Bob Hearts Abishola

American sitcom television series

Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–2024) is an American television sitcom that aired on CBS. The series stars Billy Gardell and Folake Olowofoyeku as the respective title characters, with Christine Ebersole, Matt Jones, Maribeth Monroe, Shola Adewusi, Barry Shabaka Henley, Travis Wolfe Jr., Vernee Watson, Bayo Akinfemi, Anthony Okungbowa, and Gina Yashere in supporting roles.

Season 1


Pilot [1.01]

[First lines of the series]
Paramedic: We have a 50-year-old male, chest pains, labored breathing!
Douglas: Hang in there, brother. You're gonna be okay!
Dottie: Of course he's gonna be okay. It's just gas!
Bob: It's not gas, Mom! I'm having a heart attack!

[Bob and Abishola are on the bus.]
Bob: This is nice. I thought there'd be more weirdos.
Abishola: You are the weirdo.

Nigerians Don’t Do Useless Things [1.02]

Abishola: Thank you for walking me back.
Bob: Well, it is Detroit, and it's broad daylight so you can't be too careful.
Abishola: Okay, uh, thank you again. We can stop here.
Bob: Well, how come? What, you're embarrassed to be seen with a white guy?
Abishola: Yes. Goodbye.

A Bird May Love a Fish [1.03]

Bob: So, if I want to say "Hello" in her language...

Abishola: There is no love.

Square Hamburger, Round Buns [1.04]

Kemi: My son called. His wife is pregnant!
Abishola: Congratulations.
Kemi: That makes 5 grandchildren. My sister only has 2. I win again!
Abishola: Mmm Hmm.
Kemi: When we take our next family photo, she will be humiliated!

Whacking the Mole [1.05]

Abishola: I'm glad you liked it.

Ralph Lauren and Fish [1.06]

Dottie: Spun.
Christina: No, spoon.
Dottie: Spun.
Christina: Oh, God, what's happening?

Tough Like a Laundromat Washing Machine [1.07]

Abishola: I'm not going to do that.
Dottie: Oh, why?
Abishola: You don't pay me enough to commit murder.

Dottie: Where are we going?
Bob: It's a surprise.
Dottie: Are you putting me in a home?
Bob: Maybe. We'll see how this goes.
Douglas: Bye, Mom.
Christina: Love you.
Dottie: Where are we? What are we doing here?
Bob: Don't worry about it.
Dottie: If anyone can hear me, I'm being kidnapped!

Useless Potheads [1.08]

Christina: What are you doing?! Don't touch me!

Abishola: Now, on the count of 3, lift Christina up and put her in the wheelchair. 1, 2, 3. Now gently lower her in the wheelchair.
Christina: Ow!
Bob: We'll do better with Mom.

Dottie: I can't do it if you're looking at me, Christina!
Christina: I'm not looking!
Dottie: And I can smell the pot!

We Were Beggars, Now We Are Choosers [1.09]

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Congregation: Hallelujah!

Ice Cream for Breakfast [1.10]

Tunde: That's funny.

Dottie: Tunde!

Douglas: Okay.

Splitting the Hairs [1.11]

Bob: All right, I'll talk to her.

Kemi: Abishola was right.

There's My Nigerians [1.12]

Tunde: Close enough.

The Canadians of Africa [1.13]

Abishola: I don't understand. Do you like him or not?

Olu: Thank you for checking.

Full-Frontal Dottie [1.14]

Bob: Okeydoke, Pamir.

Kofo: Mr. Wheeler, no!

Black Ice [1.15]

Douglas: That took balls, Kofo, standing up to Goodwin like that.

Where's Your Other Wives, Tunde? [1.16]

Tunde: Yes, I never saw my breath before I came to America.

Tunde: I cannot say no to that face.

A Big, White Thumb [1.17]

Pastor: I hope we all get to meet Bob soon.

Gloria: Don't matter what she eats. The mean ones don't die.

Sock Wife! [1.18]

[first lines]
Kemi: Good morning.

Tunde: So... you paid no taxes last year?

Bob: Unbelievable!

Angry, Happy, Same Face [1.19]

Abishola: I, uh, I spoke with Bob.

Dottie: All right, sounds good.

Randy's a Wrangler [1.20]

Bob: He's a nice older gentleman. She met at the doctor's office.

Bob: I love you.
Abishola: Yes. I understand.

Season 2


On a Dead Guy's Bench [2.01]

Bob: You look beautiful today.
Abishola: Thank you, Bob.
Bob: It's weird how this bench has kind of become our bench.
Abishola: Actually the plaque on the back says it's in loving memory of Stanley Webber.

Paris is for Lovers, Not Mothers [2.02]

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Gloria: Yeah, I got to go with the Bride of Sock Man.

Operator: 911. What's your emergency?

Straight Outta Lagos [2.03]

Gloria: Yeah, that's good.

Gloria: Oh, my God. You are Melania.

Camp Bananas [2.04]

Christina: Mom put you there on a time-out, and suddenly you're Joe Six-Pack?

Dottie: What's wrong with you 2?
Douglas: You're breaking all the chips, Christina!

Sleeping Next to an Old Boat [2.05]

Tunde: Olu?

A Tight Ass is a Wonderful Thing [2.06]

Kofo: Medical, vision, probably some sort of matching pension contribution...

The Wrong Adebambo [2.07]

Bob: Hello, Abishola.

Bob: It's not a date!

Honest Yak Prices [2.08]

Douglas: Or... illegally.

Tunde the Boy King [2.09]

Dottie: Too bad.

Dottie: Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

The Cheerleader Leader [2.10]

Goodwin: Which means the teammate he was passing to was a little ahead of the backmost defender.

Kofo: The beauty of football is, everything has to go just right for success to be achieved.

I Did Not Raise Him to be a Teenager [2.11]

Tunde: Who is it?

Tunde: No, no.

We Don't Rat on Family [2.12]

Kemi: Her first wedding was perfect.

Gloria: Well, around here, you don't have to worry about what anyone else wants.

A Big African Bassoon [2.13]

Tunde: Yes, every day I wake up, I check my stocks over breakfast, then I visit my various real estate holdings, at least the ones in Michigan.

Abishola: Hello?
All: Hi!

A Tough Old Bird [2.14]

Abishola: Kemi, I'll give you 200 bucks to not fall!

Kemi: Thank you for catching me.

TLC: Tunde's Loving Care [2.15]

Dottie: What the hell happened to the Wi-Fi?
Bob: We got a situation out here.
Dottie: Oh, got one here, too. You just lost 600 bucks.
Bob: How?
Dottie: The game locked up.
Bob: You lost $600?
Dottie: I had a good hand!
Bob: You're why I drink, you know that?
Dottie: Well, right back at you!

Bob: Abishola? Whoa!
[Bob slips on water and falls to the ground.]

Sights and Bites [2.16]

Bob: Okay, buddy.

Abishola: Dele, it is Mommy.

The Devil's Taste Buds [2.17]

Bob: Wow, you ladies look wonderful.
Gloria: Thank you.

Bob: Uh, I don't like the lighting. Move over there.

God Accepts Venmo [2.18]

Abishola: Thank you, everyone, for getting together on short notice.

Ebunoluwa: I can hear perfectly fine. How old do you think I am?

Abishola: Since there is not much time. I thought I could buy my wedding dress here.

Season 3


Welcome to Lagos [3.01]

Abishola: Welcome to Lagos, Bob!

Bowango [3.02]

Dele: You'll never take me alive!

Christina: Other than the bride, of course.

Dud [3.03]

Dottie: I'll see you at dinner!

Bob: (singing) How, how, how. How, how, how!

Old Strokey [3.04]

Dottie: Bobby? Hello?

Dottie: Tunde, open the door!

Greasy Badge of Honor [3.05]

Abishola: Dele, tell me about school. How did you do on your algebra test?
Dele: I got an A+, same as my science quiz.
Abishola: And did you do your literature homework?
Dele: There was none. I did a book report anyway. My teacher was confused but gave me an "A."

The Devil's Throuple [3.06]

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...
Kemi: So this is what we do: Chukwuemeka and I get back together, and you have your happy son.

Goodwin: No.
Douglas: I'm out of ideas, Christina!

Fumble in the Dark [3.07]

Gloria: Whoa. You got her in all caps.

Gloria: Wait. Terrence from radiology?

Light Duty [3.08]

Olu: Yes.

I'm Not Edsel [3.09]

Ebunoluwa: Wonderful.

Tunde123 [3.10]

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Tunde: While we grow weaker, her strength only increases, like the temperature in our apartment.

Cats in a Bathtub [3.11]

Ogechi: You do not want trouble with me.

All: Hallelujah!

Your Beans are Flatlining [3.12]

Gloria: Abishola.
Bob: Abishola. Abishola.

One Man, No Baby [3.13]

Olu: Of course, Ebun.

Goodwin: Of course.

Douglas: Goodwin, we love you and all you've done for the business, but... we're Wheelers.

Every Subpoena is a Tiny Hug [3.14]

Christina: My resignation letter.

Tunde: It is fine!

Compress to Impress [3.15]

Olu: Oh, wonderful. How do you feel about nudity?

Marion: Dottie, I'm gonna have to stop you there.

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead [3.16]

Dottie: Rule number 1... never name the animals on the farm.

Tunde: For enough money, they will put your name on a pew.

Inappropriate Nakedness [3.17]

Abishola: Bob.

Bob: Get out.

Greasy Underdog [3.18]

Pastor: Be gone, servant of Satan!

Chukwuemeka: We are in your hands, Bob.

Who Raised You [3.19]

Bob: Hey, Mom.
Christina: There she is.

Douglas: Good instinct.

Wrangling a Greased Pig [3.20]

Ogechi: Kemi, oh, I have fallen.

Douglas: Dele!

A Little Slap and Tickle [3.21]

Ebunoluwa: After winning several high-profile murder cases, he can easily transition into politics.

Tunde: "Vote Dele Adebambo for President: The Nigerian Hammer."

Dottie: If he does go into politics, someone might dig up that my late husband and I were communists for a couple of days.

Beard In Her Pulpit [3.22]

Falade: God is among us.

Ogechi: Pastor, this Suya is from my kitchen.

Dottie: Well, then step right up.

Season 4


Touched by a Holy Hand [4.01]

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Falade: Come in.

Bibles to Brothels [4.02]

Dottie: Exactly.

Man: Bob.

Americans and Their Dreams [4.03]

Douglas: You know what?

Dottie: What's going on?

Inner Boss Bitch [4.04]

Man: Ms. Wheeler?

Jared: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Kicked Outta the Dele Club [4.05]

Gloria: Are you kidding me?

Dottie: All right, let's do your precious vote.

Two Rusty Tractors [4.06]

All: Aye.

Bob: Yeah. We're clear.

Your Father's Kingdom [4.07]

Bob: All right, now watch your step.

Both: Oh!

Estée Lauder and Goat Meat [4.08]

Bob: Okay, here's the one we're looking at.

Ebunoluwa: We will have to deep clean this filthy house.

Idle Nigerians [4.09]

Bob: All right, you want to play rough?

Others: Yeah!

An Afro and a Peugeot [4.10]

Tayo: (over phone) Bob.

Douglas: It is!

Twerk O' Clock [4.11]

Tunde: Hello. Uncle.

Morenike: Many of the queens will perform today.

Olu: Ooh, no.

My Successful Lawyer Son [4.12]

Both: Delivery day!

Chukwuemeka: I want you to know I have the best intentions with your mother.

Happy People are Lazy [4.13]

Abishola: I'm not taking a test today.
Bob: Oh, no, honey. It's today. I put it in my calendar. Abby MCAT make pancakes, keep mouth shut, keep Evan's mouth shut...

Put that Toe on Ice [4.14]

Alexa: Chapter 46: Acute Gastrointestinal Hemorrhage.

Dottie: Oh, no.

Every Character Is the Villain [4.15]

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Douglas: While we're divvying up Kofo's carcass, can I have his office?

Kofo: Hey.

Mmm, Fresh Baked Sock! [4.16]

Dottie: It's not that hard.

Kofo: Yes, and no part of the sock should be more bossy or egocentric than any other.

I'll Never Play Banjo Again [4.17]

Banjo Player: I'll never play banjo again.

Abishola: Are you okay, Douglas?

A Hundred CCs of Handsome [4.18]

Kemi: Mm-hmm.

Christina: Sounds great.

Keep That Under Your Gele [4.19]

Dele: They are pew hoppers.

Bob: Oh, look at this stud.

Dottie: So, what do we think...

The Genius Who Fell Out of my Womb [4.20]

Kemi: Uh-uh.

Gloria: You do realize those elite universities don't take everyone, right?

Take Two Yellows and Go to Bed [4.21]

Bob: It was an Uber.

Christina: And you.

Uncharted Waters of Mediocrity [4.22]

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Bob: First things first, I want to update you on our negotiations with Hanes.

Bob: There we go.

Gloria: Listen to me!

Season 5


The Dead Eyes of a Respectful Son [5.01]

Abishola: Bob, talk sense to him.

Bob: I'd rather not.

Kill the Cat [5.02]

Bob: Well, next time, kill the cat.
Abishola: Bob.

The Devil's Hot Tub [5.03]

Abishola: What are you talking about?!

Bob: All right, thanks for stopping by.

The Heart Attack Boys [5.04]

Abishola: If you look at the facts, I only have 1 child.

Bob: Have you spoken to your sister lately?

Tayo Time [5.05]

Bob: So, you want a baby.
Abishola: I did not say that.
Bob: So, you don't want a baby.
Abishola: I did not say that, either.

A Tablespoon of Dad [5.06]

Bob: I'm gonna go see how Abishola is doing.

Abishola: We'll get through this. Ty will spend some time with his son and then he'll be gone.

Worth the Cooties [5.07]

Abishola: I have never been to a garage sale before.

Bob: Good one, buddy. You are such a freaking nerd.

My Michelle Obama [5.08]

Bob: I can't believe you fell in love with someone who could fill this thing out.
Abishola: What if I was to love someone for who they are?

Sad Cupcakes [5.09]

Abishola: They're offering you millions.
Bob: But, at what cost?
Abishola: Millions!

Diamonds Are Made to Sparkle [5.10]

Bob: Cheers!
Abishola: Cheers!

These Giants are Flexible [5.11]

Bob: You really do what I do.

Abishola: Well, these giants are flexible, Bob.

Olu! I Popped! [5.12]

Abishola: I do like free foods.

Bob: Right. She would do that. I'm just excited that we can't get away with you in Sin City.

Find Your Bench [5.13]

Bob: It takes a special kind of person to sell a piece of clothing. Most people take for granted. The humble sock.

Kemi: So much has changed, but this bench is just how it's always been.

[Final lines of the series]




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