Andy Richter Controls the Universe

Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003) was a FOX sitcom starring Andy Richter playing a character of the same name, about a writer 'just trying to make it in the real world'. It was cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Mr. Pickering: What kind of man calls himself a writer anyway?.. I’ll tell you what kind: the homosexual.

Andy: Wait! Did you have sex with my Wendy?

Kieth: It does not feel right to talk about it.

Grief Counselor [1.02]

Wendy: The real tragedy is that when he went to dial 9-1-1 he forgot to dial 9 9-1-1.

Little Andy In Charge [1.03]

Andy:(Voice over) I needed more information, so I came up with a foolproof anti-Semitism test. (To Leslie) Would you like a bagel, or perhaps a (with German accent) valden-riechen-lebensraum-torte?

Second Episode [1.04]

Andy: What are you guys doing here?

Jessica: You’re being stupid!

Andy: No, technically that would be what I’m doing here.

Season 2

Twins [2.02]

Andy: And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay.

France [2.03]

Andy: Here I was, facing a problem as old as civilization itself: how to catch a drunk cat in the ceiling so I can go to France.

Mr. Pickering: Ahh, wishing to go to France, aren't we? I know why you really want to go to France. It's because of their loose sexual laws. But, observing your physical qualities, I must say that it will only mean that you can do more things to yourself.

Holy Sheep [2.04]

Andy: Uh, listen. I wasn't gonna say this before because I wanted to be supportive and non-judgemental, but your religion is laugh-out-loud stupid.

Unidentified Episodes

Mr. Pickering: Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish... And his wife!

Freddy Pickering: Have you ever eaten a six-pound lobster off the chest of a seven-pound lobster?

Freddy Pickering: "Well, at least she died doing what she loved... committing suicide.

Byron: All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them, their music, their food, their so-called religion, the way their men are so skinny, and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes.

Andy: There's going to be a duct tape wedding! Cover your genitalia and run!

Mr. Pickering: Good for you my boy! Having your way with the help. They're bending over anyway, eh?

Mr. Pickering: Oh I'm sorry! It's just hard to believe you could ever be in love with something not covered in sauce.

Andy: I mean, sure, you can start a relationship based on four days of false information about mole-rats, but then where do you go? Am I right?

Jessica: Well I guess this is kind of my fault, since I only told you exactly what would happen, instead of actually living your life for you.

Jessica: This reminds me of that old saying: You idiot.

Andy: My fear of a meaningless cosmos was no match for those two theologians known as meat and cheese.

Byron: My mind is full of despair and my body is full of sex bugs.

Andy: Is it me, or is it getting dizzy in here?

Mr. Pickering: How does it feel, being outsmarted by a child? Let me guess: familiar?

Mr. Pickering: Oh cheer up! This tape could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You finally have proof that you fornicated with something you didn't pay for, or inflate.

Airena: Did you know if a blue whale mated with a beaver their babys would be the largest insects on the earth.

Keith: Other than babies, is there anyone more selfish than the dead?

Mr. Pickering: Why, I once murdered a man with an axe! By your liberal definition, this makes me an axe murderer!

(Flashback)

Andy's Brain: Hands down that was the second coolest thing I've ever seen. Wanna see the first coolest?

(Cutscene to a woman seductively approaching the camera spraying whipped cream in her hand while "Lead Me On" by Maxine Nightingale plays in the background)

Andy's Brain: I'd show you more...

(A young man stands up and blocks the view of the woman)

Andy's Brain: ...but her boyfriend who was actually in the room had to go and ruin everything.

(Young man lifts up woman and carries her off screen while the camera zooms out to Andy looking out a window with binoculars. Andy then turns around with tears in his eyes and faces the camera)

Andy: (sobbing) Will I ever know love?! (Commences sobbing)

Andy's Brain: Oops, I didn't mean to show you that part.

Cast

Andy Richter - Andy Richter
Jessica Green - Paget Brewster
Keith - James Patrick Stuart
Wendy McKay - Irene Molloy
Byron Togler - Jonathan Slavin

External links

Wikipedia

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Andy Richter Controls the Universe

Andy Richter Controls the Universe quotes at the Internet Movie Database