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Bobby Heenan

American wrestling commentator and manager (1944–2017)

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan (born Raymond Louis Heenan on November 1, 1943 - September 17, 2017) was an American professional wrestling manager and color commentator. He is legendary in the business for his skill in drawing heel heat for himself and his wrestlers, and for his masterful on-screen repartee with Gorilla Monsoon as a color commentator.

Bobby Heenan (front), a Caucasian man in a black sequin jacket, leads André the Giant to the ring (1989)
Heenan (left) managed many of the WWF's top stars, notably leading André the Giant (right)

World Wrestling Federation (1984-1993)

edit
(Wrestlemania VI)
Brain: "Ya listen to me, you'll go to the top! You don't listen to me, you're never heard from again!"
Brain: "If the Bossman's mother was in there, the match would've been over by now. Diamond would've been carried away laughing, holding his nose" (Referring to a match with Dustin Rhodes against Paul Diamond)
Gorilla: "Hello ladies." (referring to the Rosatti sisters. The Rosatti's are several rather large women who, among other things, were regulars on the short-lived USA Network program The Bobby Heenan Show.)
Brain: "I guess the rodeo's in town again."
Gorilla: (again talking about the Rossatis) "Hey Brain, they recognized you.
Brain: "The only thing they recognize is a buffet."
(While being interviewed by Gene Okerlund about an upcoming handicap match Heenan was competing in)
Okerlund: (while Brain is speaking) You're paranoid.
Brain: Don't you call me "Weasel", either, pal.
Okerlund: No, I didn't. I said you're paranoid.
Brain: You said it. No, you called me "Weasel" and I heard you.
Okerlund: I said you're trying to weasel out of this match.
Brain: No, I didn't try to weasel out. I just don't want to have anything to do with this match.
Brain: Now THAT'S no way to introduce a man like Hillbilly Jim!!
Monsoon: Well, how would YOU do it, Brain??
Brain: Ladies and Gentlemen... the HICK FROM MUD LICK, HILLBILLY JIM!!!
(In reference to Hillbilly Jim)
For crying out loud, McMahon, you're talking to a guy who thinks the bathroom should be outside 50 feet in back of the house!
"Well, we know the Blue Blazer is really, really agile and really, really stupid."
Brain: (on w:Real American, w:Hulk Hogan's theme music) "That's my second favorite song."
Gorilla: "I'm almost afraid to ask...what's your favorite?"
Brain: "All the rest are tied."
Brain: "Do you know what Koko B. Ware's mom's name is?"
Gorilla: "What?"
Brain: "Tupper"
(KoKo-B-Ware enters the ring with this wild new hairdo; stripes running front to back dyed in parakeet colors. You can almost hear the gears start to turn in Heenan's head.)
Brain: Do you know what KoKo calls his new hair style?
Gorilla: (With a groan) No. What?
Brain: Afroturf.
You had 700,000 votes to get into the Hall Of Fame. You'd have had a lot more, but you ran out of stamps.
(To Bob Uecker, at WrestleMania IV)
Gorilla: (Referring to Koko B. Ware's bird, Frankie) "Those birds can live to be twenty-five or thirty years old."
Brain: "Not in my house."
Gorilla: "I'm sure..."
Brain: "If he was in my house he'd be in a shake 'n' bake bag; do you like your parrots original or extra crispy?"
Gorilla: (His favorite response to anything Bobby says, exasperated) "Will you stop?"
(From Supertape)
"Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire. They're a lovely twosome, or threesome, or foursome, or twenty-fifthsome"
"You know, Big Boss Man's mom used to wrestle." "She wrestled as Battle Sow."
One was, after a match with Battle Cat, they went back to the studio.
Gorilla is talking about the last match, and Bobby is on the banana phone with someone, trying to get advance tickets to Wrestlemania VII, and one listens carefully and hears, in rapid succession:

"That's right, tickets are going on sale" "Well don't get smart with me, I'll slap you in the mouth" "Do you want me to knock ya down?" and as they pan off to an ad, "I'll talk to you later mom"

(During Roma/Animal match)
Gorilla: Well, he's (Animal) got to keep his eye on Romeo, he's got to keep his eye on Herc, and he's got to keep his eye on you too, Brain. He knows what you're all about.
Brain: Then he needs Duggan, a guy with four eyes.
(Rampage 91, During Golf instructions with Gene Okerlund)
Okerlund: It's very important, first of all, to address the ball.
Brain: Hello, ball!
"Parts Unknown, it usually means Downtown Newark."
(Referring to Ricky Steamboat when Gorilla asks why he isn't managing him)
"Yeah, but if the guy burps the wrong way, there go your eyebrows."
As I enter the field of broadcast journalism--with the likes of Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Peter Arnett--I, no doubt, will far, far surpass anything those typewriter-pushers could have ever achieved. Why? Simple, 'cause they are not...perfect.
On 'The Funeral Parlor', after Mr. Perfect introduces him as his "former" manager.
"Oh my, what a GREAT scientific move—a punch to the head!!"
(Bobby on Kerry Von Erich and his Tornado Punch)
(To Piper, Summerslam 1991) "I heard a rumour that your mom and dad ran away from home."
(In reference to Stu and Helen Hart in attendance, Summerslam 1991)
"You know why they're nervous? They snuck in. They're looking out for the usher."
(During IC title match, Summerslam 1991)
Brain: Don't touch that referee Perfect!
Gorilla: Why? A disqualification will save his title.
Brain: Okay...then nail him!
"He's the only man who can hide his own Easter eggs."
[on Kerry Von Erich, the Texas Tornado]
(During Von Erich/Warlord match)
Brain: Warlord's a lot bigger.
Gorilla: Tornado's a lot quicker, Brain.
Brain: Warlord's a lot stronger.
Gorilla: Tornado's a lot smarter, Brain.
Brain: Now you've lied to the people.
"That was Tornado's forte in college. He was a javelin catcher."
(Summerslam 1991)
"With Butch, Luke, and Andre in there, which one is Larry, Darryl, and Darryl?"
(Bobby on some random doctor saying the Bushwhacker's Power Walk is good for you.)
Monsoon: What do you think of THAT, Brain??
Brain: "Does the word 'quack' mean anything to you?"
(Regarding Davey Boy Smith)
"Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo"
"It's four against four. Do you realize Duggan's looking across the ring and sees eight?"
"The Flying Jalepeno"
Bobby's name for Tito Santana's flying forearm finishing move
Gorilla: I have trouble telling the Beverly's apart.
Bobby: Beau's the one with the blond hair. (They are both blond.)
(During Survivor Series)
"And tomorrow, I'm having a bunch of guests over to my home in Beverly Hills, turkey for everyone, only 8 bucks a head at the door."
Brain: And the little runt—
Gorilla: Did I hear you call Jimmy Hart a runt?
Brain: No, I was clearing my throat *HA-RUNNNNTK*
(Mocking Gorilla Monsoon)
"There's one to the cervial dervial part of the back"
(Bobby during a Saturday Night's Main Event tag team match involving Hulk Hogan/Sid Justice and Ric Flair/Sid Justice
"Help Me, Help Me, I've had it. (preferring to Hulk Hogan) The WWF Champion (Flair) is kicking my butt, Help Me!"
(Bobby on the WWF's 1-900 number)
Gorilla: Kids, ask your parent's permission before calling.
Brain: "And if they don't give you permission, just take a baseball bat, sneak up behind them, and BAM!!"
During Undertaker match, Wrestlemania VIII
Brain: C'mon ref. 1,2,3,4,5
Gorilla: What are you doing?
Brain: I'm showing ya. The referee could've broke the hold. He's intimidated by that monster.
Gorilla: Why don't you go down there and referee?
Brain: I'm needed here.
Gorilla: "That was an illegal move!"
Brain: "No it wasn't."
Gorilla: "Yes it was!"
Brain: "No, it was a legal move, it was a Greco-Roman Hair Pull."
Gorilla: (Referring to a match in progress in Texas) "Well, we'll be right back with a fight that's taking place very near where a big fight occurred many years ago."
Brain: "You know why there were only 220 Mexicans at the Alamo?
Gorilla: "...why?"
Brain: "They only had one car."
Brain: How much does he pay you to sing the praises of him all the time?
Gorilla: Who, the Hitman?
Brain: Yes.
Gorilla: Do you know how long he's been in the World Wrestling Federation?
Brain: Too long.
Gorilla: He'll be here when you're gone, Brain.
Brain: What'd you hear?
(Wrestlemania VIII)
Gorilla: I don't know who's the legal guy in the ring
Brain: Danny Davis, the referee
Brain ...and next week i'm going to show you a picture of the man that wants to be my running mate for President.
Gorilla: WILL YOU STOP!!!!
(Steiners debut on challenge; Rick Steiner does this move where he catches a guy jumping at him and powerslams him)
Brain: Whoa! You know, I can flash back to when I used to use that move!
"You've got Fatu in the ring, Afa outside the ring, Samu's outside the ring... this is like, like, a 6-man, three-tag handicap match!"
During a singles contest between Bret Hart and Fatu on an episode of Monday Night RAW in 1993.
(Wrestlemania IX)
Ross: Back in Oklahoma, Bobby, we called a match like this a slobberknocker
Bobby: I thought that's what they called the waitress at the Tip Top cafe in Downtown Tulsa.
(Wrestlemania IX)
Ross: Hogan's giving the money away!
Bobby: Hold my headset! I'm gonna go get some cash!
"Thank goodness for next year, huh Ross. Indoor plumbing comes to Oklahoma."
"You know how some people can palm a basketball? This guy (Giant Gonzales) could probably palm a Buick!"
Ross: Virgil almost beheaded at the feet of the Headshrinkers.
Bobby: Well, it's not a big loss.
Ross: Virgil is unconscious.
Bobby: When Virgil's unconscious he's usually on his feet talking to you.
(From "Grumbles, Gripes and Grunts" video, Shawn Micheals pokes Duggan in the eye)
Bobby: That's a difficult move, he's only got a 50% chance of getting the good eye.
(Undertaker does his tightrope walk.)
Jim Ross: Look at that balance!
Bobby: I walked all four corners once.
(Monday Night Raw, July 11th 1993)
"Hawaii's the 50th state? I thought it was a suburb of Guam."
(During a Raw match between Shawn and Kamala)
Bobby: You like Kamala, don't you...
Savage: Yes I do.
Bobby: Would you let him do your taxes?
Savage: I'd rather have Kamala do them, than IRS.
Bobby: He saved me a packet last year. I paid 78 bucks, cash!
Vince: 78 dollars?! With what you earn...?
Bobby: I barely make it by, I'm supporting an orphanage in Fuji, don't you know!
Brain: He's having fun. What did you do for fun when you were a kid, collect stamps?
Vince: What's wrong with stamp collecting?
Brain: Nothing. Know what you do, you find out somebody that has stamps, make friends with them, then when they aren't looking, steal them and sell them. Great fun.

(Referring to Jim Neidhart, Royal Rumble 1992) "The man is nuts! He's got papers to prove it!"

(His famous one when the heel cheats)
"What happened there? My monitor went out."

Royal Rumble (1992)

edit
Gorilla: There goes the buzzer...
(The third entrant is Ric Flair)
Bobby: NO!
Gorilla: Oh, yes!
Bobby: DAMN IT!
Gorilla: No one ever, in the history of the Royal Rumble, has drawn numbers 1-5, and been there at the end.
Bobby: OH, SHUT UP! Take your time, Champ. Pace yourself! I'm gonna have to apologize to the people; I don't think I can be really be objective.
Gorilla: When have you ever been objective?!
Bobby: Flair, let Sags do all the work. Go over to the corner and rest, you only have two minutes...
Gorilla: You're supposed to be a broadcast journalist — be objective here.
Bobby: I told you to shut up!
Bobby: Back off, Ric. Let Haku do the dir... the kicking. (Haku attacks Flair) See! What the heck are you doing, Haku? Have you gone nuts?
Gorilla: Just to show you it's every man for himself.
Bobby: This isn't fair to Flair!
Bobby: Where's Perfect?
Gorilla: They're not allowed at ringside, Brain. You know that.
Bobby: He's not a manager, he's an executive consultant.
Gorilla: Same thing — a pest.
Bobby: Shawn Michaels is making guacamole out of El Matador.
Gorilla: He is not.
Bobby: Look at the tights, they're green.
(The Barbarian enters the Rumble)
Gorilla: Barbarian doesn't like Flair.
Bobby: The Barbarian doesn't like anybody. When I managed him he barely liked me! Why do you think they call him the Barbarian? He's not a hairdresser on his day off!
Bobby: Virgil just came in, he's number 23, right?
Gorilla: That's right!
Bobby: Just think, who knows how many bags he's gone through in the back!
Gorilla: Will you be serious?
(Ric delivers a low blow to British Bulldog)
Gorilla: Did you see that? Talk about desperation.
Bobby: You know what's at stake? A man'll do anything!
Gorilla: Pulling out all the stops, Ric Flair doing whatever necessary to hang in there.
Bobby: I'd do that to my own grandmother if I had to.
Gorilla: I'm sure you would.
(Roddy Piper saves Flair from a Jake Roberts DDT)
Bobby: I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Roddy. It's a kilt. It's not a skirt, it's a kilt.
(Not long after, Piper attacks Flair)
Bobby: You no-good creep! You skirt-wearing freak! It's not a kilt, it's a skirt!
Bobby: He's jogging. He's wasting time, he's wasting energy. He's not conserving his energy or his time.
Gorilla: He's not wasting time.
Bobby: I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
Gorilla: I know you don't.
(After Randy Savage eliminates Jake the Snake, he leaps over the top rope to continue, seemingly eliminating himself)
Gorilla: That's what happens when your heart takes over your mind.
Bobby: You can't let your loved ones control your pocketbook.
(Undertaker pulls Savage off and throws him back into the ring)
Gorilla: Well, Undertaker threw him back in, but I don't think that's gonna help him.
(Savage breaks free and chases down Jake)
Bobby: Oh, I know what it is, Monsoon! Since...Savage wasn't thrown over the top rope, so that means he can go back in. No one threw him over the rope; I believe that's one of the rules of the Royal Rumble.
Gorilla: I'll have to check that out, I'll take your word for it right now.
Bobby: See, the referee's letting him go back in.
Gorilla: He certainly is — you have to be propelled by someone else.
Bobby: (on Flair's low blow) He just tried to lift the Undertaker.
Gorilla: He did not.
Bobby: (on Virgil) Don't forget, at one time, he had that Million Dollar Championship belt.
Gorilla: He certainly did.
Bobby: Of course, he stole it, but he still had it.
Gorilla: He did not!
Bobby: I'm soaking wet, I need something to drink. Hey, you, stupid, get me something to drink!
Gorilla: He is right now the all-time record holder, in excess of 55 minutes. Congratulations are in order for Ric Flair.
Bobby: Give him the title, that's good enough for me!
Gorilla: No, I'm not giving him the title.
Gorilla: We've only got one entry left. No secret involved here; the guy who drew #30 is gonna be coming out in five seconds. It will be no surprise—it is the Warlord.
Bobby: But you never know.
(The buzzer sounds)
Gorilla: What do you mean, you never know?
Bobby: You never know what Tunney and the WWF'll pull on you!
Gorilla: It could only be one guy.
Bobby: (as the Warlord enters the aisle) I told you—the Warlord. I was right. I knew it, I was right.
Bobby: (after Flair eliminates Sid Justice, winning the Royal Rumble and the title) OH YES! YES! YES YES YES YES...
Gorilla: Flair did it!
Bobby: YES! YES! YES! YES! He did it! I told you, Monsoon! I told you, I told you! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! I told you!
Gorilla: Flair did it, I don't believe it!
Bobby: I knew he'd do it! I knew he'd do it! Oh, you humanoids... I'm gonna meet him!
(Backstage, after Flair receives the belt)
Bobby: I was never so impressed with anything I've ever seen in all my life! He went out there for over sixty minutes, never took a bad step! Took it to Hogan, took it to the Undertaker, took it to whoever got in that ring! That's why he is — and you call him now — the real world's heavyweight champion!
Mr. Perfect: Bobby, we're not the kind of guys to say, "we told you so," but we...
Bobby and Perfect: Told you so!

WrestleMania VIII (1992)

edit
(Referring to Sherri)
Brain: That's my pin-up girl!
Gorilla: I think you should see your occulist.
Brain: There's nothing wrong with my feet!
[Again referring to Sherri (and Shawn Michaels)]
Brain: She is in love with that man!
Gorilla: Yeah, but is the feeling mutual?
Brain: Pardon?
Gorilla: Is the feeling mutual?
Brain: Oh, what do you think, she's there, isn't she? He doesn't allow any bim.... uh woman to be there...
Gorilla: Bimbo? Did you say bimbo?
Brain: I didn't say that, I coughed. I said "Buimmmh".
[Tito Santana hits Shawn Michaels with his flying forearm finisher]
Gorilla: There it is, El Paso del Norte!
Brain: What did you say that move was, Extra Hot Pace Picante?
Gorilla: Will you stop!
Brain: I had a guy give up one time during instruction.
Brain: I'm Indiana's favorite Bobby. I could've gotten that high school team a win last night, not the guy they had running the ship.
Gorilla: You couldn't even carry Bobby Knight's towel.
Brain: Who?
Brain: I told you, Monsoon, I don't think you can hurt the Undertaker! You know, death never takes a holiday.
Gorilla: Why don't you stop?
Brain: These things just come to me. I feel like I got two brilliant minds.
Gorilla: Oh boy, I'm in trouble.
Gorilla: The strength coming from the urn, being held by Paul Bearer.
Brain: What is in that urn?
Gorilla: You're the guy that's supposed to find that out!
Brain: You're supposed to know.
Gorilla: You're a broadcast journalist.
Brain: Aren't you a broadcast journalist?
(Referring to locations receiving WMVIII)
Brain: 30 countries?
Gorilla: Yes indeed.
Brain: Spell 'em.
[When Roddy faced Bret for the IC title...after Piper showed some professional courtesy for Bret]
"You know that show of sportsmanship....the respect for each other, the enthusiasm they have....makes me sick!"
Gorilla: What would you do if you were the Hitman?
Brain: Well, I'd have my agent buy it for me.
Gorilla: Oh please!
Brain: And if that didn't work, I'd take him out back and waffle him with a tire iron.
Bobby: I remember when I was champion, Monsoon.
Gorilla: Champion of what?!
Bobby: The neighborhood.
Gorilla: *scoffs*
Bobby: Had the prettiest date on the whole block that month. Aw, you shoulda seen her.
Gorilla: The only gold you've ever had was in your teeth.
Bobby: No gold in my teeth. You think I'm Japanese?
[When Roddy hesitates to hit Bret Hart with the ring bell while the referee is down]
Gorilla: He's having second thoughts.
Bobby: Use it! Use it, waffle him with it! Remember that old saying: What the hell, use the bell!
Bobby: I have a special announcement: Shawn Michaels has left the building.
Gorilla: Who cares?!
Bobby: I'll do it again, if you wanna hear it.
Bobby: You know, if you want to be fair to Flair, you've gotta be fair and say that's heckuva robe. Only a man as fair as Flair, would show up at Wrestlemania....
Gorilla: WILL YOU STOP?!
Gorilla: (referring to a sign in the crowd) Natural Disasters Rule. How about that?
Bobby: If she'd been at home doing the dishes she wouldn't have time to make stupid cards like that. Bimbo.
Bobby: Did you say hello to Tatanka today?
Gorilla: Yes I did.
Bobby: Did you do it properly?
Gorilla: Yes.
Bobby: You said, "Heyhowareya! Heyhowareya!"
Gorilla: Will you STOP!

Summerslam (1992)

edit
Vince: What are you doing with that ridiculous-looking crown on?
Bobby: Well, you little stupid peasant, I happen to be Sir Bobby, the King of England.
Vince: Henry VIII would be rolling over in his grave, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, if he could see this! Nonetheless, the only thing royal about you is you're a royal pain; and speaking of a pain, in whose corner is Mr. Perfect really going to be in — the Ultimate Warrior's, or is going to be in the corner of the Macho Man?
Bobby: WOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bobby: I hate to say it, but the Bushwhackers are a lot prettier than some of the women I've seen here.
Vince: Would you please stop that?
Bobby: (on the foam fingers in the audience) I remember when I used to walk to the ring, McMahon, and people used to hold up one finger.
Vince: That was a different kind of salute.

Royal Rumble (1993)

edit
Bobby: Last time I saw Tugboat... Typhoon... Buffoon, whatever he is, run that fast is when they opened up a lunch line at the free buffet.
Bobby: Oh, who's coming out now?
Monsoon: Well, why don't you just wait a minute and find out?!?
Bobby: I'm sorry, I'm excited! So what? (the buzzer sounds) Is that you blowing your nose or is that the horn?
Bobby: Now remember this, when a man sticks his hand out to you, you shake it. Then kick him really hard when he's not looking.
Bobby: How long's he been in there now?
Monsoon: 46 minutes and counting!
Bobby: HOW COME YOU KNOW THIS STUFF AND NOT ME?
Bobby: Fatu is bye-bye!
Monsoon: Who eliminated him, Brain? There's so much going on!
Bobby: I think he threw himself out, I don't know.
Monsoon: Threw himself out? NOBODY WOULD DO THAT!
Bobby: Backlund's been in there so long, when he got in the ring his shoes were up to his knees!
Monsoon: WILL YOU STOP?
Bobby: (regarding Bob Backlund) This guy's like a spider monkey! He just latches onto things and you can't get him off!
Monsoon: It is deafening here in the arena as we are live at the Royal Rumble!
Bobby: I see your lips moving, but I can't hear you!
Monsoon: I'm sorry!
Bobby: You should be! If you can't do it right, take a hike!
Monsoon: I'm outta here.
Bobby: WAIT WAIT don't go yet, I've gotta ask you another question.
Bobby: (When Bob Backlund is facing off against Yokozuna) Yell for Pa, Opie!

King of the Ring (1993)

edit
Bobby: You know if Bret Hart went to bed in a hotel and he asks for a wakeup call at 1:23 in the morning. The guy will come in and say "It's 1 2 3." I bet he'll kick out of bed.
Bobby: (Lex Luger must put on an elbow pad to cover up the steel plate inside his forearm.) Okay, then when Tatanka comes to the ring, let's tie his shoes together so he can't dance. Let's handcuff him so he can't throw a chop. Let's make it fair, huh?
Savage: It's not the same thing and I'm not even going to argue. If you don't like it, that's your problem, Heenan.
Bobby: I'd like to ask you to leave, Savage.
Jim Ross: (DiBiase locks the Million Dollar Dream on Billy Gunn) Billy Gunn, fading into obscurity in this contest!
Bobby: I'll make him feel at home, (sings) Happy trails, to you...
Bobby: (DiBiase releases a hold on Billy Gunn) He probably couldn't stand the smell of those dirty jeans and cowboy boots...
Bobby: But Hulk Hogan lost it all, didn't he?
Savage: Yokozuna's the new champion!
Bobby: HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Bobby: Don't forget the camera flash hit Hogan right in the eye. And Hogan, if you're sitting on there in the back listening, remember, Hulk, we'll keep an eye out for you. HA HA HA HA!
Jim Ross: Oh, Bobby, that's sickening! It's not even funny.
Savage: I think Crush is the total package! You got size, you got strength you got quickness, this is unbelievable! Look at Shawn Michaels now, that's capital worry in Shawn Michaels' mind. He can't believe what he's just gotten himself into!
Bobby: Wrong, Macho Mouth! He may be strong, he may be big, he may be quick, but between those ears, it's just a busted up pineapple.
Jim Ross: Well, we'll be sure to mention that to him...
Bobby: Well, I didn't say that, I'm just relaying what I heard earlier.
Jim Ross: You want to take the easy way out in everything in your life?
Bobby: You gotta take the easy way out, this is life! Remember, a friend in need is a pest.
Bobby: Did the referee see it?
Savage: I saw it.
Bobby: YOU DON'T COUNT! DID THE REFEREE SEE IT? THEN IT DOESN'T COUNT!

Summerslam (1993)

edit
Bobby: (On 1-2-3 Kid's first PPV appearance) This is a first! This is a first! This is the first time that Kid's been out past eight o'clock!
Bobby: (To Vince McMahon) Wrong, wrong, wrong, tuxedo breath!

(1-2-3 Kid hits a single kick as his first move in the match and goes for the pin)

Vince: Cover him! It's over! He got him! (IRS kicks out) No he didn't.
Bobby: Whaddya mean it's over?!? It's not over!
Vince: Well, call it what you will, call it luck, call it ability, call it the fact that the 1-2-3 Kid will take high-risks like no one else ever in the WWF, whatever it is, you can call him victorious.
Bobby: You could call him stupid.
Bobby: Ouch! Hit him right on the bicuspid.
Vince: The what?
Bobby: The bicuspid.
Vince: What do you know about bicuspid?
Vince: You're asking and answering your own questions, you really are the Brain, aren't you?
Bobby: Well, I have to, when I'm with...
Vince: Yeah right, when you're with what?
Bobby: Uh, nothing.
Bobby: He hit him so hard he knocked three zits off his cheek!
Bobby: Cheating is only cheating when you get caught, and bragging isn't bragging when you can do it.
Bobby: Well, I think he shines more, uh, his ability to think for himself without relying on a partner, could be an advantage of, uh, of Mr. IRS, but I would have to say just by watching him and the way I've been watching him and the way you, in the ring right now, I'd have to say that... yeah, the Kid's in trouble.
Vince: Could you care to repeat that please?
Bobby: Well... no.
Vince: I see.
Vince: (On Irwin R. Schyster) He doesn't like to be called Irwin, he doesn't like to be called Schyster, what does he like to be called?
Bobby: R.
Heenan: "That's Bruce Hart right? Did he ever play a banjo in the movie Deliverance?"
Vince: (Jerry Lawler has Bret Hart up against the ringpost) We saw Doink earlier ram Bret's leg into the ringpost, now what's Lawler going to do? (Lawler crotches Bret against the post) Oh no!
Bobby: (High voice) Oh it's going to happen to Bret the hitman Hart.
Vince: Stop it Bobby Heenan!
Vince: Harvey Wippleman was instrumental in stealing that urn from the Undertaker.
Bobby: No no no, he "urned" it!
Vince: (Referring to The Undertaker) The man in black!
Bobby: Yeah, I bet Johnny Cash has a picture of him on his wall.
Bobby: (On Harvey Wippleman) Tell him, Harvey! You tell him Harvey!
Vince: Tell him what?
Bobby: Get on his case! Harvey'll knock you out in a minute, you know.
Vince: Yeah, sure...
Bobby: But that urn owned by Harvey Wippleman!
Vince: It's owned by The Undertaker, it's in the possession of Harvey Wippleman.
Bobby: Same thing!
Bobby: (On Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez) Take out the silver bullets, the wooden stake, and the garlic! Take him home, Giant!
Bobby: Harvey'll knock you out in a minute! (Harvey Wippleman charges and is instantly knocked out by Paul Bearer) He slipped, he lost his footing.
Bobby: (On Undertaker) He's back to the tomb! He's back to the crypt! He's back to his box of dirt! He's looking at the urn! He's got his power back! He's got Paul Bearer back! There's gonna be trouble for everyone in the World Wrestling Federation!

Survivor Series (1993)

edit
Bobby: You know why the Kid's not doing well? Look at the time! Its half an hour past his bed time!
Bobby: That's surviving, McMahon.
Vince: Pardon me, that's cheating.
Bobby: Well, cheating and surviving go hand in hand.
Bobby: Have you ever cheated somebody?
Vince: Of course not.
Bobby: You should try it! It's a ball!
Vince: Bobby Heenan...
Vince: Oh come on, ref...
Bobby: What, do you want to referee now too? You wanna be president of the World Wrestling Federation?
Bobby: A good big man will always beat a small little punk.
Vince: I don't know if I've ever heard it put quite that way, Bobby Heenan...
Vince: (Adam Bomb and Rick Martel are obviously cheating) Come on ref, open your eyes!
Bobby: Hey, he's doing a great job!
Vince: Is that you call teamwork, Bobby Heenan?
Bobby: Yes I do, what do you call teamwork? (disgusted) Fair tags? LIFE ISN'T FAIR, MCMAHON!!!
Vince: Razor Ramon might just be the WWF superstar of the year!
Bobby: Am I still in the running?
Vince: What heart this young man has!
Bobby: So kick him in the heart.
Bobby: (on Ray Combs) Are you sure that's not Wink Martindale?
Bobby: Ray, you know the movie Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? Stu and Helen are going to remake the movie. They're going to meet eye to eye over a bowl of prunes and call it Senile in Seattle.
Bobby: "Excuse me one minute. (yelling) Hey Stu (Hart), wake up! He fell asleep."
Vince: "He's gonna wake up. He's gonna come over here, Bobby."
Bobby: "That'll take two hours. We'll be off the air."
Bobby: (On Bruce Hart) His name is Bruce, right? What a stupid name. You have nine months, and you come up with "Bruce"?
Bobby: (On being told Keith Hart is a fireman) Keith is a fireman? He's more like the spotted dog that rides on the back of the truck!
Bobby: (On the hooded Blue Knight) This Blue Knight's really put together, huh? I know who he is!
Vince: Alright, who is he?
Bobby: Oh, I can't tell YOU.
Combs: Say Bobby, I think you should wear a mask like the Knights.
Bobby: I should?
Combs: Uh huh, as a public service.
Bobby: You know, the Hart family is known as the cowards of Canada.
Vince: What do you mean, the cowards of Canada?
Bobby: That's just what I hear from people.
Bobby: (On Stu Hart) I asked Stu earlier, I asked him, you gotta be proud of your boys. He said, "I have boys?"
Bobby: (Things break down in the ring and everyone starts fighting) Oh, it's just like dinner time at the Hart house.
Bobby: Now, wouldn't you classify 20 members of the Hart family living together as a ghetto?
Bobby: Stu just yelled over to Helen, "Helen, I'm damp". What do you suppose that means?
Vince: Bobby Heenan, you're a bad man. You owe the entire Hart family an apology, as well as our audience.
Bobby: (The Red Knight kicks the fireman Keith Hart away from behind) Oh! He kicked the fireman right in his backdraft!
Combs: (On Keith Hart) You know, that little man out there is man who goes out and risks his life every day.
Bobby: Eating dinner at the Hart house is risking your life every day!
Bobby: I hope the director doesn't show the Hart family anymore.
Vince: Why's that?
Bobby: The phone'll be ringing off the hook over at America's Most Wanted!
Combs: I think they oughta start a show for you family.
Bobby: Oh yeah? What would they call it?
Combs: America's Most Unwanted.
Bobby: You know, all the Hart daughters look like the mom. I mean, the same age, like they're going on 85, 87...
Vince: You are an unkind man, Bobby Heenan.
Bobby: Her face could hold an 8 day rain with all those wrinkles!
Bobby: (On Stu Hart's jacket, which has a picture of a bear on the back) Oh look! He's got a picture of Helen on the back of his jacket, isn't that nice...
Combs: (Bobby Heenan throws Shawn Michaels a bottle of water during a match) Now, you can't give him water Bobby!
Bobby: I think someone from behind me threw it.
Bobby: (When Bret and Owen are arguing in the ring) Boy, the Harts are nuts, and they're Canadian, they love to fight. There's ice-- ice under this parkay floor. Maybe they're at a hockey game.
Bobby: (about Mabel) Mabel with all that hair and makeup on. Are you sure that's not Oprah Winfrey?
Vince: Would you be serious Bobby Heenan?
Bobby: Oh that's right. She's dropped down to about 350.
Bobby: The Steiner Brothers from the University of Wisconsin.
Vince: Michigan.
Bobby: I think those jackets are upside down.
Vince: We still don't know who Shawn Michaels' Knights were-
Bobby: I do!
Vince: Sure, of course you do, but you're not telling.
Vince: Mabel is huge, Bobby Heenan!
Bobby: Well, if you wolfed down 65 turkeys, you'd put on a few pounds too.
Bobby: (Afa is chewing on... something.) Look at Afa! He's eating the carcass of a... wow, this is Jurassic Park, isn't it!
Bobby: What's that smell?
Vince: That's Bastion Booger, I believe.
Bobby: WOW! ... I thought it was just Boston.
Bobby: The ring is a mess. It's like the table when Bastion Booger eats!
Bobby: Mr. Fuji, my hat goes off to you... if I had a hat.
Bobby: (Jacques hits a piledriver on Scott Steiner and covers him) It won't work. It won't work. (Steiner kicks out)
Vince: Why wouldn't it work?
Bobby: Because he dropped him on his head! There's nothing in there!
Bobby: Ok, so now it's three on...
Vince: Two, it's three on two.
Bobby: Three on two is five.
Vince: (pause) That's right. You're the Brain, huh? You can add.
Bobby: Well, I thought I'd tell you, you know, help you out.
Vince: Well, we have now have confirmation that Randy Savage has AGAIN been ejected from the building...
Bobby: How does he keep getting in? Is he Batman? Is he hanging from the rafters? Does he swing in on a pole?
Bobby: (On Lex Luger fighting Yokozuna) This is like a Volkswagen fighting a Greyhound bus!
Bobby: You know, The Undertaker's gonna start a new basketball team. Yeah, it's for guys six feet and under.
Bobby: (Undertaker sits up after being slammed down by Yokozuna) HE'S NOT A HUMAN BEING!
Bobby: (Yokozuna slams Undertaker down harder) He can't get up from this, or I'm a weasel!
Bobby: (On Ludvig Borga) He'll beat you all day until he beats you, but he'll do it nonchalantly if he has to beat you 100 times.

World Championship Wrestling (1994-1999)

edit
(On WCW Saturday Night 4/16, Brain was talking about the up US Champ tournament matchup, he said something to the effect of:)
The big guy doesn't always win, the smart guy doesn't always win, but the big smart guy sometimes beats the small smart guy and sometimes the small quick guy beats the big slow guy and sometimes the quick dumb guy beats the slow smart guy...
Heenan: Listen to that high voice (referring to the female singer singing in a high pitch on Mr. Wonderful's entrance music). Do you know who that is? That's Gene Okerlund sitting on a block of ice.

Brian Pillman's wearing sunglasses and gets hit for repeatedly interfering in the match.

Heenan: Pillman's got glasses on! What a low life. Hes attacking a man wearing glasses!
Heenan: I know why Hogan came to the building early today. I think he works here. He parks cars for 49 cents.
Heenan: Hogan's been around long enough to claim he invented penicillin, but that don't mean he did.
Heenan: Sting's been coming from every direction; down the rafters, through the walls, up the sewers.
Heenan: Piper's obviously not been in a good mood. He's been sitting in Alcatraz probably eating cockroaches all week.
Heenan: I KNOW who the Assassin is!!!!
Schiavone: Tell us, Bobby, who?
Heenan: He's the guy down at ringside wearing the mask!
(At SuperBrawl V, during the Blacktop Bully & Dustin Rhodes matchup)
Schiavone: The Colonel is loaded, I mean he paid $75,000!
Brain: You being an authority on loaded!!!
It was last year (1994) on WCWSN, some time after the SuperBowl.
Brain: Tell ya what, Schiavone. Let's make a wager in the Superbowl for fifty bucks. I'll take the Cowboys and you take the Bills.
Schiavone: The Superbowl was two months ago.
Brain: Who won?
Schiavone: The Cowboys
Brain: You owe me fifty bucks.
(At Havoc 94 Flair walks by Bischoff and Brain was holding up 4 fingers. Hogan walks by after Flair has entered the cage.)
Bischoff: When Flair walked by he held up 4 fingers. That was the sign of the 4 Horsemen.
Brain: When Hogan walked by I held up one finger.
(Uncensored 1995)
Brain: This (back of the truck) has got to smell like Dustin Rhodes' living room.
(Uncensored 1995)
Brain: (as crowd chanted USA) It's a shame Tony that Tupelo, Mississippi isn't part of the U.S.A.
Schiavone: Well, Duggan is at a disadvantage in this type of match
Brain: He is at a disadvantage when he wakes up.
Schiavone: This is a great town.
Brain: They should tear it down and build a slum!
(Regarding Bull Nakano on Nitro)
"I think she's rather attractive... in kind of an oriental way."
(During a Nasty Boys match)
Schiavone: "A drop toehold by one of the Nasty Boys, believe it or not."
Heenan: "That was an accident, believe me."
(During World War III taped fist match between Big Bubba Rogers and Hacksaw Jim Duggan)
"What I would do is I would take the tape off of Duggan's fists and tie his hands behind him back. Then I would hit him so fast and so hard I'd knock his eyes straight. All three of them."
{Bash At The Beach 1996)
Tony: If Duggan wins this, he gets the ring. One of the most prized possessions in our sport.
Bobby: That'll make two rings.
Tony: Two rings who?
Bobby: He's got one around his tub.
{Bash At The Beach 1996)
Dusty Rhodes: Hulk Hogan is in the building!
Tony: You're damn right, he is!
Dusty: Go get 'em, Hulkster!
Bobby: Yeah, but whose side is he on?
Dusty: Go...what are you talkin' about?
Bobby: Whose side is he on?
Dusty: What are you talking about?
Tony: Yes sir!
Dusty: Get 'em Hogan! Go get 'em baby!
Tony: Come on and get some of this now!
Dusty: Who's bad now boys?
Tony: Hulk Hogan arrived, (Hogan drops the leg on Randy Savage) OH MY GOD!!!
Dusty: WHAT IS HE DOING?!! IS HE THE THIRD MAN?!!
Bobby: He's the third man!
Dusty: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!
Bobby: Hulk Hogan has betrayed WCW! He is the third man in this picture.
Tony: Oh my god!
Dusty: What the hell is going on?!
Tony: Oh my god!!
Dusty: Are you kidding me?!
Bobby: Probably the lowest shot ever given to professional wrestling. That man did right there, Hulk Hogan.
Tony: Let's get everybody out of the dressing room right now and kick his rear end!
Dusty: Unbelievable, brother. You've just sold your soul to the devil.
Bobby: What have I been saying all these years? Huh, what have I been saying all these years? You humanoids!
Dusty: (as Hogan drops a 3rd leg on Savage) A career of a lifetime right down the drain kid! I hope you love it. You just sold your soul to the devil.
Bobby: (as Hall counts the pin of Hogan on Savage) Can you see the little Hulksters with tears rolling down their faces right now?
Tony: We are not even going to acknowledge that three count.
Bobby: Now, what happens to us? What happens now to WCW?
Tony: There was no three count. I'd never thought I would say he's yellow, but he may be wearing red and yellow!
Bobby: What do we do now?
Dusty: I tell you what, this an unbelievable situation at the Bash at the Beach. Hulkamania, the third guy with the Outsiders, betrayed WCW.
Tony: Can't talk.
Bobby: Well, I told you so.
Dusty: Enjoy it my friend. You got to look yourself in the mirror. You got to stand up and look in the mirror.
Tony: (the crowd starts throwing trash at Hogan) There you go, that's right.
Bobby: I never thought I'd see people throwing debris at Hulk Hogan. I knew it should have been done a long time ago.
Tony: I guess this was premeditated all the way back from 94. I guess this is what it was.
Bobby: Look at the ring.
Tony: The most incredible scene...
Bobby: And Savage, his best friend, one of his best friends, Hogan turns on him.
[Monday Nitro 7/6/98]
Bobby: Look at Goldberg! He's ready! He's ready!
Tony: He's poised... [Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan] Hogan goes down!
Bobby: Okay, that's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off!
Tony: [Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer] He's calling for it!
Bobby: This is it! This is it! [Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer] Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up.
Tony: [Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex] He's got him up! [...and slams Hogan to the mat] Oh Hell Yeah!
Tony and Bobby: [counting with the referee] One...
Tony: [continues] ...two...THREE!!!
Bobby: OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! [pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and "Goldberg" chants] Wow.
Mike: 31-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world.
Tony: [off a shirt] "Who's next?"
Bobby: Who cares?
Tony: "Who cares" is right.
[On Nitro after Gorilla Monsoon died]
"You know the Pearly Gates in heaven? It's now gonna be called the Gorilla Position."

Misc.

edit
"I've never blithered in my life!"
Brain: The pipsqueek?
Monsoon: See! You called him a pipsqueek!
Brain: That was the guy behind me!
Monsoon: We should tell him?
Brain: Who the guy behind me?
Brain: Once you wrestle Rikki Atakki, an hour later you want to wrestle him again.
"A friend in need is a pest."
"You don't have to yell at me! I'm not blind!"
I have an old newspaper column written about Heenan when he was managing the Valients in the AWA during the 1970s. His final comment to the interviewer was:

"The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce."

"You know they say money can't buy happiness. Give me 50 bucks and watch me smile"
Brain: You know, I could make a lot of money with Typhoon.
Ross: How would you do that?
Brain: Well, I wouldn't have him wrestle. I'd take him to shopping centres and let kids ride him for a couple of bucks.
(Referring to a beating someone is taking)
"It could be worse McMahon. It could be me."
"I know all about cheating. I've had six very successful marriages."
"With Duggan, taking a shower is a high risk maneuver."
"There's only two kinds of music I don't like....Country and Western."
"Giving the Nasty Boys the Tag Team of the year award is like giving the Cindy Crawford beauty award to Roseanne Barr."
Tony: I think the fans are pretty much divided as to who their favorite is.
Brain: Yes. One half loves Flair, the other half hates Steamboat.
(After Cactus Jack crashes into ringside railing)
"You'd better get somebody down here. That rail could be damaged."


Brain: You know, if you kiss a woman's hand here in Nashville, it's the same as kissing their foot.
Schivone: Why do you say that?
Brain: Same size, same aroma.
Brain: You know what they call a woman with 2 million dollars?
Schivone: What?
Brain: Divorced.
"I'll tell ya. If I didn't have 11 girlfriends, Sherri'd be number one."
"The money's the same, whether you earn it or scam it."
"I don't know why he's (Ricky Steamboat) whining. He's got two of 'em (eyes).
(In Paris)
"Just like Glens Falls for Jim Duggan. They don't speak English there either."
"Do you know what 'Arriba' means. It means 'Swim faster, the border guards are behind us".
"I'm a legend in this sport. If you don't believe me, ask me."
(Referring to the Steiner Brothers)
"Three toughest years of their life...the eighth grade"
(To Jim Ross)
"Are there any swamps in Oklahoma? Yes, there is. It's called Tulsa."
Vince: All Typhoon has to do is sit up and tag his partner.
Heenan: You're asking a lot for Typhoon to do a sit-up.
(After a Headshrinker double face smash)
"I did that to my cousin once, now she won't talk to me"
(On the Nasty Boys being on the cover of WCW magazine)
"And when you line the birdcage with it, turn it upside down so you don't scare Tweety"
(On Junkyard Dog)
"His parents had nine months and the best they could come up with is Junkyard?!"
"See, what I would do right here now is throw him out and I'd piledrive him on the steps. That way you crack his head open and you break both shoulders at the same time. Good amateur move."
Savage: It's not over till it's over.
Heenan: You know who said that?
Savage: Who?
Heenan: Yogi the Bear.
(On Bret's sunglasses gift to fans at ringside)
Heenan: See, if the father is smart, he should tell her "I'll keep it for you'. Then, at Christmas, give it to her. She'll think it came from her dad. It works all the time.
Savage: Yeah, Christmas in your family must be real, real special.
Heenan: It is. You should see what they get me.
Jim Ross: Perfect's had some problems with his back.
Heenan: Yeah, It's yellow.
"He's (Martel) ahead on points. It's 138000 to 4, as far as I'm concerned."
(From Nitro)
Bischoff: (to McMichael) Did you ever play (football) while unconscious
Brain: His whole career!
Gorilla: (Bushwhackers schoolboy Lombardi & Horowitz) "That's Communication!"
Heenan: How could you communicate when you have the I.Q. of a doorknob?
Bobby: Meng has feet like Bob Lanier
Tony: Nobody has feet like Bob Lanier.
Bobby: Some girls here in Tupelo do.
"The prom queen last year was named Bubba"
(Uncensored 1995, As Dustin Rhodes staggers in the truck)
"I've seen Dusty walk like that"
(SIGN SHOWN IN FRANCE "YOKOZUNA DID A BIG MISTAKE")
"I guess the English teacher was off this week"
"What would you do with rope? Give it to Luke of the Bushwhackers for dental floss?
(At Survivor Series '92)
"Its the women in Cleveland, they all look like the Undertaker"
Brain: Duggan's an idiot.
Tony: Duggan's an idiot?!?
Brain: So, you agree with me.
(Here's one he said on WCWSN last year when a jobber was thrown outside the ring by Jean-Paul Levesque)
"Hey, when you hit the floor, keep it down. I'm talking."
(Talking about Family Feud Host Ray Combs) "Boy, he's a lot bigger than I thought. I thought he was around 4'8". He's got to be close to 4'9"."
"It'll take a good man to beat Tito Santana..it just won't take him very long"
(On an episode of Wrestling Challenge)
BH: Gorilla, what's with you naming all the body parts?
GM: I happen to have a knowledge about it. Why don't you try it?
(Heenan does. Skinner kicks a jobber in the stomach.)
BH: There's a kick to the uterus.

On Nitro when Benoit powerbombed Guererro: McMichaels: That'll change the color of your hair. Brain: That'll change the color of your shorts.

(Regarding Mr. Wonderful's new music)
"You know, this is the same music, ladies and gentlemen that they played at Schiavone's third wedding."
(Wrestlemania IX)
"Last year Luna won miss Ontario. Nobody usually wins that"
Savage: Is she (Luna) from Oklahoma?
Heenan: No, she's pretty.
"I'd love to be popular in Barcelona. That sounds like a fun job"
Savage: And where would Rick Steiner be?
Heenan: Probably on Page 3 of a comic book. He'll be there for a while.
"The last time I saw Typhoon move like that is when one of those humanoids opened a package of Little Debbie's snack cakes"
To Piper: "You'd have a good voice, if it ever came out of your throat"
(On how to tell Luke and Butch, in Doinkface, apart)
"Well, one has 3 teeth and the other has 4"
Ross: I used to wear bib overalls back in grade school.
Brain: Toughest 18 years of your life, huh?
(On Rick Steiner's headgear)
"Did he wear those to class?"
"I'd love to see a midget battle royale, throw your man over the bottom rope"
"Have you ever been to Glens Falls? The city limits signs are on the same post."
Brain: That kid has 8 bucks with him, that could buy 18 acres in Oklahoma.
Ross: Land isn't that cheap, but you can get a good deal down there.
Brain: I wouldn't want a good deal down there.
"If your last name was Finkel would you name your kid Howard?"
"Hulkamania is going to die here tonight in Texas. And what a horrible

place to be buried"

(Referring to Duggan)
"His grandmother was a taped fist champion. His father was an Irish Setter."
(One from the late 80's when Miss Elizabeth was around Randy Savage in the WWF. Elizabeth walks out to be interviewed by Mean Gene Okerland, who is already standing in position)
Moonson: Wow, look at that. Beautiful.
Heenan: I don't know, he's sort of going bald!
Heenan: Do you know how hard it is to go through 11 million dollars?
Tony: Can't say I do.
Heenan: OK! Let's try it like this. Do you know how hard it is to go through 9 dollars an a can of spam?"
(On Steiners Michigan letter-jacket)
"Did the University give those to them to label them morons???"
(On Pillman's career with the Bengals)
"They would have won, if they traded him."
(After Dave charged Bubba in the corner and got kicked in the mouth)
"Good, Dave! You hit him with your mouth on the bottom of his foot!"
(Regarding William "The Refrigerator" Perry, on Nitro)
"The last time I saw 'The Refrigerator' move like that was when Ditka handed him the ball... or they opened the buffet line!"
Schiavone: You know, over the history of this sport there have been a lot of managers who have taken their wrestlers for a ride. Isn't that right?
Heenan: OH, I've HEARD... I've heard of managers doing that, but I know from my experience as a manager I couldn't do enough for my wrestlers...
(After Schiavone gets done talking about the WCW-sponsored car in the Busch Grand Nationals)
Heenan: "What kind of horses do they have?"
(WCW Main Event 1/7. Heenan is talking on phone while Okerlund is talking about something. Okerlund turns to Heenan to get his opinion and Heenan says that he is trying to book a room at Caesar's for the upcoming Clash of the Champions. He continues talking into the phone)
Heenan: Yeah, and I'd also like three rollaways.
Okerlund: Three rollaways????
Heenan: (still talking into phone) Oh, and three for him, too.
Heenan: ... like my old friend Mike Ditka says.
Monsoon: Your unemployed friend Mike Ditka?
Heenan: He didn't want the job there anyways.
(After a near 3 count)
Heenan: "Bossman's mother could count faster than that."
(Again on the Bossman's mother)
Heenan: "Her goatee is thicker than his."
Monsoon: "My cab driver told be he could have gotten five times what he paid for his (Royal Rumble) ticket."
Heenan: "If I had a few of those, I'd be out front."
(Monday Night Raw, October 4th 1993, During the Battle Royal)
Vince: There are three Canadians left in the battle Royale, with the Quebecers and Rick Martel."
Heenan: And Adam Bomb's from Three-Mile Island. That's like Canada.
(WCW Saturday Night 1/20/96 - Heenan is commentating on an Anderson match)
Heenan: Have you ever been to Minnesota during the winter, Schiavone?
Schiavone: No, I haven't Bobby.
Heenan: Best two hours you'll ever spend.
Heenan: Do you know where (Col. Robert) Parker proposed to Sister Sherri?
Schiavone: No.
Heenan: On the front lawn of Graceland.
Schiavone: In Memphis, Tennessee?
Heenan: No, in Des Moines, Iowa, DUH... YES, in Memphis, Tennessee!
(During a Pillman/Benoit v. Armstrongs match on Worldwide the Brain had really cracked up Schiavone to the point where Schiavone missed a couple of moves because he was giggling)
Schiavone: "Folks, I apologize for laughing at this man... "
Heenan: "Why? Everybody laughs at Scott Armstrong!"
(Schiavone's talking about the Parker/Sherri wedding)
Schiavone: "Just you wait, six days from now, Colonel Parker's gonna be so upset, his hat isn't even gonna be white anymore."
Heenan: "Or nine months from now, when the triplets come ... one of each."
Schiavone: "Yeah, huh... (LONG pause) ... what?"
Heenan: "You've never been to the maternity ward in Bucksnort, have you?"
"There's nothing better than a good, blind referee."
(Talking about Koko B Ware)
"He gives up a little bit of height to Webster"
Alfred Hayes: "Thank you so much Bobby for that kind introduction."
Brain: "It was written down. I didn't come up with it."
(After Cobra gives away his dog tag to a fan)
"That's an authentic dog tag from that man. You can get maybe 6 or 7 bucks for it at the pawn shop."
Schiavone: "I wouldn't let you do my taxes, either."
Brain: "I don't do my own, either. I have my friend do mine."
Schiavone: "Oh really. Who's your friend?"
Brain: "Never mind. He won't be out for another 6 months."
(Regarding the Booty Babe)
"She should get arrested for impersonating a lampshade."
(At WMVIII, from Indiana, during the eight-man tag match. The fans are chanting "USA")
Brain: "You know why they're chanting 'USA'"
Gorilla: "Why, Brain?"
Brain: "Because there's a rumor that Indiana is a foreign country."
(Talking about Jerry Lawler as he enters the '93 Rumble)
Brain: "You know, Jerry Lawler is the host of WWF Superstars."
Gorilla: "I thought Vince McMahon was the host of Superstars."
Brain: "No, he gets him coffee, and shines his shoes."
(Royal Rumble 1992)
"The bad thing about the Bushwhackers is that win, lose, or draw, you gotta have everything you got on fumigated."
(At WMIX. Savage, Ross, and Heenan are talking about how Lex Luger has mysteriously knocked out every opponent he's faced with his forearm.)
Savage: "Muhammed Ali couldn't knock out every opponent!"
Brain: "Phhhhb! Now, you don't REALLY think that you could compare Muhammed Ali, to the NARCISSIST, could you? (laughs)"
(At Uncensored 1995, as Rhodes and Bully's truck passes a farmland)
Brain: "There's the downtown area of Tupelo. Did you see the skyscrapers? Two stories."
Ross: "I didn't see any tag there!"
Savage: "There wasn't one."
Brain: "You have sunglasses and a hat over your eyes."
Ross: "I don't have any sunglasses on, and I didn't see it."
Brain: "Yeah, but you're from Oklahoma."
Gorilla: "This place is going crazy! Look at the Hulkster pointing to all of his hulkamaniacs!
Heenan: "He's not pointing to anybody, he's showing off how high he can count!"
(Dustin Rhodes is standing on top of the turnbuckle pounding someone. Dustin starts punching, the crowd starts counting the punches)
Brain: "I've never been so surprised in my life."
Tony: "You're surprised that Dustin is dominating this match?"
Brain: "No, I'm surprised that the humanoids can count to 10... "

"When Virgil wins the Million Dollar Title at MSG" Gorilla: Congragulations to Virgil. The new Million Dollar Champion! Bobby: That belt will be in a pawn shop in the South Bronx in about a half hour!

(From Worldwide... During Kurasawa introduction, trying to explain the US/Japan cultural differences)
Heenan: You see, in America you kick to the base of the skull with the right foot, and to the lips with the left foot, but in Japan, you can do it with either foot, you can be ambidextrous.
Schiavon
(about Ray Combs, Survivor Series 1993)
Heenan: Are you sure that's not Wink Martindale?
[At his induction into the WWE Hall of Fame]
I wish Monsoon was here.
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