Bob Hearts Abishola

American sitcom television series

Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–present) is an American television sitcom that aired on CBS. The series stars Billy Gardell and Folake Olowofoyeku as the respective title characters, with Christine Ebersole, Matt Jones, Maribeth Monroe, Shola Adewusi, Barry Shabaka Henley, Travis Wolfe Jr., Vernee Watson, Bayo Akinfemi, Anthony Okungbowa, and Gina Yashere in supporting roles.

Season 1 edit

Pilot [1.01] edit

[First lines of the series]
Paramedic: We have a 50-year-old male, chest pains, labored breathing!
Douglas: Hang in there, brother. You're gonna be okay!
Dottie: Of course he's gonna be okay. It's just gas!
Bob: It's not gas, Mom! I'm having a heart attack!

[Bob and Abishola are on the bus.]
Bob: This is nice. I thought there'd be more weirdos.
Abishola: You are the weirdo.

Nigerians Don’t Do Useless Things [1.02] edit

Abishola: Thank you for walking me back.
Bob: Well, it is Detroit, and it's broad daylight so you can't be too careful.
Abishola: Okay, uh, thank you again. We can stop here.
Bob: Well, how come? What, you're embarrassed to be seen with a white guy?
Abishola: Yes. Goodbye.

A Bird May Love a Fish [1.03] edit

Bob: So, if I want to say "Hello" in her language...

Abishola: There is no love.

Square Hamburger, Round Buns [1.04] edit

Kemi: My son called. His wife is pregnant!
Abishola: Congratulations.
Kemi: That makes 5 grandchildren. My sister only has 2. I win again!
Abishola: Mmm Hmm.
Kemi: When we take our next family photo, she will be humiliated!

Whacking the Mole [1.05] edit

Abishola: I'm glad you liked it.

Ralph Lauren and Fish [1.06] edit

Dottie: Spun.
Christina: No, spoon.
Dottie: Spun.
Christina: Oh, God, what's happening?

Tough Like a Laundromat Washing Machine [1.07] edit

Abishola: I'm not going to do that.
Dottie: Oh, why?
Abishola: You don't pay me enough to commit murder.

Dottie: Where are we going?
Bob: It's a surprise.
Dottie: Are you putting me in a home?
Bob: Maybe. We'll see how this goes.
Douglas: Bye, Mom.
Christina: Love you.
Dottie: Where are we? What are we doing here?
Bob: Don't worry about it.
Dottie: If anyone can hear me, I'm being kidnapped!

Useless Potheads [1.08] edit

Christina: What are you doing?! Don't touch me!

Abishola: Now, on the count of 3, lift Christina up and put her in the wheelchair. 1, 2, 3. Now gently lower her in the wheelchair.
Christina: Ow!
Bob: We'll do better with Mom.

Dottie: I can't do it if you're looking at me, Christina!
Christina: I'm not looking!
Dottie: And I can smell the pot!

We Were Beggars, Now We Are Choosers [1.09] edit

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Congregation: Hallelujah!

Ice Cream for Breakfast [1.10] edit

Tunde: That's funny.

Dottie: Tunde!

Douglas: Okay.

Splitting the Hairs [1.11] edit

Bob: All right, I'll talk to her.

Kemi: Abishola was right.

There's My Nigerians [1.12] edit

Tunde: Close enough.

The Canadians of Africa [1.13] edit

Abishola: I don't understand. Do you like him or not?

Olu: Thank you for checking.

Full-Frontal Dottie [1.14] edit

Bob: Okeydoke, Pamir.

Kofo: Mr. Wheeler, no!

Black Ice [1.15] edit

Douglas: That took balls, Kofo, standing up to Goodwin like that.

Where's Your Other Wives, Tunde? [1.16] edit

Tunde: Yes, I never saw my breath before I came to America.

Tunde: I cannot say no to that face.

A Big, White Thumb [1.17] edit

Pastor: I hope we all get to meet Bob soon.

Gloria: Don't matter what she eats. The mean ones don't die.

Sock Wife! [1.18] edit

[first lines]
Kemi: Good morning.

Tunde: So... you paid no taxes last year?

Bob: Unbelievable!

Angry, Happy, Same Face [1.19] edit

Abishola: I, uh, I spoke with Bob.

Dottie: All right, sounds good.

Randy's a Wrangler [1.20] edit

Bob: He's a nice older gentleman. She met at the doctor's office.

Bob: I love you.
Abishola: Yes. I understand.

Season 2 edit

On a Dead Guy's Bench [2.01] edit

Bob: You look beautiful today.
Abishola: Thank you, Bob.
Bob: It's weird how this bench has kind of become our bench.
Abishola: Actually the plaque on the back says it's in loving memory of Stanley Webber.

Paris is for Lovers, Not Mothers [2.02] edit

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Gloria: Yeah, I got to go with the Bride of Sock Man.

Operator: 911. What's your emergency?

Straight Outta Lagos [2.03] edit

Gloria: Yeah, that's good.

Gloria: Oh, my God. You are Melania.

Camp Bananas [2.04] edit

Christina: Mom put you there on a time-out, and suddenly you're Joe Six-Pack?

Dottie: What's wrong with you 2?
Douglas: You're breaking all the chips, Christina!

Sleeping Next to an Old Boat [2.05] edit

Tunde: Olu?

A Tight Ass is a Wonderful Thing [2.06] edit

Kofo: Medical, vision, probably some sort of matching pension contribution...

The Wrong Adebambo [2.07] edit

Bob: Hello, Abishola.

Bob: It's not a date!

Honest Yak Prices [2.08] edit

Douglas: Or... illegally.

Tunde the Boy King [2.09] edit

Dottie: Too bad.

Dottie: Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

The Cheerleader Leader [2.10] edit

Goodwin: Which means the teammate he was passing to was a little ahead of the backmost defender.

Kofo: The beauty of football is, everything has to go just right for success to be achieved.

I Did Not Raise Him to be a Teenager [2.11] edit

Tunde: Who is it?

Tunde: No, no.

We Don't Rat on Family [2.12] edit

Kemi: Her first wedding was perfect.

Gloria: Well, around here, you don't have to worry about what anyone else wants.

A Big African Bassoon [2.13] edit

Tunde: Yes, every day I wake up, I check my stocks over breakfast, then I visit my various real estate holdings, at least the ones in Michigan.

Abishola: Hello?
All: Hi!

A Tough Old Bird [2.14] edit

Abishola: Kemi, I'll give you 200 bucks to not fall!

Kemi: Thank you for catching me.

TLC: Tunde's Loving Care [2.15] edit

Dottie: What the hell happened to the Wi-Fi?
Bob: We got a situation out here.
Dottie: Oh, got one here, too. You just lost 600 bucks.
Bob: How?
Dottie: The game locked up.
Bob: You lost $600?
Dottie: I had a good hand!
Bob: You're why I drink, you know that?
Dottie: Well, right back at you!

Bob: Abishola? Whoa!
[Bob slips on water and falls to the ground.]

Sights and Bites [2.16] edit

Bob: Okay, buddy.

Abishola: Dele, it is Mommy.

The Devil's Taste Buds [2.17] edit

Bob: Wow, you ladies look wonderful.
Gloria: Thank you.

Bob: Uh, I don't like the lighting. Move over there.

God Accepts Venmo [2.18] edit

Abishola: Thank you, everyone, for getting together on short notice.

Ebunoluwa: I can hear perfectly fine. How old do you think I am?

Abishola: Since there is not much time. I thought I could buy my wedding dress here.

Season 3 edit

Welcome to Lagos [3.01] edit

Abishola: Welcome to Lagos, Bob!

Bowango [3.02] edit

Dele: You'll never take me alive!

Christina: Other than the bride, of course.

Dud [3.03] edit

Dottie: I'll see you at dinner!

Bob: (singing) How, how, how. How, how, how!

Old Strokey [3.04] edit

Dottie: Bobby? Hello?

Dottie: Tunde, open the door!

Greasy Badge of Honor [3.05] edit

Abishola: Dele, tell me about school. How did you do on your algebra test?
Dele: I got an A+, same as my science quiz.
Abishola: And did you do your literature homework?
Dele: There was none. I did a book report anyway. My teacher was confused but gave me an "A."

The Devil's Throuple [3.06] edit

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...
Kemi: So this is what we do: Chukwuemeka and I get back together, and you have your happy son.

Goodwin: No.
Douglas: I'm out of ideas, Christina!

Fumble in the Dark [3.07] edit

Gloria: Whoa. You got her in all caps.

Gloria: Wait. Terrence from radiology?

Light Duty [3.08] edit

Olu: Yes.

I'm Not Edsel [3.09] edit

Ebunoluwa: Wonderful.

Tunde123 [3.10] edit

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Tunde: While we grow weaker, her strength only increases, like the temperature in our apartment.

Cats in a Bathtub [3.11] edit

Ogechi: You do not want trouble with me.

All: Hallelujah!

Your Beans are Flatlining [3.12] edit

Gloria: Abishola.
Bob: Abishola. Abishola.

One Man, No Baby [3.13] edit

Olu: Of course, Ebun.

Goodwin: Of course.

Douglas: Goodwin, we love you and all you've done for the business, but... we're Wheelers.

Every Subpoena is a Tiny Hug [3.14] edit

Christina: My resignation letter.

Tunde: It is fine!

Compress to Impress [3.15] edit

Olu: Oh, wonderful. How do you feel about nudity?

Marion: Dottie, I'm gonna have to stop you there.

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead [3.16] edit

Dottie: Rule number 1... never name the animals on the farm.

Tunde: For enough money, they will put your name on a pew.

Inappropriate Nakedness [3.17] edit

Abishola: Bob.

Bob: Get out.

Greasy Underdog [3.18] edit

Pastor: Be gone, servant of Satan!

Chukwuemeka: We are in your hands, Bob.

Who Raised You [3.19] edit

Bob: Hey, Mom.
Christina: There she is.

Douglas: Good instinct.

Wrangling a Greased Pig [3.20] edit

Ogechi: Kemi, oh, I have fallen.

Douglas: Dele!

A Little Slap and Tickle [3.21] edit

Ebunoluwa: After winning several high-profile murder cases, he can easily transition into politics.

Tunde: "Vote Dele Adebambo for President: The Nigerian Hammer."

Dottie: If he does go into politics, someone might dig up that my late husband and I were communists for a couple of days.

Beard In Her Pulpit [3.22] edit

Falade: God is among us.

Ogechi: Pastor, this Suya is from my kitchen.

Dottie: Well, then step right up.

Season 4 edit

Touched by a Holy Hand [4.01] edit

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Falade: Come in.

Bibles to Brothels [4.02] edit

Dottie: Exactly.

Man: Bob.

Americans and Their Dreams [4.03] edit

Douglas: You know what?

Dottie: What's going on?

Inner Boss Bitch [4.04] edit

Man: Ms. Wheeler?

Jared: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Kicked Outta the Dele Club [4.05] edit

Gloria: Are you kidding me?

Dottie: All right, let's do your precious vote.

Two Rusty Tractors [4.06] edit

All: Aye.

Bob: Yeah. We're clear.

Your Father's Kingdom [4.07] edit

Bob: All right, now watch your step.

Both: Oh!

Estée Lauder and Goat Meat [4.08] edit

Bob: Okay, here's the one we're looking at.

Ebunoluwa: We will have to deep clean this filthy house.

Idle Nigerians [4.09] edit

Bob: All right, you want to play rough?

Others: Yeah!

An Afro and a Peugeot [4.10] edit

Tayo: (over phone) Bob.

Douglas: It is!

Twerk O' Clock [4.11] edit

Tunde: Hello. Uncle.

Morenike: Many of the queens will perform today.

Olu: Ooh, no.

My Successful Lawyer Son [4.12] edit

Both: Delivery day!

Chukwuemeka: I want you to know I have the best intentions with your mother.

Happy People are Lazy [4.13] edit

Abishola: I'm not taking a test today.
Bob: Oh, no, honey. It's today. I put it in my calendar. Abby MCAT make pancakes, keep mouth shut, keep Evan's mouth shut...

Put that Toe on Ice [4.14] edit

Alexa: Chapter 46: Acute Gastrointestinal Hemorrhage.

Dottie: Oh, no.

Every Character Is the Villain [4.15] edit

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Douglas: While we're divvying up Kofo's carcass, can I have his office?

Kofo: Hey.

Mmm, Fresh Baked Sock! [4.16] edit

Dottie: It's not that hard.

Kofo: Yes, and no part of the sock should be more bossy or egocentric than any other.

I'll Never Play Banjo Again [4.17] edit

Banjo Player: I'll never play banjo again.

Abishola: Are you okay, Douglas?

A Hundred CCs of Handsome [4.18] edit

Kemi: Mm-hmm.

Christina: Sounds great.

Keep That Under Your Gele [4.19] edit

Dele: They are pew hoppers.

Bob: Oh, look at this stud.

Dottie: So, what do we think...

The Genius Who Fell Out of my Womb [4.20] edit

Kemi: Uh-uh.

Gloria: You do realize those elite universities don't take everyone, right?

Take Two Yellows and Go to Bed [4.21] edit

Bob: It was an Uber.

Christina: And you.

Uncharted Waters of Mediocrity [4.22] edit

Narrator: Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Bob: First things first, I want to update you on our negotiations with Hanes.

Bob: There we go.

Gloria: Listen to me!

Cast edit

External links edit

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