Boy on a Stick and Slither
Boy on a Stick and Slither is a webcomic by Steven L. Cloud.
Strips 1-50
edit- Slither: I bet if you spit on Mick Jagger you'd get on MTV news.
- "Fame"
- Boy: What if fish had external genitalia. Visualize that. I bet there'd be a lot more aquariums.
- "The Fishes"
- Boy: What do you think is the biggest problem facing snakes today?
- Slither: Eating our young, probably.
- Boy: Oh? What do they taste like?
- Slither: They're delicious.
- "Problems"
- Boy: Things work out for the best, don't they?
- Slither: No.
- Boy: What goes around comes around. Right?
- Slither: Depends.
- Boy: People never change, do they?
- Slither: I've known people who've changed.
- Boy: Cuts like a knife but feels so right?
- Slither: Oh, yeah.
- "True-ism"
- Boy: What to know the number one complaint of Mr. T's housekeeper?
- Slither: All the gold.
- Boy: Nope. All the pity.
- "Mr T."
- Boy: Make it unboring.
- Slither: I can't.
- "Ennui"
- Boy: What kind of guards do they have at hermaphrodite prison?
- Slither: Understanding.
- "Prison"
- Boy: You know the worst part of war?
- Slither: What?
- Boy: Cleaning up after the bombs.
- "War"
- Slither: Why don't you comb your hair?
- Boy: I don't oppress any part of my body.
- "Hair"
- Boy: I don't like flap-jacks because I imagine they taste like skin.
- "Flap-Jacks"
- Boy: Pickles are rotted cucumbers.
- "Colloquialism"
Strips 51-100
edit- Boy: It's a simple fact.
- Slither: If your home stinks it's less valuable.
- Boy: Protect your investment.
- Slither: Dispose of dead bodies.
- "Home-Owner's Forum"
- Boy: Listen to logic and reason like a scientist does and take advantage of this sale.
- "Savings"
- Boy: There's wisdome in the eye of a puppy, but the tooth of a cat has a point.
- "Old-Timey Sayings"
- Boy: Food in the mouth is different in the belly.
- "Old-Timey Sayings"
- Boy: Smell.//How doth you, smell?//I liken thee to an angel//Only my nose can see.//Smell.
- "Ode To Smell"
- Boy: We're here to help...
- Slither: ...you.
- Boy: Don't spill poison on a baby.
- Slither: A baby's skin is sensitive.
- Boy: Don't feed the baby alligator meat.
- Slither: It's a medical fact.
- Boy: Don't let the baby play with spears.
- Slither: Spears are never a good idea.
- "Your Baby's Health"
- Boy: The older they get, the more Tina Turner and Rod Stewart look like each other.
- "Coincidene"
- Slither: Avoid all germs.
- Boy: Just drink some orange juice.
- Slither: And hope for the best.
- "Germs"
- Boy: You mean you're a realist.
- Slither: I just say what I think...you can call it what you want.
- Boy: I'm going to call it Donny.
- "Genuine Article"
- Boy: You're not old until you're a 76 year old Hawaiian woman. Statistically speaking.
- "Oldie"
- Boy: The mints of today are far superior to the mints of yesteryear.
- Slither: It's amazing. Our children's breath will be fresher than we can imagine...and more powerful than our ancestors could have dreamed.
- "Minty Fresh"
Strips 101-150
edit- Cobra: (Sitting next to a garden hose) I married beneath me.
- "Evolution"
- Take heed: After the Apocalypse TICKETS will be our currency!
- "Arcade Rules"
- Boy: I'm gonna get a tatoo that says, "If found, return to God."
- Slither: Why?
- Boy: Free ticket to Heaven, brother!
- "Tatoo You"
- Slither: I think if old people used candy canes instead of real canes, people would like them more.
- "The Elderly"
- Boy: The perfect person would share. The perfect person can dance.
- Slither: The perfect person doesn't make racist jokes.
- Boy: Nope. The perfect person is undeniably classy.
- Slither: The perfect person is pleasantly mediocre.
- "The Perfect Person"
- Slither: I hate it when celebrities who aren't famous anymore try to advertise for charities.
- "Celebrity"
- Slither: If you're a vet, the best thing that could happen to you is that you'd get to recommend a pet food on TV. I mean, for, like, that one time...their opinion really matters.
- "Veterinarians"
- Boy: Mix tapes are the currency of nerds.
- "Hickey Chick"
- Slither: God is dead.
- Boy: Nietzsche is dead.
- Slither: Touche.
- Slither: But seriously, God is dead.
- "Philosophy"
- Slither: You will die, die, die//In a very heinous way.//I'm gladdened by death.
- "Things That Cheer You Up"
- Slither's Tooth: Kid, if I wasn't low on venom, you'd be so full of poison right now.
- "Nancy Come Home"
- Boy: It's easy to over-do it with the mummy wrap.
- Slither: At a certain point, it's just not scary anymore.
- "Kid's Tip"
Strips 151-200
edit- Boy: Here are some bands we'd like to see...
- Slither: "Vibrating Bread"...for an indie-rock band.
- Boy: "3rd World Gum Tree"...punk, maybe...and "Vodkatronick; The Ultimate Mixer". I'm thinking D.J.
- Slither: No, duh.
- "Bands"
- Boy: The 1940's were characterized by people's love of ice-cream and fascination with owls!
- "Time War"
- Boy: Do you want to play, "Find the Septic Tank"?
- "Shtick"
- Boy: You know if the American flag was prettier everybody wouldn't burn it as much. I mean, nobody burns the Gay flag. It's a pretty rainbow. Who would burn a rainbow? Nobody.
- "Patriotism"
- Boy: All memories form in the brain, and we all remember the big events in our lives.
- Slither: Like a parent's berating.
- Boy: But it's also important to remember some mundane moments.
- Slither: Right now, for instance.
- Boy: Round out your memory.
- Slither: It's all you got.
- "Kid's Tip"
- Slither: What does Australia have to offer us besides men who evasively taunt crocodiles? I mean, we got THAT in Florida.
- "Australia"
- Boy: Would you like to borrow my "Paul's Boutique" CD?
- Snake: No. I have a copy.
- Boy: Crap! I'm training for the Sharing World Championship.
- "Sharing"
- Boy: May 1970. I found this signed Joe Montana 49'ers jersey in the jungles of Vietnam.
- Slither: Joe wasn't drafted until 1979, making this item the rarest of all gems.
- "Antique Fortunes"
- Boy: Want to hear about my dream?
- Slither: No.
- Boy: Like, I was in this white room with no exits. Just this switch that didn't do anything, and I just kept flicking it...until it broke. The dream got boring after that.
- "Impossible Dream"
- Slither: Turns out he was allergic to my venom.
- Boy: HAHAHA! Really?!
- Slither: I was like, DOCTOR, HEAL THYSELF!
- "The Dentist"
- Boy: It's probably okay to kill mosquitos.
- Slither: Probably.
- "Home Remedies"
- Mr. Money: I'm arbitrary.
- "New Characters"
Strips 201-250
edit- Boy: Do you think God should be taught in schools?
- Slither: No way. Why would God want to be associated with school? School sucks, man.
- "Play It Cool"
- Boy: Everyone should be unique.
- Slither: Everyone IS unique.
- Boy: Well, they should be.
- Slither: They have no choice in the matter.
- Boy: Nor should they.
- "To Thine Own Self"
- Boy: Cavemen didn't wear pants. Therefore they couldn't crap themselves. Technically.
- Slither: Such is the sacrifice of our modern existence.
- "Cavement"
- Boy: Who's more valuable? Rich people or poor people?
- Slither: Poor people are more valuable alive. Rich people are more valuable dead.
- "Value"
- Slither: I lost my job. I lost my house. I lost my family. And I lost my dog.
- Boy: In all fairness, you ate your dog.
- "Loss"
- Slither: You know what love gets you? Old people kissing.
- "The Science"
- Boy: You're green.
- Slither: Greens are balanced, harmonious and peaceful personalities.
- "Top Colors"
- Boy:I don't fit in.
- Slither: Me neither.
- Boy: Wow! We're the same!
- Slither: No. You're a freak. I just don't like people.
- "The Difference"
- Slither: I've invented this device. It will replay your life in its entirety. It was dubbed the world's second most depressing invention of all time.
- "Invention"
- Boy: It's important to know and understand clown markings.
- Slither: Your safety depends on it.
- "Clown Markings"
- Slither: If you throw something at somebody and they catch it, you gain a certain amount of respect for them. If they drop it, some respect is lost. It's subtle. But it happens.
- "The Cool Rules"
- Slither: People don't stop pretending. They just start pretending really boring stuff.
- "Let's Pretend"
Strips 251-300
edit- Boy: What was your best idea, ever?
- Slither: I dreamed of creating a race of solid gold babies.
- "Solid Gold Baby"
- Slither: If I was ever a Drill Sergeant, I would treat each of my recruits with the utmost courtesy and respect. They would think I was a pretty cool Drill Sergeant. Then I'd snub them at the big graduation dance! "I thought we were friends!" they'd say. No. We were never friends.
- "Basic Training"
- Boy: I read that people only absorb the information that supports their world view.
- Slither: Where did you read that?
- Boy: Priviledged White Male Quarterly.
- "World View"
