American Pie (film)
1999 film by Paul Weitz and Adam Herz
American Pie is a 1999 comedy film about four teenage boys who enter a pact to lose their virginity by prom night. It was followed by its sequel, American Pie 2, in 2001, and American Wedding, in 2003.
- You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
- I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them!
- I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?
- I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
- Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
- Kevin: You want to take this one?
- Oz: Like warm apple pie.
- Jim: Yeah?
- Oz: Yeah.
- Jim: Apple pie, huh?
- Oz: Uh huh.
- Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
- Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
- Oz: You came to see me in action?
- Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
- Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!
- Oz: [on being sensitive to women] All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
- Stifler: I dunno man that...sounds like a lot of work!
- Stifler: Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?
- Jim: What am I supposed to do Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?
- Stifler: Yeah!
- Kevin: You can do that?
- Jim: No I can't do that to her.
- Stifler: Jim, get some fucking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?
- Finch: I don't like the kid but he's got a point Jim.
- Stifler: See? Even Shit Break knows you should do it.
- Jim: [tries to make a move on a half-naked Nadia] Looks like you could use an extra hand.
- Nadia: Jim!
- Jim: Well, uh. Oh!
- Nadia: [puts on a shirt to cover herself] Shame on you!
- Jim: Yes, shame on me. I'll just go.
- Nadia: Well... you have seen me. Now it is my turn to see you. Strip.
- Jim's Dad: [about sex] It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun - but it's not a game.
- Jim: Right.
- Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
- Jim: No.
- Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. You want a partner, don't you, son?
- Jim: Oh yeah, Dad. I wan-I want a partner.
- Jim's Dad: Good. Good. That's very good.
- Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
- Vicky: I've never tried it.
- Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?
- Stifler: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches. Sherman!
- Sherman: Hey!
- Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?
- Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?
- Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
- Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.
- Finch: You have anything to drink?
- Stifler's Mom: I believe the kegs are upstairs.
- Finch: That is what the cretins drink. I'm talking about alcohol, liquor...the good stuff.
- Stifler's Mom: I've got some Scotch.
- Finch: Single malt?
- Stifler's Mom: Aged 18 years. The way I like it.
- Michelle: Oh! And this one time... at band camp... I stuck a flute in my pussy!
- Jim: [taking a drink then realizes what she said and spits it out] Excuse me?
- Michelle: What? You think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed. So are we gonna screw soon, 'cuz I'm getting kind of antsy!
- Michelle: Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.
- Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?
- Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.
- Jim: Yes I am.
- There's something about your first piece.
- Fill that sticky hole!
- Come again!
- Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets pie.
- Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
- Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
- Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
- Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty
- Shannon Elizabeth - Nadia
- Tara Reid - Vicky Lathum
- Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch
- Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
- Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad
- Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
- Mena Suvari - Heather
- Jennifer Coolidge - Stifler's Mom
- Chris Owen - Chuck Sherman