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Black Mirror

British TV series

Series 1Edit

The National Anthem [1.01]Edit

Alex Cairns: Meanwhile, the demand has been made, and there's not long to formulate our response.
Michael: Well, I'm not fucking a pig. Page one, that's not happening.
Alex Cairns: Of course.

Tom Blice: Don't run it, Martin.
Martin: I'm sorry, I can't help you.
Tom Blice: You know how much help you're getting from here on in? Multiply nothing by shit all. UKN is dead to us. Shove it up your ass, you fuck...

Michael: I won't have to do anything.
Jane: Everyone's laughing at us.
Michael: You don't know that.
Jane: I know people. We love humiliation. We can't not laugh.
Michael: Nothing is going to happen.
Jane: It's already happening in their heads. In their heads, that's what you're doing. What my husband is doing.

Fifteen Million Merits [1.02]Edit

Bing: [to Abi] You've got a phenomenal voice. It was the most beautiful song. You think I'm being cheesy? All right, I am being cheesy. But it was beautiful, so, you know reality's cheesy sometimes. Not often, admittedly, but now.

Abi: You heard me singing in a toilet. Is that real?
Bing: More than anything that's happened all year.
Abi: I can't take that kind of clockage off someone. It's 12 mils, no way.
Bing: Let me do this. I...I look around here, I just...I just want something real to happen. Just once.

Judge Hope: Well? Come on. Got our attention, as requested. What do you want to say? Have you prepared a speech, is that it? Speak!
Bing Madsen: I haven't got a speech. I didn't plan words. I didn't even try to, I just knew I had to get here, to stand here, and I wanted you to listen. To really listen, not just pull a face like you're listening, like you do the rest of the time. A face that you're feeling instead of processing. You pull a face, and poke it towards the stage, and we lah-di-dah, we sing and dance and tumble around. And all you see up here, it's not people, you don't see people up here, it's all fodder. And the faker the fodder, the more you love it, because fake fodder's the only thing that works any more. It's all that we can stomach. Actually, not quite all. Real pain, real viciousness, that, we can take. Yeah, stick a fat man up a pole. We laugh ourselves feral, because we've earned the right, we've done cell time and he's slacking, the scum, so ha-ha-ha at him! Because we're so out of our minds with desperation, we don't know any better. All we know is fake fodder and buying shit. That's how we speak to each other, how we express ourselves, is buying shit. What, I have a dream? The peak of our dreams is a new app for our Dopple, it doesn't exist! It's not even there! We buy shit that's not even there. Show us something real and free and beautiful. You couldn't. Yeah? It'd break us. We're too numb for it. I might as well choke. It's only so much wonder we can bear. When you find any wonder whatsoever, you dole it out in meagre portions. Only then until it's augmented, packaged, and pumped through 10,000 preassigned filters till it's nothing more than a meaningless series of lights, while we ride day in day out, going where? Powering what? All tiny cells and tiny screens and bigger cells and bigger screens and fuck you! Fuck you, that's what it boils down to. Fuck you for sitting there and slowly making things worse. Fuck you and your spotlight and your sanctimonious faces. Fuck you all for thinking the one thing I came close to never meant anything. For oozing around it and crushing it into a bone, into a joke. One more ugly joke in a kingdom of millions. Fuck you for happening. Fuck you for me, for us, for everyone. Fuck you!

Judge Hope: I know you've got me down as this creature. You know, hey, I get where you're coming from. I like your stuff.
Bing: It's not stuff. It's truth.
Judge Hope: Am I right? Your truth, admittedly, but truth nonetheless.

Bing: You know the only thing stopping me from slashing myself open right now? I might not die right away. And before I went, they'd find a way to charge my twitching half-dead cadaver 20,000 merits for swabbing the walls clean.

The Entire History of You [1.03]Edit

Ffion: Serial monogamist.
Jonas: I'm a serial monogamist. I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

Ffion: I downplayed it. I fudged it, it was...
Liam: You lied.
Ffion: Not everything that isn't true is a lie.

Liam: You know when you suspect something, it's always better when it turns out to be true. It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm just finally getting my tongue in there and I'm digging out all the rotten shit.

Series 2Edit

Be Right Back [2.01]Edit

Martha: I mean, it's totally batshit crazy I can even talk to you.
Ash Program: I mean, I don't even have a mouth.
Martha: That's... that's just...
Ash Program: Just what?
Martha: That's just the sort of thing that he would say.
Ash Program: Well, that's why I said it.

Martha: And I shouldn't have drunk last night. Next time, could you try and stop me?
Ash-2: Stop you drinking?
Martha: Yeah.
Ash-2: So I get to enjoy being a bit of a bastard?

Martha: Don't call me your administrator.
Ash-2: Why not?
Martha: Because...
Ash-2: It sounds sort of sexy.

Martha: See, he would have worked out what was going on. This wouldn't ever have happened, but if it had, he would have worked it out.
Ash-2: Sorry, hang on. that's a very difficult sentence to process.

Martha: Jump.
Ash-2: What? Over there? I never expressed suicidal thoughts, or self-harm.
Martha: Yeah, well, you aren't you, are you?
Ash-2: That's another difficult one, to be honest with you.
Martha: You're just a few ripples of you. There's no history to you. You're just a performance of stuff that he performed without thinking, and it's not enough.

White Bear [2.02]Edit

Victoria: So this--this thing on the TV, the...
Jem: The signal.
Victoria: That's what's doing it? That's what's making them act like this?
Jem: I guess they were always like that underneath. Just needed the rules to change, for no-one to intervene.

Jem: You nearly killed us back there.
Baxter: Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting you to be there, was I? I've just saved your lives. A wee "thank you" would be nice. I should've just run yous over.

The Waldo Moment [2.03]Edit

Jamie: You're not going to win, though.
Gwendolyn: Of course not.
Jamie: So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway".
Gwendolyn: It doesn't work like that.
Jamie: Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.

Jack: The video was a hit for a reason.
Jamie: The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate.
Jack: It doesn't matter.
Jamie: Or funny, which is almost worse.

Jack: Look we--we don't need politicians, we've all got iPhones and computers, right? So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. Let the people vote--thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. That's a democracy. That's a--that's an actual democracy.
Jamie: So's YouTube, and I don't know if you've seen it, but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.

Carter: In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. He's the perfect assassin.
Jamie: We won't win, though.
Carter: You guys are so British. No, of course he won't win.

Liam Monroe: You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon.
Jamie Salter: [as Waldo] Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
Liam Monroe: I'm, I'm, I'm speaking about James Salter. Hm? Don't worry about it. That's your name, isn't it? James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan commercial. I notice you keep that pretty quiet. And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing. Which by the way is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. See, this is, this is the thing: it's easy, what he does. He mocks. And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears. I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. Prove me wrong. Hm? Speak, Waldo.

Jamie Salter: Attention, shoppers. I'm here to ask you an important favor. Gather round. Come over here and listen. Don't vote for me, I'm an insult. Seriously. Vote for Monroe or Harris, or, I dunno, UKIP or even that Lib Dem guy. Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me! I'm worse than a wasted vote! I mean it, you idiots, don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! DON'T VOTE FOR ME! DON'T VOTE FO--
[Jamie is temporarily silenced by Jack. Harris' campaign aide throws food at the truck, and the crowd starts to boo]
Harris Campaign Aide: [towards crowd] Shut up!
Jamie: No, don't boo him! He's right, he's right.
Jack: What are you doing?!
Jamie: Resigning.
[Jamie leaves the truck and walks out into the surrounding crowd]
Jamie: Look, it's me, I'm Waldo! This guy, whoever this guy is, [gestures towards Harris' campaign aide] he's a hero! You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news!
Woman in Crowd: He's funny!
Jamie: He's not.
Jack: [as Waldo] Don't listen to that man! He's a lesbian! Ahh!
[the crowd breaks out in laughter while Jamie stands bewildered]
Jack: So, remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff like new catchphrases and a new hat n' that. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me! So, question the status quo! Kick 'em where it hurts and--
Jamie: [attempting to destroy the monitors on the truck with a nearby sign] Kill it!
Jack: The first man to hit him gets five-hundred quid! Yeah, that's right, knock him down! Knock him down! Smash it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[several members of the crowd start to assail Jamie until he is beaten unconscious]

SpecialEdit

White ChristmasEdit

Note: This episode is 74 min. in length.

Matt: I know we didn't have decorations last year, but, uh, couldn't find them last year. We were only supposed to have stored essentials here. I think it's adorable someone thinks tinsel is... essential.

Matt: Look, come on, there is a little bit of a conversational drought happening here. My ears need water.
Potter: Not big on conversation.
Matt: Practice makes perfect.
Potter: Maybe I'll bore you.
Matt: Buddy, look. At this point, being bored by anything other than snow would be a relief.

Matt: People want to be noticed. They don't like to be shut out. It makes them feel invisible. But... this girl. This girl seemed content with being ignored.
Potter: Maybe she could smell a loser.
Matt: No. No, she was an outsider. An attractive outsider. There's nothing more tantalizing than that.

Matt: People just want to be heard. That's why 90% of seduction is just listening.

Matt: You're a locked box. I mean, that's a good thing. Most people are too easy to read, especially if you know minds.
Potter: Using party tricks to pick up girls isn't knowing minds.
Matt: The picking up girls thing was a hobby. My job was completely different. You'll never guess what that was.
Potter: Marketing person?
Matt: No.
Potter: Door-to-door salesman?
Matt: Please.
Potter: Proctologist?
Matt: You're never going to get it.
Potter: I'm not going to try.

Matt: It wasn't really 70 minutes, not to him. When he was first ingested, I tweaked the time preferences, made it seem like five years from his perspective. Some might say that five years with me is punishment enough.

Matt: Listen, it's easier if you just comply.

Series 3Edit

Nosedive [3.01]Edit

Ryan: There's sugary and then there's fucking diabetes!

Susan: It turned out a lot of my friends didn't care for honesty. Treated me like I had taken a shit at their breakfast table. But Jesus Christ, it felt good.

Lacie: I don't like your... head. Your entire head is ridiculous to me.
Man in Jail: Really?
Lacie: You look like an alcoholic former weatherman.
Man in Jail: You sound like a lost little lamb who just got told there's no Santa Claus.
Lacie: What sort of cartoon character did your mom have to fuck to brew you up in the womb?
Man in Jail: At least I look like I was born, not shit out by some tormented cow creature in an underground lab.

Lacie: Your face is a fucking...
Man in Jail: Fucking.
Lacie: A fucking... biological car crash that'd make Picasso screw up his eyes and say, "Well, that just don't make sense."
Man in Jail: [laughing] You're a fucking asshole!
Lacie: Fuck you!
Man in Jail: Fuck you next Wednesday!
Lacie: Fuck you for Christmas!
Both: Fuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuu!

Playtest [3.02]Edit

Cooper: You are a top bird. I don't know what that means, but I heard someone say it once and you're it.

Shut Up and Dance [3.03]Edit

Hector: Pictures hang about on Google like a Gypsy fucking curse. There's no cure for the Internet, you would never go away.

[Kenny meets a man in the forest to fight to the death, as instructed, under threat of his secret being leaked to the public. A video drone hovers above them, recording the scene]
Man in Forest: My life's over if this gets out. Fucking over. What'd they get you for?
Kenny: [whimpering] I just looked at some photos! That's all, I looked at one or two photos.
Man in Forest: Yeah, you know, I just looked at pictures, too.
[Kenny starts shaking his head frantically]
Man in Forest: How young were they, in the pictures? How young?
[Kenny doesn't respond]
Man in Forest: Yeah? Well, me, too.

[Kenny, bruised and bloodied, is walking down a trail at night, when he receives a phone call from his mother]
Kenny's Mother: [distraught] What did you do, Kenny?! They're saying it was kids! That's you've been looking at kids! And Lindsay saw it! There's a video of you, and all of her friends have got it! Kids, Kenny! Tell me that's not true!
[The call ends, and the anonymous messengers have sent Kenny a Trollface; meanwhile, law enforcement has just pulled up to his position]

San Junipero [3.04]Edit

Yorkie: Oh, sorry. I'm... I said I'm not much of a dancer.
Kelly: No shit. Like a frightened horse on a frozen lake back there.

Kelly: Want to go to bed with me? We could be back at mine like... [snaps fingers]
Yorkie: I never did anything like that.
Kelly: All the more reason.

Yorkie: I guess you deflowered me.
Kelly: I "deflowered" you? What is this, merry England?

Yorkie: You married me.
Kelly: To help you pass over. As a kindness.
Yorkie: It's not so kind to leave.

Kelly: Forty-nine years. I was with him for 49 years. You can't begin to imagine. You can't know. The bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it. The fucking love. You just cannot know. Everything we sacrificed. The years I gave him, the years he gave me. Did you think to ask? Did it occur to you to ask? We had a daughter. Allison. Always difficult, always beautiful. Died at 39 years old, bless her heart, and Richard and I felt that heartbreak as one. You think you're the only person ever suffered, go fuck yourself.

Men Against Fire [3.05]Edit

Raiman: His aim's so bad he's the only guy on earth who can shit his own pants and miss.

Arquette: Humans. You know, we give ourselves a bad rep, but we're genuinely empathetic as a species. I mean, we don't actually really want to kill each other. Which is a good thing... until your future depends on wiping out the enemy.

Hated in the Nation [3.06]Edit

Blue: I mean, out here in the field...
Karin: What fucking field?
Blue: Well, you know what I mean. Out here in the--the real world, you can genuinely prevent stuff, can't you?
Karin: You are young.
Blue: Maybe you're old.

Karin: The heat in a marriage, that's in 3D, that's... had work put into it. That's sincere. Yeah, I'm divorced.

Karin: Okay, the government's a cunt. We knew that already.

Shaun: Lunatic with production values. That's the worst kind.

Series 4Edit

USS Callister [4.01]Edit

Daly: What is Space Fleet? I'll tell you what it is. It is a belief system founded on the very best of human nature. It is a goal for us to strive towards for the betterment of the universe, for the betterment of life itself. And you assholes are fucking it up!

Valdack: [injured] We've fought many battles, haven't we, Captain?
Daly: We have.
Valdack: And I've been a good adversary for you, have I not? Then please... end it. Please.
Daly: Killing in cold blood is against Space Fleet code.

Cole: Stealing my pussy is a red fucking line!

Cole: Why won't you fight back?
Walton: Tommy.
Cole: Who is Tommy?
Walton: He's my son. He's six years old, at least he was when I woke up in here. See, in the early days of this ship, it was just me and Daly. I was his pet project. He tried everything to break me, and I withstood it all 'cause I just thought there was still a chance I could get out and see my boy again. In a way, I was right, I did get to see him again. Just not the real him. Daly told me what happened. Back on the outside, the real me, uh brought Tommy to work one day, showed him around. He would've loved seeing all those computers. He's really into that stuff. Anyway, evidently Tommy had a lollipop that day. That's all Daly needed. He copied him in here. It was Tommy all right. He was alike in every way. You know what he did to him? He took Tommy and he threw him out of the airlock. Right out into space. And he made me watch. Have you ever seen an unsuited body compress in space? They freeze and crack like a porcelain doll. I take my hat off to Daly. The detail in this place is exceptional. And he said he'd do it again and again, 'cause Daly's still got Tommy's DNA. He's got all of our DNA. He keeps it in his bedroom in a fucking mini fridge by his desk. So I have to stay in line, because even if we die in here, he can bring us back. He can bring Tommy back whenever he wants. And God knows how he'd take it out on him. God knows what he'd do. So, you see, what choice do I have?

Walton: Hey, Robert.
Daly: God, so help me, you are going to regret all of this so hard!
Walton: Bob, I wanna talk to you here! I was thinking I should say sorry.
Daly: Go on.
Walton: You created Infinity. You're a fucking genius. I exploited that. I treated you like a golden goose and I got fat on the profits, figuratively speaking. And I was thinking I should have appreciated you more, you know? I should have treated you better. Yeah, yeah, I was thinking I should say all that. But you threw my son out of an airlock, so fuck you to death!

Daly: [repeatedly] Exit fucking game!

Cole: Oh, man, are we glad to hear from Yeah, Merry Christmas.
Gamer: So are we gonna blow each other or are we gonna trade?
Cole: Oh Hmm.
Gamer: Hello. Do you have anything to trade at all?
Nanette: No, uh -
Gamer: [SIGHS] So why did you respond? OK, just get the hell out of my quadrant or I'll blast you to shit.
Gamer: - You got ten seconds. Ten -
Cole: Oh, well, do do try. We'll photon-bolt you up the perineum, you stupid little boy.
Gamer: Wuuu, scary... Nine!

ArkAngel [4.02]Edit

Crocodile [4.03]Edit

Hang the DJ [4.04]Edit

Metalhead [4.05]Edit

Black Museum [4.06]Edit

External linksEdit