Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros

2010 television film directed by Fred Olen Ray

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros is a 2010 American made for cable comedy erotic film in which Dr. Bikini Jones is on the hunt for the lost Temple of Eros. Using a golden idol as her guide, she searches the wild land of Moronica. It is a softcore porn spoof of Indiana Jones.

Directed and written by Fred Olen Ray.


Evilla Cruella: I want that idol. It's mine by right of my ancestry!
Drago: Perhaps, but I thought you were from Hobokin.
Evilla Cruella: Hobokin?! Well, my grandpa did settle there, but my real destiny is the empire of Moronica.
Drago: Yes, of course. This is all very unfortunate.
Evilla Cruella: I entrusted my spies to bring me my idol. We had it, but it slipped away. And I want it back.
Drago: How can we help you achieve your goals, mistress?
Evilla Cruella: I must have that idol. It alone has the location of the Temple of Eros. With it, I can acquire the Tiara of Ayesha and rule all of Moronica.
Drago: And then you will be the supreme empress of Moronica.
Evilla Cruella: Suits me well, don't you think?
Drago: It does, indeed.
Evilla Cruella: Then get me that idol! I don't care how you do it, or by what means! Just bring it back to me.
Drago: I understand that Dr. Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has it in her possession.
Evilla Cruella: Then you know what to do. Rally your spies in America, and bring me that idol!
Drago: At your command. [walks out of the room]
Evilla Cruella: [raises her clenched fist] I will have that idol, or else! [laughs wickedly with an evil smile]

Carol: I studied Reiki in college.
Bikini Jones: Reiki?
Carol: Reiki-Tikki-Tavi. The art of sensuous mongoose massage.

Bikini Jones: [holding the idol in her hands] Hmm. You will look spectacular in my trophy case.
Security guard: [arrives and points a gun at Bikini Jones] Freeze! Put your hands up!
Bikini Jones: [puts down the idol and raises her hands] Easy, lady.
Security guard: What are you doing in here?
Bikini Jones: Well, let me guess... silent alarm?
Security guard: That's right. Now I asked you, what were you doing?
Bikini Jones: What's it look like, Einstein? [puts down her hands] I'm the cleaning lady. I'm cleaning up.
Security guard: How'd you get in here? All the doors are locked.
Bikini Jones: Can I help it? I get paid to clean! I finished three floors; this was my last stop.
Security guard: That's right. I saw you on the second floor. [puts down the gun] You do good work.
Bikini Jones: [giggles] Thanks! I try.
Security guard: Well, I guess there's no harm done. We'd better not let anybody know about this. They'll fire one of us for sure.
Bikini Jones: Why would I tell anyone? I don't want to lose my job.
Security guard: Well, me, either. So we agree? This never happened.
Bikini Jones: What happened?
Security guard: Yeah. That's the idea.
Bikini Jones: You know, my shift is over now. What do you say? You and me seal the deal? This way neither one of us is tempted to talk about it later.
Security guard: You mean... you and me?
Bikini Jones: Right here on the desk.
Security guard: Well... [turns her head to look if anyone is around, then turns back to Bikini Jones] I guess no one will miss me for a little while.
Bikini Jones: [giggles] Great! Let's not waste any time.