Bewitched (1964–1972) was an American TV sitcom about the adventures of Samantha Stephens, a witch who, to the dismay of her family, married a mortal man, Darrin Stephens. The series starred Elizabeth Montgomery.
Super Car [3.19]Edit
- [Endora 'pops' in while Darrin has a day off from work.]
- Samantha: Mother, Darrin's off today.
- Endora: I think you're just noticing it for the first time.
The Corn is as High as a Guernsey's Eye [3.20]Edit
- [Samantha is trying to convince a cow (who she believes to be Aunt Clara) to go to the kitchen. It won't budge.]
- Samantha: Just because you chose to be a cow doesn't mean you have to be a stupid one.
- Samantha: You see, everything turns out for the best.
- Darrin: Yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does.
The Trial and Error of Aunt Clara [3.21]Edit
- [Samantha is trying to hide a witches court meeting (attended by Endora, Clara, Enchantra and Hagatha) from Darrin in the other room.]
- Darrin: I know why you don't want to let me in there.
- Samantha: You do?
- Darrin: Mm-hm. I finally figured it out. Ladies club, right?
- Samantha: Sort of.
- Darrin: Is it the committee for the bazaar?
- Samantha: Oh, I'd certainly call them a bizarre committee.
Three Wishes [3.22]Edit
- Darrin: That was no lady, that was my mother-in-law!
- Samantha: Darrin, I'm leaving you.
- Darrin: Sam!
- Samantha: I'm going home to Mother.
- Darrin: What do you mean "going home to Mother"? Your mother's always here!
Cousin Serena Strikes Again (Part 1) [5.15]Edit
- [Referring to Darrin's beautiful, but snobby, client.]
- Samantha: Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon.
- Darrin: What for?
- Samantha: To have her nose lowered.
Charlie Harper, Winner [3.26]Edit
- [After losing to Charlie all day.]
- Darrin: Believe me honey, I don't feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great. I finally beat Charlie at something.
- Samantha: You said you lost by 12 strokes.
- Darrin: 11.
- Samantha: Oh, pardon me.
- Darrin: But we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy and I won. It cost me ten bucks, but I won.
Aunt Clara's Victoria Victory [3.26]Edit
The Crone of Cawdor [3.27]Edit
- Samantha: When the earth turns once around the sun, let the crone go forth til the day is done. Another's form she'll take and her form leave, from 6 in the morn til 6 in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure, a willing kiss from a mortal pure. To her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age forsooth. [Legend of the Crone of Cawdor]
Cousin Serena Strikes Again (Part 2) [5.16]Edit
My What Big Ears You HaveEdit
- Darrin: A satisfactory explanation?! You're kidding!
- Samantha: It's not for me. I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts. Mother will not take off that spell until you explain.
- Darrin: Suppose you explain to me what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls.
- Samantha: Darrin, how can I explain my mother?
- Darrin (realizing Samantha's point): That's true.
Darrin, Gone and Forgotten [5.4]Edit
- Samantha: Happy sweetheart?
- Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.
- Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'?
- Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!
- Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.
- Samantha: I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms.
- Darrin: Let's hope it stays 'almost'.
- Samantha: Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.
- [Samantha is trying to figure out who has taken Darrin.]
- Maurice: Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.
- Endora: Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.
It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House [5.5]Edit
- [After Darrin yells out loud.]
- Endora: I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall [5.6]Edit
- [After Darrin insults Endora]
- Endora: Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.
- Darrin: Let me try a little harder.
- Samantha: Mr Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.
- Larry Tate: And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.
Samantha's French Pastry [5.07]Edit
- [Joking about Samantha's unrisen Angel Food Cake]
- Uncle Arthur: When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.
- Darrin: I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.
- Samantha: Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.
- Darrin: Ironic?
- Samantha: Yes. Who can you say it to?
Is It Magic Or Imagination? [5.8]Edit
- [Darrin is trying to apologize to Samantha, for accusing her of using witchcraft to win a slogan competition].
- Darrin: The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!
Samantha Fights City Hall [5.9]Edit
- Larry Tate: [Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece.
- Darrin: Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line.
- Larry Tate: Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.
Samantha Loses Her Voice [5.10]Edit
- [Larry explaining why he didn't pick his wife for his volleyball team].
- Larry Tate: Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.
I Don't Want to Be a Toad, I Want to Be a Butterfly [5.11]Edit
- [After Tabitha has changed her classmate into a butterfly].
- Tabitha: Is this one of those things that's called a problem?
- Samantha: Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.
Weep No More My Willow [5.12]Edit
- Mrs Kravitz: Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.
- Mr Kravitz: So what? I'm listening to one.
A Plague on Maurice and Samantha [8.9]Edit
- Maurice: Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.
- [Maurice dismisses his driver (named Yorick), who coughs before disappearing.]
- Maurice: Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.
- Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.
- Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.
Hansel And Gretel In Samanthaland [8.10]Edit
- Larry Tate: Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb?
- Darrin: Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.
The Warlock In The Grey Flannel Suit [8.11]Edit
- [After finding out that Endora has cast yet another spell on Darrin.]
- Samantha: One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.
- Darrin: The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.
The Eight-Year Witch [8.12]Edit
- [After Endora finds photographs of beautiful models in swimsuits in Darrin's briefcase.]
- Endora: Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new.
- Samantha: In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years.
- Endora: You see, Derwood can't do anything right.
Three Men And A Witch On a Horse [8.13]Edit
- [Samantha is reading a newspaper betting column. She is trying to dissuade Darrin from betting on the horse.]
- Samantha: Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".
- [Darrin is phoning the betting company to place a bet on a horse.]
- Darrin: Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.
- Samantha: And so's your horse.
- [When Count of Valor is at the back of the field in the race.]
- Samantha: He'll catch up.
- Larry Tate: Only if they race to Albany.
Adam, Warlock or Washout? [8.14]Edit
- [Maurice is greeting Samantha.]
- Maurice: She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
- Samantha: Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.
- Endora: Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical.
- Maurice: Thank you, Endora, your charm is ageless. So sad about the rest of you.
- [Maurice is greeting Tabitha.]
- Tabitha: Hello, Grandpapa.
- Maurice: Tabitha! How is my little princess?
- Tabitha: Fine. I can always tell your voice, Grandpapa.
- Maurice: Yes, people say it has a unique quality.
- Tabitha: And it's so loud, too.
- [Explaining why Adam has not shown any signs of being a warlock.]
- Maurice: Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft.
- Endora: You see, Samantha's husband - that mortal lamebrain - absolutely forbids the use of witchcraft in this house.
- Witches Council Representative #1: No.
- Endora: Yes.
- Witches Council Representative #2: No!
- Endora: Yes!
- Witches Council Representative #1: No!!!
- Endora: Why do you keep saying 'No' when I keep saying 'Yes'!!!
Samantha's Magic Sitter [8.15]Edit
Samantha is Earthbound [8.16]Edit
- [After witnessing Samantha and Darrin walking along while hugging each other closely (to prevent Samantha from being lifted into the air!)]
- Mr. Prescott: That's a pretty squirrely couple
- Mrs. Prescott: It's called love, Wilbur.
- Mr. Prescott: Why's he holding her like that?
- Mrs. Prescott: That is also called love, Wilbur.
- Mr. Prescott: He's gonna help her dress?
- Mrs. Prescott: Love, Wilbur!
- Mr. Prescott: Sick, Selma.
Serena's Richcraft [8.17]Edit
Samantha on Thin Ice [8.18]Edit
- Darrin: Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft?
- Samantha: Why would I want to do that?
- Darrin: Could you or couldn't you?
- Samantha: Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything?
- Darrin: Not everything. Just everything difficult.
- [Samantha turns around in a huff!)]
- Samantha: Well!
- Darrin: Can you learn to skate the mortal way?
- Samantha: Are you challenging me?
- Darrin: Yes
- Samantha: I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.
Serena's Youth Pill [8.19]Edit
- Samantha: In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.
- [Larry doesn't understand what Louise is getting at!]
- Larry Tate: Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator
Tabitha's First Day at School [8.20]Edit
- Darrin: Is Tabitha ready for school?
- Samantha: Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?
- Charlton, the bully: What kind of dumb name is Tabitha?
- Tabitha: It's not a dumb name.
- Charlton, the bully: How come I've never heard it before?
- Tabitha: Because you never met anyone named Tabitha!
- [After Charlton keeps insisting that Tabitha turned him into a bullfrog.]
- Charlton's mom: Why does he keep saying that?
- Samantha: Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification.
- Charlton's mom: Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that?
- Samantha: Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it?
- Charlton's mom: Yes.
- Samantha: Do you follow me?
- Charlton's mom: No.
- Samantha: Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies.
- Charlton's mom: Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog?
- Charlton, the bully: I WAS a bullfrog.
- Samantha: Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.
- [After Samantha has convinced the bully's mother that he only imagined himself as a bullfrog]
- Tabitha: Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you?
- Tabitha: I have an idea.
- Tabitha: What's that?
- Tabitha: How about a little love and understanding?
- Tabitha: Why is it that I feel like the fox thats been cornered by the chicken!?
George Washington Zapped Here[8.21]Edit
- [After George Washington sees Abraham Lincoln's face on the $5 bill and his on the $1 bill].
- George Washington: And who is this bearded fellow?
- Samantha: That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president.
- George Washington: He must have been a very fine president to have his name honored on a $5 bill.
- Samantha: He was an excellent president, Sir.
- George Washington: Better than me?
- Darrin: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- George Washington: Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill?
- Samantha: Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincoln's.
- Samantha: Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority".
- George Washington: Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.
- [Referring to Esmerelda]
- Darrin: How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch psychiatrist for her!
School Days, School Daze [8.23]Edit
- Samantha: How would you like a drink?
- Darrin: Sam, just give me the news, without the anaestethic.
A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished [8.24]Edit
- Samantha: Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?
- Samantha: Did Larry like it?
- Darrin: He hated it. Right up until the time that Benson loved it.
Samantha's Witchcraft Blows a Fuse [8.25]Edit
- [Referring to Dr. Bombay].
- Samantha: There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.
The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam [8.26]Edit
- Samantha: Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry.
- Darrin: Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult?
- Endora: Your right, Derweed. I don't have to be angry to be difficult. [pause] But it helps.
- Samantha: Oh, Darrin. When are you going to learn that mother knows best. And what mother knows best - is how to be difficult.
- [The last lines spoken in the series. Darrin is testing the truth spell Endora has cast]
- Darrin: Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works.
- Samantha: Well, it doesn't work on me. But I love you. And that is the truth, the whole truth and etcetera.