wait up.
...where we take science and smack it hard on its chubby little bottom.
...that takes science, strips it down, and gives it a damn good oiling.
...that's a bit like GCSE Physics, but with more girls in bikinis...and less physics.
...that does for science what Wayne Rooney does for the England football team...until he stubs his toe.
...that hangs out on street corners with its mate.
...that's nearly an anagram for "brain ache".
...that does for science what Ken does for Barbie.
...that comes home at 4 in the morning, smelling of whiskey and covered in lipstick.
...that crouches down behind science and invites you to give it a shove.
...that takes on science with both hands tied behind its back.
...that pulls down the trousers of science and spanks it with a slipper.
...that flogs science senseless with a knotted rope.
...that's funded entirely by Hillbillies.
...that plays kiss-chase with science.
...your mum warned you about.
...that meets science on a darkened street corner, and blows raspberries right in its face.
...where we use and abuse science in the name of entertainment.
...that wakes up in bed with science, and can't remember its name.
...predicted by Nostradamus.
...that thinks salad is for wimps.
...that doesn't wipe its feet before stepping on your granny's new carpet.
...that does for science what a milkmaid does for udders.
...that grabs science by the sideburns and makes it stand outside the headmaster's study.
...that tickles science until it wets its pants.
...that ties a 30-metre bungee cord around the legs of science and chucks it off a 20-metre bridge.
...that does for science what nitro does for glycerin.
...that blindfolds science and takes it for a joyride.
...that puts physics, chemistry, biology and French people into a blender and then has it for breakfast.
...that laughs in the face of science.
...that other science shows cross the street just to avoid.
...that does for science what Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen does for Australian football.
...that’s got more stuffing than your mum’s turkey.
...that knows where the presents are hidden.
...that doesn't write “thank you” letters.
...that does for science what a naked flame does for a petrol station forecourt.
...that doesn't wash its hands after going to the loo.
...that pulls a moonie in the face of science.
...that bunks off work early.
...that puts its feet up on your mum's best furniture.
...where science stays up late, way past its bedtime.
...that farts in the jacuzzi of human knowledge.
...that gets on the bus without paying its fare.
...that's so hard, you can crack nuts with it.
...that makes up the rules as it goes along.
...that's missing its two front teeth.
...that drills a hole and has a peep next door.
...that ties together the shoelaces of science.
...that walks straight through your house in muddy boots.
...that gets other people to do its homework.
...that always leaves the toilet seat up.
...that tells you the truth: Father Christmas is real, and we've got the proof.
...that puts worms in the pockets of science.
...that scribbles in the textbooks of science.
...that has your neighbor's curtains twitching.
...that poos in a petri dish - and leaves you to do the explaining.
...an itchy rash on the buttocks of science.
...that does for science what a pair of pliers does for a toothache.
...a gale-force wind on the comb-over of science.
...that puts the "fizz" into "physics".
...that strips science of its dignity and sends it home to its mum.
...that takes science out to dinner and then leaves without paying.
...that wipes bogies under the desk of science.
...for the chemically challenged.
...a shedful of explosives in the allotment of science.
...you have to wash your hands after watching.
...a paper bag on the ugly face of science.
...that farts into a pipette and then leaves it on your mantelpiece.
...that does for science what lunchboxes do for sprinters.
...that does for science what badly-thrown javelins do for hot dog salesmen.
...that does for science what a long stick does for blocked drains.
...that spills knowledge over the trousers of science.
...a skidmark on the underpants of science.
...that declares war on magnets.
...that makes the connection between gravy and monkeys.
...that uses jelinite as a hair gel.
...that's tested on living humans.
...that spends a night with science and then e-mails you the pictures.
...that took science up the aisle but then snogged the bridesmaid.
...that wets its underpants inside-out to save on the laundry.
...that lances boils on the spotty bottom of science.
...running up the down escalator of science.
...the dodgy landing gear on the jumbo jet of science.
...an embarrassing wet patch on the trousers of science.
...that farts at the dinner table and blames your granny.
...that taught science how to swim - by chucking it into the deep end.
...the bug-eyed, hunchbacked stepchild in the family of science.
...a verruca on the naked foot of Lady Science.
...that jams its finger in the eye of reason - for no reason.
...[telepathically] for psychics. [out loud] Or maybe it's physicists...
...that takes common sense out the back - and gives it a good sh-
...a lit match in the firework factory of science.
...with short-term memory loss. Welcome to Brainiac, the science show with short-term memory loss. Welcome to Brainiac...
...that bottles its sweat and sells it as perfume.
...that pats science on the head and then runs off with its toupée.
...a vampire bat in the underpants of science.
...that tied science to the railway tracks and then boarded the 6:15 to Scarborough.
...that wipes its bottom on science's face flannel.
...that took Sir Isaac Newton's apple and turned it into cider.
...that finds the quietest spot in the library, and spontaneously combusts.
...that snorkels in cesspits.
...that gently nibbles on the toes of science - and then bites its leg off.
...that zooms past speed cameras in science's car.
...a yellow stain on the sports sock of science.
...that won the Nobel Prize - for pebble dashing.
...a third nipple on the hairy chest of science.
...a backstreet liposuction on the pudgy guts of science.

Quotes from specific segments and episodes

Microwaves

Series 1 and 2:

(alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. For your safety and the protection of those around you, do not try this at home. (disappears, then reappears) No, really, don't.

Series 3 and 4:

(alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home. (disappears, then reappears) No, really, don't.

Series 5:

Stop! (Vic Reeves blows party whistle) The following recipe is dangerous. Do not try this at home...or anywhere else for that matter!

Series 6:

(Vic Reeves appears) Hey,you! Stop! The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home...for pity's sake!

In all series: * ...we do these experiments ('recipes' in series 5) so you don't have to. Do not try this at home. (Added in Series 1: ...no, really, don't.)

Electrocution of Brainiac (series 2)

...(insert action here), one more thing you can't do whilst being electrocuted.

Electricity on Tour (series 3)

...a lot harder when you're being electrocuted.

Electrocution of celebrities (series 5)

So, can (insert name here) still do his/her glitzy day job whilst being electrocuted? Yes/No.

Talents performed under electric shocks (series 6)

Thaila Zucchi: one more act you can't do when receiving electric shocks.

Things Jon Tickle's Body Can't Do

Jon: I'm sorry, nurse, I can't do that.

...just one more thing that Jon Tickle's body can't do.

47-Second Science

47-Second Science - tackling life's big questions in bite-sized chunks.

Dr. Bunhead on the Road/ Service Station Science

Dr Bunhead on the road,where science's biggest loser sets of in his trusty old van/old banger, peddling chemistry to the masses.

Tickle's Teasers

Jon (at the start of every teaser): Here's one for you...

Superbrainiac (series 5)

Is it a drain specialist? Is it a road sweeper? No,it's Super Brainiac! The result of a mistake in a laboratory. His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!
Is it a day-glow ninja? Is it a flourescent madman? Yes,it's Super Brainiac! The result of an experiment that trebled his IQ to 42! His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!
Super brainiac: saving the world with science!

Series 1, episode 1

I love science - not all that "what do you get if you mix this chemical with that chemical?" nonsense - [throws away the science magazine he was reading] I mean, proper science, like this - [picking up the tabloid newspaper on his lap] there's this bloke, German scientist, Franz Epping...he's come up with this theory that, staring at a woman's breasts for 30 minutes is the equivalent of a 30-minute workout. [closes the paper as camera zooms in on Hammond's face] Now that is an experiment I really wanna do.

Well, it would be cruel to kill a car-so let's kill a caravan.

Series 2, episode 10

You'll be forgiven for thinking it's snowing. It's not. That's actually pieces of caravan. It's been blown to smithereens.

Series 3, episode 2

Dr Bunhead: Oh, get me a better potato! (laughter)

Series 3, episode 6

This is a car. It's been specially chosen to be destroyed because it's old, it's white, but more importantly, because it's French.

Series 5, episode 6

Charlotte Hudson: People who wear sunglasses are often seen as cool and trendy-apart from Liam Gallagher of course.

External links

Wikipedia

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Brainiac: Science Abuse