BattleBlock Theater is a 2013 video game.
Chapter 1: Betrayed By Hatty!Edit
- Narrator: Good evening boys and girls... Ladies, (Mmmmm-tk-tk) and gentlemen. Turn the lights down low and shut your faces, as I wrap you in the cozy blanket of a story. A story as heart warming and soft as a mother's kiss, or is it? Shhhhh… Once upon a time there was a boat, now this wasn't just any boat children. It was a ship! A ship full of friends, hundreds of friends, best friends one and all! A veritable friend ship it was… Get it? But it wouldn't be very ladylike of me not to mention the most noteworthy friend on board, Hatty Hattington. Say HI t Hatty! Hatty was like king friend of friendship kingdom, best friend to one and all, and the walking definition of "handsome gentlemen!" Now one fine morning, Hatty and pals set out for a new, exciting adventure. What fantastic wonders will they discover this time? Perhaps they'd come across a scary ghost ship. Perhaps they'd find an island made entirely of candy! Perhaps they'd meet a band of scary, swashbuckling pirates and join forces to find an island made entirely of candy! Who knew? But it didn't matter… So long as they were together, there were smiles to be had and adventures to be shared. Now today t'was a day like any other adventure-y day, spirits were uncrushably high, everyone was singing and dancing and having a jolly time! When suddenly the ocean was all like "SURPRISE!" and a huge, massive storm brewed out of nowhere! *Whooooosh Wwohsoooh Woooshsbmlmba* Boy, that was quick! *Woooshlmvmhem* And there was thunder, BOOM! And the lightning, BOOM! And the wind, BOO—*wusohsoshshushush...* And like that, it was over... "Is everyone okay?" said Hatty, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost even one of you!", Hatty continued. But the eye of the storm is very misleading children, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT! Because the ocean was all like "SIKE!" and it came back even bigger this time, twice as big! *Wshoooshoooshooo* As if Poseidon himself extended his hand in friendship and they spat in his mouth!… *Wsho-shuubrbrbrbbrbljusjusjs* Boy he was pis— he was mad! *shoo-weshooumshooo* And the rain came down like a shower of bullets, ahhh ahhh!… and the floorboards were buckling and creaking and breaking and pieces of their ship were raining down like shards of broken dreams, and then Reginald comes upstairs and he's all like...
- Reginald: I say gentlemen, I do believe we’re in quite a spot of bother!
- Narrator: And everyone was like...
- Rigill: REALLY?! What tipped you off genius?!
- Narrator: And then Hatty was all like,
- Hatty: Hey be nice!
- Narrator: *Whoosh-oosh oosh oosh!* Huge giant waves thrashed the boat to and fro, fro and to, Carelessly sprinkling friend after friend into the cold, unforgiving abyss of the deep, dark ocean, everyone was screaming like, "HELP ME!" Splash! Splash! Then there was this huge whale like, "Mwwahhhh!" made it super scary. And I think there was a shark… *Woosh-woosh* Yup, there he is! Oh God! And then Hatty was all like, "Hold onto your butts, Land Ho!" And then Bang! Bang-Bang! Smash! A shipwreck! As told by their fate books of fate… and while it seems like the end, this is only the beginning of a fantastic journey for the brave crew of the S.S Friend-ship!
- Narrator: What a strange, mysterious island! And what's this? The shore is riddled with little friend sized footprints! Guess the tide brought them to land! How utterly CONVENIENT! But where have they gotten to? Who knows? I don't! Do you? I don't! Do you? I don't! Do-WELCOME TO BATTLEBLOCK THEATER! Go inside... the door!
- Narrator: Hmmm... Maybe our friends came in here, to tske shelter from the rain! That's smart! But jeez,what a gloomy place! Ever heard of spring cleaning?
- Narrator: Oh happy, it's Hatty! And look! He's Made some wonderful new friends Oooh, and they got him a present! How thoughful! Hey wait a second! I don't think was a present! Ahhh! Those guys aren't wonderful new friends are they? Just... stay hidden and keep quiet! They haven't seen you yet! OH NO! THEY see you! Clench your butt! This isn't gonna be good!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT wasn't good! That wasn't goood at all!
- Narrator: You sure know how to make the best of a confusing and hopeless situation. But boy, this place is QUITE the enigma wouldn't you say? I would! And you know, a little warning would have been nice. You know, before they threw us head first into this gladiatorial, prisony place. With its perilous melody of twisted stage productions that shreds the silky fabric which weaves together the fragile blanket of sanity that keeps us sane. But you know, whatever… Either way it's safe to say we're in quite a pickle jar here! We gotta rescue our friends and get back to Mr. Boat! I mean, they'd do the same for you, and adventuring just wouldn't be the same without... I dunno, THIS guy! Best chef in ALL the land! Food so stupid delicious, one taste would blow your face through the back of your head. Like BANG, SPLAT! And who could forget this quirky fellow? Ya know, he owns a bat farm back home, and his lifelong dream is breed a terrifying race of SUPER-BATS! None of which makes any sense of course, because he's absolutely terrified of bats. And this lovely lass always tells the BEST bedtime stories, HANDS-DOWN! Plus, she always smells like chocolate, so that's good! And then there's this guy and this... handsome fellow and.. that.. thing.. dheshu All your best friends, IMPRISONED! And they don't like it very much because it's BAD and HORRIBLE! And then there's Hatty, the best friend of all. Why did he stab us in the back and twist the blade? I mean, just this morning he gave everyone flowers and presents. And now he goes out of our way to hurt our feelings? Oh, I think not - you can't fool me! Hatty would NEVER betrayal us! B-betray us, NEVER! Something fishy is going on around here AND I THINK I DON'T LIKE IT RIGHT NOW AT ALL! It's must have something to do with that scary albeit fashionable hat! Sure looks evil... I mean it's glowing red and stuff. Glowy red stuff is always bad. Everybody knows that! So what dangerous treats lie in store as we continue to unravel this treacherous sweater? I don't know.. But use caution! As you continue your galant endeavor! Don't, don't like fail and die and stuff, CAUSE IT'S ALL UP TO YOU NOW! Wh- Why'd it, Why'd it do that? That was... that was scary.
Chapter 2: I Wont Leave Him BehindEdit
- Narrator: Way to bite the bullet so far! You don't even complain about the prison food. Which is shocking. Because that stuff tastes like doo-doo casserole! With a side of butt-salad! But best of all your riveting performances have the theater bursting at the seams with excited patrons! And with all this extra cash you're raking in, the theater afford some serious improvements and really start beefing up these horrifying shows of murdery death to appease the fickle crowd. So... so, so that's... good? And what's the deal with hatty? He just creepily looms around the theater all day... LOOK AT HIM LOOMING! It seems like he's been forcefully-forced to manage this place. Well it, looks that way... He just sorta' sits there, as productive as one can be. Yyyyep, living life to the fullest. WHOA, SLOW DOWN BUDDY! YES SIR! Fulla' salt and pep'! FULL OF PEE N' VINEGAR! OVERFLOWING WITH YOUTHFUL ENERGY, SAY SOMETHING HATTY! OWLALAWOLELOUA!!!!!! CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?! (rim shot) Shut up! Ya know people really seem to be a precious and rare commodity in this strange part of the world. Seems our little boat wreck was a delicious gift from the heavens.. gods. And these strange cats are taking full advantage of us. What cruel fate left them to roam the grounds of this scary old theater. Desperately ruling these bleak premeses' with an iron fff- paw. And just how long have they been orchestrating this sinister scheme? I mean, avert your eyes, children, AVERT THEM! There's boney people skeletons everywhere! SCARY! Right? Now I'm no genius, but I definitely know how long it takes for a body to decompose, so this musta been going on for at least! W - Wait! scratch that, thing I said. ahem So do you possess the courage to soldier onward and uncover the mysterious mystery behind this grim world? Or will your hilarious death screams be drowned out by sounds of your own hilarious death screams? We shall see... We shall see... We shall see... Ya' see?