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- Yemana: Hey, anybody want to work Vice tomorrow?
- Harris: Me! I'll take it!
- Yemana: You worked Vice last week.
- Harris: I'm a policeman, baby! I goes where I'm needed!
- Liz: Would you consider not going to work today and taking me for a drive in the country?
- Barney: Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It's my busy season.
- [Barney and Wojo are on the same phone line at the same time while standing right next to each other]
- Barney: Hello? Hello?
- Wojo: Hello?
- Barney: Hello, bomb disposal?
- Wojo: No, this is Wojciehowicz.
- Barney: Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal.
- Wojo: Who's this?
- Barney: Barney!
- Wojo: Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going?
- Barney: GET OFF THE LINE!
- Barney: I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you would be the first one that I'd call.
- Fish: You should call me first. I need time to put my teeth in.
Snow Job [1.03]Edit
- Chano: Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.
- Fish: It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.
- Chano: No kidding!
- Fish: Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.
- Barney: [to former Det. Kelly] Hello, Kelly. What are you doing here?
- Fish: Making friends.
- Barney: How do you like Narcotics?
- Yemana: They haven't helped him a bit.
- Wojo: Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?
- Barney: He reports it to his superior officer.
- Wojo: I lost my badge.
The Courtesans [1.05]Edit
- Wojo: No lady sleeps with a man for money... What brings you up here, Mrs. Miller?
- Liz: I came to get a check from Barney.
- Chano: [booking a Puerto Rican hooker] Miss del Fuego. I came from a very small fishing village in Puerto Rico.
- Del Fuego: Me, too.
- Chano: I came here. I worked very hard. I learned to speak English.
- Del Fuego: Me, too.
- Chano: And today I am proud to serve the public and be known as one of New York's finest.
- Del Fuego: Me, too!
- [Wojo and Mrs. Stavochek talk to each other in Polish]
- Fish: What did she say?
- Wojo: She wants to know if it's true they don't let Polish cops carry guns.
- Barney: Tell her you got a gun.
- Wojo: I got a gun.
- Fish: Of course, it keeps us on our toes.
- Barney: [on the phone] Liz, this is ridiculous! I cannot make the choice between the prevention of a major crime and the correction of my son's overbite! Particularly when the overbite runs on your side of the family.
- Yemana: Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?
- Murray: Here it's called lox.
- Yemana: The hell it is. We had it before you did.
- Fish: Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.
Ms. Cop [1.08]Edit
- Yemana: [answering the telephone] Twelfth Precinct, Sergeant Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? A Studebaker. Will you describe the car, please? Black fenders, silver doors, green hood, polka-dot seat covers, monkey-fur dashboard—maybe it wasn't stolen; maybe it ran away.
- Wentworth: Captain Miller, this was not my collar.
- Barney: I'm aware of that.
- Wentworth: Then why do I have to type it up?
- Barney: Because, Wentworth, we make no distinction here between male and female. You're just another cop. Who happens to be a good typist.
- Wentworth: It also happens, Captain, that I fired "expert" at the Police Academy.
- Barney: Good! Then don't type them. Shoot them.
The Guest [1.10]Edit
- Mr. Schuster: I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.
- Yemana: Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.
Escape Artist [1.11]Edit
- Barney: Anything happening I should know about?
- Everyone: Harris is writing a book.
- Barney: A capella. Pretty good. I had in mind something more in the nature of a crime.
- Yemana: The coffee.
- Barney: I would hesitate to call our coffee a crime. A shame maybe... [takes a sip of the coffee] Oh, that's a crime.
- Jeffers: "Logical consequences are the scarecrows of fools and the beacons of wise men."
- Harris: This cat is dynamite. I'm going to write that down.
- Barney: It seems you found an admirer.
- Jeffers: Do me a favor—don't tell him it's from Aldous Huxley until after I leave.
- Yemana: You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?
- Barney: Yeah.
- Yemana: I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.
The Hero [1.13]Edit
- Barney: Nick, where do we keep the office supply vouchers?
- Yemana: Look in the file under O. Or S. Or V. If not, then M, for miscellaneous. And if you don't find it in M, they're lost.
- Barney: Then I look under L?
- Yemana: Good a place as any.
"The Mole": Harris comes in, after chasing 'the mole' through the sewer, covered in 'you know what' Harris: "Barney, this is a $200 outfit, this stuff'll never come out." Yamana: [With his newspaper pressed up against his face]: "It wasn't designed too!"
"The Indian":Blanche DuBois: [after having her shoes stolen off her feet, at a bus stop] "Have I been violated?"
- Barney: Did you ever wonder why the sperm whale, which is the largest mammal on the face of the earth, has a throat about that size? [forms a circle with his thumb and fingers]
- Chano: Yeah. You know, I always did wonder. Why is that?
- Barney: Because that's the way it is. And there ain't anything you can do about it.
- Hal Linden - Captain Barney Miller
- Abe Vigoda - Detective Philip K. Fish
- Max Gail - Detective Stan "Wojo" Wojciehowicz
- Ron Glass - Detective Ron Harris
- Jack Soo - Detective Sergeant Nick Yemana
- Barbara Barrie - Elizabeth "Liz" Miller (Barney's wife)
- Gregory Sierra - Detective Sergeant Chano Amenguale
- James Gregory - Deputy Inspector Franklin D. Luger
- Steve Landesberg - Detective Sergeant Arthur Dietrich
- Ron Carey - Officer Carl Levitt
- Linda Lavin - Detective Janice Wentworth