Avenue Q

Avenue Q is a Tony Award-winning Broadway musical.

Quotes

"Everyone's a Little Bit Racist"

Brian: Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

Gary: Racism!!

Brian: Cool!

Christmas Eve: Brian! Come back here! You take out recycrabres!

Princeton: What's that mean?

Brian: Um...recyclables.

All but Brian: *loud laughter*

Brian: Hey! Don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?

Kate : Oh, come off it, Brian! (LYRIC) Everyone's a little bit racist...

Brian: I'm not!

Princeton: Oh no?

Brian: Nope!

Princeton: Ha!

Brian: How many Oriental wives have you got?

Christmas Eve: What?! Brian!

Princeton: Brian, buddy, where've you been? The term is Asian-American!

Christmas Eve: I know you are no intending to be, but carring me "Orientar"... offensive to me!

---

Christmas Eve: The Jews have all the money and the Whites have all the power, and I'm arways in taxi-cab with driver who no shower!

Princeton: Me, too!

Kate: Me, too!

Gary: I can't even get a taxi!

---

Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes.

Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes!

Look around and you will find

No one's really color-blind.

Maybe it's a fact we all should face -

Everyone makes judgments... based on race!

---

Ethnic jokes may be uncouth,

But you laugh because they're based on truth!

Don't take them as personal attacks.

Everyone enjoys them... so relax!

---

Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true.

But everyone is just about as racist as you!

If we all could just admit

That we are racist a little bit,

And everyone stopped being so PC,

Maybe we could live in ... harmony!

Christmas Eve: Everyone's a rittre bit racist!

---

Gary: You were telling a black joke!

Princeton: Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.

Gary: I don't.

Princeton: Well, of course, you don't. You're black! But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?

Gary: Well, of course, I do. Ha-ha! Those stupid Polacks!

---

"What Do You Do With A B.A. In English? / It Sucks To Be Me"

Princeton: What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet, because I have no skills yet;
The world is a big scary place,
But somehow I can't shake the feeling I might make
A difference to the human race...

---

Christmas Eve: Why you all so happy?

Nicky: Because our lives suck!

Christmas Eve: Your rives suck? I healing you correctry? Ha! I coming to this country for opportunities. Try to work in Korean deri, but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two masters degrees in sociar work and now I a therapist but I have no crients and I have an unemproyed fiancé and we have rots of birrs to pay! It suck to be me. It suck to be me. I say it suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck, it suck to be me!

---

Kate Monster: I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart.

Brian:You are.

Kate Monster: (to Brian) Thanks! I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart! So why don't I have a boyfriend? Fuck! It sucks to be me!

---

Gary: I'm Gary Coleman, from T.V.'s Different Strokes. I made a lot of money that got stolen by my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes but I'm here, the superintendent on Avenue Q!

Everyone: It sucks to be you!

Kate: You win.

Everyone: It sucks to be you!

Brian: I feel better now.

Gary: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "What're you talking about, Willis?" It gets old.

"If You Were Gay"

Nicky: Well, okay, but just so you know

if you were gay

that'd be okay.

I mean because, hey! Ha!

I like you anyway!

Because you see,

if it were me,

I would feel free to say

that I was gay.

(But I'm not gay.)

Rod:Nicky,please!I am trying to read!

(sigh)What?!

Nicky:If you were queer,

I'd still be here,

Year after year,

Because you're dear

To me.

And I know that you,

Would accept me too,

If I told you today,

"Hey!Guess what,I'm gay"

But I'm not gay.

I'happy,

Just being with you.

Rod:High button shoes,pal Joey...

Nicky:So what should it,

Matter to me,

What you to do in

With guys?

Rod:Nicky,that's Gross!

Nicky:No,it's not!

If you were gay,

Rod:Awwh!

Nicky:I'd shout hooray!

Rod:I not listening!

Nicky:And here I'd stay,

Rod:La la la la la!!

Nicky:But I wouldn't get

In your way.

Rod:Aaaah!

Nicky: You can count on me

to always be

beside you every day,

to tell you "It's okay,

you were just born that way,

and, as they say,

it's in your DNA!"

You're GAY!

Rod: I am NOT gay!

Nicky: If you WERE gay.

Rod: Argh!

"Schadenfreude"

Nicky: "Schadenfreude", huh? What's that? Some kind of Nazi word?

Gary Coleman: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others".

Nicky: "Happiness at the misfortune of others" ... That is German!

---

Gary: Right now you are down and out, and feeling really crappy.

Nicky: I'll say.

Gary: And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me... happy!

Nicky: "Happy?!"

Gary: Sorry, Nicky, human nature, nothing I can do! It's Schadenfreude, making me feel glad that I'm not you!

---

Nicky: How about straight A students getting B's?

Gary: Exes getting STDs!

Nicky: Waking doormen from their naps!

Gary: Watching tourist reading maps!

Nicky: Football players getting tackled!

Gary: CEOs getting shackled!

Nicky: Watching actors never reach

Both: The ending of their Oscar speech!

---

Nicky: Being on an elevator when somebody shouts HOLD THE DOOR!!!

Gary: Oh yeah..

Both: NO! Schadenfreude!

Gary: Fuck you, lady! That's what stairs are for!

"The Internet is for Porn"

Kate Monster: Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself! And I'm going to teach something relevant, something modern: the internet! (singing) Oh! The Internet is really, really great!

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: There's always some new site-

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: I browse all day and night-

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light!

Trekkie Monster: FOR PORN!

---

Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!

Kate Monster: Trekkie!

Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!

Kate Monster: What are you doing?

Trekkie Monster: Why you think the net was born? Porn, porn, porn!

---

Trekkie Monster: Me up all night, honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!

---

Kate Monster: That's gross! You're a pervert!

Trekkie Monster: Ah, sticks and stones, Kate Monster!

Kate Monster: No, really! You're a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the Internet.

Trekkie Monster: Ohhhh?

Kate Monster: What?

Trekkie Monster: You have NO idea! Ready, normal people?

Brian: Ready!

Princeton: Ready!

Rod: Ready!

Gary: Ready!

Trekkie Monster: Let me hear it!

Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!

Princeton: Sorry, Kate.

Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!

Princeton: I masturbate!

Trekkie Monster: All these guys unzip their flies for porn, porn, porn!

---

Kate Monster: The Internet is NOT for porn!

Trekkie, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: Porn, porn-!

Kate Monster: HOLD ON A SECOND!

Trekkie Monster: What?

Kate Monster: Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online.

Rod: That's correct.

Kate Monster: And, Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!

Brian: Sure!

Kate Monster: And, Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay.

Gary: Yes, I do!

Kate Monster: And, Princeton, you sent me that sweet on-line birthday card.

Princeton: True.

Trekkie Monster: Oh, but Kate, what you think he do after, hmmmm?

Brian, Rod, Gary: [chuckling]

Princeton: Yeah...

Kate: EEEEEW!!

---

Trekkie Monster: Grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn!

The More You Rove Someone

Christmas Eve: Rove...

Kate Monster: Love...

Christmas Eve: And hate...

Kate Monster: Hate...

Christmas Eve: They rike two brothers...

Kate Monster: Brothers...

Christmas Eve: Who go on a date.

Kate Monster: Who... what!?

"Fantasies Come True"

Nicky: I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie.

---

Nicky:No, I'll wear the purple shoes, a- who painted the kitten?

---

Nicky:: You look like David Hasselhoff.

---

Nicky: Hey, Rod, buddy, you're talking in your sleep!

Rod: I thought you were talking in your sleep!!

Nicky: No, I just came to bed. You're dreaming, it's all.

Rod: Oh...

Nicky: Sounded like a nice dream, though.

Rod: Yes, it was a nice dream...

Nicky: Goodnight.

Rod: Goodnight, Nicky.

"I Wish I Could Go Back to College"

Kate: I wish I could go back to college, life was so simple back then.

Nicky: What would I give, to go back and live, in a dorm with a meal plan again?

Princeton: I wish I could go back to college, in college you know who you are. You sit in the quad and think, Oh my God, I am totally going to go far!

All: How do I go back to college? I don't know who I am anymore!

Princeton: I want to go back to my room and find a message in dry erase pen on the door...whoa whoa whoa...I wish I could just drop a class.

Nicky: Or get into a play.

Kate: Or change my major.

Princeton: Or fuck my T.A.!

All: I need an academic advisor to point the way! We could be sitting in the computer lab, four a.m. before the final paper is due, cursing the world because I didn't start sooner, and seeing the rest of the class there too! I wish I could go back to college! How do I go back to college?

Princeton: I wish I had taken more pictures.

Nicky: But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be. I'd walk through the quad and think, "Oh, my God!"

All: "These kids are so much younger than me!"

"From Christmas Eve and Brian's wedding"

Nicky: So, yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is, indeed, a closeted homosexual!

Rod: Nicky! How could you say that about me?!

Nicky: Uhhh, hi Rod! No, all I said was 'Yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod has... an undescended testicle!'

Rod: AH! No! I heard you!

Nicky: Oh, gee, I'm sorry Rod...

Rod: Uh..! Uh..! Well, I am not a closeted... homo-whatever!

---

Kate: So you're saying that you don't want to spend time with me anymore?

Princeton: No, no, I love being with you.

Kate: Good, because for a moment I thought--

Princeton: But I don't want a girlfriend before I find my purpose in life.

Kate: But Princeto--

Princeton: It's already settled, Kate! If we stay like this, I promise you we won't even be friends in the end.

Kate: But I'm not looking for friends. I have plenty of friends.

Princeton: You like me, don't you?

Kate: Yes... which is why I think you should get out of here.

Princeton: You want me to leave?

Kate: Unless you've got another definition for get out of here.

"My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada"

Rod: Oh, I wish you could meet my girlfriend. My girlfriend who lives in Canada. She couldn't be sweeter, I wish you could meet her! My girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouver. She cooks like my mother and sucks like a hoover! Ha-ha! I e-mail her every single day just to make sure that everything's okay! It's a pity she lives so far away in Canada! Last week she was here, but she had the flu. Too bad because I wanted to introduce her to you. It's so sad but there wasn't a thing that she could do but stay in bed- with her legs up over her head! Oh! I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can't 'cause she is in Canada! I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her, so soon I'll be off to Alberta! (pause) I mean Vancouver! Shit. Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouv-- She's my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes, I have a girlfriend who lives in Canada! And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!

"School For Monsters"

Trekkie Monster: Me give you ten million dollars!

Princeton: Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!

Trekkie Monster: In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!

"There Is Life Outside Your Apartment"

Lady on a building: I'm going to jump!

All: Don't do it!

Lady on a building: OK!

In Between Songs

Bad Idea Bear: Buy a whole case!

Princeton: A case of beers? No, I can't get a whole case.

Bad Idea Bear: But you're on a budget! You're wasting money in the long run if you don't buy in bulk!

---

Kate: Hello?

Mrs. Thistletwat: Good afternoon, Katherine. If you may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning while I got my heart replaced. You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society and were about to sacrifice poor little Brittany! Where were you?

Kate: I overslept! I'm so sorry!

Mrs. Thistletwat: I should never have hired a Monster.

Kate: What?

Mrs. Thistletwat: Your race is notoriously lazy!

Kate: Well, better a Monster than a crabby old bitch!

Mrs. Thistletwat: Crabby old bitches are the backbone of this nation! I regret the day I hired you!

Kate: Well, you don't have to worry, because I quit!

Mrs. Thistletwat: No, I'm going to fire you!

Kate: Too late, because I quit!

Mrs. Thistletwat: You're going to Hell, Katherine!

Kate: SEE YOU THERE, BITCH!

---

Lucy the Slut: You're going to show me upstairs, kid?

Princeton: In a minute, okay, Lucy?

Lucy the Slut: Okay... Just don't leave my motor running too long.

Kate: She a friend of yours?

Princeton: Sort of.

Kate: Is her name purpose?

At The Around the Clock Cafe

Lucy: I still haven't figured out where I'm going to crash tonight. Bear: Feel her boob!

Lucy: I dated a monster once, but got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth. Kate: If your teeth are the problem, I can arrange that you have LESS!

Bear: Why don't you play a drinking game? They are a recipe for fun. Kate: I don't know any, do you, Princeton? Bear: I do! It's called "I Bet I Can Drink This Faster Than You Can." GO!

Lucy: (after she finishes singing) Thank you gentlemen and...(short pause) obstacles to those gentlemen.

"For Now"

All: SEX is only for now! YOUR HAIR is only for now! GEORGE BUSH is only for now!

All: Don't stress! Relax! Let life roll off your backs! Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now!