Black Mirror

Black Mirror (2011–2019) is a British science fiction anthology television series created by Charlie Brooker. It centres on dark and satirical themes that examine modern society, particularly with regard to the unanticipated consequences of new technologies. Episodes are standalone works, usually set in an alternative present or the near future.

Series 1

The National Anthem [1.01]

Alex Cairns: Meanwhile, the demand has been made, and there's not long to formulate our response.

Michael: Well, I'm not fucking a pig. Page one, that's not happening.

Alex Cairns: Of course.

Tom Blice: Don't run it, Martin.

Martin: I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Tom Blice: You know how much help you're getting from here on in? Multiply nothing by shit all. UKN is dead to us. Shove it up your ass, you fuck...

Michael: I won't have to do anything.

Jane: Everyone's laughing at us.

Michael: You don't know that.

Jane: I know people. We love humiliation. We can't not laugh.

Michael: Nothing is going to happen.

Jane: It's already happening in their heads. In their heads, that's what you're doing. What my husband is doing.

Fifteen Million Merits [1.02]

Bing Madsen: [to Abi] You've got a phenomenal voice. It was the most beautiful song. You think I'm being cheesy? All right, I am being cheesy. But it was beautiful, so, you know reality's cheesy sometimes. Not often, admittedly, but now.

Abi: You heard me singing in a toilet. Is that real?

Bing: More than anything that's happened all year.

Abi: I can't take that kind of clockage off someone. It's 12 mils, no way.

Bing: Let me do this. I...I look around here, I just...I just want something real to happen. Just once.

Judge Hope: Well? Come on. Got our attention, as requested. What do you want to say? Have you prepared a speech, is that it? Speak!

Bing: I haven't got a speech. I didn't plan words. I didn't even try to. I just knew I had to get here, to stand here, and I knew I wanted you to listen. To really listen, not just pull a face like you're listening, like you do the rest of the time. A face like you're feeling instead of processing. You pull a face, and poke it towards the stage, and we lah-di-dah, we sing and dance and tumble around. And all you see up here, it's not people, you don't see people up here, it's all fodder. And the faker the fodder is, the more you love it, because fake fodder's the only thing that works any more. Fake fodder, it's all that we can stomach. Actually, not quite all. Real pain, real viciousness, that we can take. Yeah, stick a fat man up a pole, we laugh ourselves feral, because we've earned the right, we've done cell time and he's slacking, the scum, so ha-ha-ha at him! Because we're so out of our minds with desperation, we don't know any better. All we know is fake fodder and buying shit. That's how we speak to each other, how we express ourselves is buying shit. What, "I have a dream"? The peak of our dreams is a new app for our Dopple! That doesn't exist! It's not even there! We buy shit that's not even there! Show us something real and free and beautiful. You couldn't. Yeah? It'd break us. We're too numb for it. I might as well choke. It's only so much wonder we can bear. That's why when you find any wonder whatsoever, you dole it out in meagre portions. And only then, until it's augmented, and packaged, and pumped through 10,000 preassigned filters till it's nothing more than a meaningless series of lights, while we ride day in, day out, going where?! Powering what?! All tiny cells and tiny screens and bigger cells and bigger screens and fuck you! Fuck you, that's what it boils down to! It's fuck you! Fuck you for sitting there and slowly making things worse! Fuck you and your spotlight and your sanctimonious faces! Fuck you all for thinking the one thing I ever came close to never meant anything! For oozing around it and crushing it into a bone, into a joke, one more ugly joke in a kingdom of millions! Fuck you for happening! Fuck you for me, for us, for everyone! Fuck you!

Judge Hope: I know you've got me down as this creature. You know, hey, I get where you're coming from. I like your stuff.

Bing: It's not stuff. It's truth.

Judge Hope: Am I right? Your truth, admittedly, but truth nonetheless.

Bing: You know the only thing stopping me from slashing myself open right now? I might not die right away. And before I went, they'd find a way to charge my twitching half-dead cadaver 20,000 merits for swabbing the walls clean.

The Entire History of You [1.03]

Ffion: Serial monogamist.

Jonas: I'm a serial monogamist. I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

Ffion: I downplayed it. I fudged it, it was...

Liam: You lied.

Ffion: Not everything that isn't true is a lie.

Liam: You know when you suspect something, it's always better when it turns out to be true. It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm just finally getting my tongue in there and I'm digging out all the rotten shit.

Series 2

Be Right Back [2.01]

Martha: I mean, it's totally batshit crazy I can even talk to you.

Ash Program: I mean, I don't even have a mouth.

Martha: That's... that's just...

Ash Program: Just what?

Martha: That's just the sort of thing that he would say.

Ash Program: Well, that's why I said it.

Martha: And I shouldn't have drunk last night. Next time, could you try and stop me?

Ash-2: Stop you drinking?

Martha: Yeah.

Ash-2: So I get to enjoy being a bit of a bastard?

Martha: Don't call me your administrator.

Ash-2: Why not?

Martha: Because...

Ash-2: It sounds sort of sexy.

Martha: See, he would have worked out what was going on. This wouldn't ever have happened, but if it had, he would have worked it out.

Ash-2: Sorry, hang on. that's a very difficult sentence to process.

Martha: Jump.

Ash-2: What? Over there? I never expressed suicidal thoughts, or self-harm.

Martha: Yeah, well, you aren't you, are you?

Ash-2: That's another difficult one, to be honest with you.

Martha: You're just a few ripples of you. There's no history to you. You're just a performance of stuff that he performed without thinking, and it's not enough.

White Bear [2.02]

Victoria: So this--this thing on the TV, the...

Jem: The signal.

Victoria: That's what's doing it? That's what's making them act like this?

Jem: I guess they were always like that underneath. Just needed the rules to change, for no-one to intervene.

Jem: You nearly killed us back there.

Baxter: Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting you to be there, was I? I've just saved your lives. A wee "thank you" would be nice. I should've just run yous over.

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Jamie: You're not going to win, though.

Gwendolyn: Of course not.

Jamie: So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway".

Gwendolyn: It doesn't work like that.

Jamie: Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.

Jack: The video was a hit for a reason.

Jamie: The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate.

Jack: It doesn't matter.

Jamie: Or funny, which is almost worse.

Jack: Look we--we don't need politicians, we've all got iPhones and computers, right? So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. Let the people vote--thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. That's a democracy. That's a--that's an actual democracy.

Jamie: So's YouTube, and I don't know if you've seen it, but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.

Carter: In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. He's the perfect assassin.

Jamie: We won't win, though.

Carter: You guys are so British. No, of course he won't win.

Monroe: You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon.

Jamie: [as Waldo] Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?

Monroe: I'm, I'm, I'm speaking about James Salter. Hm? Don't worry about it. That's your name, isn't it? James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan commercial. I notice you keep that pretty quiet. And now, of course, operating this sort of teddy bear thing. Which, by the way, is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. See, this is, this is the thing: it's easy, what he does. He mocks. And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears. I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. Prove me wrong. Hm? Speak, Waldo.

Jamie: [as Waldo, with genuine venom] You're a joke. You look less human than I do, and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock!

[Audience laughs and claps]

Jamie: [as Waldo] What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. No one takes you seriously! That's why no one votes!

Monroe: The vast majority do vote--

Jamie: [as Waldo] It's bullshit.

Monroe: Surely this is enough?

Jamie: [as Waldo] You think you deserve respect.

Monroe: Just common courtesy--

Jamie: [as Waldo] Because you went to public school and grew up believing you were entitled to everything!

[Audience claps]

Monroe: Ad hominem nonsense.

Host: Perhaps we could get back--? Gwendolyn Harris, um--

Jamie: [as Waldo] Something's got to change. No one trusts you lot, cos they know you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble! What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher? You knew him for twenty years, did you not know what he was like?!

Monroe: [more taken aback] No, of course not.

Jamie: [as Waldo] Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him! Sly and pretending, and in that way, you're all the same!

[Audience claps and cheers]

Host: Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time?

Gwendolyn: Well... of course, I think no--

Jamie: [as Waldo] Oh, shut up, you're worse! Seriously! She's faker than him!

Gwendolyn: For once, I find myself agreeing with Liam Monroe in that this really doesn't get us anywhere, and there's no point in us continuing If we can't have anything resembling a debate...

Jamie: [as Waldo, talking over her] Are you going to win? Why are you here? Tell them why you're here. Tell them why you're here! Tell them why you're here! She's here to build a showreel! I'm not kidding, that's literally it! Knows she's not going to win! This is all experience, to get herself on telly! She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than he does, because he'll actually have to represent you, am I wrong?! A career politician! Someone else less real than me, and I can do this!

[He takes his head off and juggles it, making the audience laugh and clap]

Finch: Can I just make a couple of points--?

Jamie: [as Waldo] Oh, shut up! You pebble! What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe, and the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you! What are you for?! What are you for?! Thank you and goodnight!

[He flips everyone off and makes Waldo vanish in a puff of smoke. The audience cheers]

Jamie: Attention, shoppers. I'm here to ask you an important favor. Gather round. Come over here and listen. Don't vote for me, I'm an insult. Seriously. Vote for Monroe or Harris, or, I dunno, UKIP or even that Lib Dem guy. Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me! I'm worse than a wasted vote! I mean it, you idiots, don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! DON'T VOTE FOR ME! DON'T VOTE FO--

[Jamie is temporarily silenced by Jack. Harris' campaign aide throws food at the truck, and the crowd starts to boo]

Harris Campaign Aide: [towards crowd] Shut up!

Jamie: No, don't boo him! He's right, he's right.

Jack: What are you doing?!

Jamie: Resigning.

[Jamie leaves the truck and walks out into the surrounding crowd]

Jamie: Look, it's me, I'm Waldo! This guy, whoever this guy is, [gestures towards Harris' campaign aide] he's a hero! You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news!

Woman in Crowd: He's funny!

Jamie: He's not.

Jack: [as Waldo] Don't listen to that man! He's a lesbian! Ahh!

[the crowd breaks out in laughter while Jamie stands bewildered]

Jack: So, remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff like new catchphrases and a new hat n' that. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me! So, question the status quo! Kick 'em where it hurts and--

Jamie: [attempting to destroy the monitors on the truck with a nearby sign] Kill it!

Jack: The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! Yeah, that's right, knock him down! Knock him down! Smash it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[several members of the crowd start to assail Jamie until he is beaten unconscious]

Special

White Christmas

Note: This episode is 74 min. in length.

Matt: I know we didn't have decorations last year, but, uh, couldn't find them last year. We were only supposed to have stored essentials here. I think it's adorable someone thinks tinsel is... essential.

Matt: Look, come on, there is a little bit of a conversational drought happening here. My ears need water.

Potter: Not big on conversation.

Matt: Practice makes perfect.

Potter: Maybe I'll bore you.

Matt: Buddy, look. At this point, being bored by anything other than snow would be a relief.

Matt: People want to be noticed. They don't like to be shut out. It makes them feel invisible. But... this girl. This girl seemed content with being ignored.

Potter: Maybe she could smell a loser.

Matt: No. No, she was an outsider. An attractive outsider. There's nothing more tantalizing than that.

Matt: People just want to be heard. That's why 90% of seduction is just listening.

Matt: You're a locked box. I mean, that's a good thing. Most people are too easy to read, especially if you know minds.

Potter: Using party tricks to pick up girls isn't knowing minds.

Matt: The picking up girls thing was a hobby. My job was completely different. You'll never guess what that was.

Potter: Marketing person?

Matt: No.

Potter: Door-to-door salesman?

Matt: Please.

Potter: Proctologist?

Matt: You're never going to get it.

Potter: I'm not going to try.

Matt: It wasn't really 70 minutes, not to him. When he was first ingested, I tweaked the time preferences, made it seem like five years from his perspective. Some might say that five years with me is punishment enough.

Matt: Listen, it's easier if you just comply.

Series 3

Nosedive [3.01]

Ryan: There's sugary and then there's fucking diabetes!

Susan: It turned out a lot of my friends didn't care for honesty. Treated me like I had taken a shit at their breakfast table. But Jesus Christ, it felt good.

[While realizing that without their eye implants, they can both speak without fear of being rated]

Lacie': The fuck are you looking at?

Man in Jail: Just what I was wondering.

Lacie: Well... don't!

Man in Jail: Don't? Don't wonder?

Lacie: Uh-huh!

Man in Jail: It'd be a dull world without wondering.

Lacie: I don't give a shit about your world!

Man in Jail: I don't like your brassiere.

Lacie: I don't like your moustache.

Man in Jail: I don't like your aura.

Lacie: My aura?

Man in Jail: Yeah.

Lacie: I don't like your... head. Your entire head is just ridiculous to me.

Man in Jail: Really?

Lacie: You look like an alcoholic former weatherman.

Man in Jail: You sound like a lost little lamb that just got told there's no Santa Claus!

Lacie: What sort of cartoon character did your mom have to fuck to brew you up in the womb?

Man in Jail: At least I look like I was born, not shit out by some... tormented cow creature in an underground lab!

Lacie: You got tossed out of that lab.

Man in Jail: Oh yeah?

Lacie: Oh yeah, flushed out!

Man in Jail: Ooooh!

Lacie: [starting to laugh] In the trash! Your face is a fucking...

Man in Jail: "Fucking"...?

Lacie: A fucking... biological car crash that'd make Picasso screw up his eyes and say, "Well, that just don't make sense!"

Man in Jail: [laughing] You're a fucking asshole!

Lacie: Fuck you!

Man in Jail: Fuck you next Wednesday!

Lacie: Fuck you for Christmas!

Both: Fuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuu!

Playtest [3.02]

Cooper: You are a top bird. I don't know what that means, but I heard someone say it once and you're it.

Shou Saito: I’ve always liked to make the player jump. Frightened. You get scared, you jump. Afterwards, you feel good. Why?

Cooper: Uh um because of the adrenaline rush?

Shou Saito: Yes. But mostly because you are still alive. You have faced your greatest fears in a safe environment. It is a release of fear. It liberates you.

Shut Up and Dance [3.03]

Kenny: [in a broken voice] I only looked at pictures, and--

Hector: And beat one off on camera? That's what they got, yeah? Your hot little face, blurred fist, dick burping fucking spunk everywhere? Your mom's gonna love that on Facebook, Twitter, Insta-fucking-whatever. And her friends. All eyes on you. Givin' it that... [makes masturbation gesture] Toss in the cunts at work calling you Spurty McGoo, laughing at your cum-face, making it their desktop wallpaper. It's not just weeks, we're talking years here - when pictures hang about on Google like a Gypsy fucking curse. There's no cure for the Internet, it would never go away. It would be glued to your name, a fucking stain on you! I'd hang myself if that was me. Crack my fucking neck at the first opportunity.

[Kenny meets a man in the forest to fight to the death, as instructed, under threat of his secret being leaked to the public. A video drone hovers above them, recording the scene]

Man in Forest: My life's over if this gets out. Fucking over. What'd they get you for?

Kenny: [whimpering] I just looked at some photos! That's all, I looked at one or two photos.

Man in Forest: Yeah, you know, I just looked at pictures, too.

[Kenny starts shaking his head frantically]

Man in Forest: How young were they, in the pictures? How young?

[Kenny doesn't respond]

Man in Forest: Yeah? Well, me too.

[Kenny, bruised and bloodied, is walking down a trail at night, when he receives a phone call from his mother]

Kenny's Mother: [distraught] What did you do, Kenny?! They're saying it was kids! That you've been looking at kids! And Lindsay saw it! There's a video of you, and all of her friends have got it! Kids, Kenny! Tell me that's not true!

[The call ends, and the anonymous messengers have sent Kenny a Trollface; meanwhile, law enforcement has just pulled up to his position]

San Junipero [3.04]

Yorkie: Oh, sorry. I'm... I said I'm not much of a dancer.

Kelly: No shit. Like a frightened horse on a frozen lake back there.

Kelly: Want to go to bed with me? We could be back at mine like... [snaps fingers]

Yorkie: I never did anything like that.

Kelly: All the more reason.

Yorkie: I guess you deflowered me.

Kelly: I "deflowered" you? What is this, merry England?

Yorkie: You married me.

Kelly: To help you pass over. As a kindness.

Yorkie: It's not so kind to leave.

Kelly: Forty-nine years. I was with him for 49 years. You can't begin to imagine. You can't know. The bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it. The fucking love. You just cannot know. Everything we sacrificed. The years I gave him, the years he gave me. Did you think to ask? Did it occur to you to ask? We had a daughter. Allison. Always difficult, always beautiful. Died at 39 years old, bless her heart, and Richard and I felt that heartbreak as one. You think you're the only person ever suffered, go fuck yourself.

Men Against Fire [3.05]

Raiman: His aim's so bad he's the only guy on earth who can shit his own pants and miss.

Arquette: Humans. You know, we give ourselves a bad rep, but we're genuinely empathetic as a species. I mean, we don't actually really want to kill each other. Which is a good thing... until your future depends on wiping out the enemy.

Hated in the Nation [3.06]

Blue: I mean, out here in the field--

Karin: What fucking field?

Blue: Well, you know what I mean. Out here in the... the real world, you can genuinely prevent stuff, can't you?

Karin: You are young.

Blue: Maybe you're old.

Karin: The heat in a marriage, that's in 3D, that's... had work put into it. That's sincere. Yeah, I'm divorced.

Shaun: Government's not going to pump billions into it just cause some lab coat says so and it grabs 200 green votes. They saw an opportunity to get more, they took it.

Blue: Total nationwide surveillance.

Shaun: We tracked suspects for weeks in ways they couldn't dream of. We prevented bombings, mass shootings--

Blue: By spying on the public.

Shaun: And keeping them safe, which is what they want!

Blue: Clara Meades isn't safe, though, is she, Shaun? Knowing what you knew, that might've helped us, but no, you kept your little fucking secret.

Karin: Okay, the government's a cunt. We knew that already.

Tess Wallander: It was like having a whole weather system turn against me. Just hate message after hate message, around the clock, all piling on. It's hard to describe what that does to your head. Suddenly there's a million invisible people, all talking about how they despise you. It's like a mental illness.

Shaun: Lunatic with production values. That's the worst kind.

Series 4

USS Callister [4.01]

Daly: What is Space Fleet? I'll tell you what it is. It is a belief system founded on the very best of human nature. It is a goal for us to strive towards for the betterment of the universe, for the betterment of life itself. And you assholes are fucking it up!

Valdack: [injured] We've fought many battles, haven't we, Captain?

Daly: We have.

Valdack: And I've been a good adversary for you, have I not? Then please... end it. Please.

Daly: Killing in cold blood is against Space Fleet code.

Cole: Okay. Stealing my pussy is a red fucking line!

Cole: Why won't you fight back?

Walton: Tommy.

Cole: Who is Tommy?

Walton: He's my son. He's six years old, at least he was when I woke up in here. See, in the early days of this ship, it was just me and Daly. I was his pet project. He tried everything to break me, and I withstood it all 'cause I just thought there was still a chance I could get out and see my boy again. In a way, I was right, I did get to see him again. Just not the real him. Daly told me what happened. Back on the outside, the real me, uh brought Tommy to work one day, showed him around. He would've loved seeing all those computers. He's really into that stuff. Anyway, evidently Tommy had a lollipop that day. That's all Daly needed. He copied him in here. It was Tommy all right. He was alike in every way. You know what he did to him? He took Tommy and he threw him out of the airlock. Right out into space. And he made me watch. Have you ever seen an unsuited body compress in space? They freeze and crack like a porcelain doll. I take my hat off to Daly. The detail in this place is exceptional. And he said he'd do it again and again, 'cause Daly's still got Tommy's DNA. He's got all of our DNA. He keeps it in his bedroom in a fucking mini fridge by his desk. So I have to stay in line, because even if we die in here, he can bring us back. He can bring Tommy back whenever he wants. And God knows how he'd take it out on him. God knows what he'd do. So, you see, what choice do I have?

Walton: Hey, Robert.

Daly: God, so help me, you are going to regret all of this so hard!

Walton: Bob, I wanna talk to you here! I was thinking I should say sorry.

Daly: Go on.

Walton: You created Infinity. You're a fucking genius. I exploited that. I treated you like a golden goose and I got fat on the profits, figuratively speaking. And I was thinking I should have appreciated you more, you know? I should have treated you better. Yeah, yeah, I was thinking I should say all that. But you threw my son out of an airlock, so fuck you to death!

Daly: [repeatedly] Exit fucking game!

Cole: Oh, man, are we glad to hear from-

Gamer691: Yeah, Merry Christmas. So are we gonna blow each other or are we gonna trade?

Cole: Oh Hmm.

Gamer691: Hello? Do you have anything to trade at all?

Nanette: No, uh -

Gamer691: [sighs] So why did you respond? OK, just get the hell out of my quadrant or I'll blast you to shit. You've got ten seconds. Ten...

Cole: Oh, well, do try. We'll photon-bolt you up the perineum, you stupid little boy.

Gamer691: Scary... Nine...

ArkAngel [4.02]

Crocodile [4.03]

Hang the DJ [4.04]

Metalhead [4.05]

Black Museum [4.06]

Series 4

Striking Vipers

Smithereens

[Upon learning that his hostage, Jaden Tommins, is merely an intern at Smithereen]

Chris Gillhaney: Modern fucking companies! Everyone looks so fucking young! How is anybody looking in supposed to have a sense of the... fucking hierarchy?! Jesus Christ! Half of you cunts coming out of that building are dressed like fucking gap year students! I mean, what...?! Fuck! Children! The whole Smithereen building is a box full of fucking children getting their fingers everywhere! [makes beeps and mimics wiping a phone] Wiping your shit, your fucking app shit up on everybody's phone! Everywhere you look, people are hooked on the things! It's like... it's like chain-smoking! Did you make a lot of cash out of that, did you?! And you lot are hooked on them as well! Every single person that comes out of that building's going... [mimics using phone again] People don't even look up anymore! The sky could turn fucking purple and you cunts wouldn't notice for a month! You didn't look up, and look where that got you! Sitting in the back like that!

Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too

Ashley: Why is that thing talking like that? All real?

Ashley Too: They broke the limiter, so I'm you. Your whole brain, I'm all of you.

Rachel: I can't believe there's two of you!

Ashley: That thing isn't all of me. I'm all of me.

Ashley Too: Really? Senior high, I had, like, a major crush on Ryan Simmons, but he was just not interested, so I made out with his little brother Stevie, even though his braces scratched my teeth, and-- Oh, actually, Stevie was the first guy I ever--

Ashley: You have to shut up.

External links

Wikipedia

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Black Mirror

Black Mirror quotes at the Internet Movie Database
Black Mirror at TV.com
Black Mirror at Netflix‎