According to Jim
- Jim: Will you do something for me?
- Cheryl: Anything.
- Jim: All right! I got all day to think about it.
- Cheryl: What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
- Jim: I don't know, but honey, we got to do something, cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...
- Cheryl: ...Gracie...
- Jim: ...right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.
No Nookie [1.02]Edit
The Cat Came Back [1.03]Edit
Unruly Spirits [1.05]Edit
The Crush [1.06]Edit
- Jim: Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom.
- Dana: You didn't use it, did you?
- Jim: Not on my teeth.
Cheryl's Old Flame [1.07]Edit
- Jim: Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?
- Jim: Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?
- Cheryl: You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.
- Jim: Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?
The Turkey Bowl [1.08]Edit
Andy's Girlfriend [1.09]Edit
An According to Jiminy Christmas [1.10]Edit
- Ruby: What's that on daddy's head.
- Cheryl: Hair.
- Jim: Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.
- Cheryl: Hey, where are you going?
- Jim: I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.
Bad Word [1.11]Edit
Model Behavior [1.12]Edit
- Jim: Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it.
- Jim: Are you nervous?
- Ruby: No.
- Jim: Then why are your hands so cold?
- Ruby: You made me hold your Slurpee!
The Money [1.13]Edit
Under Pressure [1.16]Edit
Date Night [1.17]Edit
Birthday Boys [1.18]Edit
The Receipt [1.19]Edit
Old Friends [1.20]Edit
Cheryl's Day Off [1.21]Edit
No Surprises [1.22]Edit
The Importance of Being Jim [2.01]Edit
Cars & Chicks [2.02]Edit
The Baby Monitor [2.03]Edit
The Pizza Boy [2.04]Edit
- Jim: I married her for her looks.
- Cheryl: I married him for his money.
- Jim: Hah! I win!
The Closet [2.05]Edit
Punch the Ruby [2.06]Edit
- Jim: Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
- Dana: But you are big, Jim.
- Cheryl: Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
- Dana: Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!
The Bachelor [2.07]Edit
- Dana: You guys are not gonna believe this.
- Jim: Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.
Father Disfigure [2.08]Edit
- Jim: Where's the rulebook?"
- Cheryl: What rulebook?"
- Jim: You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.
- Jim: You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?
- Reverend: Gaylord.
Thanksgiving Confidential [2.09]Edit
The Christmas Party [2.10]Edit
- Jim: Well you know what Cheryl? I'm having a cutlery sale: 50% off every knife in my back!
The Brother-in-Law [2.11]Edit
Moral Dilemma [2.12]Edit
- Jim: Here's a language everybody understands. [Pulls out a bill]
- Dana: Is that a one dollar bill Jim?
- Jim: Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.
You Gotta Love Somebody [2.13]Edit
You Gotta Love Somebody [2.14]Edit
The Smell of Success [2.15]Edit
Slumber Party [2.16]Edit
The Ring [2.17]Edit
Wonder Woman [2.18]Edit
The Pass [2.19]Edit
Dana Gets Fired [2.20]Edit
Bo Diddley [2.21]Edit
Deal with the Devlins [2.22]Edit
The Helmet [2.23]Edit
No Harm, No Foul [2.24]Edit
About a Girl [2.25]Edit
- Jim: I am in great shape.
- Cheryl: What shape is that, a circle?
Mom's Boyfriend [2.26]Edit
Vegas, Baby (Part 1 of 2) [2.27]Edit
Vegas, Baby (Part 2 of 2) [2.28]Edit
The Errand [3.01]Edit
- Cheryl: [about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
The Packer Ball [3.02]Edit
We Have a Bingo [3.03]Edit
Getting to Know You [3.04]Edit
The Lemonade Stand [3.05]Edit
ABCs and 123s [3.06]Edit
Dana Dates Jim [3.07]Edit
Scary Movie [3.08]Edit
Imaginary Friend [3.09]Edit
The Empty Gesture [3.11]Edit
Rules of Engagement [3.12]Edit
Secret Santa [3.13]Edit
House for Sale [3.14]Edit
- Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches.
Dana Dates the Reverend [3.15]Edit
The Best Man [3.16]Edit
Cheryl Sings [3.17]Edit
- Mindy: [speaking Japanese] Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
- Dana: I'd like to kill myself.
- Mindy: Silly – no.
- Dana: No, I'd like to kill myself.
When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 1 of 2) [3.18]Edit
When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2) [3.19]Edit
- Dana: Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!
- Andy: I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!
No Crime, But Punishment [3.20]Edit
- Jim: Cheryl, books are for idiots!
The Baby [3.21]Edit
- Andy: Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?
- Jim: The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.
Who's the Boss? [3.22]Edit
- Jim: [about World War II] Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1.
The Truck [3.23]Edit
- Jim: [to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
- Dana: What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?
The Toilet [3.24]Edit
- Jim: The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!
The Marriage Bank [3.26]Edit
Everyone Gets Dumped [3.27]Edit
The Swimming Pool [3.28]Edit
A Vast Difference [3.29]Edit
A Hole in One [4.01]Edit
The Effort [4.02]Edit
The Grill [4.03]Edit
The Garage Door [4.04]Edit
- Andy: Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...
- Jim: You're insane!
Dress to Kill Me [4.05]Edit
Father-Daughter Dance [4.06]Edit
Plot Twist [4.07]Edit
The Hunters [4.08]Edit
Poking the Bear [4.09]Edit
Stalking Santa [4.10]Edit
Sympathy from the Devlins [4.11]Edit
The Nanny-Cam [4.12]Edit
The Jealous Husband [4.13]Edit
A Crying Shame [4.14]Edit
Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner? [4.15]Edit
The Wedding Dress [4.16]Edit
The Mustache [4.17]Edit
Shall We Dance? [4.18]Edit
Take My Wife, Please [4.19]Edit
Spelling Bee [4.20]Edit
Kentucky Fried Beltzman [4.21]Edit
The Clock [4.22]Edit
The Competition [4.23]Edit
The Bachelorette Party [4.24]Edit
Geronimo Jim [4.25]Edit
The Scrapbook [4.26]Edit
Wedding Bell Blues [4.27]Edit
Foul Ball [5.01]Edit
The Tale of the Tape (Part 1 of 2) [5.02]Edit
The Tale of the Tape (Part 2 of 2) [5.03]Edit
Charity Begins at Hef's [5.04]Edit
The Race [5.05]Edit
The Chick Whisperer [5.07]Edit
James & the Annoying Peach [5.08]Edit
The Dream [5.09]Edit
Lean on Me [5.10]Edit
The Gift of Maggie [5.11]Edit
Sex Ed Fred [5.12]Edit
Renewing Vows [5.13]Edit
The Stick [5.14]Edit
Mr. Right [5.15]Edit
- Jim: Eric Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!
- Cheryl:"It was NOT Eric Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!
- Jim: Guns!
- Cheryl: Thumbs up!
- Jim: GUNS!
- Cheryl: THUMBS UP!
Get Your Freak On [5.16]Edit
The Grumpy Guy [5.17]Edit
Polite Jim [5.18]Edit
Daddy Dearest [5.19]Edit
The Thin Green Line [5.20]Edit
Jim's Best Friend [5.21]Edit
- Jim: Cheryl, can Kyle swim?
- Cheryl: I don't care. Hey, were's Andy? I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?
- Jim: Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it.
- Cheryl: Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?
- Jim: I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else.
- Ryan: You had chest pains Andy. You know that's it, I'm taking your blood pressure.
- Andy: As long as you don't do it rectally!
- Ryan: Not if you were stuffed full of gold.
Belaboring the Point [5.22]Edit
The Punch [6.01]Edit
The Flannelsexual [6.02]Edit
- [Talking about the guinea pig Fluffy]
- Veterinarian: Are you Fluffy's father.
- Jim: I'd like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman.
- Cheryl: How's Fluffy?
- Jim: Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks.
- Cheryl: Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?
- Jim: Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky.
- Cheryl: "kay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks.
- Jim: You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!
Hoosier Daddy [6.04]Edit
Good Grief [6.05]Edit
All the Rage [6.06]Edit
Cheryl Gone Wild [6.07]Edit
- Jim: [About looking after Dana while she's pregnant] Heroes aren't born...they're cornered.
Separate Ways [6.10]Edit
In Case of Jimergency [6.11]Edit
Coach Jim [6.12]Edit
The At-Bat [6.13]Edit
What Lies Beneath [6.14]Edit
The Grill II [6.15]Edit
Devlin in Disguise [6.16]Edit
Any Man of Mine [6.17]Edit
- Jim: Maybe something that will make you less miserable ... like two tickets two Les Misérables [pronounced less miserables]."
- Jim: Cheryl, I don't think the gays have second base. Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run.
Jim's Birthday [6.18]Edit
Jim Almighty [7.01]Edit
- Jim: When you go for beer, Gopherhoff?
The Hot Wife [7.02]Edit
- Jim: You know what always helps me when I'm not feeling sexy? Some good old-fashioned sex.
- Cheryl: Are you crazy?
- Jim: Yes. You know that.
- Cheryl: Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you.
Safety Last [7.03]Edit
The Perfect Fight [7.04]Edit
Cheryl Goes to Florida [7.05]Edit
Ruby's First Date [7.06]Edit
Period Peace [7.07]Edit
The Rendezvous [7.08]Edit
Goodwill Hunting [7.09]Edit
All Dolled Up [7.10]Edit
- Jim [To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's "perfect" party] It wasn't perfect, alright? The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued! Isn't that great!?
Pregnancy Brain [7.11]Edit
The Gift Certificate [7.12]Edit
I Drink Your Milkshake [7.13]Edit
The Chaperone [7.14]Edit
The Six-Week Curse [7.15]Edit
- Jim: You know that wearing G.I. Joe underwear does not mean you're going commando.
The Cheater [7.16]Edit
- Gracie: There's no way that this milk can stretch over three bowls of cereal.
- Jim: You know what? When your daddy was raised during the Great Depression . . . you know what we had to put in our cereal? Tears.
- Ruby: The Great Depression was in the 30s.
- Jim: Honey, we were so poor that we couldn't afford calendars.
No Bedrest for the Wicked [7.17]Edit
The Devil Went Down to Oak Park [7.18]Edit
The Blankie [8.01]Edit
The New Best Friend [8.02]Edit
Jami McFame [8.03]Edit
Andy's Proposal [8.04]Edit
Two for the Money [8.05]Edit
Cabin Boys [8.06]Edit
The Ego Boost [8.07]Edit
The Yoga Bear [8.08]Edit
Kyle's Crush [8.09]Edit
The Meaningful Gift [8.10]Edit
The Daddy Way [8.11]Edit
- Phil: I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know how I'm going to explain all this extra I've won to my wife.
- Jim: That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
- Phil: I just think she's going to catch it. She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
- Jim: I stand corrected: that is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
- Jim: Bill! Bill! Bill!
- Phil: My name's Phil.
- Jim: Who cares!
Physical Therapy [8.12]Edit
The Cooler One [8.13]Edit
Happy Jim [8.14]Edit
King of the Nerds [8.15]Edit
I Hate the High Road [8.16]Edit
Diamonds Are a Ghoul's Best Friend [8.17]Edit
Heaven Opposed to Hell [8.18]Edit
- Jim: Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!
- Jim Belushi – Jim
- Courtney Thorne-Smith – Cheryl
- Kimberly Williams-Paisley – Dana Gibson (Seasons 1–7, guest season 8)
- Larry Joe Campbell – Andy
- Taylor Atelian – Ruby
- Billi Bruno – Gracie
- Conner Rayburn – Kyle (Seasons 4–8)