American Pie (film)
1999 film by Paul Weitz and Adam Herz
American Pie is a 1999 comedy film about four teenage boys who enter a pact to lose their virginity by prom night. It was followed by its sequel, American Pie 2, in 2001, and American Wedding, in 2003.
- Directed by Paul Weitz and Chris Weitz, written by Adam Herz.
- You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
- I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them?
- I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?
- I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami. Yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
- No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!
- Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
- Kevin: You want to take this one?
- Oz: Like warm apple pie.
- Jim: Yeah?
- Oz: Yeah.
- Jim: Apple pie, huh?
- Oz: Uh huh.
- Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
- Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
- Oz: You came to see me in action?
- Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
- Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!
- Oz: [on being sensitive to women] All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
- Stifler: I dunno man, that...sounds like a lot of work!
- Stifler: Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?
- Jim: What am I supposed to do, Stifler? Broadcast her over the internet?
- Stifler: Yeah!
- Kevin: You can do that?
- Jim: No, I can't do that to her.
- Stifler: Jim, get some fucking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?
- Finch: I don't like the kid, but he's got a point, Jim.
- Stifler: See? Even Shit Break knows you should do it.
- Jim: [tries to make a move on a half-naked Nadia] Looks like you could use an extra hand.
- Nadia: Jim!
- Jim: Well, uh...oh!
- Nadia: [puts on a shirt to cover herself] Shame on you!
- Jim: Yes, shame on me. I'll just go.
- Nadia: Well...you have seen me. Now it is my turn to see you...strip.
- Jim's Dad: [about sex] It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Jim: Right.
- Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
- Jim: No.
- Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. You want a partner, don't you, son?
- Jim: Oh yeah, Dad. I wan-I want a partner.
- Jim's Dad: Good. Good. That's very good.
- Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
- Vicky: I've never tried it.
- Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?
- Stifler: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, bitches. Sherman!
- Sherman: Hey!
- Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?
- Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?
- Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
- Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.
- Finch: You have anything to drink?
- Stifler's Mom: I believe the kegs are upstairs.
- Finch: That is what the cretins drink. I'm talking about alcohol, liquor...the good stuff.
- Stifler's Mom: I've got some Scotch.
- Finch: Single malt?
- Stifler's Mom: Aged 18 years. The way I like it.
- Michelle: Oh! And this one time at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy!
- Jim: [taking a drink then realizes what she said and spits it out] Excuse me?
- Michelle: What? You think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is: sex-ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kind of antsy.
- Michelle: Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.
- Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?
- Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.
- Jim: Yes I am.
- There's something about your first piece.
- Fill that sticky hole!
- Come again!
- Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets pie.
- Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
- Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
- Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
- Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty
- Shannon Elizabeth - Nadia
- Tara Reid - Vicky Lathum
- Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch
- Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
- Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad
- Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
- Mena Suvari - Heather
- Jennifer Coolidge - Stifler's Mom
- Chris Owen - Chuck Sherman
- American Pie quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- American Pie at Rotten Tomatoes
- Sound clips from American Pie at MovieSounds.com