According to Jim
- Jim: Will you do something for me?
- Cheryl: Anything.
- Jim: All right! I got all day to think about it.
- Cheryl: What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
- Jim: I don't know, but honey, we got to do something, cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...
- Cheryl: ...Gracie...
- Jim: ...right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.
The Crush [1.06]Edit
- Jim: Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom.
- Dana: You didn't use it, did you?
- Jim: Not on my teeth.
Cheryl's Old Flame [1.07]Edit
- Jim: Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?
- Jim: Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?
- Cheryl: You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.
- Jim: Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?
An According to Jiminy Christmas [1.10]Edit
- Ruby: What's that on daddy's head.
- Cheryl: Hair.
- Jim: Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.
- Cheryl: Hey, where are you going?
- Jim: I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.
Model Behavior [1.12]Edit
- Jim: Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it.
- Jim: Are you nervous?
- Ruby: No.
- Jim: Then why are your hands so cold?
- Ruby: You made me hold your Slurpee!
The Importance of Being Jim [2.01]Edit
Cars & Chicks [2.02]Edit
The Baby Monitor [2.03]Edit
The Pizza Boy [2.04]Edit
- Jim: I married her for her looks.
- Cheryl: I married him for his money.
- Jim: Hah! I win!
The Closet [2.05]Edit
Punch the Ruby [2.06]Edit
- Jim: Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
- Dana: But you are big, Jim.
- Cheryl: Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
- Dana: Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!
The Bachelor [2.07]Edit
- Dana: You guys are not gonna believe this.
- Jim: Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.
Father Disfigure [2.08]Edit
- Jim: Where's the rulebook?"
- Cheryl: What rulebook?"
- Jim: You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.
- Jim: You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?
- Reverend: Gaylord.
Thanksgiving Confidential [2.09]Edit
The Christmas Party [2.10]Edit
- Jim: Well you know what Cheryl? I'm having a cutlery sale: 50% off every knife in my back!
The Brother-in-Law [2.11]Edit
Moral Dilemma [2.12]Edit
- Jim: Here's a language everybody understands. [Pulls out a bill]
- Dana: Is that a one dollar bill Jim?
- Jim: Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.
You Gotta Love Somebody [2.13]Edit
You Gotta Love Somebody [2.14]Edit
The Smell of Success [2.15]Edit
Slumber Party [2.16]Edit
The Ring [2.17]Edit
Wonder Woman [2.18]Edit
The Pass [2.19]Edit
Dana Gets Fired [2.20]Edit
Bo Diddley [2.21]Edit
Deal with the Devlins [2.22]Edit
The Helmet [2.23]Edit
No Harm, No Foul [2.24]Edit
About a Girl [2.25]Edit
- Jim: I am in great shape.
- Cheryl: What shape is that, a circle?
Mom's Boyfriend [2.26]Edit
Vegas, Baby (Part 1 of 2) [2.27]Edit
Vegas, Baby (Part 2 of 2) [2.28]Edit
The Errand [3.01]Edit
- Cheryl: [about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
The Packer Ball [3.02]Edit
We Have a Bingo [3.03]Edit
Getting to Know You [3.04]Edit
The Lemonade Stand [3.05]Edit
ABCs and 123s [3.06]Edit
Dana Dates Jim [3.07]Edit
Scary Movie [3.08]Edit
Imaginary Friend [3.09]Edit
The Empty Gesture [3.11]Edit
Rules of Engagement [3.12]Edit
Secret Santa [3.13]Edit
House for Sale [3.14]Edit
- Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches.
Dana Dates the Reverend [3.15]Edit
The Best Man [3.16]Edit
Cheryl Sings [3.17]Edit
- Mindy: [speaking Japanese] Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
- Dana: I'd like to kill myself.
- Mindy: Silly – no.
- Dana: No, I'd like to kill myself.
When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 1 of 2) [3.18]Edit
When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2) [3.19]Edit
- Dana: Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!
- Andy: I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!
No Crime, But Punishment [3.20]Edit
- Jim: Cheryl, books are for idiots!
The Baby [3.21]Edit
- Andy: Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?
- Jim: The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.
Who's the Boss? [3.22]Edit
- Jim: [about World War II] Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1.
The Truck [3.23]Edit
- Jim: [to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
- Dana: What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?
The Toilet [3.24]Edit
- Jim: The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!
The Marriage Bank [3.26]Edit
Everyone Gets Dumped [3.27]Edit
The Swimming Pool [3.28]Edit
A Vast Difference [3.29]Edit
A Hole in One [4.01]Edit
The Effort [4.02]Edit
The Grill [4.03]Edit
The Garage Door [4.04]Edit
- Andy: Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...
- Jim: You're insane!
Dress to Kill Me [4.05]Edit
- Jim: All right. I was hoping you wouldn't come to this, but I'm gonna have to call the Halloween police. That's right, Kyle. What you do is illegal. But they're not gonna arrest you. No, they're gonna come and take daddy away. Is that what you want?
- Kyle: I want to be Cinderella!
- Jim: All right! (looks at Andy) That's it, I need a break. You want a beer?
Father-Daughter Dance [4.06]Edit
Plot Twist [4.07]Edit
The Hunters [4.08]Edit
Poking the Bear [4.09]Edit
Stalking Santa [4.10]Edit
Sympathy from the Devlins [4.11]Edit
The Nanny-Cam [4.12]Edit
The Jealous Husband [4.13]Edit
A Crying Shame [4.14]Edit
Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner? [4.15]Edit
The Wedding Dress [4.16]Edit
The Mustache [4.17]Edit
Shall We Dance? [4.18]Edit
Take My Wife, Please [4.19]Edit
Spelling Bee [4.20]Edit
Kentucky Fried Beltzman [4.21]Edit
The Clock [4.22]Edit
The Competition [4.23]Edit
The Bachelorette Party [4.24]Edit
Geronimo Jim [4.25]Edit
The Scrapbook [4.26]Edit
Wedding Bell Blues [4.27]Edit
Foul Ball [5.01]Edit
The Tale of the Tape (Part 1 of 2) [5.02]Edit
The Tale of the Tape (Part 2 of 2) [5.03]Edit
Charity Begins at Hef's [5.04]Edit
The Race [5.05]Edit
The Chick Whisperer [5.07]Edit
James & the Annoying Peach [5.08]Edit
The Dream [5.09]Edit
Lean on Me [5.10]Edit
The Gift of Maggie [5.11]Edit
Sex Ed Fred [5.12]Edit
Renewing Vows [5.13]Edit
The Stick [5.14]Edit
Mr. Right [5.15]Edit
- Jim: Eric Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!
- Cheryl:"It was NOT Eric Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!
- Jim: Guns!
- Cheryl: Thumbs up!
- Jim: GUNS!
- Cheryl: THUMBS UP!
Get Your Freak On [5.16]Edit
The Grumpy Guy [5.17]Edit
Polite Jim [5.18]Edit
Daddy Dearest [5.19]Edit
The Thin Green Line [5.20]Edit
Jim's Best Friend [5.21]Edit
- Jim: Cheryl, can Kyle swim?
- Cheryl: I don't care. Hey, were's Andy? I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?
- Jim: Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it.
- Cheryl: Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?
- Jim: I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else.
- Ryan: You had chest pains Andy. You know that's it, I'm taking your blood pressure.
- Andy: As long as you don't do it rectally!
- Ryan: Not if you were stuffed full of gold.
Belaboring the Point [5.22]Edit
The Punch [6.01]Edit
The Flannelsexual [6.02]Edit
- [Talking about the guinea pig Fluffy]
- Veterinarian: Are you Fluffy's father.
- Jim: I'd like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman.
- Cheryl: How's Fluffy?
- Jim: Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks.
- Cheryl: Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?
- Jim: Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky.
- Cheryl: "kay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks.
- Jim: You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!
Hoosier Daddy [6.04]Edit
Good Grief [6.05]Edit
All the Rage [6.06]Edit
Cheryl Gone Wild [6.07]Edit
- Jim: [About looking after Dana while she's pregnant] Heroes aren't born...they're cornered.
Separate Ways [6.10]Edit
In Case of Jimergency [6.11]Edit
Coach Jim [6.12]Edit
The At-Bat [6.13]Edit
What Lies Beneath [6.14]Edit
The Grill II [6.15]Edit
Devlin in Disguise [6.16]Edit
Any Man of Mine [6.17]Edit
- Jim: Maybe something that will make you less miserable ... like two tickets two Les Misérables [pronounced less miserables]."
- Jim: Cheryl, I don't think the gays have second base. Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run.
Jim's Birthday [6.18]Edit
Jim Almighty [7.01]Edit
- Jim: When you go for beer, Gopherhoff?
The Hot Wife [7.02]Edit
- Jim: You know what always helps me when I'm not feeling sexy? Some good old-fashioned sex.
- Cheryl: Are you crazy?
- Jim: Yes. You know that.
- Cheryl: Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you.
Safety Last [7.03]Edit
The Perfect Fight [7.04]Edit
Cheryl Goes to Florida [7.05]Edit
Ruby's First Date [7.06]Edit
Period Peace [7.07]Edit
The Rendezvous [7.08]Edit
Goodwill Hunting [7.09]Edit
All Dolled Up [7.10]Edit
- Jim [To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's "perfect" party] It wasn't perfect, alright? The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued! Isn't that great!?
Pregnancy Brain [7.11]Edit
The Gift Certificate [7.12]Edit
I Drink Your Milkshake [7.13]Edit
The Chaperone [7.14]Edit
The Six-Week Curse [7.15]Edit
- Jim: You know that wearing G.I. Joe underwear does not mean you're going commando.
The Cheater [7.16]Edit
- Gracie: There's no way that this milk can stretch over three bowls of cereal.
- Jim: You know what? When your daddy was raised during the Great Depression . . . you know what we had to put in our cereal? Tears.
- Ruby: The Great Depression was in the 30s.
- Jim: Honey, we were so poor that we couldn't afford calendars.
No Bedrest for the Wicked [7.17]Edit
The Devil Went Down to Oak Park [7.18]Edit
The Blankie [8.01]Edit
The New Best Friend [8.02]Edit
Jami McFame [8.03]Edit
Andy's Proposal [8.04]Edit
Two for the Money [8.05]Edit
Cabin Boys [8.06]Edit
The Ego Boost [8.07]Edit
The Yoga Bear [8.08]Edit
Kyle's Crush [8.09]Edit
The Meaningful Gift [8.10]Edit
The Daddy Way [8.11]Edit
- Phil: I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know how I'm going to explain all this extra I've won to my wife.
- Jim: That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
- Phil: I just think she's going to catch it. She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
- Jim: I stand corrected: that is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
- Jim: Bill! Bill! Bill!
- Phil: My name's Phil.
- Jim: Who cares!
Physical Therapy [8.12]Edit
The Cooler One [8.13]Edit
Happy Jim [8.14]Edit
King of the Nerds [8.15]Edit
I Hate the High Road [8.16]Edit
Diamonds Are a Ghoul's Best Friend [8.17]Edit
Heaven Opposed to Hell [8.18]Edit
- Jim: Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!
- Jim Belushi – Jim
- Courtney Thorne-Smith – Cheryl
- Kimberly Williams-Paisley – Dana Gibson (Seasons 1–7, guest season 8)
- Larry Joe Campbell – Andy
- Taylor Atelian – Ruby
- Billi Bruno – Gracie
- Conner Rayburn – Kyle (Seasons 4–8)