According to Jim

television series

According to Jim (2001–2009) s an American TV sitcom staring Jim Belushi in the title role as a suburban father of five children. It originally ran on ABC from October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.


Contents

Season 1Edit

Pilot [1.01]Edit

Jim: Will you do something for me?
Cheryl: Anything.
Jim: All right! I got all day to think about it.

Cheryl: What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
Jim: I don't know, but honey, we got to do something, cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...
Cheryl: ...Gracie...
Jim: ...right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.

The Crush [1.06]Edit

Jim: Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom.
Dana: You didn't use it, did you?
Jim: Not on my teeth.

Cheryl's Old Flame [1.07]Edit

Jim: Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?

Jim: Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?
Cheryl: You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.
Jim: Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?

An According to Jiminy Christmas [1.10]Edit

Ruby: What's that on daddy's head.
Cheryl: Hair.
Jim: Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.

Cheryl: Hey, where are you going?
Jim: I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.

Model Behavior [1.12]Edit

Jim: Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it.

Jim: Are you nervous?
Ruby: No.
Jim: Then why are your hands so cold?
Ruby: You made me hold your Slurpee!

Season 2Edit

The Importance of Being Jim [2.01]Edit

Cars & Chicks [2.02]Edit

The Baby Monitor [2.03]Edit

The Pizza Boy [2.04]Edit

Jim: I married her for her looks.
Cheryl: I married him for his money.
Jim: Hah! I win!

The Closet [2.05]Edit

Punch the Ruby [2.06]Edit

Jim: Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
Dana: But you are big, Jim.

Cheryl: Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
Dana: Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!

The Bachelor [2.07]Edit

Dana: You guys are not gonna believe this.
Jim: Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.

Father Disfigure [2.08]Edit

Jim: Where's the rulebook?"
Cheryl: What rulebook?"
Jim: You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.

Jim: You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?
Reverend: Gaylord.

Thanksgiving Confidential [2.09]Edit

The Christmas Party [2.10]Edit

Jim: Well you know what Cheryl? I'm having a cutlery sale: 50% off every knife in my back!

The Brother-in-Law [2.11]Edit

Moral Dilemma [2.12]Edit

Jim: Here's a language everybody understands. [Pulls out a bill]
Dana: Is that a one dollar bill Jim?
Jim: Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.

You Gotta Love Somebody [2.13]Edit

You Gotta Love Somebody [2.14]Edit

The Smell of Success [2.15]Edit

Slumber Party [2.16]Edit

The Ring [2.17]Edit

Wonder Woman [2.18]Edit

The Pass [2.19]Edit

Dana Gets Fired [2.20]Edit

Bo Diddley [2.21]Edit

Deal with the Devlins [2.22]Edit

The Helmet [2.23]Edit

No Harm, No Foul [2.24]Edit

About a Girl [2.25]Edit

Jim: I am in great shape.
Cheryl: What shape is that, a circle?

Mom's Boyfriend [2.26]Edit

Vegas, Baby (Part 1 of 2) [2.27]Edit

Vegas, Baby (Part 2 of 2) [2.28]Edit

Season 3Edit

The Errand [3.01]Edit

Cheryl: [about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.

The Packer Ball [3.02]Edit

We Have a Bingo [3.03]Edit

Getting to Know You [3.04]Edit

The Lemonade Stand [3.05]Edit

ABCs and 123s [3.06]Edit

Dana Dates Jim [3.07]Edit

Scary Movie [3.08]Edit

Imaginary Friend [3.09]Edit

Paintball [3.10]Edit

The Empty Gesture [3.11]Edit

Rules of Engagement [3.12]Edit

Secret Santa [3.13]Edit

House for Sale [3.14]Edit

Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches.

Dana Dates the Reverend [3.15]Edit

The Best Man [3.16]Edit

Cheryl Sings [3.17]Edit

Mindy: [speaking Japanese] Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
Dana: I'd like to kill myself.
Mindy: Silly – no.
Dana: No, I'd like to kill myself.

When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 1 of 2) [3.18]Edit

When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2) [3.19]Edit

Dana: Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!

Andy: I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!

No Crime, But Punishment [3.20]Edit

Jim: Cheryl, books are for idiots!

The Baby [3.21]Edit

Andy: Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?

Jim: The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.

Who's the Boss? [3.22]Edit

Jim: [about World War II] Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1.

The Truck [3.23]Edit

Jim: [to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
Dana: What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?

The Toilet [3.24]Edit

Jim: The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!

Trashed [3.25]Edit

The Marriage Bank [3.26]Edit

Everyone Gets Dumped [3.27]Edit

The Swimming Pool [3.28]Edit

A Vast Difference [3.29]Edit

Season 4Edit

A Hole in One [4.01]Edit

The Effort [4.02]Edit

The Grill [4.03]Edit

The Garage Door [4.04]Edit

Andy: Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...
Jim: You're insane!

Dress to Kill Me [4.05]Edit

Jim: All right. I was hoping you wouldn't come to this, but I'm gonna have to call the Halloween police. That's right, Kyle. What you do is illegal. But they're not gonna arrest you. No, they're gonna come and take daddy away. Is that what you want?
Kyle: I want to be Cinderella!
Jim: All right! (looks at Andy) That's it, I need a break. You want a beer?

Father-Daughter Dance [4.06]Edit

Plot Twist [4.07]Edit

The Hunters [4.08]Edit

Poking the Bear [4.09]Edit

Stalking Santa [4.10]Edit

Sympathy from the Devlins [4.11]Edit

The Nanny-Cam [4.12]Edit

The Jealous Husband [4.13]Edit

A Crying Shame [4.14]Edit

Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner? [4.15]Edit

The Wedding Dress [4.16]Edit

The Mustache [4.17]Edit

Shall We Dance? [4.18]Edit

Take My Wife, Please [4.19]Edit

Spelling Bee [4.20]Edit

Kentucky Fried Beltzman [4.21]Edit

The Clock [4.22]Edit

The Competition [4.23]Edit

The Bachelorette Party [4.24]Edit

Geronimo Jim [4.25]Edit

The Scrapbook [4.26]Edit

Wedding Bell Blues [4.27]Edit

Season 5Edit

Foul Ball [5.01]Edit

The Tale of the Tape (Part 1 of 2) [5.02]Edit

The Tale of the Tape (Part 2 of 2) [5.03]Edit

Charity Begins at Hef's [5.04]Edit

The Race [5.05]Edit

Anec-Don'ts [5.06]Edit

The Chick Whisperer [5.07]Edit

James & the Annoying Peach [5.08]Edit

The Dream [5.09]Edit

Lean on Me [5.10]Edit

The Gift of Maggie [5.11]Edit

Sex Ed Fred [5.12]Edit

Renewing Vows [5.13]Edit

The Stick [5.14]Edit

Mr. Right [5.15]Edit

Jim: Eric Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!
Cheryl:"It was NOT Eric Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!
Jim: Guns!
Cheryl: Thumbs up!
Jim: GUNS!
Cheryl: THUMBS UP!

Get Your Freak On [5.16]Edit

The Grumpy Guy [5.17]Edit

Polite Jim [5.18]Edit

Daddy Dearest [5.19]Edit

The Thin Green Line [5.20]Edit

Jim's Best Friend [5.21]Edit

Jim: Cheryl, can Kyle swim?
Cheryl: I don't care. Hey, were's Andy? I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?
Jim: Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it.
Cheryl: Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?
Jim: I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else.

Ryan: You had chest pains Andy. You know that's it, I'm taking your blood pressure.
Andy: As long as you don't do it rectally!
Ryan: Not if you were stuffed full of gold.

Belaboring the Point [5.22]Edit

Season 6Edit

The Punch [6.01]Edit

The Flannelsexual [6.02]Edit

Guinea Pygmalion [6.03]Edit

[Talking about the guinea pig Fluffy]
Veterinarian: Are you Fluffy's father.
Jim: I'd like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman.

Cheryl: How's Fluffy?
Jim: Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks.
Cheryl: Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?
Jim: Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky.
Cheryl: "kay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks.
Jim: You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!

Hoosier Daddy [6.04]Edit

Good Grief [6.05]Edit

All the Rage [6.06]Edit

Cheryl Gone Wild [6.07]Edit

Deliverance [6.08]Edit

Jim: [About looking after Dana while she's pregnant] Heroes aren't born...they're cornered.

Dino-Mite [6.09]Edit

Separate Ways [6.10]Edit

In Case of Jimergency [6.11]Edit

Coach Jim [6.12]Edit

The At-Bat [6.13]Edit

What Lies Beneath [6.14]Edit

The Grill II [6.15]Edit

Devlin in Disguise [6.16]Edit

Any Man of Mine [6.17]Edit

Jim: Maybe something that will make you less miserable ... like two tickets two Les Misérables [pronounced less miserables]."

Jim: Cheryl, I don't think the gays have second base. Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run.

Jim's Birthday [6.18]Edit

Season 7Edit

Jim Almighty [7.01]Edit

Jim: When you go for beer, Gopherhoff?

The Hot Wife [7.02]Edit

Jim: You know what always helps me when I'm not feeling sexy? Some good old-fashioned sex.

Cheryl: Are you crazy?
Jim: Yes. You know that.
Cheryl: Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you.

Safety Last [7.03]Edit

The Perfect Fight [7.04]Edit

Cheryl Goes to Florida [7.05]Edit

Ruby's First Date [7.06]Edit

Period Peace [7.07]Edit

The Rendezvous [7.08]Edit

Goodwill Hunting [7.09]Edit

All Dolled Up [7.10]Edit

Jim [To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's "perfect" party] It wasn't perfect, alright? The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued! Isn't that great!?

Pregnancy Brain [7.11]Edit

The Gift Certificate [7.12]Edit

I Drink Your Milkshake [7.13]Edit

The Chaperone [7.14]Edit

The Six-Week Curse [7.15]Edit

Jim: You know that wearing G.I. Joe underwear does not mean you're going commando.

The Cheater [7.16]Edit

Gracie: There's no way that this milk can stretch over three bowls of cereal.
Jim: You know what? When your daddy was raised during the Great Depression . . . you know what we had to put in our cereal? Tears.
Ruby: The Great Depression was in the 30s.
Jim: Honey, we were so poor that we couldn't afford calendars.

No Bedrest for the Wicked [7.17]Edit

The Devil Went Down to Oak Park [7.18]Edit

Season 8Edit

The Blankie [8.01]Edit

The New Best Friend [8.02]Edit

Jami McFame [8.03]Edit

Andy's Proposal [8.04]Edit

Two for the Money [8.05]Edit

Cabin Boys [8.06]Edit

The Ego Boost [8.07]Edit

The Yoga Bear [8.08]Edit

Kyle's Crush [8.09]Edit

The Meaningful Gift [8.10]Edit

The Daddy Way [8.11]Edit

Phil: I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know how I'm going to explain all this extra I've won to my wife.
Jim: That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
Phil: I just think she's going to catch it. She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
Jim: I stand corrected: that is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.

Jim: Bill! Bill! Bill!
Phil: My name's Phil.
Jim: Who cares!

Physical Therapy [8.12]Edit

The Cooler One [8.13]Edit

Happy Jim [8.14]Edit

King of the Nerds [8.15]Edit

I Hate the High Road [8.16]Edit

Diamonds Are a Ghoul's Best Friend [8.17]Edit

Heaven Opposed to Hell [8.18]Edit

Unknown EpisodesEdit

Jim: Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!

CastEdit

Co-starring
  • Mitch Rouse – Ryan Gibson (Seasons 4–6, guest season 8)
  • Mo Collins – Emily (Seasons 7–8)
  • Jackie Debatin – Mandy (Season 8)

External linksEdit

Wikipedia has an article about: