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Agent X

fictional comic book character

Agent X was a superhero comic published by Marvel Comics.

Dead Man's Switch

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Issue 1

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Sandi Brandenberg: Who are you? What's your name? Do I know you?
Agent X: Don't know, don't know, don't think so. But I know you. I know all about you, I'm pretty sure.
Sandi: You remind me of... does the name 'Wade Wilson' ring any bells?
Sandi: You can have these. They belonged to my last boyfriend.
Agent X: If I throw up, I'll aim for the planter.
Sandi: That's a sign of good breeding.
Agent X: Stupid happy fluffy cat! Don't you have something disgusting you should be licking?
Taskmaster: You better pray you didn't do anything to Sandi, mister! [throttles him]
Agent X: I should warn you that I'm weak and feeble right now, so back off or I can't guarantee I won't puke!
Sandi: Taskmaster, this is... well, we're calling him Alex.
Agent X: [coughing] Alex Hayden, charmed for real, dude.
Taskmaster: Sandi, don't be stupid. This guy's a merc? How come I never heard of him? And why do you insist on bringing in strays?
Sandi: Don't call me stupid, Tony. [stabs Agent X, who regenerates from the blow] See? He can take it. He's going to be a merc, and we are going to help him.
Taskmaster: "We"?
Agent X: ...Hey, I'm not gonna pretend this doesn't sting a little...
Agent X: I really appreciate you helping me like this. Uh-- you're not just going to kill me and dump my body out here, are you? That'd be rude. Is this where you keep your gym? Looks like a dump. Hey, I had this great idea for my merc gimmick. What if, at the end of every sentence, I add "amundo"? Like, "Take that-amundo, pus-bag"... or "Where's my cash-amundo, butt-face?"
Taskmaster: For Sandi's sake, I agreed to train you, 'Hayden', not to listen to you. So shut up.
Taskmaster: Each of these shirts represents a person's fighting style. When I put one on, you can consider me that person and respond accordingly.
Agent X: Coolamundo. This'll be fu--
[Taskmaster punches him]
Taskmaster: Captain America, for example.
Agent X: OWW, DABBIT! By dose-amundo!
Agent X: [in journal] Training: day two. HA HA HA! Outsmarted Taskmaster today! HA HA HA! Was hurting me very badly as Wolverine hour of healing totally insufficient! Taskmaster unconcerned with multiple grievous wounds inflicted on me so came up with cunning plan-amundo! Bled profusely on Wolverine shirt so TM doesn't wear again! HA HA HA! Score one, me! Sorry, journal. Bleeding on you also. Note: bring more bandages tomorrow!
Agent X: [in journal] Training: day three. Beginning to suspect TM doesn't like me. Can't find foot.
Agent X: [in journal] Hey... first training session not followed by extensive healing process. Outlaw training method far superior!!!
Taskmaster: I don't believe this amnesia crap. Wilson's pulled that gag before. You got everyone else snowed. But not me. Your choice, guy. Either you leave, or I shoot you and tell Sandi it was a training accident.
Agent X: I'm... not... Wilson.
Taskmaster: All the more reason to shoot you. I liked Wilson okay. You, I don't give a--
Agent X: Enough. [Agent X knocks Taskmaster to the floor] Do you know I find your arrogance tedious, Mr. "Taskmaster"? How would it be if I shot you and told Sandi it was an accident? [helps him up] But that would be impolite, which is unacceptable amongst gentlemen, don't you find?
Agent X: [in journal] Note: TM extremely crabby for rest of session. Pain, blood, snapping, popping, ripping. TM becoming real ass pain. Has many issues and a real big stabbing problem.
Agent X: ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP. I'M THE BIGGEST BADASS IN THIS CITY, AND I'M OFFERING AN INTRODUCTORY SPECIAL ON ANYTHING FROM SIMPLE ASSAULT TO MULTIPLE BEHEADINGS. Somebody here must have something bad they want done good.
[the bar patrons all crack up laughing]
Agent X: No? So it's that way. Fine. [breaks all of his fingers] Hurm. Anyone think I'm funny now?! [narrative] This better work or I'm giving up my sex life for nothing.
Agent X: Start at the bottom. That's how you build a career. [stalks around the ledge] Here, monkey, monkey...
Client: Hey, mister, how's it g--
Agent X: You shut up. Here's your stupid poodles on tricycles. Here's your stupid falcon. Here's your stupid trained pig. And here--? Is your stupid, stinking, disgusting monkey! SIT!
Client: Okay, okay, you got job dissatisfaction, I can see that.
Client: Okay, mister, great job! Now we've only got one little problem left...
Agent X: Your elephant is in the river.
Agent X: [rides an elephant into a building] I wonder if I might make an appointment! I'm from the Riverfront Preservation Squad, and this is our elephant, Gretel. We're not a couple. We're just good friends. Never mind. I can see you're busy. Just tell your boss to leave Alpine Park alone... Or I'll be back with the poodles.
Agent X: Never again. I don't care if I'm starving. No more animal jobs. I stink in five species! But I did it. I proved I could, mr. Tough Guy. So I'm not taking anymore crap from you. Are we clear?
Taskmaster: As crystal, Circus Boy.
Sandi: Alex, this isn't a check... it's the deed to a theme park.
[Agent X screams]

Issue 2

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[Taskmaster, Agent X and Sandi apprise their new theme park]
Taskmaster: Well... it's nasty.
Agent X: [narrative] This is the guy teaching me how to bleed profusely from multiple wounds.
Taskmaster: You should feel right at home here.
Agent X: [narrative] He likes to be called the Taskmaster, which you gotta figure, means something dirty, which makes him a big skull-faced pervo. I've been discrete enough not to mention that, however...
Sandi: I don't know, Alex. The whole place looks pretty run-down and... um... incredibly, unbelievably dangerous.
Agent X: What are you talking about? C'mon, let's open it up and ride the coaster! Let's deep-fry us some corn dogs-- we can all get tattoos and hoot at underaged girls! [narrative] I swear, some people got no vision.
Taskmaster: Hey, 'Hayden', you don't have time for this. I got you a gig.
Agent X: What? Really? ...What kind of gig, Tony?
Taskmaster: Strictly a no-monkey gig-- low risk, high pay. I'd go myself, but tonight's Iron Chef.
Sandi: I don't like this-- I don't think he's ready.
Taskmaster: Fish gotta fly, bird gotta swim.
Sandi: Big bad merc gotta listen to the Spice Girls.
Taskmaster: Hey!
Agent X: [to a room full of mercs] You guys are destroying my vision of a cashless society! I mean... uh... I'm in. I'm in. [narrative] I'm a merc ahead of my time.
Agent X: If I wanted useless chat, I'd get AOL.
Agent X: [just started a merc fight] It's not my fault-- I have an impulse control problem! I have a note! I have a note!
Outlaw: Adios, big scary Punisher man... [Agent X pops up in her sniper scope] Whooooooa!
Agent X: Hey! Miss me?! You owe me cab fare, Outlaw. [he shoves her gun aside] Nice gun. Bet the cacti at your place are terrified.
Outlaw: Alex, one thing you'd best learn, pronto... [she tries to punch him, narrowly missing him and putting a hole in the wall beside his head] Don't never touch a Texas girl's gun!
Agent X: [narrative] Criminy! I didn't know she could do that! I woulda been sarcastic from a distance!
Agent X: Urrk... now I... know why they... call you... Crazy Inez.
Outlaw: I told you, Alex. Don't call me that. This bounty's mine, greenhorn.
Agent X: [kicks her] ...kaff... there will be a... brief intermission... while I... grow a new larynx. ...kaff...
Agent X: [narrative] Shhh. I'm gonna tell you a secret. This is something the Avengers won't tell you. You know why it is that when two super-powered individuals meet, they invariably wind up fighting?
Outlaw: You realize... all this ruckus prolly spooked our target...?
Agent X: Can I... unhhh... take that as a surrender?
Agent X: [narrative] We do it because...
Agent X: Over the side?
Outlaw: You know it.
Agent X: [narrative] ...It's fun. And if you had this kind of power, you would, too.
Agent X: Did we lose him? I'm okay. This swarm of rats broke my fall...
Outlaw: Your eyes are bleeding again.
Agent X: With this music, I'm surprised my ears aren't bleeding.
Agent X: [narrative] I don't get why the guy singing has to keep telling me about his damn truck.
Outlaw: Oh, I love this song!
Agent X: It sounds like one of the Judds they don't let out of the basement. I fractured my pelvis on the mechanical bull. Heh. It hurts real bad. Heh. Heh. 'Judd.' Heh. 'Pelvis'. Heh.
Outlaw: C'mon, big fella... you can... sober up at my apartment.
Agent X: I've got spurrrrssssthat pringle dangle mingle...!
Outlaw: You wanna kiss me?
Agent X: [narrative] I haven't been around long, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the dumbest questions I'll be asked in my lifetime. [he moves in to kiss her]
Outlaw: Not there... not just yet. Kiss me where you hit me.
Agent X: [narrative] Amazingly, I have absolutely nothing to say here.
Agent X: [wakes up to a handful of hair] AUUUUUUGH!
Outlaw: Alex, what...?
Agent X: AAaAaAAauuuUuuAAAuuugh!
Outlaw: Alex! It's just a wig. I'm okay.
Agent X: A wig? Are... [he points at her breasts] Are those real?
Outlaw: Well... hate to tell you this, cowboy, but...
Agent X: AAaaaAAAaaaaAuAAAAAAAAUuuUUUGGhhhh!
Agent X: Never been drunk before. Never done anything before.
Outlaw: Yeah. I about figured that out last night.
Agent X: What?
Outlaw: Nothing!
Outlaw: That's what I like. A man who eats like a pig and sleeps like a horse.

Issue 3

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Agent X: [narrative] As a trainer, though, [Taskmaster] taught me one thing-- whoever said problems couldn't be solved by violence just wasn't trying hard enough.
Agent X: [punches Taskmaster] I'D LIKE TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT ON YOUR DAMN SPLEEN! You set me up. You sent me out against the Punisher!
Sandi: I wish he hadn't kicked the door down. I was getting the key.
Outlaw: Thanks again for coming to get us, and thanks for all the clothes an' all, Sandi. 'Preciate it.
Sandi: Oh, no problem. Too bad Alex's stuff was all dirty.
Outlaw: I don't get it. Taskmaster was beatin' the crap out of Alex daily and twice on Sunday. But now...
[Agent X punches Taskmaster again]
Sandi: [sighs] I wish they'd just tongue-kiss and get it over with.
Taskmaster: If I ever see you again, even if it's an accident... I'll shoot. Won't matter where we are. Crowded street, subway station, whatever. You'll never hear it coming.
Agent X: Hey, tough guy... [shoots his jock at the back of his head]
Taskmaster: What the hell?
Agent X: That's my jock. I wasn't sure if you knew they came in more sizes than just 'Extra teensy'.
Taskmaster: You know, you got just the kind of head looks great in crosshairs. Be seeing you.
Agent X: Hand-dipped caramel apples! Hot buttered corn! Cotton candy! Can you believe we own this, Sandi? Hahahaha! You're thrilled! I can tell!
Outlaw: This whole place needs a wet-wipe.
Agent X: This food is great! It's completely disgusting! Hey, Inez, you like horses, right? How about a spin? Just like Texas, right? Yeeha! Redneck heaven! Let's ride the coaster-- we can see if the breaks still work!
Sandi: My question is... do guys ever grow up?
Agent X: Grab that jug of cleanser! Let's see who vomits first!
Outlaw: I got a scary notion this all makes sense to him.
Higashi: Mister Hayden, if you'll step into the car for a moment, I believe I can make you a very happy man.
Agent X: I hope you mean something different from the way that sounds. Okay. About this happy thing... Corndog?
Higashi: That's very kind of you. [begins eating it]
Agent X: Yeah, you can't beat a corndog. All golden and moist and filled with the Lord's bounty. Most people taw these babies out and deep-fry 'em, but me... I like 'em just fine cold, like a battered ratsicle.
Higashi: ...
Agent X: [eats one himself] Nummers!
Francis: Excuse me, are you mr. Deadpool? I'm Francis Wahlfert-- I own the store.
Agent X: Uh, no... he couldn't make it. I'm his older brother, Fredpool. This is Outlaw, she's gonna be our mole. She's weasel-intolerant.
Keith: [is splattered in red] Aaaaah! Brian, I'm hit! Oh, God! Help me! It hurts!
Brian: Hold on, bro. We'll get you some he-- Wait a minute. This isn't blood. ...It's ketchup!
Agent X: [appears outside the window with a gun] Outdoor convenience food vending... to the EXTREEEEEME! Are you not entertained?
Agent X: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, he lost his guns, right? How dangerous can he be? Well, I'll tell you the truth. In all the chaos, I got a little confused myself. So I guess the question you have to ask yourself is... [holds up a hotdog] "...Is this wiener loaded?"
Agent X: Hey, you okay in there, little girl?
Mary Zero: I'm okay...
Agent X: I was worried about you. You're not with these guys, I'm guessing?
Mary Zero: What did you say? You were worried? About me?
Agent X: Sure. Why not?
[she kisses him]
Agent X: ?!?!! Oh, sure. Give the cops another reason to throw me in jail.

Issue 4

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Agent X: Look, would you quit staring at me like that?
Mary Zero: I like to watch you eat.
Agent X: It's giving me performance anxiety. [narrative] I'm all aware of my tongue now.
Agent X: Garcon, s'il vous plait! Are these crunchy things bugs of some type?
Garcon: Little bit, yes, eh... bugs. Small. Tiny bugs for Sir.
Agent X: And these over here?
Garcon: Those are, eh... Sir is eating sea monkeys. Is sir's food cold bad and not pleasant warm?
Agent X: I guess I'm just a bit disappointed. I thought they'd frolic more.
Garcon: Like all things, sir, they, eh, cease to frolic when cooked, Sir.
Agent X: How come they're not wearing little crowns like the picture on the menu?
Garcon: Eh, the crowns, they fall off when boiled, Sir, as do most jewelry and fashions of the head.
Restaurant patron: Food like this should be savored, my lovely young companion. It should be tasted and enjoyed. The senses should be overwhelmed until sated in full...
Agent X: That's it. [he knocks over the table and shoves a gun in the man's face] I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE TALK IN RESTAURANTS! You think we all want to hear your crappy pick-up lines? It's gauche! And another thing... Food is not sex! Say it with me!
Restaurant patron: ...Ffdddifffnoooffexxx.
Agent X: Good. It's important you know the difference, or you could have a terrible waffle iron incident. No amount of smooth maple syrup will help you then. Sorry about the mess.
Garcon: You... you! Sir never come here no again never! This very important customer is! Genius is! He is make the popping up ads for the computer internet!!!
Agent X: !
Restaurant patron: ...Oh, no.
[Agent X tackles him]
Agent X: I'm never eating there again! It's gauche. They had lobster in McNugget form! Plus, the customers are flimsy and easily damaged.
[Mary Zero is staring at Agent X]
Agent X: ... What are you doing?
Mary Zero: I was looking at your butt. It's awesome.
Agent X: Stop that. I'm not even sure that's legal.
Mary Zero: It's party pie. It's vicious licious!
[Agent X grumbles]
Mary Zero: <3!
Agent X: And it doesn't bother you that I think you're nuts?
Mary Zero: It's nice to have someone think I'm something.
[Agent X is getting shot at]
Agent X: ALL RIGHT! HERE'S THE DEAL! I'll surrender, but you have to let the corndogs go free! The corndogs never hurt anybody!
Sandi: I have a gun. I'll shoot you.
Higashi: That is a risk I find delightful, Miss. May I come in? I've brought some things to show my esteem. I'll be direct. I'm here to use every resource within my power to change your opinion of me. Please accept these tokens as an apology for my rudeness this morning.
Sandi: Rudeness? You were going to kill my friends!
Higashi: Miss Brandenburg, since the moment I first saw you, I've thought of nothing else. Would you do me the very great honour of allowing me to visit you socially?
Sandi: ...Are you... are you asking me out on a date?
[Taskmaster is watching Higashi and Sandi. Then he trashes a pigeon coop]
Taskmaster: ...It's time to admit I have an anger problem, and I'm not just biased against pigeons, either.
Agent X: The massive headwound... choice of a new generation.

Issue 5

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Mary Zero: I'm so sorry, Alex! I tried to use the phone, but the lady on the other end couldn't hear my voice.
Agent X: Urhk. ...urhk.
Mary Zero: Then I tried to borrow a ride, you know, so I could drive you to the hospital...?
Agent X: urhk... urhk...
Mary Zero: ...But I don't really know how to drive good yet!
Agent X: urrrrr.
Mary Zero: It's all my fault. I can't get you the help you need. No one notices me. No one but you.
Agent X: ...
Mary Zero: And now I'm scared. Really scared.
Agent X: ...urrr.
Mary Zero: I'm totally afraid, Alex. I'm afraid you're going to die before you can ever know you're my boyfriend forever.
Agent X: Urhk.
Arcade: Well! Now you are a hardy fellow. The good news is that you're alive. The bad news is that your carousel is ruined. Amazing the things you pick up as a murderous psychotic, I find. I believe you still have a bullet in there somewhere-- appears your flesh has healed around it. A disgusting but valuable talent. I'd ask you if you had any brain damage, but if you can answer the question, then there's no need to ask it, right?
Arcade: Sure you wouldn't rather just sell this to me? I'm really rather partial to this sort of place. Call me a hobbyist. For instance, this is a real beauty of a wooden coaster. File down the breaks, change the angle of descent, and you have a real killer.
Agent X: [writing on a notepad] Don't want to kill customers.
Arcade: Really? To each their own, I suppose.
Arcade: Hey, what's the fun in watching someone die unless they're in a giant pinball machine at the time? That's what I always say.
Henchman: Higashi-sama has directed us to provide you with a courtesy escort, sir.
Taskmaster: Just a friendly car ride, right? You guys are adorable.
Henchman: [in Japanese] Saguri-san says to save this one's head on display...
Taskmaster: Hey, you know what I watched on television last night? [he smacks both henchmen's faces, takes their guns, and shoots them] ...A Chow Yun Fat marathon.
Sandi: Strong. I'm going to go out strong.
Male Ninja: What's that?
Female Ninja: Some kind of note under the door...
Male Ninja: It's a riddle or something. "What's white and goes 'Snap, Crackle, Pop'?"
Female Ninja: There's another note... 'Your collarbone'? I don't get it.
[Male ninja gets hit by a toilet]
Sandi: I swear, that was a totally gross place to leave a note, Alex.
Sandi: Tony, you told them Alex was Wade? That's what this is all about?
Taskmaster: Okay, I screwed up. I'm getting tired of saying that lately, but I'm sorry.
Agent X: [on a note] YOU SUUUUUUCK!
Taskmaster: All right. I suck.
Agent X: [on a note] No, for real. You really suck!
Outlaw: You know, we're never gonna survive.
Agent X: Unh... un... less... [cocks two rifles at once] ...we get a little... CRAZY.

Issue 6

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Taskmaster: I guess these guys forgot I took on the Avengers.
Agent X: You ever win against the Avengers?
Taskmaster: I'm so glad I get to die with a creep like you.
Outlaw: Remember when I said I always wanted to go out in a blaze of gunfire? I changed my mind.
Agent X: Inez... Listen...
Outlaw: I know. We'll meet again; kiss for good luck, cowboy. Be sure you protect your gentleman parts.
Taskmaster: A girl like THAT with a guy like YOU makes me question the grand scheme of things, you know?
Agent X: How many times do I have to say this?! I hate guys with 'cold' gimmicks! I hate your pansy little sno-cone making powers! Eat the apple! EAT THE APPLE LIKE A MAN!
Taskmaster: I know what each of you is thinking... let someone else go first. To be honest, those are good instincts. Let me make this easy on you... [he kills them all] ...I'll go first.
Constrictor: [choking Agent X] Lady who hired us said you're Wade Wilson. But I think she's loopy. Wade Wilson was a badass. You're just a guy who hunts monkeys.
Taskmaster: ...Well, here's an interesting dilemma. I help him, I help him not. I help him, I help him not... I wish I had a coin to flip. Maybe I'll go find one.
Batroc's Daughter: Zo! C'est vrai! You have arrived on zee rooftop, having beaten ze fools below!
Tarantula's Daughter: But you, senor, have not yet faced the skills of the daughters of Batroc the Leaper and the Tarantula!
Taskmaster: Listen, I knew both of your fathers, and may I say, with all due respect to those brave and talented men... You cannot imagine my surprise at finding out that they were heterosexual.
Taskmaster: You're both rookies, so here's a tip: You should always pay attention...
[Batroc's daughter and Tarantula's daughter wind up leaping over the edge of the roof]
Taskmaster: ...to how close to the edge of the roof you are. [shoots them] I hate ethnic stereotypes.
Agent X: Seen Taskmaster? Is he dead? Don't hide the truth to spare my feelings.
Agent X: I never lie! I EMBELLISH THE TRUTH!
Taskmaster: ...Man, this stings.
Agent X: So you have a bone sticking out. Want me to kiss your boo-boo?
[Taskmaster, Agent X and Outlaw are surrounded]
Taskmaster: Huh... ahuh... huh... I shoulda... left... days ago.
Outlaw: You... you got anything resembling an idea, Alex?
Agent X: ...Three, actually. Dig in. Watch your back. And give every one of these guys pain to remember.
[Taskmaster, Agent X and Outlaw stumble into a diner severely wounded]
Agent X: [drops Taskmaster into a seat] Ooooh, oh, oh sorry.
Outlaw: Think he needs... hospital...
Agent X: Hospital's not safe yet. She'd find us. Hey, can we get some menus here?
Waitress: ...Uh... special's chicken fried... steak...
Outlaw: I'll have four of those... please.
Agent X: Cheese danish and a root beer float.
Waitress: ...Somethin' for your friend?
Agent X: Uhh... his jaw is dislocated. Maybe you should just bring him some pudding. Anyway, I told you, I have a plan. We just need to wait here for someone. Shouldn't be long.
Outlaw: Heh. Hee. Don't make me... laugh... 'Pudding'. Heh. Heh.
Agent X: Bring the toughest damn mercs in the country a big heapin' bowl of pudding!
Outlaw: An' bring us... your largest... spoons! HA HA HA! OW. HA! OW.
Agent X: Yes! Only the largest of spoons shall suffice for our festival of pudding! HA HA! OW! HA!
[Taskmaster punches him]
Taskmaster: MFFFF OOOF! MFFFF.
Agent X: [on the floor] heee. 'Pudding'. Heh. 'Spoons'.

Shameful William

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Issue 7

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Sir William: Oh! The professional gunman One requested is here! One is delighted! Ah, facial scarring, yes. Visor, guns, jacket, yes, yes, yes.
Agent X: Um... [he offers some candy] Fruit by the Foot?
Sir William: One doesn't mind if One does!
Agent X: It's triple-berry.
Sir William: It is an orgiastic frenzy! A fruitful symphony for the palate! [offers it back]
Agent X: Um. No. That's okay. You keep it. I've just decided to give up all rolled foods, in fact.
Sir William: Unimaginable! To deprive oneself of such bounty!
Assistant: Sir William has a rare-- condition, Mr. Hayden. He's an omni-fetishist. He finds everything... er... exciting.
Agent X: Have you ever considered that he might just be disgusting?
Sir William: You! You defeated all others on the field of battle!
Agent X: Well, yeah, I--
Sir William: How wonderful it must be to hit someone in the face! And now, to the panties!
Agent X: Um, I kicked some guys when they were down, too.
Sir William: The imagery! You are a Picasso of pain!
Agent X: And this other guy? I just grabbed him and punched him 'til he started crying...
Agent X: You heard me: panties. I've graduated from monkey gigs to returning stolen underwear. If only there were some way to combine the two, now then you'd have a party video...
Agent X: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need you to... man the crank. So, this condition... you get all worked up over everything? Literally everything?
Sir William: The value of a thing is what one makes of it.
Agent X: So, lawnmowers?
Sir William: Yes.
Agent X: Canned ham?
Sir William: Yes.
Agent X: Pat Buchanan?
Sir William: Oh, my, yes.
Agent X: Cheese slices?
Sir William: One likes to undress them slowly.
Agent X: Garage door openers?
Sir William: So, so functional!
Agent X: Poodles wearing sweaters?
Sir William: Don't tempt me!
Agent X: What about female folk singers? Non-shaving, non-bathing, chai tea-drinking female folk singers?
Sir William: One adores them! So breathlessly hirsute!
Agent X: [is hanging out of a helicopter by a ladder] Uh... Hey! Hey! Lower the damn ladder!
Sir William: Oh, but you're a naughty spool. Who's a naughty spool? Why, you're a naughty spool!
Agent X: I swear to god, if you're up there doing something disgusting with my chair, I'll shoot you good!
Taskmaster: Some day you're going to have to tell me why you believe in this guy so much.
Sandi: You really don't know? Alex is the first guy, since I was thirteen years old, who hasn't told me how to live my life.
Taskmaster: Ouch.
Sir William: There's a certain romance about trains, so rumbly and wonderful...
Agent X: What are you doing here? Quit gazing longingly at stuff! No one ever began a secret attack by gazing longingly at stuff!
Sir William: Do not touch me! Stopppp!
Agent X: What?
Sir William: No one ever touches me! Ever!
Agent X: You mean you never... you can't even... you poor dumb dope. You made your whole life about your squalid little interests, and you can't even touch another human being?!
Agent X: [narrative] Note to self: Remember to spend some time with Inez. Don't turn into this guy.
Lynda: Wait, is that the mercenary who caught the monkey?
Sir William: Oh, he was, yes... But he's improved a lot since then.
Agent X: Then I was a walking crash test dummy... now I'm a g-string samurai, baby!
Agent X: [diving after Marie Antoinette's panties] "And what did you do today, Alex?" "I risked death trying to save some drawers with 18th century stank on 'em, if you must know."
Agent X: Have you dateless wonders not figured this out yet? It's obvious! You two are made for each other! Listen, you're both disgusting freaks, right? She's a pervert, he's a pervert... He falls in love when he sees a llama, she's willing to kill us all over some smelly underthings... Don't you get it? This is your chance. Just marry each other and share your filthy collection of nasty shorts!

Deadpool Walking

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Issue 13

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Black Swan: The small unfortunate things on the ship's floor in front of you are the toes of your left foot and the fingers of your right hand. Please don't make me cripple you further. I should have killed them all. They may have dreary notions of revenge in their reptile brains. But I seem to have grown a conscience. How inconvenient.
Agent X: [narrative] I've been having some difficulties lately. Nothing serious. Just screwing up in every facet of my life, is all. I've been alienating friends, putting them in danger... Haven't worked up the nerve to tell Sandi I'm closing Agency X... my park is half blowed-up... and worst of all-- I got jock itch real bad from these stupid pants.
[we see that Agent X is hunched over on a merry-go-round amidst the bodies of several dead mercs]
Agent X: I think I may have invented a higher form of sanity.
Taskmaster: Do me a favor, Alex, and put some aloe on that sucking chest wound of yours, would you?
Agent X: How long have you been here? And thanks for the help, by the way.
Taskmaster: Long enough to hear what you did to Sandi.
Agent X: And you're okay with that?
Taskmaster: I'm fine. I don't own her. We're not like that.
Agent X: Yeah, but... it's obvious that you got something for her bad and I really think--
[Taskmaster kicks him over, points two rifles in his face and plants a foot on his crotch]
Taskmaster: I said I'm fine.
Agent X: You are centimeters away from putting a permanent bootmark in my man-essence. I don't think either of us truly wants that.
[Agent X and Taskmaster are chauffeurs and bodyguards to Sandi and her boyfriend]
Sandi: Alex, are you going to be professional about this, or not?
Agent X: I'm driving. See? I'm driving. I'm calm and collected. [narrative] If his hand moves two inches north, I'm biting a chunk out of this steering wheel.
Agent X: So, listen... you Four Winds guys, you have subsidiaries everywhere, right? 'Cause I have this million-dollar idea: Smell novels for dogs.
Sandi: Alex, turn around and watch the road.
Agent X: See, each page of a smell novel would tell part of the story which would amuse and stimulate the canine reader.
Taskmaster: Hey, Higashi... you didn't arrange any additional escorts, right?
Higashi: No, but I'm beginning to wish I had.
Agent X: "Page one: there was a wiener dog in the forest. Page two: She was in heat. Page three: She peed on a tree."
Taskmaster: It wouldn't work. No dog would make it past page two.
Agent X: Do you see that?
Taskmaster: Shut up.
Agent X: He's touching her leg.
Taskmaster: Shut up.
Agent X: The soft fleshy part.
Taskmaster: Will you shut up?
Agent X: Of her leg.
Agent X: That's it. If I live through this, I'm inventing a form of explosive that's gentler to sensitive skin.
Bunny Merc: Hello, Ugly Mister! Hello! Will you be my hippity-hoppity bunnyfriend? Hee hee!
Agent X: Death rides a cute pale horse!
[Sandi pictured climbing over the front seat from above]
Agent X: Jeez, she's giving him a perfect shot of her behind.
Taskmaster: Shut up, Hayden!
Agent X: Heh. You're such a dork, Tony.
Taskmaster: Shut up! I'm trying to think here. I'm no good like this!
Agent X: That's it. I'm gonna die stuck to a limo, just like all my favorite bugs.
Sandi: Tony, what are you--?
[Taskmaster hits the breaks]
Agent X: [falling off the car] Gonna! Kill! You! Tony! You! UNBELIEVABLE! A--!
Taskmaster: You think you can handle the one with the sword?
Agent X: Ayup. I hope you've been watching lots of Captain America videos lately.
Taskmaster: Don't worry. Turns out I have.
Agent X: Survivor buys the headstones?
Taskmaster: Deal.
Bunny Merc: Goodbye, stupid Ugly Mister men! [giggles] Fatality!
Agent X: You know, if we get killed in the street by two delinquent Pokemon trainers, people might completely forget that we were badasses.
Higashi: Kita, my friend, I believe I have some property of yours-- these two motorcycles-- and the two assassins you sent to kill me, tied up in the trunk.
Bunny Merc 1: My arm is multiple fracture! Hee hee!
Bunny Merc 2: I am breathing with extreme difficulty! Punctured lung is not happy funtime agony!
Agent X: Listen, Sandi, I-- I just want you to know that if you and he want to... if you decide that you want to be with him, you know? I mean...
Sandi: Alex.
Agent X: I mean, look at the two of us... I'd go out with him! I just want you to be happy. Honest.
Sandi: ... Alex, what color dress am I wearing?
Agent X: ...Red?
Sandi: And what's your favorite color?
Agent X: Red, but I don't see what that has-- Oh.
Sandi: You do realize you both acted like complete and unprofessional idiots tonight?
Agent X: I frankly think my idiocy was completely professional.
Taskmaster: Grumble grumble mutter.

Issue 14

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Outlaw's father: You go on home, Billy Rapner, 'less you want to explain to your brothers how you got beat by a girl.
Billy Rapner: You're a mutie. Crazy mutie buck-toothed freak!
Young Outlaw: People're always calling me names. I hate them. I hate them.
Outlaw's father: Inez, you can't keep doing this. It's unladylike.
Young Outlaw: I know. I won, though.
Outlaw's father: That's my girl.
Taskmaster: No, no, no-- the big roll. That one. This is completely revolting.
Sandi: Oooh, I found something.
Agent X: [narrative] Buncha fuss over nothing.
Sandi: Is this something?
Taskmaster: Ugh... your cat... He's licking the... ugh.
Agent X: [narrative] Bet there's probably something great we're all missing on TV right now. Naked people on cable, that fat ugly smelly guy on Food Network...
Sandi: If you have extra pieces, it's better to throw them out than try to jam them in, I think.
Taskmaster: Stupid cat! Hand me the staple gun.
Agent X: [narrative] But nooooo, Sandi and Tasky have other priorities, I guess.
Taskmaster: You've got to hold... hold that bit in. It's oozy. Stupid cat!
Sandi: I think this is as good as it's going to get, Tony.
Agent X: [narrative] Naked people and fat smelly ugly canapes aren't good enough for them. And what's worse, I know they're both mad at me, which is ridiculous. So I shot this 'Deadpool' guy in the head a little. People can be so judgemental.
Deadpool: blllrgh.
Agent X: [about Deadpool] I don't know him, don't recognize him... I just know I hate him for some reason. It's all I can do to keep from tearing his head off and kicking it off the roof. I dunno... just looking at him makes me want to nail his face to a bus.
Sandi: Alex, please.
Agent X: Yeah, the old face/bus nail gambit, that'd be smooth.
Agent X: [narrative] Awwww. He looks kinda peaceful lying there like that.
[Agent X begins to punch the living daylights out of Deadpool]
Sandi: Alex, you coming?
Agent X: [choking Deadpool] Coming~~!
Deadpool: HeeeEEeeeey! HEY! LOOK! LOOK!
Sandi: Mr. Wilson? What's... Oh, mr. Wilson!
Agent X: I'm gonna blow corn kernels from here to Latveria.
Deadpool: Winkie! Found a WINKIE! Boingy boingy boingy!
Sandi: Stop that, mr. Wilson! It's nasty!
Agent X: Oh, you gotta let me shoot him. Please. I'm beggin'.
Sandi: When is he going to stop?
Agent X: Pretty much never!
Agent X: Hey, he's got his pants off again. He sure seems proud of himself... Bad moron! BAD! Stop that! That's dirty!
Deadpool: Boingy boingy boingy!

Issue 15

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[Agent X is dreaming]
Sandi: Were you looking at my behind, Alex?
Agent X: Mfff, mf'mmm!
Sandi: Pardon me?
Agent X: No, ma'am!
Sandi: I don't mind, you know. You can look.
Agent X: I have a great job.
[Agent X is still dreaming]
Sandi: Your staff has been here since 6:00 AM, hoping to get a glimpse of you...
Doctor Octopus: There's the guy! Howdy, boss!
Bullseye: Way to wear a shirt, mr. Hayden, sir!
Constrictor: You fulfill us!
Doctor Doom: Doom's codpiece is full of respect!
Agent X: [has just been revived] That's... that's not sink water.
Sandi: You broke the sinks!
Agent X: That would explain the tiny bits of urinal cake, I guess.
Deadpool: Hey, am I as crazy as Martin Lawrence in a sweat suit on a hot day or did I just hear the sound of a couple hundred magazines being inserted? ... YI-YI-YI! FIRE IN THE HOLE! FIRE AT MY HOLE!
Deadpool: Hey, Fancy Feast...
Agent X: You took a lot from us, Swan. Our powers, our memories... but you forgot something.
Deadpool: Our cajones!
Agent X: ...I was going to say our courage, but whatever. Guy's obsessed with his schnitzel & 'taters.
Sandi: Tony... Tony, are you all right?
Taskmaster: ...unn.
Sandi: Tony?
Taskmaster: Sandi? 'm okay. Wait... listen... we may not get another chance. You know my gift. If I see someone do something, I can do it. All this week I've been watching soap operas and comedy romances trying to find some clue how to do this. I don't think it worked. But listen-- I've been shot, stabbed, punctured, burned, kicked, electrocuted, clubbed, drowned, and shoved off a building. But I never really hurt 'til I saw you with Hayden. That almost put me under.
Sandi: Tony... You... [tears up] You think I could ever be with a guy using a crap line like that? That mask of yours does come off sometimes, right?
Outlaw: [shoots Swan] Hey, cowboy... you'd better know... don't nobody shoot my... ex-boyfriend... 'cept for... 'cept for me. [she passes out]
Agent X: Come on.
Deadpool: You know, I actively dislike that pasty fellow.
Agent X: Come on.
Deadpool: So what have we learned?
Agent X: That his new freaking hybrid powers have a range limit. That that mental shield of his can stop bullets, but he has to be focused at the time.
Deadpool: Good job, Screech. And what's most important?
Agent X: That he can be surprised. [puts Outlaw down and kisses her on the forehead] Thank you, Inez.
Black Swan: Come now, Mr. Hayden. Show yourself. Let's make this simple. What kind of life can you possibly expect to make for yourself? Most everything that makes you interesting belongs to me. Even your fondness for this ridiculous theme park stems from my own. I was raised in the Bavarian Alps, Hayden. You have the body of a corpse and a patchwork quilt for a mind. I'll be doing you a service.
Outlaw: "The body of a...?" Is that for real?
Deadpool: Sure is, Annie Oakley. Guess that makes you a necro-whatsits.
Outlaw: You'd best let go of my friend, sweetie.
Black Swan: I know you, don't I? From Wade's memories. You're Crazy Inez.
Taskmaster: Heh. Now you've done it.
Outlaw: Don't-- [she punches straight through his stomach] CALL ME THAT!
Agent X: Dig, if you will, this bullet. See how it trembles inside. It wants to fly to its intended target. This is what it sounds like... when Swans die.
Agent X: Everyone else okay?
Deadpool: Let me check. [narrative] Do I still think in those little yellow boxes? [out loud] I'm good. [narrative] Oooh, I missed you, little boxes! What fun shall we have together!
Taskmaster: So... this merc agency idea of yours. Would we all get full dental?
Agent X: Sorry about beating the hell out of you when you were an imbecile. We got a slot for you if you want in.
Deadpool: Nah. I figure I have a lot of being a bad role model to catch up on.
Agent X: Heard that, man. Take care.
Deadpool: You too. Be seein' you.
Agent X: Although, come to think of it... he did stab me pretty good...
Deadpool: ...minding my own winkie in the bathtub, and he started beating on my poor skull... [attacks Agent X] STUPID LIFE-STEALING HOMAGE BUTTHEAD!
Agent X: WHINY PUSS-BABY CANCER FACE LOSER! TOE-SUCKING SPIDER-MAN-OUTFIT-STEALING DORK!
Deadpool: Matrix-lookin' mama's boy FROGLICKER!
Outlaw: It's like when you tie two cats on a line by their tails...
Taskmaster: Two real dumb cats.
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