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Absolutely Fabulous

British television series

Absolutely Fabulous (1992–2004), created by Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French, follows the absurd antics of drug-addled public relations consultant Edina "Eddy" Monsoon (Saunders) and her best friend, model, and professional hanger-on Patsy Stone (Joanna Lumley), as they deal with post-Flower Power life, aggravated further by Eddy's infuriatingly intellectual, responsible daughter Saffron.

Series 1 (1992)

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Fashion (1.01)

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Edina: ..And if you're a bloody psychic psychologist how come I'm always having to phone you?
Patsy: What will you drink if you stop drinking?
Edina: I shall drink water.
Patsy: [Blank look]
Edina: It's a mixer, Patsy, we have it with whisky.

Fat (1.02)

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Saffy: You've been getting dressed for three hours and you still look like a bloated citrus fruit.
Edina: You are what you eat, remember?
Saffy: Which makes you a very large vegetarian tart.
Edina: I mean what you two don't seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me, there is a thin person just screaming to get out.
Mother: Just the one, dear?

France (1.03)

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Edina: [to Bubble] You, remember, cancel my aromatherapy, my psychotherapy, my reflexology, my osteopath, my homeopath, my naturopath, my crystal reading, my shiatsu, my organic hairdresser. And see if I can be re-birthed next Thursday afternoon.
Bubble: [Crossing her fingers] Consider it done!
Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic.

Iso Tank (1.04)

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[Edina's threatening to adopt a Romanian baby]
Edina: I wonder how you do go about it.
Saffy: I should imagine you would have to go to Romania.
Edina: Oh don't be stupid, darling. I'm sure they could send over a selection and I could pick one.
[Discussing the Romanian babies]
Edina: I'll just be able to send them back, won't I sweetie? Hmm?
Patsy: Sell 'em on. Mark 'em up, sell 'em on!

Birthday (1.05)

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Edina: Sweetie, don't you need some help, or something?
Saffy: No, please don't. You've only ever used this cooker to light your fags off of!
Edina: Darling, that is simply not... No, that is true.
[Saffy slaps Edina.]
Edina: Did you just hit me? That's illegal, isn't it?
Bo: She's not handling this 40 thing too well, is she? I mean, golly, I wish I could tell her it's no big deal. I had a ball on my 40th birthday. I felt really strong, really sorted-out about it. I realized what a lucky, wonderful person I was. And whether in your 30s or your 40s, you're still the same gorgeous person. Enjoy life!
Mother: When will you be 50?
[Bo starts hyperventilating.]
Marshall: She hasn't started 50 therapy yet.

Magazine (1.06)

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[Discussing Patsy's job at the magazine]
Edina: Anyway Patsy's got that job for life.
Saffy: You don't mean to say she's actually good at something?
Edina: No, darling, she slept with the publisher!
Patsy: And I'm bloody good at it!
Saffy: So what does a fashion director actually do?
Edina: Oh, darling, she gets a 50% discount at Harvey Nicks.
Patsy: It's not only that, I mean there is work involved, y'know, skill.
Edina: Yeah, course there is.
Patsy: I decide what goes in the magazine. Y'know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high that the world is your gynaecologist!
Edina[to Saffy]: Not one bloody boyfriend in the whole time that I've known you! I mean, you're not that bloody ugly! What's the matter with you? Huh? Have you read that "Karma Sutra" I gave you? No! That Dutch cap has only ever seen the light of day. I mean, God! Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience and night after night, dry bloody sheets! I'm sorry, darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so do something about it!

Series 2 (1994)

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Hospital (2.01)

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Nurse: [pointing at Patsy] Facelift.
Doctor: Oh it'll be a doddle. Grab her by the scalp, shake her up and down a bit and cut off the slack! Tomorrow.
Nurse: Is this your daughter?
Edina: [looks at Saffy and back to the Nurse] Yes.
Nurse: Well, maybe there's a God after all.
Fleur: [picking up face cream] Have you tried this? It's a triple acting, alpha-hydroxy acid natural complex to reactivate your skin making you... scientifically more beautiful!
Catriona: Sounds good!
Fleur: "Dermatologists and opthamologists tested non-acnegenic-.." I don't know what this means but it's forcing me to believe it!
Dream Saffy: And I've decided not to go to university. I'm going to bum around Europe experimenting with drugs, wearing flared denim for as long as it's fashionable.

Death (2.02)

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Edina: I'm sorry, darling. It's just had some rather bad news today, that's all.
Patsy: I need a drink!
Edina: It's very bad news actually, Pats.
Patsy: Oh what?
Edina: I'm dying!
Patsy: You can't!
Edina: Well I am!
Patsy: Well what am I supposed to do if you die?
Edina: Get cabs!
[Discussing guests for the funeral]
Edina: God, I hope you're not inviting that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog-man, are you??
Saffy: You could just say "Dad!" I'd still know what you meant!

Morocco (2.03)

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[Eddy points to her bag of "Pop-specs".]
Saffy: It's a sticker with a green tree on it.
Edina: Yes.
Saffy: What does that mean?
Edina: Kind to trees, sweetie.
Saffy: How are they kind to trees?
Edina: Well they ain't made of wood, how kind do you want!?
Patsy: [Feels her stomach in discomfort]
Edina: Have you eaten something?
Patsy: No, not since 1973.

New Best Friend (2.04)

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Patsy: [About Bettina] She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.
Patsy: I should have sued. I was cut to ribbons, I was scarred for life!
Saffy: Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear!

Poor (2.05)

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Patsy: [Running down the stairs with four cigarettes in her mouth] Light! Light! Light!
Edina: [Provides a light] Pats, honestly...
Patsy: Bloody hell!
Edina: Not another no smoking cab, Pats? They must see you coming these days.
Patsy: Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver!
Edina: Can I just say one word in my defence?
Saffy: I don't think that's a good idea, mum, your mouth is working for the prosecution.

Birth (2.06)

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[Eddy is throwing out her clothes as fire damage for the insurance]
Saffy: I could take these down to the charity shop.
Edina: Splutters. You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor! Darling, I'm sure they've got enough to contend with without the added humiliation of wearing last season's, sweetie!
Patsy: Ey, Eddy, Eddy, remember that weekend with Mick and the boys? Laughs Fantastic!
Edina: Fabulous days, darling. [To Saffy] Patsy used to go out with Keith Moon, sweetie.
Patsy: Yeah, sort of. I mean, I woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom once.
Edina: Yeah, still, that was going steady for the 60s, believe me.

Series 3 (1995)

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Doorhandle (3.01)

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Saffy: It was my birthday today, Mum. [storms upstairs]
Edina: You come back here, don't you think you can just say something like that, hit and run! Now listen, I gave you that birthday, darling. You wouldn't have that birthday if I hadn't been generous enough to uncross my legs and give you to the world, darling. Nobody's thanked me, have they?!
Bubble: She told me you had a tattoo on your unspeakables!
Edina: I didn't!
Patsy: Eddy?
Edina: I didn't. Unmentionables, I said.
Saffy: That could be anywhere on her!

Happy New Year (3.02)

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Edina: My New Year's resolution, sweetie… to have more fun! What's yours, Pats?
Patsy: Ohh, well, I think I'll just try to be more relaxed.
Saffy: You? More relaxed? What is that, dead? Well, that cancels out my resolution.
Edina: This is my daughter, Saffy.
Jackie: Never mind, too late to flush her now
Justin: I'm Saffy's father.
Jackie: How sweet of you to admit to a thing like that.
Justin: Did you have the same father?
Jackie: No one knows. Mother was such a slut.
Patsy: It could have been any of the men in any of the bars in France. Y'know, she was always the entertainment.
Oliver: Before slot machines?
Edina: She was the slot machine!

Sex (3.03)

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[Edina and Patsy are looking at the pornographic magazine 'Razzle,' that Saffy found in her brother's room]
Saffron: It's disgusting! That is so degrading to women!
Patsy: What do you mean? She's got the whip!
Saffy: I think we should have a little talk, don't you?
Edina: Have you seen this, darling, this Nancy Friday? It's extraordinary! She gets complete strangers to relate their filthiest thoughts and then sells them as therapy. It's fantastic!
Saffy: Mum, I want to know what you're planning for tomorrow night.
Edina: Armpit kissing! Would you kiss an arm-..
Saffy: [Interrupting] I want to know!
Edina: Sweetie, it is simply the extrication of myself from the burden of sexual norms, and the restoration of my own powerful, and integrated sexuality.
Saffy: An orgy?
Edina: Yeah, that's the one.
Saffy: Ok, I got you condoms and femidoms. You are going to be safe, right?
Edina: Yes of course sweetie. [Looking in the bag]
Saffy: Have you opened these?
Grandma: They don't put fingers on these gloves.

Jealous (3.04)

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Claudia: Next week's very busy for me. I'm launching Erica Jong's new book, 'Sex With Myself' at Sticky Fingers. Bill's thrilled, he loves huge openings!
Patsy: Anyway, I just have to tell these tragic, little wannabes, do you know what I tell them? I say, darling, "just stick your fingers down your throat, hack off your tits, keep taking the tablets and don't come back until you're looking like something!" Y'know?
Naomi Campbell: Yeah, I remember you.

Fear (3.05)

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Mother: Talking to yourself, dear? That's the first sign of madness, y'know?
Edina: Really? I thought it was talking to you!
Magda: [on the phone] No, no, no, mate. I don't even get out of bed and piss for that kinda money!

The End (3.06)

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Patsy: Darling, if you want to talk bollocks and discover the meaning of life you're better off just downing a bottle of whisky. At least that way you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously!
Bubble: Oh, the police phoned. They've released your mother.
Edina: Damn!
Bubble: Good, though, ain't it? 'Cause they haven't had a record out for years!
Saffy: No! This is not how it's going to be anymore, Mum! I'm not going to be here just to put you to bed, to feed you, stub out your joints, clear out the sick, lie for you, disapprove of you. And not just you. [rounds on Patsy] You as well! Cesspit from hell! Stinking bag of bones that haunts this house every day like a mouldering cadaver, leeching the lifeblood out of everything it can get its filthy suckers onto! I'm fed up being suckered! I won't take this anymore! This is not how it's going to be!

Series 4 (2001)

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Paralox (4.01)

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[Eddy has started practising yoga]
Edina: Couple of weeks and I'll be bending like Madonna, won't I darling? I'll be able to kiss my own arse from both directions!
Mother: [Riding on Eddy's scooter] You used to have one of these when you were a girl!
Edina: Yeah, but I was never allowed on it.
Mother: No, you were too big for it, you wobbled.
Edina: The scooter wobbled!
Mother: If you say so..
Edina: I have perfect balance, [to Saffy] sweetheart, look.
Mother: Wheels don't buckle on their own.

Fish Farm (4.02)

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[Edina and Patsy have just returned from a Marilyn Manson gig]
Patsy: She tried to crowd surf and the tide went out!
Edina: The sea just parted, darling. I don't know how it happened
Saffy: They've probably never seen anything that old flying at them before
Edina: Right, time for another little drinky before we go.
Saffy: Where are you going?
Edina: New York.
Saffy: I didn't think they let people with drug convictions in.
Edina: Darling, it's not a conviction.
Patsy: Just a firm belief!

Paris (4.03)

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Edina: [To Saffy] Why does everything you wear look like it's bearing a grudge, darling?
Patsy: It's a good photo, isn't it? I think the photographer really caught something
Saffy: Syphilis. [Patsy kicks Saffy in the shin]
Patsy: Put that book down, you're not showing me up.
Saffy: [To Edina] You see everything but yourself! You always have the best view in the room because you're not looking at you!

Donkey (4.04)

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Patsy: Eddy, y'know, your stomach's like a dog that doesn't know when it's gunna be fed next so it just hangs around until you wanna kick it.
Edina: I'm a fat person, that's the end of it! Me! The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo! Sushi! I mean, honestly, sweetheart! If they keep it coming round of course I'm gonna eat it, aren't I!?

Small Opening (4.05)

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Saffy: You burnt and scarred my best friend!
Patsy: Who??
Edina: Titicaca.
Patsy: Oh. [nods]
Saffy: Her name is Sarah!
Edina: Darling, she was standing with her little pigtails too close to a candle!
Patsy: Act of God.
Saffy: You were holding the candle!
Saffy: My life is like a constant winter.
Edina: Yeah, well she never thawed, did she?
Patsy: Rigor mortis set into her in puberty
Edina: She's so cold, I bet she has her period in cubes
Edina: We've gotta kill this play! C'mon, how would I normally ensure a flop?
Bubble: Promote it!

Menopause (4.06)

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Edina: The world has changed. I mean, there was a time I was out there. I was hip. I was dangerous. The Zeitgeist flew from me, sweetheart! I mean, I could pick up the lunch buzz at Momo and fly with it, darling, you know? The more money you spent, the more money you made; it was money on a loop. But not anymore, no. Not anymore, sweetheart--thanks to New Labour.
Saffy: [rolling her eyes] Oh no...
Edina: Oh yes, darling: the eternally-grinning funless world of New Labs, isn't it? All that hope, all that future, darling! But do you know something? Once the party's over, you look around, you're still standing in the shit! Nobody wants new things anymore, it's just, "Retro, retro, retro!" I mean, darling, we are skidding backwards into the 2000s on a slick of apology, and that's not a world that thinks I'm that great!
Katy: All right, I know I'm late, so don't look at me like that. I've been up all night with the baby. I don't know why it cries so much. I've got friends who use exactly the same sperm bank and theirs is perfect!
Patsy: I hate gynaecologists! A man who can always look you in the vagina but never in the eye!
Jobo: [to the MO group members] Come on sisters. We're getting nowhere.

[stands]

Jobo: My name is Jobo, and I'm happy to be having the menopause.

[group members clap for her]

Jobo: I have hot flushes and memory loss, and sometimes when I sneeze, I pee.
Beth De Woodi: [stands up] Beth De Woodi. The sands of time are trickling through my hour glass!
Patsy Stone: [raising her hand] Patsy Stone. I hope you're wearing thick underpants!
Edina Monsoon: [raising her hand] Edina Monsoon, STAND ON THE BLOODY BIN BAG!
Bo: Marshall, Marshall. Where do the stars go to have the menopause?
Marshall: Montana. And a small clinic in Arizona.
Bo: Well...Hitch up the wagons. We're going West.

Series 5 (2003)

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Cleanin' (5.01)

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Edina: I don't want a great, big fat bum like J'Lo, do I, darling? Laughs I mean, how high have that woman's heels got to keep that nancy off the pavement now?
Bubble: [cleaning] Hoover, hoover, hoover...
Edina: YOU HAVE TO TURN IT ON, NOT JUST MAKE THE NOISE!
Edina: [to Emma Bunton] Well, darling, the trouble with you is you're not ... you're not kinda giving me anything! You know, if you want something from the tabs, you gotta give them something back! You're just kinda flatlining it, nice and sweet, are you? And they want a little bit of a heartbeat. They don't want to know your mum's your best friend, do they? They want you to be some one-armed lesbian asylum seeker! They want the full cellulite shots! They want a 40-in-the-bed perv orgy with your Spice mates! They want you mainlining, arm jacking, smack crack nightmare, darling! They want you-They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher's block so they can photograph all your organs for Heat magazine! I mean frankly, for once, I would like to see you foaming at the mouth, stinking of piss in the gutter with this little thumb stuck up Justin Timberlake's arse and you wearing nothing but a Gucci belt!
Catriona: Oh, tell her about your chocolate idea!
Fleur: Oh, right! Well, just near where we sell the sunglasses--
Patsy: No. One whiff of a cocoa bean and our customers would fly like vampires before garlic! Jeremy's must remain a sterile oasis free from street eaters and coffee carriers. Aseptic! And razor sharp as our customers' hip bones! These women shop for lunch! Labels are their only sustenance! Their skeleton legs and their Manolo Blahniks have worn trenches down the pavements of Sloane Street!
Fleur: I understand.
Patsy: Their arm sinews with just enough muscle left in their arms to lift up a credit card! Be clean! No chocolate!
[Fleur gently claps]
Fleur: Genius.
Patsy: Have I made myself perfectly clear?
Fleur: As ice.
Catriona: Transparent.
Patsy: And if you ever try anything like this again ... I WILL KILL YOU!

Book Clubbin' (5.02)

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Mother: Well, I suppose I'd better be off. I've got to get this lot (her knitting) down to the charity shop.
Edina: Oh, God. No one's that poor.
Saffy: Or that shape!
[Patsy blows her cigarette smoke in Saffy's direction]
Saffy: [Cough] Mum!
Edina: Oh, don't be so stupid, smoke can't get in there, darling. Smoke can't touch the baby. If it could you'd have come out looking like prosciutto, believe me.
Patsy: Or Donatella, liver sausage in a wig
Midwife: I've got an antenatal clinic to get to, 30 sweaty, wobbling women. Squatting on the floor, focusing on their exit holes. All believing they can breathe their way through childbirth. I tell 'em, "When push comes to shove, you'll be screaming for drugs and shitting the bed!"
Midwife: You know my baby was so big it treated my inside like a smorgasbord, it picked my bones clean. I was a baby buffet. I was so long in labour they had to shave me twice.

Panickin' (5.03)

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Saffy: Mum, you are just paying into the whole panic culture, I hate it. The world is actually safer than it's ever been. In fact, you're more likely to be hit by a bus!
Edina: Oh yeah, darling, that'd be ironic, wouldn't it? Closest I've ever been to public transport and it runs over me.
Patsy: I was at work today...
Saffy: Now we're all in shock!
Patsy: The girls were off, so I was on the floor...
Saffy: Nothing new for you!
Bubble: Minnie Driver? Is it a dwarf?

Huntin', Shootin' & Fishin' (5.04)

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Edina: Who bloody needs 'em? Upper classes, who bloody needs 'em, sweetheart? They're all inbred anyway, aren't they?
Patsy: Yea, just a talking neck! Most of them have done away with features altogether! They have to marry a bit of common every now and again to ensure bone development!
[Patsy and Eddy are trying to work out what to do with the pheasant Eddy caught]
Patsy: Oh darling, just do what they do with unwanted house guests. Drug it, and dump it in Hyde Park!

Birthin' (5.05)

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Bo: Hi, hi, hi! I want you to know I am in complete control. I know exactly what I'm doing.
Saffy: I need the midwife.
Bo: I'm a nurse!
Marshall: A dental nurse!
Bo: [To Marshall] She'll never know. [Back to Saffy] Ok, open wide!
Saffy: It feels really tight!!
Edina: Of course it's tight. It's all that olive oil you've rubbed into your perineum, darling, isn't it? You've marinated it! It's good for a barbecue, not for birth! That's what you've done, darling.
Saffy: I haven't been using it! Not since Patsy put a chili in it!!

Schmoozin' (5.06)

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Edina: Darling, who was your favourite Stone?
Patsy: Oh darling, you didn't have a favourite Stone, you had 'em all!

Exploitin' (5.07)

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Edina: Anyway, darling, if you could harm a baby by shaking it, you'd've been a goner! [Laughs] Patsy used to shake you about, didn't you?
Patsy: Yeah, when you'd swallowed pennies.
Edina: Yeah, always swallowing pennies, weren't you?
Patsy: Yeah, well we had to put them somewhere! You were like a little money box. Put one in, then shake it when we want it out again!
Edina: [On the phone to Saffy] Yeah, all right, darling... Well listen to me, we're coming home now... Didn't you get my note?.. Well all right, that's fine, we'll come home now, darling... Yeah, let's forget about education, shall we sweetheart? D-Dio..bio..versity.. and everything like that, sweetheart... We'll just come home now and live in the domain of ignorance, shall we, and watch Teletubbly videos if that's what you want!.. Yeah, all right, we'll see you in a minute... No, I am not drunk! How could I be drunk? I'm at the bloody zoo!

Specials

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The Last Shout (1996)

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Edina: Right, darling, we'll go to the office and I can drop you at your interview.
Saffy: Interview!? I thought she just slept with the publisher!
Edina: [Talking about Saffy and Paolo] They haven't done it, y'know. I don't think she's ever done it. I mean, she can't be that unattractive, is she? Is she?
Patsy: She is a virgin in a world where men will even turn to soft fruit for pleasure!
Edina: Do you remember your first time?
Patsy: Y'know it's all a blank with me until 1968.
Edina: Oh, yeah... God, I remember mine.
Patsy: What did you feel?
Edina: Well, just grateful, really, y'know.
Patsy: Why?
Edina: 'Cause you were always on my back!
Patsy: You'd think I'd remember that!
Edina: I was taken up, up to Heaven and I spoke with God.
Saffy: What about?
Edina: Well, shopping mainly...

Gay (2002)

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Catriona: It is so lovely to have everything back to normal after that terrible thing last year.
Edina: Yes, yes... 7/11.
Saffy: (angrily) What?!
Edina: Oh, you know darling... the 24/7...Oh, 7/11!
Saffy: 9/11!
Edina: 9/11, I knew that!
[Edina meets her son, whom she finds out is gay but quite dull.]
Edina: Darling, being gay is the best excuse you'll ever have not to be boring!

Cold Turkey (2003)

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Patsy: ..And I'm partial to an injection of adrenaline straight to the heart.
Patsy: Jacks, I don't remember any good times.
Jackie: Oh yes, darling. Parties! You remember the party we had when mother died? That was a great time. How happy we were...
Edina: And for lunch, sweetheart, for Christmas lunch, who comes to that?
Saffron: Well, there's me and John...
Patsy: Is he from Gabon?
Edina: What?
Patsy: Is he from Gabon?
Edina: Gabon?
Patsy: Yes, is he from Gabon?
Edina: Why are you saying that...
Patsy: Gabon.
Edina: Will you stop saying that!
Patsy: Will you ask her if he's from the Gabon.
Edina: [Irritated] Is he from Gabon?
Saffron: NO!
Edina: No, he's not from Gabon, so shut up!
John: I don't want to discuss vulgar matters, but when you are with the other fellow, what's the procedure? How do you decide who is the gentleman and who is the lady?
Justin: (looking uncomfortable) Well, I..I'm the lady.
John: Oh, you're the lady!

White Box (2004)

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Edina: So what's the inspiration here?
Max: Holocaust.
Bettina: Don't you like it?
Edina: No, I love it, I love it, I think it's lovely, just thinking, perhaps something a little warmer…
Bettina: Max, turn on the pebbles.
[Max ignites an electric stone firepit.]
Bettina: COZY ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Edina: So [Max] has to take [Bettina] back to Broadmoor… she was only out on day release anyway.
Patsy: What's she in for?
Edina: Stabbing Kelly Hoppin with a glass shard at the design awards.

Cast

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Regulars

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Guests

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