Better Call Saul (season 2)

season of television series

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The following is a list of quotes from the second season Better Call Saul.

Switch [2.01]Edit

[Mike is waiting in the parking garage for Daniel Wormald to pick him up. Moments later, Daniel pulls into the garage in a bright yellow Hummer H2. Upon seeing the car, Mike picks up his lunch bag and immediately begins walking away]
Daniel: Hey! It's me! [After a brief fumble, he backs the car up to catch up with Mike] Hello? Hello! It's me! I got a new car. Do you like it?
Mike: We're not taking that to the meet.
Daniel: How are we gonna get there?
Mike: I'll drive, in my car.
Daniel: Why?
Mike: This business requires restraint. That is the opposite of restraint.
Daniel: But...I like it. I mean, I'm proud of it.
Mike: Good. And you can be proud of it on your own time. Just not with me. I'm not getting in that.

Cobbler [2.02]Edit

[Daniel has shown up at Mike's parking lot in his bright circus wagon, having been summoned for police questioning]
Daniel: Well, if you must know, I was robbed. Somebody broke into my house and stole my property.
Mike: Your drugs.
Daniel: Yeah, but obviously ‭I didn't tell the cops that. I'm not stupid.
Mike: You've already spoken to them?
Daniel: A couple of them came by my house. But it's not the drugs that I care about. I mean, I care. It's my baseball cards I need back.
Mike: Your baseball cards?
Daniel: Yes. I have a very valuable collection of baseball cards, and someone stole them.
Mike: I guess I shouldn't be surprised I have to tell you this. But it's probably a bad idea that you willingly talk to the police, being a criminal and all.
Daniel: I'm not here as a criminal. I'm here as a crime victim. Just because I occasionally sell some pharmaceuticals, I no longer have a right to protection from crime? And I was very careful when I talked to them. I... they have no idea about my other business.
Mike: If you already made your report, why are you here?
Daniel: They called me. They have a few more questions. They are very dedicated to finding this thief.
Mike: Since you're new to this, let me explain it to you. They've invited you on a fishing trip.
Daniel: What's that? A fishing trip?
Mike: Those cops have no interest in helping you get your cards back. You're obviously under suspicion.
Daniel: There was nothing there for them to see.
Mike: I refer you to our previous conversation and this blinking neon sign of a vehicle that says "drug dealer." They suspect you. They will get you in there, pretend to be your friend, lull you into a false sense of security, and then they will sweat you. And you will break.
Daniel: I don't... I... [chuckles] I disagree.
Mike: Not open for debate. You go home now.
Daniel: But I have an appointment.
Mike: Break it. And if they call you, do not answer the phone.

[Jimmy is spinning a lie to the police about Daniel's secret stash]
Detective 1: So, fully clothed Mr. Wormald by himself doing what?
Detective 2: Yeah, come on, man. What?
Jimmy McGill: [sighs] Squat cobbler.
Detective 1: What's a s-squat cobbler?
Jimmy McGill: Squat cobbler. ‭You know what squat cobbler is.
Detective 1: No, I don't... I don't know what a squat cobbler is.
Detective 2: No, me neither. What is it?
Jimmy McGill: What? And you two guys are cops? Hoboken Squat Cobbler. Full Moon Moon Pie. Boston Crème Splat. Seriously? Simple Simon the Ass Man. Dutch Apple Ass. Guys, am I not speaking English here?
Detective 1: What the hell is a squat cobbler?!
Jimmy McGill: It's when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... he wiggles around. Maybe it's like Hellman's Mayonnaise. It has a different name west of the Rockies. I don't know. But, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there's tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie sitters cry. But I'm gonna tell you something: This guy? He's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets ‭the waterworks cranked up.
Detective 2: Pies? What? Like apple?
Jimmy McGill: Guys, I'm not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... And there is a costume involved.
Detective 1: [snorts] You've got to be shittin' us.
Jimmy McGill: Yeah, like I would make this up. Hey, the world is ‭a rich tapestry, my friends. But trust me on this. You don't want to see it.

[Jimmy leaves the police station having successfully gotten Daniel off on the drug investigation]
Daniel Warmold: So, uh, we're good, right?
Jimmy McGill: Yeah. Great! [Chuckles] There is, however, one little, tiny hanging Chad.
Daniel Warmold: Well, what? What Chad?
Jimmy McGill: You're gonna have to make a video.

Amarillo [2.03]Edit

[Jimmy bribes a bus driver to "break down". After handing bribe money to the driver, he climbs on board]
Jimmy: Howdy, folks! Could someone tell me if Mrs. Alma May Urbano is on board? Alma May Urbano? [A hand is raised] There you are. Hello, dear. Very good to meet you. My name's Jimmy. I tried to visit you at Sandpiper, but they wouldn't allow me to. Hey, you know what? It doesn't matter. I saw your bus broken down, here you are. Lucky me. Do you prefer to be called Mrs. Urbano or Alma May or just plain Alma? My last name is McGill, but you can call me Jimmy. Hey, everyone! My name's Jimmy McGill. I'm an attorney at law, but, uh, don't mind me. Just talk amongst yourselves. Now, Alma May, do you recall responding to a mailer from my law firm, Davis & Main, of Santa Fe, New Mexico?
Alma May: I... I don't know.
Jimmy: Well, we were looking to help any Sandpiper residents who may have been overcharged for, uh, basic goods and services. Now, does that ring a bell?
Alma May: Oh! Maybe. Was it yellow?
Jimmy: It's canary yellow. I picked that color myself. [Chuckles] Well, ma'am, I'm here to make sure you get your money back.
Amos: What are you talking about? Who took Alma May's money?
Jimmy: Uh, well, now, that's a very good question. And thank you for asking, mister, uh...?
Amos: Amos... Amos Lydecker.
Jimmy: Mr. Lydecker, Jimmy McGill. Now, nobody took anybody's money, uh, exactly. Okay? It's not like the Sandpiper people, you know, put on a ski mask and, uh, mugged Alma May here at gunpoint. So I want you to put that mental image right out of your head. See, what we're talking about here is more of a... it's just a discrepancy. It's, it's a little thing, it's fairly innocent. But we need to fix it. Do you follow me? [silence] Well, put it this way. Alma May, let's say you're out on a date with your boyfriend. You do have a boyfriend, right? [She shakes her head] Ah! You don't? Come on. You... Alma May's holding out on me. Do you have a nephew?
Alma May: Nephew? Oh, y-yes. Steve.
Jimmy: Okay, Steve. Is he a good guy?
Alma May: Yes, very good.
Jimmy: Okay. So, let's say you and Steve go out to dinner at, uh, well, Birdie's. That's where you're all headed today, right? All right. So, both of you have a great meal. It's chicken-fried steak and green beans, and it's all perfect. Here comes the check. "Hey, wait a doggone..." Twenty-four bucks for a side of buttermilk biscuits? "That doesn't sound right, now, does it?" No, it does not. It sounds like something got added up wrong. Well, naturally, you send your nephew Steve to talk to the manager, and naturally, the manager corrects the mistake. And what's more, he gives you a coupon for a free meal next time you come in. How about that? Good. Well, same kind of thing is what happened at Sandpiper Crossing. And nothing makes me sadder than to see people of the Greatest Generation... people like my own Nana and Bobo... gettin' overcharged by some great, big company. Even if it was an accident. Now, I know that the good people at Sandpiper want to make this right sooner or later, but you know what? Well, sometimes, it's just easier if you get your nephew Steve to go take care of it for you. And that's how I want you to think of me.

[Jimmy takes a phone call from Cliff after the broadcast of the commercial.]
Jimmy: It's the boss.
Kim: At this hour?
Jimmy: It's never to late for a congratulations. [picks up phone] Cliff! Jesus, you're still at the office.
Cliff: You ran a commercial?
Jimmy: Yeah. And oh my God, let me tell you, the response has been–
Cliff: You ran a commercial without ever showing it to me, without first consulting me and my partners! Did you actually think that was going to fly?!
Jimmy: I was planning on telling you in the morning.
Cliff: The day after it aired?!
Jimmy: I only ran it once, just in one small market. It was kind of an experiment, all right? Kind of under the radar. And in all fairness, you did tell me client outreach was my department.
Cliff: Don't be disingenuous. This commercial, I take it my firm's name is mentioned?
Jimmy: Yes, uh... yeah.
Cliff: Jesus. Howard said you were a little eccentric. He didn't tell me you were a goddamn arsonist!
Jimmy: Cliff, to be fair, I don't think... I apologize if there was any misreading of the situation on my part, but there's a very positive headline here. We got 103 phone calls today, off a measly $700 ad buy. Now, that kind of return on investment you can't get–
Cliff: Tomorrow morning. Eight o'clock, my office, with the partners. And we want to see this thing!
Jimmy: Cliff, when you see this, I know you–
[Cliff hangs up on Jimmy. Jimmy pretends he's still on the phone with Cliff as he walks back into the living room.]
Jimmy: Yeah, Cliff. Thank you... Yeah, you too... Okay, see ya.
Kim: Golden boy.
Jimmy: That's me.

Gloves Off [2.04]Edit

[Nacho is discussing his plan to have Mike kill Tuco]
Nacho: You got a better plan? Go on, tell me. I'm all ears.
Mike: You sure about this? Killing your partner, heh... that's a bell you don't unring.
[Nacho pauses, then pulls back his shirt to reveal something lodged in his shoulder]
Nacho: You see this? You know how I got this? Back in '96, '97, Tuco and I were working with these bikers out of Riverside County. They were selling this peanut-butter crank; real shit, y'know, but cheap, we could sell it as fast as we got it. Anyway... Tuco develops a taste for it, and crank does not bring out the best in people - made Tuco erratic. Our connect was a guy called Dog Paulson. One day, Tuco's settling up with Dog. He decides to put on his lie detector. Dog's like, "What the hell," you know; Tuco just keeps staring at him, then he goes real quiet. "You think I'm an idiot, Dog?" He thinks Dog is supplying his competitor, trying to cut Tuco out. Dog, he denies it, "no way, not me." Tuco doesn't even raise his voice, but suddenly he's got a sawed-off and... right in Dog's face. I was behind him. Sickest thing I ever saw to this day, and this? [pulls back his shirt again] A piece of Dog's skull under the skin, a little piece of him. I tried digging it out, but it's in there pretty good. Y'know, not the kind of thing you go to the doctor's for. The thing about it was... Tuco really liked Dog. Kinda felt bad about it afterwards, but when he's using: [popping sound] loco, crazy. There's no other way to put it. And he's using again: crystal, much bigger kick. [shrugs] So... it's like you said. If Tuco finds out about my, y'know, independent ventures... it's gonna be Dog all over again. It's him or me.

[Mike is in a motel room with an arms dealer, looking at sniper rifles]
Lawson: Good bolt-action rifle, if you jammed it, I'd wager ‭you were setting out to do so. Which brings us to the M40: tried and true, battle-tested. Essentially, the same rifle used by marine snipers since 1966. It's light, accurate, good for soft targets in the 800 to 1,200-meter range. [Mike inspects a rifle] You seem to know this one.
Mike: Oh, yeah. You could say that.
Lawson: That's the A1 model. There's not much change from the original. Biggest difference is the stock, it's fiberglass instead of wood. They changed it over in 1970 or so.
Mike: Good. Wood warped like hell. You get it wet, ‭you put it in the sun... gone. Somebody probably ‭shoulda figured that out before they sent it into a damn jungle.

[Kim has been called to a meeting with Howard and Chuck over Jimmy's unapproved TV commercial]
Howard: It's a simple question, Kim: did you or did you not know about this commercial?
Kim: I— yes. He showed it to me—
Howard: He showed it to you?
Kim: Yes. A few days ago.
Howard: And you didn't say anything, to anyone?
Kim: No. I didn't.
Howard: You didn't think I deserved a heads-up?
Kim: I didn't realize— At the time, I didn't think it was necessary.
Howard: Well, you were wrong about that. We were caught flat-footed in front of our co-counsel, which I don't need to tell you does not reflect well on HHM. Or on you.
[There is a long pause between the three of them.]
Howard: That will be all. You can go.
[Kim leaves the conference room]

Chuck: You have to admit that shows a lack of judgment on her (Kim's) part. She knows you. She should have known better.
Jimmy: You are such an asshole!
Chuck: Why? For pointing out that her one mistake was believing in you?
Jimmy: For Christ's sake, could we get some perspective here? It was a simple little commercial, it aired once, that's all. And can I remind you it worked – it worked like a dream?
Chuck: See, that's your problem, Jimmy. Thinking that the ends justify the means. And you're forever shocked when it all blows up in your face.
Jimmy: What did I do that was so wrong?
Chuck: You broke the rules. [Jimmy scoffs] You turned Kim into your accessory. You embarrassed Howard who, God help him, inexplicably vouched for you with Cliff Main. You made Cliff and his partners look like schmucks. Shall I go on? How he hasn't fired you for this positively mystifies me. "Perspective." You want perspective? I'll give you mine. You're my brother, and I love you, but you're like an alcoholic who refuses to admit he's got a problem. Now someone's given you the keys to the school bus and I am not going to let you drive it off a cliff.
Jimmy: C-can we get down to brass tacks here? What can I do to put Kim back where she belongs, huh? Wha- you want me to quit Davis and Main? That's fine! I never wanted that job in the first place!
Chuck: [exasperated] I-I can't get through to you. Life is not one big game of Let's Make a Deal!
Jimmy: Yes, it is! I'm Monty Hall, what's behind door number two? What'll it take, huh?! [pause] You want me to quit being a lawyer? [Chuck scoffs] Yuh- "a chimp with a machine gun," that's me, right?! Huh? So, what do you say? You help Kim, I quit the law. Is that a deal?
Chuck: I didn't say that.
Jimmy: You didn't say it, but that's what you want, right?! That's why you put the screws to Kim in the first place, to squeeze me!
Chuck: I didn't say that, and I would never say that.
Jimmy: Why not?!
Chuck: Because if I were impeding the career of one of my employees, for the purpose of compelling you to do something against your will, that would be extortion.
Jimmy: [chuckles] Yeah, it would. So? You gonna extort me, Chuck? It's a lead-pipe cinch: you get away with it, I'm not gonna tell anyone. It's real easy - you just set things right with Kim, you get her back in her office out of Doc Review, everything back to normal, and I quit the law...for good. No more Jimmy McGill, esq. Poof, like he never even existed.
Chuck: Wow. Wow!
Jimmy: But I need to hear the words come out of your mouth, okay? You're a man of your word, you're an upstanding man, right?!
Chuck: For God's sake. Jimmy-
Jimmy: Come on, Chuck! Extort me! Say "quit" and I will quit, but I need to hear it from your mouth.
Chuck: You want me to commit a felony...because that's what you'd do, right?! Because you want to believe that deep down, I'm some hypocrite!
Jimmy: Let's find out. Come on down, Chuck, roll around in the dirt with me! All your dreams will come true! Go on, do it! Go on!
[Chuck stares at Jimmy]
Chuck: I am not the bad guy here. You don't want to be a lawyer, that's between you and the New Mexico State Bar. You want to quit Davis & Main, be my guest! You clearly don't need any help from me to tank your career; you're doing just fine on your own.

[Mike drives to the El Michoacan restaurant after alerting the police of Tuco's location. As he pulls into the parking lot, he hits Tuco's car. Tuco and Nacho notice this and stop their deal inside the restaurant.]
Tuco: What the fuck? Did you see that?
Nacho: See what?
Tuco: That old man... just hit my car.
[Mike comes inside while Tuco stares him down.]
Mike: Let me see. Um... give me the #4. The pollo, por favor. That's to go.
Tuco: Hey, you. Hey, gramps! You just hit my car.
Mike: You're talking to me?
Tuco: [laughs; to Nacho] Check out Mr. Magoo here. [to Mike] Yes, sir. You see that car that you parked your piece of shit next to? That's mine. You just ran into it.
Mike: No, I don't think I did.
Tuco: You calling me a liar?
Mike: Uh, no.
Nacho: Hey! I saw it, too. You gonna stand there and deny it?

Mike: I offered to do this the right way. If you can't accept that, then I can't help you. [Tuco takes his keys and throws them to Nacho] Aw, come on, guys!
Tuco: I'm gonna make this real simple for you. Give me your wallet and maybe you'll walk away from this.
Mike: [pause] I'm not giving you a damn thing.
Tuco: No, homes? [reveals gun underneath his shirt to Mike] Give me your wallet!
Mike: Let's just stay calm here.
Tuco: [laughs] You see me sweating, bitch? [shoves Mike] Wallet! [Mike looks to his right] Wallet! Wallet.
[Mike reluctantly takes his wallet out of his back pocket]
Tuco: [snatches wallet from Mike's hand and takes out cash] There's like, 400 here!
[Nacho hears sirens in the distance]
Tuco: You got some crazy lip on you, old man! Your life, worth 400 bucks?
Nacho: Hey, Tuco! Time to bounce!
Tuco: Yeah, go. Go.
[Nacho drops the keys, then gets in his van and drives off]
Tuco: You... are one lucky old man. [Mike suddenly grabs Tuco's boxing gloves necklace] The hell? Let go!
[Mike knocks Tuco's gun away, and the two start a fist fight. Tuco throws several punches at Mike. Mike notices two cop cars pulling into the parking lot as Tuco beats him]
Officer: Hands up! Now! On the ground!
Mike: [bloody-faced] That all you got?
Officer: Get on the ground!
[Tuco laughs madly and lands a punch to Mike's eye]

Rebecca [2.05]Edit

[Jimmy visits Kim in the basement of HHM, where she has been demoted to document review again.]
Jimmy: I'm telling you, Chuck is behind this.
Kim: No, you are behind this. I told you this would happen, and now I am paying the price. I should have known better. So now I'm keeping my head down and getting through this, and I'm most certainly not suing HHM.
Jimmy: Kim—
Kim: Even if I won, who would hire me? That would be career suicide.
Jimmy: All right. Then I quit Davis & Main.
Kim: What does that accomplish?
Jimmy: It's the only way to get you out of dutch. Because this is about Chuck, whether you want to believe it or not. I give him what he wants, he lets up on you.
Kim: Wow, my knight in shining armor. That is some sacrifice, quitting a job that you've been trying to tank since day one.
Jimmy: That's not true.
Kim: I dig myself out of this hole. You do your job, Jimmy. Prove you can go one week— hell, one day without breaking the rules of the New Mexico Bar Association or pissing off your boss. And don't insult my intelligence by saying you are doing any of this for me. You don't save me. I save me.

Chuck: Jimmy ever tell you anything about our father?
Kim: Not much, no.
Chuck: My dad – our dad – he was the personification of good. I'm not sure he could even see sin, in any form. Like he was born without the gene. He ran a little corner store in Cicero. Cigarettes behind the counter, penny candy. Nothing special, but it kept food on the table. And the neighborhood loved Dad. He knew everybody's name, what was going on in their lives. Just a little corner. He made it better. I was named after him. Before that, he worked for a lot of people over the years and his dream was to be his own boss. Put everything he had into that place. I was away at college when he put Jimmy to work there. Jimmy grew up in that store, watching our father. But Dad was not the world's greatest businessman, and eventually he ran into money troubles. I had a clerkship at the time, but I came home to help him get his books in order. Set the ship straight. Now, I'm no accountant, but I discovered $14,000 was just gone. Vanished over the years. Turns out Jimmy had pilfered it in dribs and drabs, just took it out of the till. My dad wouldn't hear it. Nope, not his Jimmy. He ended up having to sell. Six months later, he was dead. At the funeral, no one cried harder than Jimmy. My brother is not a bad person. He has a good heart. It's just he can't help himself. And everyone's left picking up the pieces.

[Mike is sitting at a diner when Hector Salamanca walks in and approaches his booth.]
Hector: Mind if I join you?
[Hector sits across from Mike. Fran, the waitress, comes to the booth.]
Fran: Hi. What can I get you?
Hector: Coffee, black.
Fran: It's coming right up.
[Fran leaves. Hector observes the bruises on Mike's face left by Tuco.]
Hector: Mmm. He really did a number on you.
Mike: Sorry, I know you?
Hector: The young man who did that to you is my nephew. Hothead, always has been. He thinks he's a boxer. He should have shown you respect. I apologize to you on behalf of my family.
Mike: Apology accepted.
Hector: And you know what? He should go to jail. Best thing for him, teach him respect for his elders. But not for eight years. Less, much less.
[Fran comes back to pour Hector's coffee.]
Hector: You see where I'm getting at?
Mike: Not really.
Hector: The gun charge, that's eight years he's going away, maybe ten. Aggravated assault, the gun, plus he got your wallet.
Mike: That's right.
Hector: I would like for you to tell the police that the gun was yours.
Mike: Would you?
Hector: You both a little hot under the collar about whether you bump his car or not, but there was a scuffle and he got your gun.
Mike: My gun?
Hector: Your gun from your pocket, he got it and that's how his prints got on it.
Mike: Then I'd be subject to the gun charge.
Hector: You're an ex-cop. They go easy on you.
Mike: So you're a psychic.
Hector: I even twist Tuco's ear, make him apologize. And he serves for battery, nothing else. I'm looking for the best possible outcome for everybody. And, for your trouble, you take home $5,000.
[Hector rises from his seat, leaves a tip, and begins to walk away]
Hector: Think about it.

Bali Ha'i [2.06]Edit

[Mike is brought to the Salamanca hideout and put before Hector and the Cousins.]
Hector: Tomorrow, you go to the district attorney and you explain to him that my nephew's gun was yours. The DA will ask you why you didn't say anything before. You tell him you forgot, you were rattled. Make up anything you want, I don't give a shit. But it's your gun.
Mike: Let's discuss my payment.
Hector: Mm-mmm, that time is past. No five thousand for you.
Mike: The price is fifty.
Hector: How about the payment is you get to live?
Mike: Not enough.
Hector: Now you think you can negotiate with me? I say the word, my nephews go to a certain motel, pay a visit to your daughter-in-law and your little granddaughter. What do you think happens then? Consider your position carefully.
Mike: I get my money, or neither of us walk out of here.
[Mike reaches into his jacket, causing a reaction from the Cousins. Hector signals them to stand down.]
Hector: You're willing to die for this?
Mike: Maybe I need the fifty thousand more than you do.
[Hector chuckles]
Hector: [To Nacho, in Spanish] I told you, right? Giant balls. [To Mike, in English] How you manage to live so long with a mouth like that? Hmm? Fifty thousand, and the gun is yours.

Inflatable [2.07]Edit

Cliff: Excuse me, can I have everyone's attention please? Everyone can hear me? Good. Frankly, this is not a conversation I ever thought I would have in my professional career. But it's been brought to my attention that we have an ongoing situation in the washroom. Someone is not flushing. Once is an accident, maybe even twice. Three times, nah, it's a pattern.
Erin: And we're not talking about a number one.
Cliff: Yes, thank you, Erin. Now I'm not here to shame anyone, nor do I even want to know who did it. But–
Jimmy: Uh, Cliff, it was me.
Cliff: Jimmy, I just said I didn't want to know!
Jimmy: Hey, we need the water. I read somewhere the Santa Fe Watershed is down two full inches this year. Every time you flush a toilet, you waste a gallon of water. A gallon! What could be greener than this?
Cliff: They're low-flow toilets, Jimmy! From now on, flush!
Jimmy: That's... good, good thinking.

Cliff: You win.
Jimmy: What do I win?
Cliff: You're fired.
Jimmy: What? Cliff, if this is about the bagpipes-
Cliff: It's not about the bagpipes! Well, of course it's the bagpipes. It's the bagpipes and the not flushing and this-this optical migraine you call a business suit. It's about- (sighs) It's about keeping your bonus, that's what this is about. Been brushing up on your contract law, haven't you? You want out of here, clearly, but you can't just up and quit and expect to keep your bonus, and if I fire you for cause, like I should've done for the TV commercial, no bonus. However, if I fire you not for cause, but for being an all-around jackass...yeah, hooray for you.
Jimmy: If you think there's been some malfeasance here...
Cliff: Oh, save it. I could fight you on this, but you're not worth my time. I'd rather have you gone.
Jimmy: ...well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll just uh, pack up.
Cliff: First, do me the favor of not treating me like a fool for once; tell me, how exactly did we mistreat you? What did I do to deserve this kind of behavior? We gave you opportunities, encouraged you to excel, got you a car, an apartment- hell, that cocobolo desk? Do you see a desk like that in here? You never gave this a chance. Why?
Jimmy: I tried to make it work. Really, I did. I'm just... a square peg.
Cliff: If you knew that, why did you take the job?!
[beat]
Jimmy: I'm sorry. (turns to leave Cliff's office) How much was the desk?
Cliff: Seven thousand dollars.
Jimmy: I'll write you a check.
Cliff: Fine, for whatever good that does. Take your desk and get out.
Jimmy: ...hey, Cliff. For what's it's worth? I think you're a good guy.
Cliff: For what it's worth, I think you're an asshole.

[Jimmy is proposing Kim join him as a partner in their own law firm]
Kim: If we're gonna be law partners, I need to know one thing: what kind of lawyer are you going to be? I don't mean what kind of law are you gonna practice, I mean...are you gonna play it straight? Or are you going to be...colorful?
Jimmy: I'm going to play it straight, right down the line! I'm gonna dot every 'i', and I'm gonna cross every-
[Jimmy stops and looks at Marco's ring]
Jimmy: There's no point in me doing this if I can't be myself. Every time I try to do things someone else's way, it blows up in my face. That's what happened at Davis and Main; look how that turned out. I almost derailed your career, pissed everyone off. I've been trying to be the person someone else wants me to be for...who knows how long. At first it was Chuck, then it was you and that's not your fault. That was my choice, but if we're going to do this? I'm gonna go into it as me. So, yeah...colorful, I guess.

Fifi [2.08]Edit

[Jimmy, his camera crew, and what appears to be an elderly veteran in a wheelchair meet with an Air Force captain in front of the "FIFI" B-29 Superfortress]
Jimmy: Major Theodore "Fudge" Talbot. His mom used to deliver him care packages of fudge during the war and then share them with his friends. So that's the story, right guys?
Camera Guy: Yes.
Sound Guy: Yes.
Captain Bauer: Well sir, this must certainly bring back some memories for you.
"Fudge": [mumbles]
Jimmy: Too many to count, he says.
Captain Bauer: I got to say, Major Talbot, it's a privilege. So thank you for your service.
"Fudge": [mumbles]
Jimmy: He says you're welcome.
Captain Bauer: Oh. Well, um, boy. [to camera crew] I envy you guys. I mean, the stories you must have heard. You remember any good ones?
Camera Guy: Uh, bombing stuff.
Sound Guy: Bombing stuff.
Camera Guy: Bombing stuff.
Sound Guy: Like, like the war.
Captain Bauer: Did he fly over the Hump, or did he take off out of India?
[Jimmy grabs Fudge's shoulder and makes him feign a cough]
Jimmy: Doing okay? You need some water?
[Fudge nods]
Jimmy: Yes. Yes, sir. Nuts, I forgot his water.
Captain Bauer: Oh, hey. I can run back to the office, get him a bottle.
Jimmy: You could? Fudge, the captain's going to run back to his office, get you some water. Okay, sir?
"Fudge": [mumbles]
Jimmy: All right, that's great. There's no rush, he'll be fine.
Captain Bauer: I'll be back ASAP.
[Captain Bauer runs across the airfield. After he's gone, Jimmy and the camera crew begin removing Fudge's breathing apparatus.]
Jimmy: [to Fudge] I thought I told you not to say anything. Go stand by the front...nose, whatever.
[Jimmy and Fudge stand in front of "FIFI" while the camera crew sets up their equipment to shoot Jimmy's commercial]
Camera Guy: Where the hell did you find this guy? You couldn't get a real war hero?
Jimmy: Yeah, like they grow on trees. So this guy owes me. I defended him a while back when he couldn't pay.
Camera Guy: Defend him for what?
Jimmy: You want to be a lawyer when you grow up? Just fix the—
"Fudge": Public masturbation. Total bullshit.

Chuck: Don't worry. I'm not here to extol the virtues of HHM. I'm guessing you've already had to suffer through Howard's hard sell first time around. So you've done your time, as far as I'm concerned.
Howard: What hard sell? It was enthusiasm. I gave them cookies.
Kevin: Cookies were good, as I recall.
Chuck: No, I'm here to put your minds at ease. Kim Wexler is, indeed, the right choice to handle Mesa Verde. She's the obvious choice. She's young, she's brilliant, she's going places. Let's face it, Howard. She's the future. Two old guys like us, we're the past.
Howard: Well, that's a sad thought.
Chuck: Sad but true. [sighs] Banking law... needs to be exciting. It needs the next generation to come along and give it a big, old kick in the seat of the pants. Really wake it up. Let me tell you how boring I am. I read FEC and ISO reports for entertainment.
Howard: He does. I can attest to that.
Chuck: Well, I try to stay up on things. The rules are changing all the time. With everything that's happened with Enron and WorldCom, the government is extra vigilant. These days, the penalties for even the most honest of errors can be devastating. You need a sharp, young eye to catch that stuff. I mean, when you've specialized in this kind of work for decades on end, you tend to get kinda...
Howard: Stale.
Chuck: Stale. You get stale. You forget about things like, oh, I don't know, the Community Reinvestment Act. Any bank such as Mesa Verde looking to open a de novo branch is definitely going to need to show a healthy portfolio of CRA compliance. Duh. [chuckles] Obviously, you guys have all that covered, I'm sure. Riegle-Neal Interstate Banking and Branching Efficiency Act... there's another mouthful, huh? Boring! Still, if you were to run afoul of it, it could hold you up in court for years. And by the way, uh, if that were to happen to you folks as you go forward without us – which it will not – um, Howard has contacts at the Fed who could help sort things out.
Howard: One or two.
Chuck: Mm-hmm. And then there's the SEC's interpretation of Section 302 of Sarbox. Blah, blah, blah. [chuckles]
Howard: Well, navigating that correctly could mean savings of several hundred thousand dollars.
Chuck: They know that, Howard. Oh, I apologize. When you reach your golden years, you tend to get a little long-winded, ramble on and on about details. My point being, your bank is in excellent hands.
Kevin: Look, I take your point. I do. But I have to say, I have complete confidence in Ms. Wexler.
Chuck: You should. She was part of our team. She learned from us. You won't find better than Kim Wexler. But no matter how talented one individual may be, the needs of Mesa Verde are too big to handle alone. I wouldn't handle your coming expansion alone. Which is why you should consider, once again, enlisting a team of professionals.

[Jimmy gives direction to Fudge as his crew shoots the commercial in front of "FIFI"]
Jimmy: You're part of the Greatest Generation. You fought the Nazis.
"Fudge": Fought the Japanese.
Jimmy: What?
"Fudge": Fought Japanese. I fought the Japanese. This machine was used in the Pacific, where the Japanese are.
Jimmy: Why don't you shut up and learn to take some direction?
"Fudge": [indignant] ...Japanese.
Jimmy: All right, fine. You fought all the...dirty...Axis Powers.

Nailed [2.09]Edit

[Chuck, Howard, Kevin, and Paige are appearing before the Banking Board to get approval to open Mesa Verde's new bank]
Chuck: Mr. Commissioner? Is there something we can clarify?
Mr. Ughetta's Assistant: Uh, yes. Could you give us the address of the proposed Scottsdale branch again?
Chuck: Certainly. It's 1216 Rosella Drive, Scottsdale, Arizona, 85262.
Mr. Ughetta: 1216? Okay, because the application I'm looking at today clearly gives the address as 1216.
Chuck: 1216. That's correct, sir.
Mr. Ughetta: But in the original submission, we're seeing 1261 Rosella Drive.
Kevin: [to Chuck] It is 1261.
Paige: 1261.
Chuck: [ignoring them] I think if you double-check, you'll see that 1216 is correct.
Mr. Ughetta's Assistant: There seem to be two different addresses here.
Paige: Mr. Commissioner, I have a copy of our notice of intent, which was published in newspapers in Arizona and New Mexico. It clearly states the address is 1261 Rosella Drive—
Chuck: Mr.–Mr. Commissioner, it-it–
Mr. Ughetta: 1261 Rosella Drive. Yes, I have a copy of the notice of intent too. But on the actual filing, the address reads 1216. So, which is it?
[beat]
Chuck: Mr. Commissioner, if I may confer with my clients?
Mr. Ughetta: Certainly, please.
Paige: [to Chuck] It's absolutely 1261.
Chuck: You are mistaken. And with all due respect, you're muddying the waters here.
Paige: Muddying the wat-?! [hands documents to Chuck] Look. Just look!
Chuck: Well, this is clearly an error.
Kevin: It's 1261. I know where my own damn bank is.
Howard: Now, let's just all calm down. I'm sure we can straighten this out—
Kevin: I've got a building remodeled at 1261 Rosella. I don't know where the hell 1216 is.
Chuck: I—I don't quite unders...[realizes] 1261?
Paige: 1261.
Kevin: Is this going to be a problem?
Howard: No, I'm sure it won't be.
Chuck: Um, Mr. Commissioner, I apologize. Unaccountably, there appears to be a discrepancy in our filing.
Mr. Ughetta: So the correct address is the one that appeared in the notice of intent, the 1261?
Chuck: It would seem so. Uh, it-it-it— we'd like to request an–an adjournment of just a few minutes so that we can amend the filing to reflect the correct address.
Mr. Ughetta: Well, I-I can give you an adjournment, uh, but...I don't think we can get you back in today.
Paige: If I may, when do you think you might be able to schedule us?
Mr. Ughetta: I'm being told by staff that they've already done the research for 1216 Rosella Drive. Our folks are going to have to go back to square one on the new address.
Chuck: If we could obtain a provisional agreement today, to allow the branch to open—
Mr. Ughetta: No, no. With all due respect, it's up to you folks to submit accurate paperwork. Maybe next time, double-check.

[Chuck is sitting in the living room when Jimmy and Kim come by to pick up the Mesa Verde files]
Jimmy: So Chuck, what's the deal with the locks?
Chuck: Kim, I was hoping to have this conversation with you and you alone. However, I guess it's time to clear the air once and for all.
Kim: Clear the air about what?
Chuck: [looks at Jimmy] He sabotaged me.
Jimmy: [feigning ignorance] Why, what are you-
Chuck: Please. Don't bother. You and I both know exactly what I'm talking about.
Jimmy: I don't.
Chuck: Yesterday morning was the worst professional humiliation of my life. A single transpositional error cost my client time and money, and permanently damaged my reputation. Then I realized, it wasn't an error. Not at all. A week ago last night, I was right there on that couch, barely conscious. And Jimmy showed up... [stands up from his chair] ...and he sent Ernesto away. My brother was going to take care of me. And in the dead of night, he went through my Mesa Verde files.
Jimmy: All right, you know what? We don't have to listen to this-
Chuck: She does! [to Kim] You do, for your own good. [taps his hand on the Mesa Verde file boxes] And in these files are thirteen documents containing the address of Mesa Verde's proposed branch – 1261 Rosella Drive, Scottsdale, Arizona. Jimmy pulled each and every one. And he left me here, sweating and delirious, while he went off to doctor them. You'd need a photocopier for that. Where'd you go, some all-night copy shop? [Jimmy scoffs] With a little careful cutting and pasting, he created duplicates, virtually identical to my originals but with one key change: 1261 Rosella Drive became 1216 Rosella Drive.
Jimmy: This is sounding like a lot of work.
Chuck: No one ever accused you of being lazy. Every other sin in the book, but not that one. [to Kim] And if you're wondering if Jimmy's up to a little casual forgery, you should know in high school, he had a thriving business making fake IDs so his buddies could buy beer.
Jimmy: You're gonna go all the way back to high school, huh?
Chuck: Hey, you and Mozart, huh? You both started young. He came back here and put his new versions in my files. And then, the next day, my caring brother took his leave. He knew that I would use his modified documents to write Mesa Verde's submission to the state regulator. And so I did, over and over. I typed "1216" instead of "1261". I remembered thinking, "1216 Rosella Drive. That's just one year after 1215, the year the Magna Carta was signed."
Jimmy: Jesus, Chuck, you are unbelievable. So you're saying, if we look in [your files] here, all the addresses will be wrong?
Chuck: Well of course you weren't gonna leave evidence behind. I'm guessing, yesterday morning, you waited until I left, then used your key to let yourself in, and returned the originals. No crime is complete without the cover-up.
Jimmy: Oh, come on! I did this, what, for some business?
Chuck: [to Kim] He did it for you. [long pause] Oh, I'm sure you didn't know anything about it. I believe he went off on his own and did this as some kind of twisted romantic gesture.
Jimmy: Chuck, I think you need to lie down with a cold washcloth on your head.
Chuck: [to Kim; continued] And now that you know, you have no choice. This is about a client. A client who has been defrauded. As a sworn officer of the court, as Mesa Verde's attorney of record, you have no recourse but to go to Kevin Wachtell and make a full disclosure.
Jimmy: This-this whole song and dance is all about getting his client back. That's all this is.
Chuck: Not in the least. If knowing the truth, they still go with you–
Jimmy: You can't stand the fact that they chose her over you.
Chuck: [exasperated] I can't stand the fact that my own brother stabbed me in the back! I can't stand the fact that you've deceived and ruined this fine young woman!
Jimmy: Ruined?! What is this, the 1840s? What are you talking about? She's not ruined–
Kim: Jimmy. [beat; Chuck and Jimmy look at Kim] If what you're saying is true, Jimmy could be charged with forgery. Fraud. Falsifying evidence. Even breaking and entering.
Chuck: Frankly, I am sick about this. But facts are facts.
Kim: ...And what is your evidence?
Chuck: My evidence? My evidence is knowing my brother for his entire life.
Kim: Chuck, I think there is another explanation. It's a simpler one: you made a mistake.
Chuck: I did not.
Kim: You're working by lantern light, squinting over 10-point type for hour after hour. Mistakenly changing "1261" to "1216" would be the most natural thing in the world. It could certainly happen to me.
Chuck: I did not make a mistake!
Kim: I believe you did.
Chuck: Look, I understand that you have great affection for Jimmy! A great many people do! But please open your eyes here!
Kim: You made a mistake. And instead of just facing up to it, you accuse your brother of plotting against you. You come up with this elaborate scheme–
Chuck: He's capable of this! You know he is!
Kim: I know he's not perfect. And I know he cuts corners. But you're the one who made him this way. He idolizes you, he accepts you, he takes care of you, and all he ever wanted was your love and support. But all you've ever done is judge him. You never believed in him, you never wanted him to succeed. [beat] And you know what? I feel sorry for him. [beat] And I feel sorry for you.

[Mike meets with Nacho at their usual place]
Nacho: I've got something I need to know, and I need to know it fast.
Mike: What's that?
Nacho: We got hit the other day. A truck headed south got hijacked. Someone stole a quarter of a million. Now Hector's flippin' out, lookin' for who did it. Thing is... I think it was you. They left the driver hog-tied, not a mark on him. Anyone in the game woulda capped him without a second thought. But this driver? He's still breathin'. I thought to myself, who's the guy who'll rip off a couple hundred thousand in drug money and leave a witness? Who's the guy ‭who won't pull the trigger? You. I'm not here to squeeze you. You wanna rip off the cartel, that's your business. But here's the thing. I'm picking up that driver, Hector's orders. We're gonna see what he knows, and if he knows you, that's bad for both of us.
Mike: That shouldn't concern you.
Nacho: But he was in on it, right?
Mike: The driver ‭had nothing to do with it.
Nacho: Then who?
Mike: Just me.
Nacho: You're telling me you did this without someone on the inside? Not possible. How did you know about the truck? How do you know about the tires?
Mike: All I can tell you is, you guys aren't half as smart as you think you are.
Nacho: So the driver doesn't know anything?
Mike: Not a thing.
Nacho: He hear your voice?‭
Mike: No. ‭
Nacho: Right now, Hector's looking at the competition, but he hears the driver say it was some old gringo...
Mike: He didn't hear me. He saw a guy with a ski mask, that's it.
Nacho: And you're sure of that?
Mike: Yeah.
Nacho: You better be right. [starts to walk away]
Mike: Why wasn't it in the papers?
Nacho: What?
Mike: The truck robbery, the cops keeping it out of the papers?
Nacho: The cops? The cops don't know shit about it.
Mike: How's that?
Nacho: Is that what this is about? You wanted to put the cops onto Hector? Why? You are nothing to him. He forgot all about you.
Mike: I haven't forgotten him.

[Chuck and Ernesto visit the copy shop where Jimmy forged the Mesa Verde documents. Lance, the night clerk, has just been bribed by Jimmy to deny that he was there]
Lance: When the guy [Ernesto] showed me the picture, I thought maybe. But now that I'm seeing it again... ah, sorry, don't know what to tell you. Guess I was wrong.
Chuck: Son, listen carefully. I am an officer of the court investigating a felony.
Lance: So you're a cop.
Chuck: No, no I'm not. I-I-I'm a...
Ernesto: Mr. McGill, maybe we better get you home.
Chuck: Ernesto, do not speak to me as if I were a child. I'm fine.
[Chuck begins to be affected by his electromagnetic hypersensitivity]
Chuck: [to Lance] I am not a police officer. I am an attorney. And I have a moral and legal obligation to get to the bottom of this matter.
Lance: The bottom of what?
Chuck: Forgery. Fraud. Falsifying evidence...
[Chuck's electromagnetic hypersensitivity becomes worse]
Chuck: ...Breaking and entering.
Lance: [to Ernesto] This guy, is he okay?
Chuck: There's nothing wrong with me!
Ernesto: Mr. McGill, maybe we should just take a break and—
Chuck: Ernie, shut up! [to Lance] You think about the choice you're making!
Lance: I already told you he wasn't here. What do you want me to say?
Chuck: I want you to speak the truth! I know he was here! I know what he did! Tell me what you told Ernesto! Stop trying to change your story!
Customer: Excuse me, sorry. How do we get this to do 11x14?
Chuck: [to Customer] No, excuse me, we are having a conversation here!
Lance: [to Customer] You have to switch it to tray four, it's easier if I show you. [to Chuck] Look... Dude, okay. I-I don't want any problems here, so just... [Lance leaves the counter; to Ernesto] Get him out of here or I'm going to call the cops, okay?
Chuck: Do not walk away from me! We are not finished here!
Lance: I am done talking to you, man!
[Chuck tries to walk after Lance, but is overcome by the electromagnetic fields. He passes out and falls down, hitting his head on the counter.]

Klick [2.10]Edit

[Jimmy sits with Chuck in his living room, which has been covered in Mylar tarps and duct tape]
Jimmy: What if I told you you didn't make a mistake?
Chuck: For Christ's sakes, Jimmy. Stop humoring me. Stop trying to talk everything right.
Jimmy: I ratfucked you. It was me. I would have made Nixon proud. I changed 1261 to 1216. It was me. It all went down exactly like you said. I mean, exactly. I doctored the copies, I paid the kid at the shop to lie for me. It is insane how you got every detail exactly right. So you can relax, okay? 'Cause that brain of yours is chugging along at a thousand percent efficiency.
Chuck: Are you telling the truth? Or are you just trying to make me feel better?
Jimmy: I am saying it to make you feel better. Sure as shit wouldn't be telling you otherwise. But yes, it's the truth.
Chuck: [angry] You'd go to such lengths to humiliate me?
Jimmy: I did it for Kim! Wha– She worked her butt off to get Mesa Verde while you and Howard sat around sipping scotch and chortling! Hamlin Hamlin McGill? More like Scrooge and Marley! Kim deserves Mesa Verde, not you, not HHM! She earned it and she needs it! I did it to help her. But I honestly didn't think it would hurt you so bad. I thought you'd just say, "Oh crap, I made a mistake," and go on with your life like a normal person! But oh no, wishful thinking!
[Long pause]
Jimmy: So can I, uh, tell Howard you're not quitting or retiring or whatever?
[Chuck nods]
Jimmy: And can we take all this shit down off the walls?
[Chuck doesn't respond. Jimmy starts to leave.]
Jimmy: I'm going to go call Howard.
Chuck: Jimmy.
[Jimmy stops]
Chuck: You do realize you just confessed to a felony?
Jimmy: I guess. But you feel better, right? Besides, it's your word against mine.
[Jimmy leaves the room, after which Chuck uses a pair of tongs to uncover and shut off an audiotape recorder.]

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