2001-2016 webcomic by Chris Onstad
- Teodor: Philippe is standing on it.
- Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?
- Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!
- Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change!
- Ray: No, really! They are really silly people! Stop listening to them!
- Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?
- Beef: They suck pretty bad huh Ray
- Ray: That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?
- Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure
- Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS!
- Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover! This is the big one! I...I'm talkin' physical therapy! Wheelchairs and stuff! Speakin' at high schools!
- (Alt-text): i...am...here...to tell you not to get a hangover
- Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete?
- Nice Pete: It's kind of like
- Nice Pete: It's kind of like playin' a basketball game
- Nice Pete: I am there
- Nice Pete: and the other player is there
- Nice Pete: and it's just the two of us
- Nice Pete: and I put the other player's body in my van
- Nice Pete: and I am the winner
- Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad.
- Note to consumers: 68% of "McAfrica" pita sandwiches test positive for HIV.
- Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles
- Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night
- Beef: What was that
- Beef: Heh heh that's right
- Beef: "The wine so bad it made the news"
- Beef: Hey there Jackie D
- Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast
- Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars!
- Host: Really? I don't think I've ever--
- Pat: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?!
- Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years
- Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN
- Beef: SAY IT
- Teodor: He'd murder dead things if science would let him.
- Ray: Teodor, man! We need a logo for our new joint company! Come help us out, doggie!
- Teodor (phone): They any sluts up ins?
- Ray: What? Are there any sluts at my house?
- Teodor (phone): 'Cause you know I ain't never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place!
- Ray: Hey, you can make fun of me all in your corny deep voice, or you can get in on the ground floor of this thing.
- Teodor (phone): Hode on, I got to tip the little Panama boy what vacuums my dropped gerunds out the bottom of the Escalade. Chocolate love, all.
- (Alt-text): Never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place.
- Ray: Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man, why they got to do a thing?
- Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys.
- Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything.
- Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf because I own Airwolf. Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment.
- Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you?
- Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys!
- Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey? Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said!
- Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse. Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong.
- Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef?
- Teodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato.
- Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese.
- Cornelius: Fuck along, now.
- Ray: HEY! Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch!
- Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINETEEN?! GO AHEAD!
- Ray: YOU JUST STAY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYBODY'S FACE UNTIL YOU GOT THE FUCKIN' JUICE TO GET A JOB WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A CHAIR!
- Fuck You Friday September Twenty-First
- Ray: Because I pay attention. I PAY ATTENTION. You didn't know I was paying attention because you weren't PAYING ATTENTION.
- Ray: When I was a kid, a teacher told me to pay attention. I guess I took it to heart.
- Ray: Beats me, man. Beats me why most dudes suck. Sure as hell ain't my scene.
- Beef: Disneyland was wall to wall five-hundred-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos and kids named Desteny
- Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance
- Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin
- Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help."
- Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin
- Ramses: You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me
- Ramses: I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead
- Welshman: IF I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, THEN I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, BUT JUDGE ME NOT 'TIL YE ALSO HAVE SURRENDERED TO THE BLADE OF ECSTASY THAT IS THE NACHO CHIP!
Alternate Text Edit
- Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets of Zyrelax.
- Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things.
- Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men
- Patronize your local fast food cart
- Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful.
- 750 dudes with Tron pillows go Oh, No Wonder.
- It is pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad.