American comedian, musician, and actor
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Words, Words, Words (2010)Edit
- When I say "Hey!" you say "Ho!" Hey! [Audience: Ho!] Hey! [Ho!] That's basically how Hitler rose to power.
- Heckler: I'll have your babies!!
- Bo: ....I'm keeping them.
- I've always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.
- Let us pray...Oh, uh, please don't feel like you can't participate if you're not Christian, because this is a prayer for all faiths...
- Dear Jesus of Nazareth, first of all I would like to thank you for calling yourself Jesus of Nazareth, it's sorta like The Lord of the Rings or something; "I am Jesus of Nazareth, son of Orflac the Butcher!" We know, Lord, from John 3:16 that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us. Your only son...but at the same time we're all your children, so, in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls. So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism. Amen.
- Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.
- This next piece is called "Sonnet 155", or "If Shakespeare Had Written a Porn", and it goes like this:
- I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs
- As I removed my source of Grecian power;
- As if King Midas dared to touch the skies,
- Upon thy body fell a golden shower.
- Thy body's temples, two church bells had rung;
- Upon thy chest, a row of pearls bestowed;
- The sun had set, thy set with wary hung;
- I thought, "How black a night" and blew a load.
- I said, "What light through yonder beaver breaks?
- It is the yeast and now my belly's yellow;
- My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes,
- But 'tis not massive, I am no Othello.
- And when that final moment came to pass,
- Like Christ, I came a-riding on an ass.
- This next song is about how sad I am. It's about all the sad stuff; just picture a depressed onion cutting itself.
- "You shouldn't abstain from rape just cause you think that I want you to/ You shouldn't rape cause rape is a fucked up thing to do"
- "From the Perspective of God".
- "Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts! Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts! No ifs, ands, and/or butts, I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking! They'll need a serene night to green light a butt-fucking, but that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking! Boo to the nice girls, praise he to slut fucking!
I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed. I have not fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed! So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list; another dumb cum bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut fucking bucket list. (aside to the audience, "Yes! You hear the influences. Chaucer, Keats!)
Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond! They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones! Sluts can be perky or preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash! But some sluts are pretty and funny and smart...these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science or music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don't trust these sluts. Don't...don't you dare. They'll force you to trust them and love them and care! And then they'll be gone and you'll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there."
- "I Fuck Sluts".
- I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [...] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.
- Encyclopedic article on Bo Burnham at Wikipedia