Barry (TV series)
Barry is an American dark comedy television series created by Alec Berg and Bill Hader. It stars Hader as the eponymous lead character, a Midwestern hitman who travels to Los Angeles to kill someone and then finds himself joining the local arts scene.
Chapter One: Make Your Mark [1.01]Edit
- Fuches: When you meet Goran, don't be afraid to sell yourself. Remember that liquor distributor in Canton, you stabbed in the nut? I think Goran's the kind of man, who would find something like that intriguing. So work it into the conversation, to make him aware that, you know, you'll go there.
- Barry: You wanna know what I'm good at? I'm good at killing people. You know, when I got back from Afghanistan I, ah, was really depressed. You know, like I didn't leave my house for months, and, ah, this friend of my dad's, he's, uh he's like an uncle to me. He, uh, he helped me out and he gave me a purpose. He told me that, that what I was good at over there could be useful here and, uh, it's a job, you know? Alright, the money's good, and, uh, these people I take out, like they're they're bad people, you know, like they're pieces of shit. Um... But lately, you know, I've like, I'm not sleeping and, ah, that depressed feeling's back, you know. Like, like I know there's more to me than that. Maybe, I don't know, maybe there's not. Maybe this is all I'm good at.
Chapter Two: Use It [1.02]Edit
- Barry: Siri, what is "off book"?
- Hitman: Freeze, cowboy.
- Siri: Showing two results for "off book freeze cowboy".
Chapter Three: Make the Unsafe Choice [1.03]Edit
Chapter Four: Commit...To You [1.04]Edit
- Cosineau: Barry, I gave you this monologue for a reason. To see if you were capable of playing a character with the mildest set of balls. You know, I'm starting to see a trend in your work, and it's disturbing, and it's this: You are deferential to every character in a scene except for yours! It's the way you read every scene. And if you're gonna be an actor, it's a big problem.
- Barry: Okay, listen. I guess what I just thought is that my guy was trying to help these other dudes achieve a goal, right? And if it was me, I would want them-
- Cosineau: You know what? That is so lovely. If it was you. Is that the way you see your life? As a human doormat?
- Barry: No.
- Cosineau: "No"? 'Cause that's all we've ever seen in here. And I'll bet you tits to donuts it's no different out there in the real world. You were in the service, right? Right? [Barry nods] Yeah, well, that makes sense, doesn't it? "Stand like this. Clean your gun. Swab the deck. Peel a potato." Barry, do you ever ask for what you need? Or do you just quietly feel shame at your own desires while sadly doing the bidding of others? "Dear Diary, today, I did what everybody else wanted me to do. Is that alright with you, Diary? Love, Barry." Is that the life you wanna lead? Look at me. Answer me.
- Barry: No.
- Cosineau: "No". You're just saying that because I told you to say it!
- Barry: Well, I don't know what you want me to say.
- Cosineau: I want you to fight for yourself, Barry. I want you to say it out loud. I want you to say out loud, "Hey, I want this!" Can you tell me one thing?
- Barry: All I want is to take this class.
- Cosineau: Well, you have ten seconds to make me believe that, fucko, or you're never gonna see the inside of this class again! And... Action!
- Barry: Fuches! I'm not doing it! Any of it, okay? I know it's what you want, but fuck you! Okay? There's a lot of things I wanna do, but you don't care about any of that! Take out a stash house all by myself? "Oh yeah, let's have Barry do it. He's fucking Jason Bourne!" Yeah! No! Fuck it! I'm out! So you're going back to Ohio, and I'm staying here, and that's it! Fuck you! Ow!
- Detective Moss: Look at you. You are so little. I could rock you like a baby.
- Cosineau: I would like you to rock me like a baby.
- Detective Moss: I could drop kick you in the middle of the restaurant. Everyone would applaud and then I'd beat the fuck out of you.
- Cosineau: And I would let you do it.
Chapter Five: Do Your Job [1.05]Edit
Chapter Six: Listen With Your Ears, React With Your Face [1.06]Edit
- Cosineau: Janice. For three nights, you've come home and told me that everybody is 'up in your grill' at work because you can't let go of this crazy acting class connection.
- Moss: I never said 'up in my grill.' So you can just stop there.
- Cosineau: The point is... The point is, nobody believes that my class could be involved in Ryan's death except for you. I myself thought that you were questioning them because you wanted to be close to me. I was very flattered. But now I've gotta wonder: are you keeping them in play because you're trying to prevent us from becoming what we might become?
- Cosineau: Now I know it's only three days. But I'm 47 years old. I'm old enough to know a great thing when it comes knocking on my door in the middle of the night. We are breathing rarefied air and you know it. If we ran away from this because we were scared, wouldn't that be oh so very sad?
Chapter Seven: Chapter Seven: Loud, Fast, and Keep Going [1.07]Edit
- Cosineau: Are you on drugs, Barry? Because getting clean is an important part of an actor's journey. A little story to illustrate: I was doing Long Day's Journey into Night at the Pasadena Playhouse with a bunch of coke heads. It's usually about a three-hour play. We could bring it in at just under thirty-seven minutes. We thought we were great! Apparently, we were unintelligible. It was the beginning of the bad years, Barry.
- Chris: Okay, what if I just turn myself in, okay-?
- Barry: We're linked! We're linked. We're linked.
- Chris: They won't know anything about you! Nothing about you!
- Barry: We're linked on Facebook, Chris. I met your wife. You go to the cops, they'll figure it out. They'll find me, alright?
- Chris: No, they won't, because they won't-
- Barry: Yes, they will, they're looking for me!
- Chris: They won't know anything!
- Barry: They'll find out about me, they'll find out about Fuches, they'll find out about the acting class. Everyone will be dead, Chris-
- Chris: Well, I don't fucking care, Barry! I killed a guy! Okay, now you might be cool with this shit, but I'm not! I got a wife and I got a kid, okay?! And then- and- and- she fucking knew! She knew! She knew something was up! When I came home, she knew it! And then I lied to her, and I told her that I was- I- I was going to the gym? Just now? But when I go back, she's gonna know. She's gonna know something is up, and it's gonna come out. So that's it. That's it, okay? I'm going to the cops, and I'm gonna tell them everything. And I- If I've gotta do some time, fine. But I'm coming clean.
- Barry: Why did you say that?
- Chris: Why did you Facebook me, dude?! You're a fucking hit man, and then you fucking Facebooked me-
- Barry: WHY'D YOU JUST SAY THAT?!
- [A silence passes over. Barry turns to Chris.]
- Barry: I told you to get out of the car, man.
- Chris: You know what? It's cool. I can keep quiet. I'm cool. And I- I didn't tell my wife... y'know, that- That I was going to the gym. I- I told her that I was... coming to see you.
- [An SUV pulls up in the distance and a man steps out.]
- Chris: I- I know you're not gonna... do anything crazy, Barry. I know you're a good guy.
- [The SUV drives off]
- Chris: So I'm gonna- I'm gonna drop you off. And I'm g- I am gonna keep. My fat. Trap. Shut. And then, y'know, I- I promise you, no one will ever know any-
- [Barry holds Chris' hands to the steering wheel and pulls out a gun]
- Chris: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-!
- [From outside, the gun goes off, splattering the front window in blood and shattering the driver's side window. Having left the gun in Chris' hand, Barry slowly walks away.]
- Barry: My Lord, the Queen is dead.
- [Cosineau walks in, applauding]
- Cosineau: Barry! Bravo! I just saw you go to a place tonight I have never seen before! I don't know if you can do it again, but it was ama-
- [Barry punches a picture frame, screaming]
- Cosineau: Okay! I can see you're still in that place, I'm gonna leave you to your process. You know, I have a few notes...
- [Barry tosses a chair across the room]
- Cosineau: It can wait 'till Monday.
Chapter Eight: Know Your Truth [1.08]Edit
- Barry: Janice, listen. I used to work for a man who who talked me into doing some really bad stuff. But that's not who I am, okay? I, uh, I realized what I was doing was wrong, and I, uh, I did everything I had to do to put it behind me. And I did it. It was hard, but I did it. And everything's so good right now. I'm a good person. I help people out. And if you could just walk away from this and forget about it, everybody's life will be better.
- Moss: You know I can't do that, Barry.
- Barry: Yes. No, yes, you can. Janice, you can, because we want the same thing. We- We wanna be happy. We want love. We want a life. And we're doing it, Janice. We're the same.
- Moss: But we're not. We're not the same, Barry. 'Cause I'm a cop and you're a fucking murderer.
- Barry: Can we please not do this? Please?
- Moss: It's done.
The Show Must Go On, Probably? [2.01]Edit
- Conineau: In my bedroom, under the bed, there's a mahogany box, and in that box is a pearl-handle .38 Special, screen-used from the movie Flashpoint, given to me by my former roommate, Rip Torn. Do you know how many times today I actually thought about going in there and loading it and giving it one last kiss?
- Barry: You wanted to kiss a gun?
- Cosineau: Suicide, Barry.
- Barry: Oh.
- Cosineau: Are you not familiar with the Japanese ritual of harakiri?
- Barry: The baseball announcer?
- Cosineau: I need you out of my house.
- Barry: Okay.
- [Hank holds up a pair of jogging shorts.]
- NoHo Hank: You have these pants in size medium?
- Barry: Those are women's pants.
- NoHo Hank: Shit.
- Barry: What the fuck are you doing here?
- NoHo Hank: Barry, it's me. It's Hank.
- Barry: I know it's Hank!
- NoHo Hank: In a wig.
- Barry: I know you're wearing a wig!
- NoHo Hank: The shirt's mine, though.
- Barry: I don't fucking care! What the fuck you doing here?!
- NoHo Hank: Classic criss-cross.
- Barry: That's not a criss-cross.
- NoHo Hank: I'm pretty sure it is.
- Barry: What the fuck are you doing-
- NoHo Hank: "What the fuck are you doing here, Hank?" Yeah, I know.
- Barry: Right, you need to get the fuck out of here. Leave, come on-
- NoHo Hank: You called me an idiot today. Me, the guy who -- when Goran was coming to kill you, told you to get out of the dodge. I mean, saved your life.
- Barry: Right. Hey, man, let's do this...
- NoHo Hank: I come not wearing disguises. No more hiding. You have to understand -- I'm not asking you to do this hit. I'm telling you.
- Barry: Hey, Hank, relax, man.
- NoHo Hank: I am relaxed. 'Kay? I'm super relaxed guy. But now, I'm the boss, and you really disrespected me. So you're doing this. Because if you do not... I tell Goran's family who really kill him. And this place, and all your friends... they go bye-bye. Do you believe me now?
- [Barry shakes his head "yes".]
- NoHo Hank: You still think I'm "fucking idiot"?
- [Barry shakes his head "no".]
- NoHo Hank: Good. Good. Don't fuck with me, Barry. It's not polite.
The Power of No [2.02]Edit
- Loach: Hey, do you know this guy?
- Fuches: Is that a guy? Looks kind of gender liquid to me...
- Barry: Am I, like - am I, like- like, an evil person?
- NoHo Hank: Oh, my God. I mean - absolutely. Do I not tell you that enough? You are, like, the most evil guy I know, man!
Past = Present x Future Over Yesterday [2.03]Edit
- NoHo Hank: Well, what do you want me to do? Go to John Wick Assassin Hotel with help wanted sign?
- Barry: You got good guys right here, man!
- NoHo Hank: Oh, my God, my guys suck balls! You know it! Especially this motherfucker right here!
- Akhmal: If I suck balls, you are king of Suck Balls Mountain!
- NoHo Hank: 50/50 with Cristobal!
- Mayrbeck: Is it true you are the most gifted assassin in all of America?
- Barry: No, I'm not the most gifted assassin in all of America.
- NoHo Hank: He's being modest. He is Air Jordan of assassins.
- [Barry notices Mayrbeck screwing around in training and fires off a gun next to his head]
- Barry: You think this is some fucking game? Think this is some fucking game? Huh? You lose your focus, you give the other guy a chance to fire, you're dead! KILL! That's the only word I want in your fucking head. "Kill".
- Barry: Look, today, a guy said something to me, and it, uh... made me mad.
- Cosineau: What'd you do? You thump him up, huh? Did ya throw him a little high heat? A little chi music? Hey, Barry, we're both Alphas. I understand.
- Cosineau: So here's my advice. You never tell that story again as long as you live 'cause basically, you killed somebody and you got away with it.
- Barry: See, that's why I didn't wanna tell you. This is why I didn't wanna tell you, 'cause you're gonna look at me differently. You're gonna look at me... like I'm a murderer, like I'm a- like I'm a violent piece of shit...
- Cosineau: Barry? Listen to me. I had a son. I was terrible to this son. I was cruel. I was selfish. And there's nothing I can do to change that. But I don't want to be that guy anymore, and I pray that human beings can change their nature. Because if we can't, then you and I are in deep trouble.
- Barry: Wh- How do we do that?
- Cosineau: I think we're doing it already. You didn't beat that guy up, did you? You came here. We're talking about your feelings instead of acting out your feelings. And as for my son, the first time I reached out to him after years and years, I got a big "Fuck you, dad." But today, today he brought me strawberries.
- Barry: Do you think I'm a bad person, Mr. Cosineau?
- Cosineau: I think you're deeply human. You did a terrible thing. But do I think that defines you? No. That's why I don't think you should tell this story in front of the class. Also, they will shit themselves. I mean, they're children.
- Loach: Do you have any idea what it's like to- to fuckin' love somebody and have some motherfucker come along and take them away from you?! DO YOU?!
- Barry: I'm sorry about Janice.
- Loach: What- not Moss!
- [Loach pulls out his phone and shows Barry a picture]
- Loach: That's Ronny Proxen. He's fucking my wife. You get rid of him, and all this goes away.
- Barry: What?!
- Fuches: [Seeing Barry's wounds] Ah! Jesus! What'd he do, hit you with a fuckin' cleaver?
- Barry: It wasn't Ronny.
- Fuches: What do you mean, "it wasn't Ronny"?
- Barry: No, it was his daughter. I think he... He trains her, or something, 'cause she was like a... like a feral mongoose.
- Barry: I'm not killing a kid, Fuches. Plus, I don't... I don't think she's of this world.
- [After Lily climbs a tree and jumps onto the roof of her house]
- Fuches: Okay, she's not human.
- Barry: That's what I said, man.
- Fuches: She's something else, I don't know what.
- Barry: That's what I told you, dude.
- Fuches: Alright. What do you wanna do then, huh? I mean, in an ideal world, we'd just burn down the house.
- Barry: I gotta go to a hospital!
- Fuches: Is that her?!
- Barry: It's a trash can!
- Fuches: What do you want me to get?
- Barry: Needle and thread! For stitches! Because I'm dying!
- [Lily bites Fuches' cheek]
- Fuches: Barry. Kill her.
- Barry: Just take her off your face.
- Fuches: I can't.
- Barry: Why?
- Fuches: 'Cause I super-glued my hands to the steering wheel.
- Fuches: [Watching Lily run away] WHAT ARE YOU?!
The Truth Has a Ring to It [2.06]Edit
- NoHo Hank: ...I meant my word. I'm Honest Gabe.
- NoHo Hank: Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking kidding me right now?! You just fucked this moment! This beautiful, tender moment with your accordion! You just... whipped out your accordion, and you fucked it, man!
The Audition [2.07]Edit
- Cosineau: An audition?
- Barry: Mm-hmm.
- Cosineau: You? Have an audition? What, are they reading extras now?
- Barry: That is so weird! Sally said the same thing.
- Cosineau: What's the part?
- Barry: It's a guy named, um, J.T. in a movie called Swim Instructors.
- Cosineau: How many of these did you print?
- Barry: It's just one. It's four scenes.
- Cosineau: Holy moly! J.T. is on every page! That's a lot of lines, Barry.
- Barry: Yeah, I think he's one of the leads.
- Cosineau: [Gasps] No! You say, "Oh, we're just a bunch of swim instructors." That's the title! They can't cut that!
- Cosineau: I'm trying to give you the view from ten thousand feet before we dive in and break it down scene-by-scene. So, Scene One: Loss. Scene Two: You shit in a pie.
- Cosineau: Whose cock did you have to suck in a former life?
- Barry: Hey, Ike, you shitbird! [High-Pitched] You want a little pie? Mr. Cousineau said I should, um, put a little mustard on "pie" there-
- Sally: I'm sorry. Can we, um Can we stop?
- Barry: Sure.
- Sally: For a second. I just I feel like I need to say something, Barry.
- Barry: Okay.
- Sally: This piece that I'm doing for class. It's exactly what I should be doing.
- Barry: Yeah, no, and it's great! What you're doing is-
- Sally: I'm terrified, okay? Because my piece is real. It's not a character. It's me. Raw, unapologetic truth with a capital "T. " I mean, all caps, actually. I'm thinking like a writer now. I mean, this was stuff that I couldn't even talk about without lying. And here I am, about to strip naked in front of a bunch of strangers and share something that I am massively ashamed of -- Not literally. I don't believe in nudity unless it drives the story forward. -- I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me, and I'm afraid that Sam's gonna find out and do something crazy. But I have to do this. It's it's my story to tell. But then, I mean, so many other women have the same story. What, am I a spokesperson for them now? Could I be the face of a movement? I mean, what if I get it wrong? I mean, I resent the fact that Nick can get up there and talk about his "stomach condition," and it's not like he has to be the poster boy for bulimia. But I get up there, and whatever I say, it's like, "What are we saying about women?" I mean, this is just my story! "But what if you get it wrong, Sally?" "I don't know." "You can't get it wrong, Sally. But you can't not tell it either, Sally, because it's who you are." Which makes this thing that my agents sent me on today so fucking insulting. Payback Ladies? It's just another shit male idea of what strong women are. Oh, oh, oh, "Grab a gun and some stilettos and get a goddamn blowout. And look how strong you are now, Sally!" It's bullshit! Which, by the way, so is this. It's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever read. But you want to know the worst part? You want to know what's really driving me fucking crazy? I am so jealous that you're reading for this. I have never had a director's session for a feature, which is the same thing as a movie, P. S. And I have been doing this for way longer, and I think you'd agree that I am way better. I made you! And I'm actually represented by Gersh. Well, at least I was. I don't even know if they'd rep me anymore after what I said in there today, but still at least I held my ground, because I am an artist, okay, an artist, and this is not fucking art. But then, I mean, to be honest, of course I'm so happy for you. I mean, of course I want you to get this part, and I want to be the one to help you learn your lines and fix your inflections. But I need you to know that if you do get it, it's gonna make me like like a hundred times more insane. Okay? [Sighs] Continue.
- Barry: Hey, Ike, you shitbird! You want a little pie?
- NoHo Hank: Hey, guys, since we're all about to die in a moment, I have to be honest about something, okay? I have been deceiving you guys and before we die, I have to come clean. I know you look at me and you see hard as nails criminal, stone-cold killer, Iceman. But, uh... This is lie. In fact, I have been lying about who I am my entire life. Real talk? I should not be manager of crime syndicate! I should be manager of hotel -- chain of hotels! Instead of being this conning man, playing the role of the ruthless gangster. I mean, that is not who I am, because the truth bomb of it is -- maybe not a lot of you, so be it. I'm nice. I'm polite. I'm optometrist by nature, you know? But because I did not have courage to stand up and be my true self, nice guy, and instead chose pants-on-fire existence, we are all on the barbecue bus. So, guys, I am really sorry for, uh, convincing you I was ruthless leader. I will regret it for the rest of my life. Probably two more minutes. So, in closing, hopefully there is afterlife, and I can host you all in heaven and make you delicious appetizers. Wouldn't that be something, guys? Guys? Guys!
berkman > block [2.08]Edit
- Fuches: Murder... Je- I used to think people like you were the shit, man. Badasses like yourself always fascinated me. But- But doing it, y'know, actually pulling the trigger, ending a life... that takes someone with no soul.
- Fuches: Barry Berkman did this.