There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. [searches books] "L-l-land. See snatch."
[monologue to the camera] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute...maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? [To the camera] Why am I asking you?
[Hailing a cab in Hollywood] Drive me off this picture!
[as Bart puts on his guns to fight Mongo] No. Don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad.
What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
It got so that every pissant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. Got pretty gritty. Started hearing the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was walking down the street when I heard someone shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I turned around to see who it was, and there I was, standing face-to-face...with a 6 year-old kid. I just put my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass!
[on testing for quicksand] Horses? We cain't afford t'lose no horses, you dummy! Send over a couple'a niggers.
[while being harassed by musical film director] Piss on you! Ah'm werkin' fer Mel Brooks!!
[upon seeing a gate come down from a constructed wooden toll booth] Le Petomane Thruway?! Now what'll that asshole think of next? Does anybody got a dime? Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!
Lili von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted? [sound of zipper opening] Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!
[response omitted from final cut]
Bart: I hate to disappoint you, ma'am, but you're suckin' on my arm!
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?
Bart: Yes we are.
Jim: Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled.
Bart: [Jim grabs a liquor bottle] Maybe you should have something to eat first.
Jim: Oh, no thanks. Food makes me sick [Takes a long drink]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to die!
Jim: [Eagerly] When?
Bart: What's your name?
Jim: My name's Jim, but most people call me...Jim.
Bart: Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what are your pleasures? What do you like to do?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess...screw.
Bart: Well let's play chess.
[Bart walks in the saloon, dressed as a Telegram serviceman delivering what appears to be a candy box. Mongo continues to crush the struggling men behind him with a piano.]
Bart: Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo.
Mongo: I'm Mongo.
Bart: [hands him a card, while the men faint] Sign here!
[Mongo signs the card, unintentionally shredding the paper. Bart gives him a box.]
Bart:[gives Mongo a box] Thank you.
[The Warner Bros. theme plays while Bart walks away and plugging his ears.]
Mongo: Mongo likes candy.
[Opens up a box and it explodes in his face.]
Jim: [taunting Klansmen] Oh boys! Lookie what I have here!
[pulls Bart out from behind a rock]
Bart: Hey, where da white women at?
[The Klansmen chase Jim and Bart behind the rock and are quickly knocked out.]
Taggart: I got it, I got it!
Hedley Lamarr: You do? What?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em!
Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6?" I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whompin' and whoopin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the womenfolks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on!
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!
Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.
[one of the townspeople refuses to budge and reminds the pastor that he's not going to let some rustlers chase him and the others out of town.]
Taggart: Well, holy mother of pearl! It's that nigger that went and hit me over the head with a shovel! Now, just what do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?!
Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge!
Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out...
[People cringe back and a woman faints, he pulls out a letter, people sigh, almost sounding disappointed]
Bart: By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane.
[People start cocking guns and pointing them at Bart]
Bart: I hereby assume the duties of sheriff in and for the township of Rock Ridge.
Reverend: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not let anger rule the day! [waving Bible] As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to saaaayyy!
[A hole is shot through the Bible; the Reverend turns to Bart]
Reverend: Son, you're on your own...
[The people are about to shoot Bart at his opening speech until he takes himself hostage]
Bart: [in a gruff voice, hauling himself by the collar and pressing the muzzle of his gun against his own neck] Hold it! The next man that makes a move, the nigger gets it.
Dr. Johnson: Hold it men, he's not bluffing! [all but Howard Johnson drop their guns]
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Listen to him, men; he's just crazy enough to do it!
Bart: [still gruffly, to Howard] Drop it, or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head ALL OVER THIS TOWN! [minstrel voice] Oh, Lawdy-Lawd, he's desp'at! Do what he say, do what he saaaayyyy... [Howard slowly drops the gun]
[Bart slowly moving towards the sheriff's office, still holding himself hostage]
Harriet Johnson: Isn't anyone going to help that poor man?
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!
Bart: [minstrel voice] Oh, Oh he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! Somebody He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! [gruffly] Shut up! [covers his own mouth, pushes himself into the office] Oh, baby, you are so talented--and they are so dumb!
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Hedley Lamarr: Ditto?! Ditto, you provincial putz?!
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives...
Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
Hedley Lamarr: Shit-kicker...
Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gun slinger in the West. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists! [Laughs hysterically and sinisterly]
Taggart: [finally finding a pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: [Groan!]
Lyle: [Taunting the mainly-black railworkers] When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on! How about a good old nigger work song?
[Enraged, the workers move to attack him, but are stopped by Bart. He promptly proceeds to sing.]
Bart: [Crooning, Sammy Davis, Jr.-style, with fellow railworkers providing backing vocals] I get no kick from champagne... Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...[the bullying supervisors look immensely confused and insulted] so why then should it be true?... that I get a belt - outta you... Some get a kick from coca-yeai-yeaiiiinnnneee...
Lyle: Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit?! I meant a song! A real song! Something like [singing] "Swing low, sweet chariot"...
[The railworkers mumble to each other in mock confusion]
Lyle: Don't know that one, huh. Well how about "De Camptown Ladies"?
Bart: De Camptown Ladies?
Railworkers: De Camptown Ladies?
Lyle: Oh, you know! "De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!"
[The white supervisors begin joining in, complete with ludicrous dancing actions, much to the amusement of the railworkers. Suddenly, Taggart rides in aboard a galloping horse, shooting wildly into the air, interrupting the song, and scattering the white supervisors aside.]
Taggart: What in the Wide World of Sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get some track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!
Buddy Bizarre: CUT!!!!! What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set.
Taggart:[Runs up to Buddy] Piss on you! I'm workin for Mel Brooks! [Prepares to punch Buddy]
Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face.
[Taggart complies and punches Buddy in the stomach instead]
Buddy Bizarre: Thank you.
[Bart dresses himself as a carnival barker and stands by a wishing well]
Bart: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and...Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy [They're in the middle of a desert on the Western Frontier!], leaving millions and millions of Spanish dubloons at the bottom of the sea!
Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons? Mongo take chance!
Taggart: We'll head them off at the pass!!
Hedley Lamarr: "Head them off at the pass!?!" I hate that cliché!! [Shoots Taggart in the foot while Lyle runs off, not wanting to anger his boss.]
Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alky. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.
[Jim preps himself by licking his finger and blowing it, while Lyle, Taggart and the men aim their guns at Bart]
Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One. Two. Three.
[Jim draws his gun fast and fires at all of the men's guns. The railroad workers cheer and congratulate Jim as the men clutch their hands in pain]
Bart: Well don't just stand there lookin' stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about an applause for the Waco Kid.
[Taggart, Lyle and their men painfully applauds Jim.]
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications.
Rapist: Rape, murder, arson and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Rapist: I like rape.
Taggart: [Chuckles] He'll do.
Hedley Lamarr: Charming. Sign right here.
[The rapist signs his name]
Hedley Lamarr: Very good. Badge. Next. Qualifications?
Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute. What have you got in your mouth?
Gum-chewing outlaw: [Stops chewing] Noth-um!
Hedley Lamarr: "Noth-um", eh? Lyle.
Lyle: [Pulls gum out of outlaw's mouth] Gum!
Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum in line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody!
Gum-chewing outlaw: ...I didn't know there was going to be so many! [Lamarr shoots him dead]
[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]
Harriet Johnson:[quietly] To the honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor...
Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!
Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking.
[clears her throat]
Harriet Johnson: WE THE WHITE, GOD-FEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE
[The townspeople jumps in shock.]
Harriet Johnson: ...wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!
[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: ...Through the Vatican.
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky. Sign here.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered? Innocent women and children blown to bits? We've got to protect our phoney-baloney jobs, gentleman! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately, immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!" [Other staff 'harrumph' as well] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!
Hedley Lamarr: Give the governor "harrumph"!
Staff member: Harrumph!
Governor William J. Le Petomane: You watch your ass.
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that, Governor.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, sir, play with this.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Oh, thank you, Hedey.