Strips 1-50 Edit
Slither: I bet if you spit on Mick Jagger you'd get on MTV news.
Boy: What if fish had external genitalia. Visualize that. I bet there'd be a lot more aquariums.
Boy: What do you think is the biggest problem facing snakes today?
Slither: Eating our young, probably.
Boy: Oh? What do they taste like?
Slither: They're delicious.
Boy: Things work out for the best, don't they?
Boy: What goes around comes around. Right?
Boy: People never change, do they?
Slither: I've known people who've changed.
Boy: Cuts like a knife but feels so right?
Slither: Oh, yeah.
Boy: What to know the number one complaint of Mr. T's housekeeper?
Slither: All the gold.
Boy: Nope. All the pity.
Boy: Make it unboring.
Slither: I can't.
Boy: What kind of guards do they have at hermaphrodite prison?
Boy: You know the worst part of war?
Boy: Cleaning up after the bombs.
Slither: Why don't you comb your hair?
Boy: I don't oppress any part of my body.
Boy: I don't like flap-jacks because I imagine they taste like skin.
Boy: Pickles are rotted cucumbers.
"Colloquialism" Strips 51-100 Edit
Boy: It's a simple fact.
Slither: If your home stinks it's less valuable.
Boy: Protect your investment.
Slither: Dispose of dead bodies.
Boy: Listen to logic and reason like a scientist does and take advantage of this sale.
Boy: There's wisdome in the eye of a puppy, but the tooth of a cat has a point.
Boy: Food in the mouth is different in the belly.
Boy: Smell.//How doth you, smell?//I liken thee to an angel//Only my nose can see.//Smell.
"Ode To Smell"
Boy: We're here to help...
Boy: Don't spill poison on a baby.
Slither: A baby's skin is sensitive.
Boy: Don't feed the baby alligator meat.
Slither: It's a medical fact.
Boy: Don't let the baby play with spears.
Slither: Spears are never a good idea.
"Your Baby's Health"
Boy: The older they get, the more Tina Turner and Rod Stewart look like each other.
Slither: Avoid all germs.
Boy: Just drink some orange juice.
Slither: And hope for the best.
Boy: You mean you're a realist.
Slither: I just say what I think...you can call it what you want.
Boy: I'm going to call it Donny.
Boy: You're not old until you're a 76 year old Hawaiian woman. Statistically speaking.
Boy: The mints of today are far superior to the mints of yesteryear.
Slither: It's amazing. Our children's breath will be fresher than we can imagine...and more powerful than our ancestors could have dreamed.
"Minty Fresh" Strips 101-150 Edit
Cobra: (Sitting next to a garden hose) I married beneath me.
Take heed: After the Apocalypse TICKETS will be our currency!
Boy: I'm gonna get a tatoo that says, "If found, return to God."
Boy: Free ticket to Heaven, brother!
Slither: I think if old people used candy canes instead of real canes, people would like them more.
Boy: The perfect person would share. The perfect person can dance.
Slither: The perfect person doesn't make racist jokes.
Boy: Nope. The perfect person is undeniably classy.
Slither: The perfect person is pleasantly mediocre.
"The Perfect Person"
Slither: I hate it when celebrities who aren't famous anymore try to advertise for charities.
Slither: If you're a vet, the best thing that could happen to you is that you'd get to recommend a pet food on TV. I mean, for, like, that one time...their opinion really matters.
Boy: Mix tapes are the currency of nerds.
Slither: God is dead.
Boy: Nietzsche is dead.
Slither: But seriously, God is dead.
Slither: You will die, die, die//In a very heinous way.//I'm gladdened by death.
"Things That Cheer You Up"
Slither's Tooth: Kid, if I wasn't low on venom, you'd be so full of poison right now.
"Nancy Come Home"
Boy: It's easy to over-do it with the mummy wrap.
Slither: At a certain point, it's just not scary anymore.
"Kid's Tip" Strips 151-200 Edit
Boy: Here are some bands we'd like to see...
Slither: "Vibrating Bread"...for an indie-rock band.
Boy: "3rd World Gum Tree"...punk, maybe...and "Vodkatronick; The Ultimate Mixer". I'm thinking D.J.
Slither: No, duh.
Boy: The 1940's were characterized by people's love of ice-cream and fascination with owls!
Boy: Do you want to play, "Find the Septic Tank"?
Boy: You know if the American flag was prettier everybody wouldn't burn it as much. I mean, nobody burns the Gay flag. It's a pretty rainbow. Who would burn a rainbow? Nobody.
Boy: All memories form in the brain, and we all remember the big events in our lives.
Slither: Like a parent's berating.
Boy: But it's also important to remember some mundane moments.
Slither: Right now, for instance.
Boy: Round out your memory.
Slither: It's all you got.
Slither: What does Australia have to offer us besides men who evasively taunt crocodiles? I mean, we got THAT in Florida.
Boy: Would you like to borrow my "Paul's Boutique" CD?
Snake: No. I have a copy.
Boy: Crap! I'm training for the Sharing World Championship.
Boy: May 1970. I found this signed Joe Montana 49'ers jersey in the jungles of Vietnam.
Slither: Joe wasn't drafted until 1979, making this item the rarest of all gems.
Boy: Want to hear about my dream?
Boy: Like, I was in this white room with no exits. Just this switch that didn't do anything, and I just kept flicking it...until it broke. The dream got boring after that.
Slither: Turns out he was allergic to my venom.
Boy: HAHAHA! Really?!
Slither: I was like, DOCTOR, HEAL THYSELF!
Boy: It's probably okay to kill mosquitos.
Mr. Money: I'm arbitrary.
"New Characters" Strips 201-250 Edit
Boy: Do you think God should be taught in schools?
Slither: No way. Why would God want to be associated with school? School sucks, man.
"Play It Cool"
Boy: Everyone should be unique.
Slither: Everyone IS unique.
Boy: Well, they should be.
Slither: They have no choice in the matter.
Boy: Nor should they.
"To Thine Own Self"
Boy: Cavemen didn't wear pants. Therefore they couldn't crap themselves. Technically.
Slither: Such is the sacrifice of our modern existence.
Boy: Who's more valuable? Rich people or poor people?
Slither: Poor people are more valuable alive. Rich people are more valuable dead.
Slither: I lost my job. I lost my house. I lost my family. And I lost my dog.
Boy: In all fairness, you ate your dog.
Slither: You know what love gets you? Old people kissing.
Boy: You're green.
Slither: Greens are balanced, harmonious and peaceful personalities.
Boy:I don't fit in.
Slither: Me neither.
Boy: Wow! We're the same!
Slither: No. You're a freak. I just don't like people.
Slither: I've invented this device. It will replay your life in its entirety. It was dubbed the world's second most depressing invention of all time.
Boy: It's important to know and understand clown markings.
Slither: Your safety depends on it.
Slither: If you throw something at somebody and they catch it, you gain a certain amount of respect for them. If they drop it, some respect is lost. It's subtle. But it happens.
"The Cool Rules"
Slither: People don't stop pretending. They just start pretending really boring stuff.
"Let's Pretend" Strips 251-300 Edit
Boy: What was your best idea, ever?
Slither: I dreamed of creating a race of solid gold babies.
"Solid Gold Baby"
Slither: If I was ever a Drill Sergeant, I would treat each of my recruits with the utmost courtesy and respect. They would think I was a pretty cool Drill Sergeant. Then I'd snub them at the big graduation dance! "I thought we were friends!" they'd say. No. We were never friends.
Boy: I read that people only absorb the information that supports their world view.
Slither: Where did you read that?
Boy: Priviledged White Male Quarterly.
External links Edit