Morticia: Gomez, darling, I'm going to have a baby. [a beat] Right now.
[Morticia lies on a gurney, enduring intense labour pains. Gomez hovers over her anxiously.]
Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? Is it torture?
Morticia: [coquettishly] Oui.
Little girl in the Hospital Waiting Room: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork and the stork flew down from heaven and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch and the diamond turned in to a baby.
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too
Wednesday: They had sex.
[Gomez approaches the family after their baby is born.]
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: ...It's an Addams!
(Looking at their new baby)
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
(the children meet the first nanny)
Heather: Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them? [lights a match]
Mrs. Montgomery: All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question- where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
Polly: [holding up a puppet] Hello, kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet! What shall we do today? I know- let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up a devil puppet] Hello, Polly. I'll clean my room...in exchange for your immortal soul.[puppet rubs hands together]
Debbie: [meeting Gomez] Isn't he a lady killer!
Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means orphan.
Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen Buckman: Boys?
[Debbie and Fester stroll through a graveyard in the moonlight.]
Debbie: [seductively posing on a tombstone] Fester, before we go any further, I have a confession. I'm a virgin.
Gomez: And now - the pièce de la résistance! [Lurch drags in an enormous, grayish cake; wheels creak] Ta-dah! [louder, after a pause] TA-DAH!
[Nothing happens. As an embarrassed silence descends on the party, Gomez opens the top of the cake and looks inside; smoke billows out]
Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head. The guests remain quiet, except for a few sympathetic coos from Cousin Itt. Gomez replaces the lid.]
Gomez: [brightening] C'est la vie!
[Fester is lying in bed, while Gomez sits next to him]
Gomez: [pulling an antiquated pornographic magazine from under Fester's comforter] And what's this...?
[Fester gives a naughty grin and the two brothers chuckle. Gomez opens the centerfold and they both look at it]
Gomez and Fester: [warmly] ...Mom!
[Wednesday and Joel sit on a bench looking out at the lake.]
Wednesday: Are you really allergic?
Joel: Uh-huh, to almost everything.
Wednesday: No, you're not.
Joel: Am too. I can't have dairy products, or wear wool, or drink fluoridated water. Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Joel: I die!
[Wednesday scoots closer to him as sentimental music plays]
Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Look at this- I got 'em, "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series- I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac guy. But look-The Black Widow!
Wednesday: It might be Debbie.
Joel: At least three rich husbands...all dead.
Pugsley: I'll trade you.
Joel: For what?
Pugsley: Amy Fisher.
[Morticia sits in a sunlit nursery, holding a cherubic Pubert and reading The Cat in the Hat; she pauses and looks down at him]
Morticia: Are you enjoying this?To think, a child of mine? [reading dismally] 'I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny'
[She flips to the last page]
Morticia: [sadly] Oh, no...he lives.
Morticia: You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive...but Debbie...
Morticia: [glancing at the decor] Pastels?
Debbie: [furious] Get out of my house!
Grandma: [waves a skull at Debbie] Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie: What is she doing?
Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.
[Gomez lies in bed, weeping in despair at Fester's departure; Fester bursts in and kneels by the bed]
Morticia, Grandmama: Fester!
Gomez: [distractedly] Fester? Where is Fester?
Morticia: He's right here, mon cher.
Fester: It's me, Gomez. I lived in shame, in the suburbs!
Gomez: [disgustedly] But you belong to Debbie! You are Debbie's love toy! You...are MISTER DEBBIE!!!
Fester: I am an Addams!
[Wednesday and Joel sit talking outside the Addams mansion]
Joel: Wednesday, do you think someday you might want to get married and have kids?
Joel: But what if you met just the right man, who worshiped and adored you, who'd do anything you say, who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?
Wednesday: I'd pity him.
Wednesday: Joel, I may never see you again. There are forces tearing us apart - Gary, Debbie, the 7th grade...
Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: You're too weird.
[Wednesday and Amanda do lifeguard saving at camp.]
Amanda: [horrified] Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Amanda: I'm going to be an actress.
Gary: Brava! Now, Amanda- jump in the water and swim out a couple of yards and start drowning. [Amanda jumps in the water]
Amanda: [overacting] Help me! I'm drowning! Help me, I'm dying! [she takes a deep breath and sinks]
Wednesday: [deadpan] I can't swim. [as large air bubbles erupt from the spot where Amanda is running out of air]
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: [scoffs] That's for damn sure.
Wednesday: But I want to be.
Gary: You do?
Wednesday: I want to smile, and sing, and dance, and be Pocahontas in Gary's vision.
Becky: Oh, darling, do you really mean it?
[Wednesday struggles, but forces a very wide and sinister smile. The other campers back away in fright.]
Becky: Isn't she pretty?
Amanda: She's scaring me!
[Debbie places a bomb inside a gift wrapped box and puts it on the table]
Debbie: Don't peek!
Fester: Oh, please, please! What is it? Is it...string?
Debbie: You never know!
Fester: Is it a...dog toy?
Debbie: Just you wait!
Fester: [picks up the present and shakes it] It's a bomb!
Debbie: [surprised] What?
[Debbie has just blown up the house.]
Fester: Sweetie! Did you get the champagne?
Debbie: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity, but oh, no, not you.
Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Fester: Don't you love me? [she laughs pityingly] Is that a no?
Debbie: Do I love you? Look at yourself! You're a nightmare, you're the Missing Link! You shouldn't be married, you should be studied! You're a big, dumb, weird...thing! No woman in her right mind could love you.
[During the camp's Thanksgiving play, with Wednesday as Pocahontas and Amanda as Sarah Miller]
Wednesday: [going off the script] Wait!
Amanda: [confused] What?
Wednesday: We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Becky: [whispering] Wednesday!
Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations; your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the roadside; you will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation; your people will have stick-shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words!
Wednesday: And for all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
Pugsley: Do you miss Debbie?
Fester: Sometimes, late at night...I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jesus, Fester, go back to your room!"
[at Debbie's grave]
Wednesday: She wasn't sick, she was sloppy. If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it- and I wouldn't get caught.
Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.
Joel: No, you wouldn't. [to the headstone] We're all very sorry, Debbie, and wish you only the best.
[Thing's hand erupts from the soil and grabs his arm; he screams as Wednesday gives an evil smile]
Amanda: ...And then the ghost said, and I will haunt you foreverrr!
Female Campers: Ahhhh.
Amanda: Wednesday, you have to continue the ghost story.
Wednesday: This is dumb.
Amanda: Well, if you can't do it.
Wednesday: [Puts her book down and sets up on the side of her bed] And so the next night the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, ' "None of you really believe in me. So I'll have to prove my power".' Then the next morning, when the campers woke up, all their old noses had grown back.