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Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden

video game

Charles BarkleyEdit

  • It's called survival of the fittest. If you can't slam with the best, then jam with the rest.
    • When deciding not to give money to a homeless child

Truck pumpsEdit

  • Ahhh, console video games (or vidcons as I call them), the ultimate medium of expression, able to convey any emotion ranging from hatred to love, loyalty to fear, all in front of our eyes. Ah, and with lovingly crafted art, music, and the ability to control the action, vidcons are the ultimate combination of the high arts. While I tend to play the stoic, I will be the first to admit that vidcons have driven me to cry, to scream and shout, to feel actual hate; such is the power of this force beyond our wildest reckoning. And here I am, before you, to tempt your tongues with the taint of such a tantalizing topic. And the Japanese, the true geniuses behind the world of video games. Pah, I throw my scorn upon such incompetents of the West who would mock the true art of the Japanese with 'games' such as Baldur's Gate and Madden. Perhaps it is that the West is not as intelligent as the East, but this is a matter for another day. Japan has given us such masterpieces as the Final Fantasy series, Star Ocean, Wild Arms, and of course, Arc the Lad. Yes, some of the finest vidcons in the world were created by Japanese. I come to you today to ask you in all earnesty, what is your favorite vidcon? I will reveal mine after the grand debate has illustriously begun, but not before the first poster falls victim to my plot of discussion.
  • It should be no surprise to anyone with a passing familiarity with vidcons that pocky is the ideal food to snack on when playing mentioned object (although 'playing' is an inappropriate word, because you experience, rather than play, a vidcon; I shall use 'playing' for the sake of simplicity). For those ignorant to the intricacies of this fine Japanese cuisine, imagine a delicate stick of sweetened bread about the width and length of a chopstick, its tip coated in the richest chocolate imaginable. The bold flavor of the chocolate is complimented by the small nuts that caress the tip, creating a culinary juxtaposition of sweetness and saltiness that can only have been hatched in the mind of a chef versed in the subtle paradoxes of Eastern cooking. They are light and easy to eat and hold, useful for vidconning on the go, and their sugar content add that extra boost for late night vidcons. Therefore, pocky has garnered itself the precious title of "Ultimate Vidcon Snack". Perhaps the only drawback of pocky is its limited availability in the West, though this cannot be attributed to the snack itself, but the infuriating baboons that think they are running grocery stores.
  • I never thought I'd see blatant trolling as I have in this forum. Step away from the computer, drop the ham sandwich, and back the FRACK off gaijin. I hate to use that word but you've made me that serious. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, some of us here are actual fans of the Final Fantasy series (pre FFX) and Square's work in general. You can try to bash me for an avatar I bought because I happen to be a dedicated fan of perhaps the most poignant, painstakingly woven tapestry of love, loss, and vengeance ever to be put from pen to paper, but you would fail, like all you flamers do in real life. Who can say that the minds at Square Enix (note: the appropriate portmanteau is SQUENIX, not the laughable SQUEENIX) were not inspired by the works of William Shakespeare or Chuck Palahniuk? Cloud's Bastard Sword has more akin with the bastard sons of Macbeth than it does any armament or basilard of the time. The Honey Bee Club in Midgar reminds me more of the Fight Clubs than any brothel. So please, use your brains, not your sarcasm, and step up to the intellectual plate, or leave this forum and take your "haterade" with you
  • The vidcon Manifesto by Pump [1.] All vidcons must be released alongside a minimum of FOUR limited edition wall scroll.s The wall scrolls will feature pictures of characters from the vidcon in the anime style. The only exceptions to this rule are sports games, which will not be released with any wall scrolls (as there is enough sports memorabilia to last its ignorant fans for a lifetime). [2.] Only one vidcon per sport can be released a year. For example, there can only be one basketball vidcon, one football vidcon, one baseball vidcon, etc. [3.] All vidcons with English voice acting must make Japanese voice acting optional. Furthermore, they must allow for subtitles. "Subs not dubs." [4.] All RPGs must strictly adhere to the moe aesthetic (this may anger some Western RPG vidconners, but I barely consider them vidconners at all.) [5.] All vidcons must have a minimum of three beautifully crafted anime cutscenes. [6.] All vidcons must be released alongside its full, feature-length soundtrack. In order to avoid confusion, the soundtrack MUST be called GAMENAME OST (for example Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elernia OST). It may not have any subtitles (for example Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elrnia Rhapsody of Music Soundtrack). This rule does NOT apply to arranged soundtracks.
  • There is, perhaps, only one medium of art that matches the excellence of vidcons and that is (obviously) visual kei. Combining absolutely exquisite j-rock and j-pop, sprinkled with hints of vidcon melodies, with the pyrotechnic visual flare that the Japanese are known for, visual kei takes its viewers on a rollercoaster ride of lights, fanfare, and music that even Beethoven could tap his toes to. Would that I were Japanese, (though under careful scrutiny, it appears my geneology tree does in fact show signs of a Japanese presence) I too would participate in this art of the 21st century and even perhaps venture onto the visual kei stage myself. It is no surprise that the impotent minds of Western society cannot fully grasp the total splendor of visual kei and instead choose to squandor their time listening to rap and country "music".
  • In the course of my carfeer as a vidcon specialist (my own coinage, spend it wisely), I have never seen such blatant and frankly, sickening ignorance as that exhibited by the "people" (if, in fact, they are homo sapiens at all, as their intelligence implies elsewise) that claim that Zelda is not an RPG. There is nothing that Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto could possibly do to make the vidcon any more of an RPG as it meets every single criterion for being one, particularly that it takes place in an imaginary realm with a fantastical beastiary, the damsel/villain ratio is at or above standards, and that the core emphasis of the gameplay is on bedazzling all foes with impeccable swords and sorcery. Furthermore, this line of thought can be extended to all vidcons in which the player controls a character (hence, roleplaying), though I cringe slightly at the thought of such mundance vidcons as Madden being RPGs, as they do not even include exotic weaponry such as the tonfa.
  • I promised earlier to divulge upon you the name of my favorite vidcon, but I have a treat: not only will I give you the name, but I will give you a tantalizing summary to entice you to try it (though you will no doubt need to brush up on your kanji before playing, as the vidcon's subtle yet flavorful use of Japanese idiosyncrasies can only be grasped in their entirety by those with a sound mastery of Japanese). The vidcon, as many of you may have guessed, is the absolutely stunning RPG/dating sim Angelique: Tenkuu no Chikonka, one of the first games to pioneer the moe aesthetic. It flawlessly merges a powerful and compelling RPG story and system with an incredibly advanced and realistic dating sim that has sixteen (that's right, SIXTEEN) datable characters. Though it is not generally my nature to develop crushes, I must admit to feeling the palpatations of love's caress once or twice while dating, as the characters are very beautifully drawn in the anime style. Add absolutely enchanting music with incredibly lush and colorful graphics and you've got the perfect recipe for the best game ever made.
  • It should be no surprise to my more-informed viewers that the topic of my discussions would eventually fall to the well-established artform of eroge (known to laymen as "hentai vidcons", though this is a false moniker as the vidcons deal with far more than mere hentai). Much-beloved in the East, these games are sadly, and one might even say expectedly, decried in the West as bastions of perversion and pedophilia for portraying extremely young girls in erotic situations. A person who looks at pictures of fictional little girls isn't necessarily sexually attracted to them. What if (s)he finds them cute? Despite the obvious flaws in the anti-eroge constituency, they continue to claim that eroge are sad, cartoon versions of sex for manchildren that promote rape, pedophilia, and abuse towards women. The logic used seems quite silly, because then people who enjoy killing or raping in games would be classified as murderers/rapists in real life. Come on. It's a fantasy, it's inside your head. Get educated. I recommend Kana: Little Sister, Rape Academy 2, or Crescendo to start with.
  • One thing that caused me to stop playing this game and register and post to this was the EXTREMELY ANNOYING propaganda that gets spit out at me for about 4-6 text screens everytime I want to save. Although I agree with much of what you say there is really no need to put this in a game. It makes it seem very unprofessional and just plain annoying and in my case ruined the whole appeal of the game. Now, let me explain why I call it propaganda yet say I agree with most of it. First off, you state your points in a very racist and one sided way, in fact it's stated in such a way where it makes YOU sound very unintelligent and infact ignorant. For instance, you mention how games like Madden and Quake and ruining gaming and how the people who play these games are stupid (this is what I, and many people I've spoke to about have taken from it). First off, I don't particularly disagree with you, I don't like either of these games or there generes. However, as a professional game developer myself, the first thing I had to come to terms with (and which you very much need to) is the fact that not everone likes the same games as you. Infact, this can be broadened to the fact that people have different OPINIONS, which can not be validated as right or wrong since they are OPINIONS. Some people who are big sports fan will like playing sports games. Who are you to judge their opinions? Who are you to judge their intelligence? I won't even get into your racist statements since I myself do not want to get into it since it would add many many paragraphs to this post. Let me just say this, it completely convinced me that you are FAR FAR more ignorant than those you insult. But from a professional point of view this is absurd, this propaganda has no place in a game, especially in one where all the other aspect are excellent. So in summary, keep you opinions/politics out of your games or you will lose fan. You just lost my support, respect, and that of many other people I know by having such ignorant propaganda in your game. Now I will leave you with a few words from the father of philosophy, Socrates. "All I know is that I do not know anything." Please think this over and try to raise yourself about your ignorance. Thank you and have a good day.

DialogueEdit

Cyber Dwarf: I, uh… I don't think a girl would want to go out with a basketball-skinned freak like me…
Balthios: That's not true, Cyber Dwarf. Basketball skin is found attractive in many cultures.

Moe: Have you made up your mind? Would you like to go on a date with one of our lovely ladies?
Cyber Dwarf: O-okay. Alright, I will!
[The text "/!\WARNING/!\ May be erotic for child" is displayed on screen.]
Moe: Excellent! What traits in particular are you looking for a partner?
Cyber Dwarf: Applebottom.
Moe: Anything else?
Cyber Dwarf: Only applebottoms.

Charles: One billion b-balls dribbling simultaneously throughout the galaxy. One trillion b-balls being slam dunked through a hoop throughout the whole cosmos. I can feel every single b-ball that has ever existed at my fingertips, I can feel their collective knowledge channeling through my veins. Every jump shot, every rebound and three pointer, every layup, dunk, and free throw. I am there. I Am B-Ball. Though I have reforged the Ultimate B-Ball, there is something I must still do. There is another basketball that cries out for an owner. No, not an owner. A companion. I must find this b-ball, save it from the depths of obscurity that it so fears. I will meet you outside of Cuchulainn's Tomb. Do not worry. I will be back.
Balthios: Charles, are you okay?
Charles: I am… Beyond such primal emotions as "okay," Balthios. I am… enlightened.

Shimmerglobe: I was forged thousands of years ago by the proto-dwarfs in a volcano. They infused me with ancient magics to give me speed, bounce, range, and most importantly… accuracy. I cannot miss a jump shot or dunk, Charles Barkley. I cannot miss a slam, jam, thank you ma'am.
Charles: But that breaks all the NBA rules and regulations!
Shimmerglobe: I came before rules and regulations! I wrote the rules and regulations! I have chosen you, Barkley, because I believe that you are the only one that can save b-ball. You are the only one that can restore it to its former glory.

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