Andy Barker, P.I.

television program

Andy Barker, P.I. is an American sitcom starring Andy Richter, Tony Hale, Marshall Manesh, Harve Presnell and Clea Lewis.

Season 1

Andy: Well, it's my first day as my own boss. I don't know when I'm gonna be home.
Jenny: You're an accountant, Andy Barker. You go where the numbers take you!
[Andy enters his office to find Nicole sitting at his desk]
Nicole: I made $18.50 an hour at my old job; I expect the same here.
Andy: Of course. Who are you?
Nicole: I'm Nicole. From the Long Beach Star. Those files that you stole...that was on my watch. You're the reason I got fired.
Andy: Oh, I am so sorry about that. Yeah, I - I was doing some P.I. work.
Nicole: No need to explain. The fact that you've hired me as your assistant has more than made up for it.
Andy: Well, actually I didn't hire you.
[she stares blankly at him]
[Andy is about to be shot]
Andy: Wait! I could be so much more valuable to you alive. As a qualified CPA -
Government agent: I have the finest financial advisors money can buy. I don't need a bookkeeper.
Andy: [indignantly] Bookkeeper!
[Andy makes to attack the man]

[the government agent fires at Andy with the actual gun Aaron Burr used to duel Alexander Hamilton and misses]
Transcor agent: What the hell?
Government agent: It's Aaron Burr's; it hasn't been cleaned in two hundred years.
[he fires and misses again]
Transcor agent: What the hell?
Government agent: Give me a break, it's a fine collectible!

Lew: [faced with a chicken] Okay, remember me? I'm Lew Staziak and I'm all grown up now!
[he raises his gun at the chicken, but Simon pushes his shaking hand down and shoos the chicken into a nearby slaughter room]
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