The Addams Family (TV series)

The Addams Family (1964–1966) is an American television sitcom about the misadventures of a blissfully macabre but extremely loving family. It is based on the characters in Charles Addams' New Yorker cartoons.

Theme song

They´re creepy and they´re kooky
mysterious and spooky
they´re all together ooky
the Addams Family!
- Composed and sung by Vic Mizzy.

Season 1

The Addams Family Goes to School [1.01]

Uncle Fester: School? I never went to school and look how I turned out.

Morticia: Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.

Morticia: Did I just hear a peal of thunder?

Gomez: You did, Tish, you did.

Morticia: Oh, that most heavenly sound... it makes life worth living.

Morticia and the Psychiatrist [1.02]

Morticia: What's closer in this world than a boy and his mother?

Pugsley: A boy and his octopus?

Gomez: Darling, there's something I was hoping I didn't have to tell you. The other afternoon, I saw Pugsley playing with a bat.

Morticia: A bat? Oh, well that's more like our boy.

Gomez: A baseball bat. It's a game, played outdoors... in the sun.

Fester's Punctured Romance [1.03]

Uncle Fester: Well, under the circumstances, I... I though I'd take a bride.

Morticia: Uncle Fester, you just can't take a one, you're supposed to find your own.

Gomez: It's the sporting way, old boy.

Morticia: You'll be fighting the women off with clubs...

Uncle Fester: Clubs? [thinks a moment] Yes... I think I'd like that...

Uncle Fester: [ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?

Morticia: I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?

Gomez: The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

Gomez, the Politician [1.04]

Uncle Fester: Oh, these conventions! There're so exciting!

Grandmama Addams: I remember the first time I voted, 1906.

Uncle Fester: Now, Mama, you know there was no women's suffrage in 1906.

Grandmama Addams: That didn't stop me.

Uncle Fester: You're a real Addams.

Gomez: That's our old friend from the school board - Sam L. Hilliard. I've changed horses in mid-stream. That's the Addams way!

Morticia: Oh, of course.

Gomez: The L stands for Lucifer.

Morticia: Very appropriate for a politician.

The Addams Family Tree [1.05]

Morticia: [painting a portrait of Cousin Bleak] But there's something about the eyes, I just can't seem to get them.

Gomez: That lid droops just a bit too much.

Morticia: The right eye, or the left?

Gomez: The middle one.

Gomez: Remember how I carried you across the threshold that first time?

Morticia: Not only across the threshold, but through the living room and up the stairs and into our room.

Gomez Addams: And I dropped you... only once.

Morticia Joins the Ladies League [1.06]

Gomez: How long have you owned the circus?

Oscar Webber: Oh, I bought it three years ago, but this past season everything's gone wrong. The fat lady fell in love. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Lost two hundred and forty pounds.

Gomez: That could be noticeable.

Oscar Webber: Then Marvin the midget... He got himself on a vitamin kick. Little punk started growing again.

Gomez: Oh, no.

Oscar Webber: Yeah. I went along with it for awhile, but when he hit five feet eight, I had to fire him.

Gomez: Five feet eight. Had you thought of billing him as the world's tallest midget?

Morticia: I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.

Gomez: Sometimes it frightens ME.

Morticia: I live in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.

Gomez: Banish the fear, mi querida. You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.

Halloween with the Addams Family [1.07]

Wednesday: Nice knife. Can I play autopsy with it?

[Pugsley and Wednesday present themselves in their Halloween outfits - a business man and bespeckled girl in a party dress]

Grandmama Addams: [pleased at the children's frightful costumes] They'll scare the wits out of people.

Uncle Fester: Yes. When you knock on neighbors' doors, you'd better say "Do not be alarmed, we are only little children."

Green-Eyed Gomez [1.08]

Uncle Fester: You mean you're gonna kill yourself?

Gomez: Of course not. Suicide is the coward's way out. I'm gonna let YOU kill me.

Gomez: It's no use, Lurch. Apparently I am doomed to live.

Lurch: Sorry, sir.

The New Neighbors Meet the Addams Family[1.09]

Morticia: [joining Gomez at the window] Well, what do they look like?

Gomez: Oh, just ordinary moving men. One's tall; one's medium.

Morticia: No, darling, I mean the new neighbors.

Gomez: Oh. I haven't seen them yet.

Morticia: Oh, Gomez, we've been very selfish. After all, they're newlyweds. I should've been over there a long time ago with a pot of henbane soup, some of my dwarf's hair cobbler, and marital advice.

Gomez: Let's go over right now.

Morticia: No, darling, I have a better idea. Let's invite them over tonight for a game of bridge.

Gomez: You think they'll want to play bridge on their wedding night?

Morticia: Oh course. It'll relax them.

Wednesday Leaves Home [1.10]

Pugsley: Mother! Father! Wednesday's flown the coop!

Gomez: Talk sense boy.

Pugsley: She's run away from home.

Gomez: Really? Very adventurous spirit. I didn't run away from home until I was eight.

Morticia: That's ridiculous.

Pugsley: She even left a note. I helped her write it.

[Hands note to Morticia]

Morticia: [reading] "Dear Mother and Father, I hate you. Love, Wednesday. P.S. Don't bother looking for me because I'm not anywhere. Goodbye, W."

Gomez: If you knew she was running away, why didn't you stop her?

Pugsley: You know women, once they've made up their minds...

The Addams Family Meet the VIPs [1.11]

Morticia: Ah darling, you look so serene and happy when you're throwing knives.

Gomez: Family trait.

Uncle Fester: I feel so good now, I'm gonna go out and chase automobiles. Wonderful hobby!

Morticia, the Matchmaker [1.12]

Melancholia: [explaining the reason for her surprise visit] It's Fred, my intended.

Morticia: He jilted you.

Melancholia: Well, I can't really say. He just took back his ring, sold his farm and joined the Foreign Legion.

Gomez: That is kind of indefinite.

Morticia: Mama is cooking up a real surprise.

Gomez: I am so hungry I could eat a wolf.

Morticia: Gomez, you guessed it!

Lurch Learns to Dance [1.13]

Morticia: Look at Mr. Addams. He's always developing outside interests.

Gomez: Right now I have the most enviable collection of coroner reports in the neighborhood.

Gomez: We must not indulge fear. I remember my Cousin Blob, deathly afraid of ghosts.

Morticia: Ghosts?

Gomez: Now he's one himself.

Morticia: Ah yes... I hear him on dark, stormy nights.

Gomez: Oh darling, those strange sounds from the attic aren't Cousin Blob.

Morticia: No?

Gomez: They're Grandma Squint. You can tell from her superb cackle.

Morticia: Ah yes... like music to my ears.

Lurch:: [to Wednesday Addams] I like being miserable.

Art and the Addams Family [1.14]

Grandmama: But what I need is the eye of a critic.

Gomez: A critic?

Grandmama: Yes, someone who'd give an unbiased opinion of my work.

Gomez: If you don't believe me, you could ask Uncle Fester.

Grandmama: Oh well, he's sweet, but he has an axe to grind.

Gomez: Well that's just for recreation.

Uncle Fester: You know, no artist is famous until his death. Maybe we can arrange it?

The Addams Family Meets a Beatnik [1.15]

Morticia: Now, darling, we want this to be a real surprise to Rocky, so I'll instruct the children to keep it an absolute secret. They're not to tell a living soul - or anyone else for that matter.

Morticia: [Rocky is recovering after fainting] You had us frightened, young man.

Rocky Cartwright III: Well, you got me a little frightened right now, but, eh, a couple of o' asperin and it's gonesville for you spooks.

Gomez: Spooks? [chuckles] Well now, there's no need for flattery.

Morticia: Thank you.

The Addams Family Meets the Undercover Man [1.16]

Morticia: Dear Mr. Hollister... We should send him something. I have it! Some of Mama's candied porcupine.

Gomez: Ah, the simple things are the best.

Gomez: I must tell him not to mix the plutonium with the uranium shipments. Otherwise, they'll never get here.

Uncle Fester: Boy, that'll really knock the coconuts off the trees.

Mother Lurch Visits the Addams Family [1.17]

Gomez: We'll call a family conference. Maybe Uncle Fester can think of something. He has a good head on his shoulders.

Morticia: Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around. He has two of them.

Gomez: You rang?

Mother Lurch: I don't trust you Gomez, you've got shifty eyes! And no good butler wears a mustache!

Gomez: Sorry madam, I was born with it.

Mother Lurch: Where have you been off to, some dark corner with that hussy of a maid?

Gomez: [to Lurch] Sir, I appeal to you!

Mother Lurch: You don't appeal to him and you don't appeal to me! My son is just too sweet and gentle. People take advantage of him. You're sloppy and inefficient!

Gomez: Sir, please tell her...

Lurch: You're sloppy and inefficient!

Uncle Fester's Illness [1.18]

Uncle Fester: If there is something wrong with me, I hope it's one of those rare tropical diseases. You know, Morticia, something, uh, glamorous.

Wednesday: Are you the Doctor that's going to cure Uncle Fester?

Dr. Milford: Well, I'm certainly going to try my best.

Wednesday: Where's your mask and spear?

Dr. Milford: My what?

Wednesday: The last doctor we had came like that.

Dr. Milford: Yes, well, um... Uh, this was the best I could do on a spur of the moment.

The Addams Family Splurges [1.19]

Gomez: Since gambling bets aren't enforceable by law...

Uncle Fester: Never mind about that, I'd shoot him in the back!

Morticia: Wouldn't that be rather drastic?

Gomez: For betrayal of trust? Violation of professional ethics? Shooting him in the back would be too good for him.

Uncle Fester: No, I think it'd be about right...

Morticia: [to Fester] Would you like to take the vulture for a little stroll? She seems to take to humans.

Gomez: Her favorite food.

Cousin Itt Visits the Addams Family [1.20]

Morticia: This is rather like being in the jungle again, isn't it, dear?

Gomez: You were wonderful to have on safari, Tish. No one could skin a hippopotamus like you could.

Morticia: Oh, darling, any housewife could do that. You were the remarkable one.

Gomez: Well...

Morticia: I'll never forget when that tiger broke cover. He charged our gun-bearer.

Gomez: Ah, yes. Dear Ali-Koshva.

Morticia: Quick as a wink and without a moment's hesitation you snapped your gun to your shoulder and fired.

Gomez: Bagged ourselves a wonderful gun-bearer.

Announcer: We interrupt with a special announcement: An hour ago a dangerous creature broke out of the city zoo. When last seen, the monster was heading for the Greenbrier-Woodlawn area.

Morticia: That's us again.

Lurch: Shall I bolt the windows and doors?

Gomez: Nonsense. It's probably another relative.

The Addams Family in Court [1.21]

Grandmama Addams: Where's Gomez?

Morticia: He's working on your release. Never lost a case, you know.

Grandmama Addams: And never won one either. Perfect record!

Morticia: Dear Mama. I'm so glad we're home, really. If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.

Gomez: I don't know why. She has her lizards and her comfy nail-bed, and if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.

Amnesia in the Addams Family [1.22]

Pugsley: You mean hit my own father with an Indian club?

Wednesday: It's for his own good.

Pugsley: Then you do it.

Wednesday: He might get mad at me.

Pugsley: He might get made at me, too.

Wednesday: But while father is ill, you're the head of the family.

Pugsley: [stands up] Hand me that club!

Gomez: I'm going to get you a lovely, golden-haired doll that says "Mama."

Wednesday: But what have I done?

Gomez: Nothing.

Wednesday: Then why are you punishing me?

Thing Is Missing [1.23]

Gomez: Morticia, it's a ransom note!

Morticia: A ransom note? You mean...

Gomez: He's been thing-napped!

Detective: But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs. Addams? Is it a pet?

Morticia: Well, it's... It's a family retainer.

Detective: Oh... oh, it's a... it's a SERVANT. Well, isn't THAT a person?

Morticia: Not necessarily.

Crisis in the Addams Family [1.24]

Uncle Fester: [back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.

[Fester plods off to his room]

Gomez: I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.

Morticia: It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

Gomez: All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and FIGHT like an ADDAMS?

Uncle Fester: Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.

Gomez: When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.

Lurch and His Harpsichord [1.25]

Morticia: So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.

Gomez: We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.

Morticia: What do you say to that?

Lurch: I quit.

Gomez: No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.

Morticia: Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.

[Lurch thinks for a moment]

Lurch: I quit.

Morticia: Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge, lead the way.

Gomez: That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.

Morticia: Oh? When he lead his men into battle?

Gomez: Off his sinking ship.

Morticia, the Breadwinner [1.26]

Morticia: We MUST think of ways to make money.

Uncle Fester: I know an easy way.

Morticia: Oh?

Uncle Fester: Print it.

Mr. Blooker: I'll kill myself.

Gomez Addams: Good thinking. Blooker, if you DO get that stock for me, I'll buy you the biggest, thickest, juiciest camel hump steak in town. Whadda ya have to say to that?

Mr. Blooker: I'll kill myself.

Gomez Addams: Got a one-track mind, Blooker - I like that!

The Addams Family and the Spaceman [1.27]

Uncle Fester: Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse!

Gomez: Come come, Fester, you had that for lunch.

Morticia: Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon. Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt?

Uncle Fester: Oh, they're always talking politics!

Morticia: Darling, are those men staring at us?

Gomez: Not us. At you. You're ravishing!

[Starts kissing her arm]

Morticia: Darling, please. It's early.

Gomez: Your watch is slow.

Uncle Fester: Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.

Gomez: Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.

Cousin Itt: Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!

Uncle Fester: Itt's right. They could be disguised.

Morticia: Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.

My Son, the Chimp [1.28]

Morticia: [told the chimpanzee is her son] No, I absolutely refuse to believe that THAT... Gomez? Look. He has that same lovely low brow as... you-know-who.

Gomez: Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jawline.

Chimpanzee: Oo, oo, oo, oo.

Morticia: Oh, it IS Pugsley. I know that voice anywhere.

[Thing engages the others in a game of charades to try telling them where he's found Pugsley]

Morticia: I think he's trying to tell us something.

Gomez: What is it, Thing? Something we should know?

Grandmama Addams: Is it smaller than a coffin?

Morticia: Larger than a tsetse fly?

Gomez: Is it the title of a song?

Morticia: Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?

Uncle Fester: How many syllables?

Gomez: Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.

[Thing slugs the air]

Morticia: Fight?

Grandmama Addams: Fighting.

Gomez: Fight-ER!

Morticia: Pugilist.

Gomez: Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.

Morticia's Favorite Charity [1.29]

Uncle Fester: Oh, not my suit of armor please, I need it to feel secure. Like Pugsley needs his wolf-head clock. That armor's the... only place I can find to hide in, to take my afternoon's nap.

Morticia: Uncle Fester, the whole family has given until it hurts.

Uncle Fester: Well, I like to hurt as much as anybody, but don't ask me to give my armor up. I have to wear it practically every day to scare off those neighborhood kids.

Morticia: They annoy you?

Uncle Fester: Oh not me, but... they keep waving sticks and throwing stones at my new pet falcon. And he's getting a nervous stomach.

Wednesday: [holding up her headless doll] I'm donating Mary Queen of Scots.

Morticia: Darling, that IS your most precious possession.

Wednesday: I can chop a head off another doll.

Morticia: I know, but all the heads don't come off as nicely as this one. Are you sure you want to donate Mary?

Wednesday: Yes, but I'll never be able to look her head in the eye again.

Progress and the Addams Family [1.30]

Morticia: Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?

Gomez: Oh, that. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.

[the Addams family prepares to ride along with the mansion on its move to a new location]

Morticia: Where are the children, dear?

Gomez: Oh, they're fine. They're riding on the roof.

Morticia: I do hope they don't get car sick. Is Lurch with them?

Gomez: Oh, no. He likes to ride with his head out the window and growl at the passing cars.

Uncle Fester's Toupee [1.31]

Gomez: Kitty-Cat doesn't need a hairpiece. Never met a lion who did.

Max: A lion? In THIS house?

Morticia: How else are the children going to learn anything about nature?

Gomez: I can't wait till pet day at school.

Morticia: Darling, I'm worried.

Gomez: About what?

Morticia: Uncle Fester and Madeline. I think those two are in love.

Gomez: With whom?

Morticia: With each other.

Gomez: Impossible.

Morticia: No, it's not at all impossible, darling. According to their horoscopes, it's perfect - she's a Capricorn and he's a bachelor.

Cousin Itt and the Vocational Counselor [1.32]

Mortimer Phelps: Cousin Itt? From, eh, who's side of the family?

Morticia: He's from both sides of the family. He hasn't quite found himself.

Gomez: And with Cousin Itt, that's not easy. He looks the same from every angle.

Morticia: Poor Cousin Itt, he's so nervous he went up in the treehouse with Uncle Fester.

Gomez: I hope a passing eagle doesn't snatch him up.

Morticia: Oh dear, he would make good nesting material, wouldn't he?

Lurch, the Teenage Idol [1.33]

Gomez: Lurch! He's been stabbed!

Morticia: Nonsense, darling. That's the way he sings.

Gomez: He'd be better stabbed.

Gomez: [Lurch has left] Well, he belongs to the ages now.

Morticia: I'll miss his happy smiling face.

Gomez: I need a drink. I'll ring for Fester.

[pulls the noose to chime the gong]

Lurch: You rang?

Gomez: Lurch!

Morticia: You're back!

Lurch: [exhausted after facing his adoring fans] To stay...

The Winning of Morticia Addams [1.34]

Gomez: Tish, Zen Yogi's been taking up entirely too much of my life.

Morticia: Darling, you're so right. And besides, all this standing on your head is getting rather expensive. None of your hats fit any more.

Dr. Francis Chalon: If you don't mind my saying so, I've made women forget their husbands in one day.

Morticia: Please, I love Gomez.

Dr. Francis Chalon: Who's Gomez?

Morticia: My husband.

Dr. Francis Chalon: You see? I've forgotten him already.

Lurch: Follow me!

Cast

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

The Addams Family (1964 TV series)

The Addams Family quotes at the Internet Movie Database