Bewitched

Bewitched (1964–1972) was an American TV sitcom about the adventures of Samantha Stephens, a witch who, to the dismay of her family, married a mortal man, Darrin Stephens. The series starred Elizabeth Montgomery.

Season 3

Super Car [3.19]

[Endora 'pops' in while Darrin has a day off from work.]

Samantha: Mother, Darrin's off today.

Endora: I think you're just noticing it for the first time.

The Corn is as High as a Guernsey's Eye [3.20]

[Samantha is trying to convince a cow (who she believes to be Aunt Clara) to go to the kitchen. It won't budge.]

Samantha: Just because you chose to be a cow doesn't mean you have to be a stupid one.

---

Samantha: You see, everything turns out for the best.

Darrin: Yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does.

The Trial and Error of Aunt Clara [3.21]

[Samantha is trying to hide a witches court meeting (attended by Endora, Clara, Enchantra and Hagatha) from Darrin in the other room.]

Darrin: I know why you don't want to let me in there.

Samantha: You do?

Darrin: Mm-hm. I finally figured it out. Ladies club, right?

Samantha: Sort of.

Darrin: Is it the committee for the bazaar?

Samantha: Oh, I'd certainly call them a bizarre committee.

Three Wishes [3.22]

Darrin: That was no lady, that was my mother-in-law!

---

Samantha: Darrin, I'm leaving you.

Darrin: Sam!

Samantha: I'm going home to Mother.

Darrin: What do you mean "going home to Mother"? Your mother's always here!

Cousin Serena Strikes Again (Part 1) [5.15]

[Referring to Darrin's beautiful, but snobby, client.]

Samantha: Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon.

Darrin: What for?

Samantha: To have her nose lowered.

Charlie Harper, Winner [3.26]

[After losing to Charlie all day.]

Darrin: Believe me honey, I don't feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great. I finally beat Charlie at something.

Samantha: You said you lost by 12 strokes.

Darrin: 11.

Samantha: Oh, pardon me.

Darrin: But we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy and I won. It cost me ten bucks, but I won.

The Crone of Cawdor [3.27]

Samantha: When the earth turns once around the sun, let the crone go forth til the day is done. Another's form she'll take and her form leave, from 6 in the morn til 6 in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure, a willing kiss from a mortal pure. To her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age forsooth. [Legend of the Crone of Cawdor]

Season 4

My What Big Ears You Have

Darrin: A satisfactory explanation?! You're kidding!

Samantha: It's not for me. I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts. Mother will not take off that spell until you explain.

Darrin: Suppose you explain to me what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls.

Samantha: Darrin, how can I explain my mother?

Darrin (realizing Samantha's point): That's true.

Season 5

Darrin, Gone and Forgotten [5.4]

Samantha: Happy sweetheart?

Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.

Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'?

Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!

Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.

---

Samantha: I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms.

Darrin: Let's hope it stays 'almost'.

---

Samantha: Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.

---

[Samantha is trying to figure out who has taken Darrin.]

Maurice: Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.

Endora: Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.

It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House [5.5]

[After Darrin yells out loud.]

Endora: I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall [5.6]

[After Darrin insults Endora]

Endora: Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.

Darrin: Let me try a little harder.

---

Samantha: Mr. Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.

Larry Tate: And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

Samantha's French Pastry [5.07]

[Joking about Samantha's unrisen Angel Food Cake]

Uncle Arthur: When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.

---

Darrin: I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.

Samantha: Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.

Darrin: Ironic?

Samantha: Yes. Who can you say it to?

Is It Magic Or Imagination? [5.8]

[Darrin is trying to apologize to Samantha, for accusing her of using witchcraft to win a slogan competition].

Darrin: The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!

Samantha Fights City Hall [5.9]

Larry Tate: [Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece.

Darrin: Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line.

Larry Tate: Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.

Samantha Loses Her Voice [5.10]

[Larry explaining why he didn't pick his wife for his volleyball team].

Larry Tate: Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.

I Don't Want to Be a Toad, I Want to Be a Butterfly [5.11]

[After Tabitha has changed her classmate into a butterfly].

Tabitha: Is this one of those things that's called a problem?

Samantha: Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.

Weep No More My Willow [5.12]

Mrs Kravitz: Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.

Mr Kravitz: So what? I'm listening to one.

Season 6

Samantha's Double Mother Trouble [6.12]

[In the backyard, Esmerelda sneezes, which pops Mother Goose out of Tabitha's storybook]

Tabitha: Mommy, Mommy!

Samantha: [from Tabitha's bedroom window] What is it, sweetheart?

Tabitha: Look who's here!

Samantha: [shocked] Oh, my goose! It's Mother Stars!

Season 8

A Plague on Maurice and Samantha [8.9]

Maurice: Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.

---

[Maurice dismisses his driver (named Yorick), who coughs before disappearing.]

Maurice: Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.

---

Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.

Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

Hansel And Gretel In Samanthaland [8.10]

Larry Tate: Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb?

Darrin: Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.

The Warlock In The Grey Flannel Suit [8.11]

[After finding out that Endora has cast yet another spell on Darrin.]

Samantha: One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.

Darrin: The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.

The Eight-Year Witch [8.12]

[After Endora finds photographs of beautiful models in swimsuits in Darrin's briefcase.]

Endora: Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new.

Samantha: In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years.

Endora: You see, Derwood can't do anything right.

Three Men And A Witch On a Horse [8.13]

[Samantha is reading a newspaper betting column. She is trying to dissuade Darrin from betting on the horse.]

Samantha: Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".

---

[Darrin is phoning the betting company to place a bet on a horse.]

Darrin: Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.

Samantha: And so's your horse.

---

[When Count of Valor is at the back of the field in the race.]

Samantha: He'll catch up.

Larry Tate: Only if they race to Albany.

Adam, Warlock or Washout? [8.14]

[Maurice is greeting Samantha.]

Maurice: She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.

Samantha: Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.

---

Endora: Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical.

Maurice: Thank you, Endora, your charm is ageless. So sad about the rest of you.

---

[Maurice is greeting Tabitha.]

Tabitha: Hello, Grandpapa.

Maurice: Tabitha! How is my little princess?

Tabitha: Fine. I can always tell your voice, Grandpapa.

Maurice: Yes, people say it has a unique quality.

Tabitha: And it's so loud, too.

---

[Explaining why Adam has not shown any signs of being a warlock.]

Maurice: Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft.

Endora: You see, Samantha's husband - that mortal lamebrain - absolutely forbids the use of witchcraft in this house.

Witches Council Representative #1: No.

Endora: Yes.

Witches Council Representative #2: No!

Endora: Yes!

Witches Council Representative #1: No!!!

Endora: Why do you keep saying 'No' when I keep saying 'Yes'!!!

Samantha is Earthbound [8.16]

[After witnessing Samantha and Darrin walking along while hugging each other closely (to prevent Samantha from being lifted into the air!)]

Mr. Prescott: That's a pretty squirrely couple

Mrs. Prescott: It's called love, Wilbur.

Mr. Prescott: Why's he holding her like that?

Mrs. Prescott: That is also called love, Wilbur.

Mr. Prescott: He's gonna help her dress?

Mrs. Prescott: Love, Wilbur!

Mr. Prescott: Sick, Selma.

Samantha on Thin Ice [8.18]

Darrin: Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft?

Samantha: Why would I want to do that?

Darrin: Could you or couldn't you?

Samantha: Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything?

Darrin: Not everything. Just everything difficult.

[Samantha turns around in a huff!)]

Samantha: Well!

Darrin: Can you learn to skate the mortal way?

Samantha: Are you challenging me?

Darrin: Yes

Samantha: I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.

Serena's Youth Pill [8.19]

Samantha: In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.

---

[Larry doesn't understand what Louise is getting at!]

Larry Tate: Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator

Tabitha's First Day at School [8.20]

Darrin: Is Tabitha ready for school?

Samantha: Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?

---

Charlton, the bully: What kind of dumb name is Tabitha?

Tabitha: It's not a dumb name.

Charlton, the bully: How come I've never heard it before?

Tabitha: Because you never met anyone named Tabitha!

---

[After Charlton keeps insisting that Tabitha turned him into a bullfrog.]

Charlton's mom: Why does he keep saying that?

Samantha: Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification.

Charlton's mom: Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that?

Samantha: Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it?

Charlton's mom: Yes.

Samantha: Do you follow me?

Charlton's mom: No.

Samantha: Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies.

Charlton's mom: Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog?

Charlton, the bully: I WAS a bullfrog.

Samantha: Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.

---

[After Samantha has convinced the bully's mother that he only imagined himself as a bullfrog]

Tabitha: Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you?

Tabitha: I have an idea.

Tabitha: What's that?

Tabitha: How about a little love and understanding?

Tabitha: Why is it that I feel like the fox that's been cornered by the chicken!?

George Washington Zapped Here[8.21]

[After George Washington sees Abraham Lincoln's face on the $5 bill and his on the $1 bill].

George Washington: And who is this bearded fellow?

Samantha: That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president.

George Washington: He must have been a very fine president to have his name honored on a $5 bill.

Samantha: He was an excellent president, Sir.

George Washington: Better than me?

Darrin: Oh, I wouldn't say that.

George Washington: Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill?

Samantha: Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincoln's.

---

Samantha: Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority".

George Washington: Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.

---

[Referring to Esmerelda]

Darrin: How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch psychiatrist for her!

School Days, School Daze [8.23]

Samantha: How would you like a drink?

Darrin: Sam, just give me the news, without the anesthetic.

A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished [8.24]

Samantha: Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?

---

Samantha: Did Larry like it?

Darrin: He hated it. Right up until the time that Benson loved it.

Samantha's Witchcraft Blows a Fuse [8.25]

[Referring to Dr. Bombay].

Samantha: There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.

The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam [8.26]

Samantha: Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry.

Darrin: Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult?

Endora: Your right, Derweed. I don't have to be angry to be difficult. [pause] But it helps.

Samantha: Oh, Darrin. When are you going to learn that mother knows best. And what mother knows best - is how to be difficult.

---

[The last lines spoken in the series. Darrin is testing the truth spell Endora has cast]

Darrin: Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works.

Samantha: Well, it doesn't work on me. But I love you. And that is the truth, the whole truth and etcetera.

Cast

• Elizabeth Montgomery - Samantha Stephens
• Dick York - Darrin Stephens (1964-1969)
• Dick Sargent - Darrin Stephens (1969-1972)
• Agnes Moorehead - Endora
• David White - Larry Tate
• Erin Murphy - Tabitha Stephens

External links

• Bewitched quotes at the Internet Movie Database