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Achewood

2001-2016 webcomic by Chris Onstad

Achewood is a comic written and illustrated by Chris Onstad. It debuted on October 1, 2001

Comics

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2001

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2002

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  • Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!
Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change!
Ray: No, really! They are really silly people! Stop listening to them!
Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?
Beef: They suck pretty bad huh Ray
Ray: That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?
Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure
  • Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS!

2003

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  • Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover! This is the big one! I...I'm talkin' physical therapy! Wheelchairs and stuff! Speakin' at high schools!
(Alt-text): i...am...here...to tell you not to get a hangover
  • Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete?
Nice Pete: It's kind of like
Nice Pete: It's kind of like playin' a basketball game
Nice Pete: I am there
Nice Pete: and the other player is there
Nice Pete: and it's just the two of us
Nice Pete: and I put the other player's body in my van
Nice Pete: and I am the winner
  • Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night
Beef: What was that
Beef: Heh heh that's right
Beef: "The wine so bad it made the news"

2004

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  • Beef: Hey there Jackie D
Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast
  • Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars!
Host: Really? I don't think I've ever--
Pat: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?!
  • Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years
  • Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN
Beef: SAY IT

2005

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Ray: Teodor, man! We need a logo for our new joint company! Come help us out, doggie!
Teodor (phone): They any sluts up ins?
Ray: What? Are there any sluts at my house?
Teodor (phone): 'Cause you know I ain't never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place!
Ray: Hey, you can make fun of me all in your corny deep voice, or you can get in on the ground floor of this thing.
Teodor (phone): Hode on, I got to tip the little Panama boy what vacuums my dropped gerunds out the bottom of the Escalade. Chocolate love, all.
(Alt-text): Never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place.


2006

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  • Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys.
Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything.
Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf because I own Airwolf. Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment.
  • Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you?
  • Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys!
  • Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey? Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said!

2007

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  • Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse. Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong.
  • Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef?
Teodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato.
  • Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese.
Cornelius: Fuck along, now.
  • Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINETEEN?! GO AHEAD!
  • Ray: Because I pay attention. I PAY ATTENTION. You didn't know I was paying attention because you weren't PAYING ATTENTION.
Ray: When I was a kid, a teacher told me to pay attention. I guess I took it to heart.
Ray: Beats me, man. Beats me why most dudes suck. Sure as hell ain't my scene.

2008

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  • Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance
Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin
  • Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help."

2009

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  • Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin
Ramses: You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me
Ramses: I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead

Alternate Text

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