- Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
- Hey, these aren't my rules! Come to think of it, I don't have any rules!
- I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
- YOU BUNCHA LOSERS!!! YOU'RE WORKING WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE!!! (kicks over a tree; quietly observes it for a moment) NICE FUCKING MODEL!!! (grabs his crotch and squeezes it twice with a bike horn sound)
- And that, is why I won't do two shows a night anymore babe, I won't.
- Well...what do we got here tonight, kids? [Sees the Maitlands] Oooo, well, we got the, uh, Maitlands. Uh, I think, uh, they've had enough "exorcise" for tonight. [Mimes a golf swing, the Maitlands collapse]
- [To Otho] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs.
- We come for your daughter, Chuck.
- Nobody says the "B" word.
- It's showtime!
- [calmly] Ah, well, I attended Julliard, I am a graduate of the Harvard Business School, I travel quite extensively, I lived through the Black Plague and I had a pretty good time during that, [getting aggressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [calmly] You think I'm qualified?
- [After his head spins] Don't you hate it when that happens?
- I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow, so come on down and I'll... Chew on a dog! (howls)
- [Reading Obituary] Ooh La La, What do we got here? The Maitlands [Laughs] Cute couple, Look nice and stupid too! [more laughing]
- [About her stepmother, Delia] She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
- My whole life is a darkroom. [Slowly, for effect] One. Big. Dark. Room.
- I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
- I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!
- Don't mind her. She's still upset that someone dropped a house on her sister.
- Delia: I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?
- Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
- Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?
- Charles: Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
- Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.
- Delia: So you were miserable in the city, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
- Adam: For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?
- Beetlejuice: [refined voice] Ah, well... I attended Julliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified?
- Adam: Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?
- Beetlejuice: Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?
- (shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)
- Beetlejuice: [back to normal] You like it?
- Dumb Football Player #1: Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?
- Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived.
- Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
- Juno: Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
- [they come back into the office later]
- Dumbest Football Player: Coach?
- Juno: What?
- Dumbest Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.
- Juno: How did you guess?
- Lydia: [On the new house] Delia hates it. [sees a HUGE spider on a web] I could live here.
- Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Go help your mother.
- Lydia: Maybe *you* can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
- Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
- Delia: Charles...
- Otho: Why not?
- Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
- Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
- Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
- Lydia: Of course I can see you.
- Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
- Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
- Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
- Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
- Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
- Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
- Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
- Lydia: Are you a ghost too?
- Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.
- Beetlejuice: Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, 'cause I gotta tell you: this dead thing is- [Picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and but it's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering could you help me get out of here?
- Lydia: [Sighing sadly] I want to get in.
- Beetlejuice: [Confused] ...why?
- Adam: You've read our book?
- Lydia: Yeah.
- Adam: You can follow it?
- Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
- Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.
- Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
- Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
- Adam: We're ghosts!
- Lydia: What do you look like under there?
- Adam: Aren't you scared?
- Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
- Adam: Night of the what?
- Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
- Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
- Juno: What's wrong?
- Barbara: We're very unhappy.
- Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.
- From an art perspective, I don't know how you get better than Beetlejuice. In terms of originality and a look, it's 100% unique.
- I won't name names here, but I worked at Universal Studios at the time. I was director of development for the director Walter Hill. I had a very good relationship with a very prominent executive at Universal. He liked me, and he liked what I was doing with Walter, and the material I was bringing in.
- I gave him Beetlejuice to read, and I gave it to him on a Friday, and on Monday his assistant called me and said well, he wants to meet with you. My initial reaction was wow! He'd read it. He must have loved it or he wouldn't have wanted to see me so soon. But I went into his office, and he literally said 'what are you doing with your career?'
- 'This piece of weirdness, this is what you're going to go out into the world with? You're developing into a very good executive. You've got great taste in material. Why are you going to squander all that for this piece of shit', was basically what he was saying. It goes to show, right? Shortly after that, we sold it to the Geffen Company.
- Shortly after that, we sold it to the Geffen Company, but again without getting into names and finger-pointing - and it certainly wasn't David Geffen - we worked with an executive before Tim truly became attached, for a long year. We did draft after draft after draft. And Michael and I felt by the end of that process that we'd ruined the script. It was very demoralising.
- Then Tim got attached, and he went through his own battles, certainly. But the beauty of it was that we somehow got back to the essence of the first draft, which is what Tim had read that had got him excited in the first place. That isn't always the case that the first draft is your own favourite draft, but in this case it was. It turned into an amazing development success story in that regard, that we got back to what the original intention was.
- Larry Wilson 
- In This House... If You've Seen One Ghost... You Haven't Seen Them All.
- He's guaranteed to put some life, in your afterlife.
- Say it once... Say it twice... But we dare you to say it THREE TIMES!
- The name in laughter from the hereafter.