- I am the Devil! Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness! Well, the Princess of darkness, anyway...
- Do you think your mommy and daddy just made me up so you'd be a good boy?
- It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of Evil you know.
- Do you have $3.47? I've left my purse in the Underworld.
- Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling little soul?
- Nobody gets it totally right, right away. That's why you get seven wishes!
- There's no point fighting about this. You have to learn to accept the inevitable. We are all doomed anyway.
- See you in HELL!
- Yes, there's a God. Most men think they're God, this one just happens to be right.
- Oh I think you'll change your mind. I'm just going to slip into something a little more terrifying. See you in Hell!
- Look Elliot, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The whole good and evil thing, you know, Him and me, it really comes down to you. You don't have to look very hard for Heaven and Hell. They're right here on Earth. You make the choice. And I guess you just made yours.
- [holding Big Mac and Coke; sarcastically] This truly is the work of the devil.
- I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a hamburger!
- HOLA! MUCHO GUSTO! Me llamo Elliot! Hola Juan. Hola Esteban. Donde esta es la bibleoteca? Esta es la casa de mi tia.
- No gracias, Soy alérgico a los crustáceos.
- Qué me decís?....Me hiciste venir hasta aquí para decirme que esteee... cómo se llama? se robó una libra de azúcar, harina o cosas juntas...? Qué es eso...? [spits] Ay! ES COCAÍNA!, COCAÍNA! ...OH, Mierda! Soy un Narcotraficante Colombiano.
- Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea.
- You know, there's no "I" in the word team. And this is a team effort. And I just wanna say that I'm real proud to be associated with these fine individuals that I h-have the pleasure of working with.
- Ah... well, you know, you go out there and you give a 110%, and you wanna play good, and, you know, you hope you play good... I think we played pretty good tonight!
- Damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!
- I'm gay. Well, thanks for dropping by.
- Yeah, and you turned me into a flaming homosexual!
- I really don't want another wish.
- Well, um, last night when I was lying in jail, I was talking to this guy, I realized that wishing just doesn't work. All my life I wished to be better looking, to be richer, to be successful, talented, whatever. And I always thought, "Wouldn't it be great if someone could just wave a magic wand and make that happen?" Well I realized that it doesn't work by magic.
- I've been starting to think that it really isn't important how far we go in life anyway. It's how we get there that really matters.
- [To the Devil] Well, to tell you the truth, you've been the best friend I ever had.
- Elliot Richards: I think you're hot.
- The Devil: Baby, you've got no idea...
- The Devil: You're so nervous, Elliot.
- Elliot Richards: How do you know my name?
- The Devil: I'm psychic. Plus it's on your name tag.
- The Devil: It's [your soul] like your appendix. You'll never even miss it.
- Elliot: Oh, yeah? If it's so useless, how come you want it so much?
- The Devil: Oh, aren't you the clever one?
- The Devil: Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit cooperation, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit.
- Elliot Richards: Seven? Why not eight?
- The Devil: Why not six? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.
- Elliot: I wish to be the most sensitive man in the world. Oh, wait! I wish I were the most emotionally sensitive man in the world.
- The Devil: Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't catch that. I could've had a lot of fun with that one.
- Elliot Richards: Oh, yeah. You've been a really big help so far.
- The Devil: I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I? Maybe a good spanking's in order?
- Elliot Richards: Is that all you ever think about? Do you think everything is about sex?
- The Devil: No, of course not! I mean, there's greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, vanity, envy...
- [the Devil is reading Allison's diary]
- Elliot Richards: You can't read that, that's private stuff!
- The Devil: You're telling me, listen to this. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life. I never did get any of the guys' names, but I brought them back home and all five of them banged me like a Salvation Army drum".
- Elliot Richards: What?
- The Devil: Kidding.
- Inmate: What are you in for, brother?
- Elliot: Eternity.
- Inmate: Oooh. You must've done some really bad shit.
- Elliot: The worst— I sold my soul.
- Inmate: Well, I hope you got something good for it.
- Elliot: Actually, I got nothing for it.
- Inmate: Sounds like a really bad deal, if you ask me.
- Elliot: [glances over] I'm not asking you.
- Inmate: Doesn't matter. You can't sell your soul. It doesn't really belong to you in the first place. No way, no how.
- Elliot: Is that so? Then who does it belong to?
- Inmate: [looks straight at Elliot] It belongs to God: that universal spirit that animates and binds all things in existence. The Devil's gonna try and confuse you, but that's her gig. In the end, you're gonna see clear to who you are and what you're here to do. Now, you're gonna make some mistakes along the way. Everybody does. But if you just open up your heart, and open up your mind, you'll get it.
- Elliot: Who are you?
- Inmate: Just a friend brother. Just a really good friend.
- You've got seven wishes. Choose carefully.
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