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Airplane II: The Sequel

1982 film directed by Ken Finkleman

Airplane II: The Sequel is a 1982 film that spoofs airport disaster movies. When a computer malfunction takes a space shuttle toward the sun, the fate of the passengers depends on an ex-war pilot who is the only one able to land the shuttle safely!

Written and directed by Ken Finkleman.
For the ride of your life... All you need for Christmas are your two front seats! taglines

DialogueEdit

Opening Crawl: [scrolling up a la Star Wars style] By the close of the twentieth century, construction of colonies on the lunar surface had begun and with this colonization came a new era in space travel. As our story opens, Mayflower 1, the first passenger shuttle to the moon, prepares for its maiden voyage--a voyage filled with hope, yet destined for disaster. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, Princess Amoura lay back in her bed as the handsome young knight entered the room. The princess slipped off her robe, revealing her silky white thighs. The knight embraced her roughly, and began to caress her soft, round…
Ted Striker: Mary, which passenger is Joe Solucci?
Mary: 16C. Why?
Ted Striker: He's carrying a bomb.
Mary: A bah—[hands fly up to her mouth to muffle her words]
Striker: No, Not a bah. A bomb.
Ted Striker: I got a piece of metal. It's a bobby pin.
Murdock: A bobby pin? What the hell is the man doing with a bobby pin?
The Sarge: Ted Striker was right when he test-piloted that sucker. And what did he get for telling the truth? A one-way ticket to the funny farm!
Girl on Shuttle: [Repeated to different men throughout the movie] I don't mean to sound forward. I mean, I know I don't know you. But I don't think we're gonna live through this. And... I've never been with a man before.
Soldier: Those lights are blinking out of sequence.
Buck Murdock: I see.
Soldier: What should we do?
Buck Murdock: Make them blink in sequence.
Simon: Gentleman, I'd like you to meet our new captain.
Clarence Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer Mr. Dunn.
Clarence Oveur: Unger.
Unger: Oveur.
Dunn: Oveur.
Clarence Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.
Simon: Unger, didn't you serve Oveur in the Air Force?
Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.
Dunn: Yep.
Simon: So, Dunn you were under Oveur and over Unger.
Unger: Yep.
Clarence Oveur: That's right. Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.
Unger: So you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.
Clarence Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.
Prosecuting Attorney: Doctor can you give the court your impression of Mr Striker.
Dr. Stone: I'm sorry I don't do impressions, my training is in psychiatry.
Prosecuting Attorney: Of course.
Jimmy Wilson: I sure am glad they let Scraps ride up here with us, Dad.
John Wilson: I bet Scraps is gonna love the moon.
Jimmy Wilson: Do you think things will be a lot different on the moon, Dad?
John Wilson: Oh, it's gonna be terrific! A whole new world. New kids to play with!
Jimmy Wilson: Does that mean no more headlines about the rape trial?
John Wilson: [angrily while wrapping his knuckles] Not many kids get the chance to live on another planet.
Jimmy Wilson: No more kids yelling, "Your old man's a psychopathic sex pervert"?
John Wilson: [angrily grabs Jimmy's jacket and pulls him close] Look, a man can make an honest mistake! Anyway she was asking for it! They're all asking for it all the time! [lets go of Jimmy and sits back looking crazed]
Jimmy Wilson: (thinking) Dad never slaps me around at home. It must be his coffee.
Alice Wilson: (thinking) No, I've been serving Dad decaf. Hmm. Maybe he's just an asshole.
Witness: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.
Prosecuting Attorney: Buddy couldn't handle it. Was Buddy one of your crew?
Witness: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.
Prosecuting Attorney: Andy went to pieces?
Witness: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecuting Attorney: Howie came unglued?
Witness: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecuting Attorney: And he bailed out?
Witness: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.
Prosecuting Attorney: Then Howie survived?
Witness: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.
Prosecuting Attorney: Over Macho Grande?
Witness: No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande. Those wounds run...pretty deep.
Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.
Jacobs: Well, let's see. First the Earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. [McCroskey walks off] And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it- [Jacobs turns and starts to walk away, continuing to speak, trailing off as he gets further from the camera] he took her best summer dress and he put it on and went to town...
Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?
Jacobs: Well, I'm two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.
Buck Murdock: Who's in control of that bucket o'bolts?
Lt. Pervis: Some guy by the name of Ted Striker, sir.
Buck Murdock: Ted Striker... We were close... until...
Lt. Pervis: Until, sir?
Buck Murdock: Until that day over Macho Grande.
Lt. Pervis: Over Macho Grande, sir?
Buck Murdock: No, I'm afraid I'll never get over Macho Grande.
Elaine Dickinson: Ted, I have the strangest feeling we've been through this exact same thing before.
Steve McCroskey: [drunkenly] Gentlemen, I don't find it easy to talk at a time like this, but I got to say something about that guy up there, and I can sum it all up in just one word: courage...dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon. [He gestures extravagantly and falls over]
Jimmy Wilson: Hey mister, can I ask you a question?
Ted Striker: What is it?
Jimmy Wilson: It's an interrogative statement used to test knowledge, but that's not important right now.
Buck Murdock: Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
Buck Murdock: Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap will ya? We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking, beeping and flashing - they're flashing and they're beeping. I can't stand it anymore! They're blinking and beeping and flashing! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug?
Buck Murdock: We'd better get to the tower, Lieutenant.
Lt. Pervis: We have no tower, sir.
Buck Murdock: No tower?
Lt. Pervis: Just a bridge, sir.
Buck Murdock: Why the hell aren't I notified about these things?
Steven McCroskey: Striker? Striker, Striker, Striker!
[a man behind McCroskey strikes a woman]
Ted Striker: We're going to have to blow the computer!
Elaine Dickinson: Blow ROC?
[a smiling face appears on the computer]
Ted Striker: Quick, you must get everybody into the lounge.
Testa: But we don't have a lounge.
Ted Striker: That's not important right now.
Mr. Hammen: And how about the time we hopped in the family car and drove all the way to Woodstock?
Mrs Hammen: Oh, that was a time. You got hold of that bad acid and didn't come down for two weeks. You keep telling everyone that you were Jesus Christ and then you jumped off a roof 'cause you thought you could fly!
Mr. Hammen: What a bummer.
Mrs. Hammen: No shit.
Ted Striker: We're not in the past or the present anymore, Elaine. This... is the FUTURE.
ROC: Voice interface.
Elaine Dickinson: There's an overheat in the core. Please analyze problem.
ROC: There is no apparent overheat.
Elaine Dickinson: Yes, there is, ROC. We read a coreheat. Repeat analysis.
ROC: Analysis confirmed. All systems compute positive.
Elaine Dickinson: Well, not from where I'm sitting, they don't!
ROC: Look, Elaine. Cut the "not from where I'm sitting" shit. It must be a human error.
[Elaine turns to the captain]
Elaine Dickinson: Captain, I think we have a computer foul-up!
Clarence Oveur: I see.
Elaine Dickinson: Well, what do you recommend, Captain?
Clarence Oveur: Maybe you'd better run it through the computer.
Elaine Dickinson: But sir, I already have!
Clarence Oveur: [looking very pleased] Good!
Steve McCroskey: We keep losing their radio!
Bug Kruger: Give it to me straight, McCroskey! What's it look like?
Steve McCroskey: [puzzled] The radio? About so big, green, with numbers and lots of knobs...what?
Bug Kruger: I mean the situation! What do your people think?
[The controllers begin thinking about the people in the hijacked airplane]
Controller #2: They're screwed!
Controller #3: They're dead!
Controller Jacobs: Did I leave the iron on?
Businessman #1: Don't worry about the Viatex account, we have a buy and sell option; we can't get hurt in either case.
Businessman #2: Just keep in touch with their legal people, Bob.
Businessman #1: Will do.
[two men kiss]
Businessman #2: And Bob, feed the cats.
Businessman #1: Will do.
[The Wilsons arrive at checkpoint]
Porter: Can I help you folks?
Alice Wilson, John Wilson: Oh, yes, thank you.
Porter: Aw, is that your dog, son?
[looking at Scraps, Jimmy's dog]
Jimmy Wilson: Yes, his name is Scraps, and he's going to the moon with us.
Porter: Oh no. No dogs are allowed in the shuttle son. I'm afraid Scraps will have to be shot.
[pulls out a gun, shoots the dog and the dog falls to the floor]
Jimmy Wilson: [shouts, bending toward his dog] Scraps! He shot him! He shot Scraps!
[Jimmy's parents look horrified]
Porter: Just joking. Blanks, see? Scraps is fine.
[dog stands up and Porter, Alice and John Wilson are laughing]
First Woman in Line: Where is the passenger processing lounge for the lunar shuttle?
Information Agent: Concourse lounge C, fourth level.
First Woman in Line: Thank you.
Information Agent: Next?
First Woman in Line: How long is my parking permit good for?
Information Agent: Two hours.
First Woman in Line: Thank you?
Information Agent: Yes, next.
Next Man: What's the fastest animal on Earth?
Information Agent: The cheetah. Next?
Female Passenger #3: Should I fake my orgasms?
Information Agent: Yes.
Female Passenger #3: Thank you.
Information Agent: Next?
[in a montage of news reports]
Buffalo Anchorman: Our top story tonight: Four alarm fire rages through Downtown Buffalo. Also in the news, Lunar Shuttle heads for the Sun, and certain disaster.
Tokyo Anchorman: Our top story tonight: Four alarm fire rages through Downtown Tokyo. Also in the news, American Lunar Shuttle locked in death struggle. [on the screen behind the anchorman is a clip of Godzilla clenching a Lunar Shuttle in between his teeth]
Moscow Anchorman: [being held at gunpoint] A four-alarm fire in Downtown Moscow clears way for a glorious new tractor factory. And on the lighter side of the news: Hundreds of Capitalists are soon to perish in Shuttle disaster. [as we cut to the next scene, a gunshot is heard]
Clerk: Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Witness: Ain't no thing. [slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witness's hand as if "giving fives" to each other]
Defense Attorney: [approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand] Would you describe in your own words, what happened that night?
Witness: Yo! Check it, bleed. Bro... was on! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Home. So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runaway like a mother. Shit. ["Mr. Striker performed exceptionally. The passengers were very concerned. The pilots were incapacitated. So Mr. Striker took control and landed that plane safely. Golly!"]
[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]
[Ted climbs over the wall guarding the mental hospital, removes his gown revealing his regular clothes and throws the gown out of harm's way. The gown comes back and covers Ted's head. Ted drops the gown beside him and starts to run while trying to avoid being spotted by a searchlight. Ted pauses when he encounters a lounge singer in a spotlight. The singer wears a tuxedo with his bow tie untied and he holds a microphone. It's Jack Jones.]
Lounge Singer: [sings] floats back to you... Ooh, The Love Boat... soon will be making another run. The Love Boat...
[Ted continues to run]
Buck Murdock: Striker, you get that ship down... and down safe... [a giant money safe crashes to the floor behind Murdock] ... and there just might be a few of us who will forget about Macho Grande.
Controller #3: You're right. They're off course and headed straight for the Sun. [shakes head] I've seen enough, Bob. [gestures to Controller who switches display screen to ice hockey game]
Controller #3: Get me Steve McCroskey, fast!
Controller #1: McCroskey hasn't handled a tower since the strike.
Controller #2: Ever since Reagan fired the controllers, he's been completely senile!
Controller #3: Yeah, but what about McCroskey?
Controller #1: Pretty much the same as Reagan.
Controller #3: I don't care, get him!
Elaine Dickinson: I don't know how to say this, but maybe in this mixed-up, topsy-turvy world of ours, they should take all the quote "sane" people and lock them up and let all the psychopaths out of the asylums to run the world...No, I guess on second thought, that's a bad idea, Ted.
Terrorists At Beginning of film: Watch your step! [as they help blindfolded victims out of their van]
Mr. Hammen: I've always loved you darling, but I have to tell you, I was unfaithful to you, just once.
Mrs. Hammen: Oh I understand, darling.
Mr. Hammen: Remember Joan? My first secretary?
Mrs. Hammen: Thats alright, I knew about it all the time. I was unfaithful too.
Mr. Hammen: I understand darling.
Mrs. Hammen: Remember Susan? Your last receptionist?
Steve McCroskey: Listen good. That thing is bound to come apart on you at that speed, and that's no good! It's got to be in one piece when you land on the moon! You know damn well that that warp drive has never been tested! [stabs his cigarette into the left hand of the controller sitting next to him] You're putting yourself and everybody else on that ship in jeopardy!
[Cuts to Art Fleming hosting a Jeopardy! game on the shuttle with the passengers as the contestants]
Art Fleming: All right, Contestant #38.
Contestant #38: Art, I'll take Air Shuttle Disasters for $40.
Art Fleming: The answer is... [The $40 display rotates to reveal the answer] ...the Mayflower!
Steve McCroskey: We're all betting on you. [In another room, people draw their bets as to whether the Shuttle passengers will die or not]
Joe Selucci: I don't know if this is a good time to ask, but would it be possible for me to get my briefcase back?

TaglinesEdit

  • For the ride of your life... All you need for Christmas are your two front seats!
  • Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the departure lounge!

CastEdit

See alsoEdit

External linksEdit

 
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