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A Very Potter Sequel

2010 musical

A Very Potter Sequel is a musical sequel to A Very Potter Musical by Team Starkid based on the Harry Potter universe created by J.K. Rowling.

Quotes

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Guard: Platform 9. Platform 10. Nothing in between.
Harry: Can someone tell me how to get to Platform 9 and 3 quarters? Excuse me, sir! Can you tell me how to get to platform 9 and 3 quarters?
Guard: Platform 9 and 3 quarters, there ain’t no such thing. You’re the 700th kid to ask me that toady. I still refuse to believe that it exists.
Ron: Hey, do you want a delicious Red Vine?
Harry: Absolutely!
Ron: Here you go, good buddy.
Harry: [Taking a bite. These are like my favourite snack in the whole world.
Ron: Oh, my God, me too.
[They stop eating and look at each other. They mirror each other’s movements.]
Ron: Alright. Favourite Aimie Mann song on three. One, two, three.
Both: Red Vines.
Harry: Favourite coloured vines other than green.
Both: Red Vines.
Ron: Favourite way to say red wines with a German accent.
Both: Red Vines! Oh, my God!
[They hug.]
Ron: Where have you been all my life?
Harry: In a cupboard under some stairs.
Ron: Hey, pal, that’s a... that’s a pretty cool headband you got there.
Harry: Oh, thanks, I wear it to cover this gross scar I got when I was a baby. I was in the car with my parents when we crashed... into a crocodile. My parents got eaten, but then the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. At least, that's what my liar aunt and uncle told me.
[Lupin is asleep on the Hogwarts Express]
Ron: Who’s this guy?
Harry: I dunno. He was here when I got here, he was asleep and I think he’s homeless.
Ron: Gross.
Ron: Hey, you want a Bertie Botts Every Flavoured candy bean?
Harry: Sure.
Ron: They have every flavour in the entire world. They even have a poopy flavoured one, but it’s so rare, you’ll never be lucky enough to get one. What’d you get?
Harry: Broken computer.
Ron: That’s gross. I can’t even remember last time I got a candy flavoured one.
Harry: What’d you get?
Ron: Defeat. Well I give up on these.
Hermione: Crookshanks! Sorry, sometimes he just crawls into the darndest places.
Ron: It’s okay. Just next time... Oh, my God! Night troll!
Hermione: I’m not a night troll! I’m a little girl. My name’s Hermione Granger.
Harry: Hey, are we the first people you asked? There’s only one other name on here.
Hermione: That is my name.
Harry: Oh, well then here you go... Her-my-one?
Lupin: I’m not dangerous, and I’m not homeless... anymore. My name is Remus Lupin, and I’m your new Defence Against the Darks Arts teacher, and that so called candy lady was a Death Eater. And she was about two seconds away from killing you, your little friend and his pet night troll.
Harry: What’s a Death Eater? What is that?
Lupin: It’s a servant of You-Know-Who. I figured a few of them might show up when they learned that Harry Potter was headed to Hogwarts. They can be real hard-ass dickheads.
[Harry, Ron and Hermione gasp and cover their ears.]
Lupin: What the hell’s the matter with you guys? Oh, shit! [They cover their ears again.] You guys are kids! Gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. [They continue to cover their ears.] I’m sorry. Shoot. Gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards.
Snape: Alright. We’re both adults now. I demand you stop acting like I child, or I’ll tell Dumbledore and have you expelled.
Lupin: I don’t think so Snape, cos I’m a teacher now. You can’t expel me. I’ll expel you. In fact... you’re expelled! I just expelled you!
Snape: What?! That’s absurd! You can’t expel me. We can’t expel each other. Can we?
Harry: Gryffindor house rocks, I can’t even what kind of other assholes exist in other stupid houses.
Sorty: Slytherin!
Draco: Well, well, well. Isn’t this cute? The rumours are true. You must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard. My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, I despise gingers, and mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor house, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. Do you want to be my friend?
Harry: You hate Gryffindor house? Get out of my face, Malfoy! [Shoves Malfoy to the ground.]
Hermione: Harry, no!
Draco: You are not permitted to touch! Crabbe! Goyle!
Goyle: Who dares disturb my slumber? Get over here! [Grabs Ron.] It’s clobbering time!
[Crabbe grabs Hermione.]
Draco: As you wish. Shake them! Yes! Yes! How does it feel to watch your friends being tortured?
Harry: Leave Ron alone, you bastards!
Ron: Just be his friend, Harry!
Hermione: I’ll miss you, Harry!
Draco: Feel like being my friend yet, Potter?
Harry: No way! You can torture my friends all you want. I will never, and I mean ever, be your friend.
Draco: You’ve made a grandios mistake, Potter. No one undermines Draco Malfoy!
Dumbledore: Oh, Malfoy, you little shit!
Everyone: Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: If you don’t sit down right now, I will spank your diapered tush.
Harry: Malfoy wears a diaper?
Dumbledore: He sure does. Draco, X-Ray glasses.
Draco: This is all your fault, Potter. You wait til my father hears about this.
Dumbledore: I fact, there might be some cute little Gryffindor that’s leading him right to our doorstep.
Ron: Thanks, Herman!
Harry: Ron, he said cute... he could only be talking about me
Ron: Oh. yeah, duh. Her-mi-one’s a butt!
Dumbledore: She sure is, Ron.
Harry: Who is that guy?
Ron: That’s no guy. That’s Dolores Umbridge. My dad told me about her. They say she can’t be killed. He says she drinks blood!
Hermione: I read that she used to be the warden of Azkaban, and that the Dementors that work there are only afraid of one thing... her.
Seamus: Oh yeah? One time a Dementor kissed her, and it died.
Umbridge: Ahem. Now girls, I know that this is your first year at Hogwarts, and I know that some of you might be nervous or frightened. But girls, I’m here to make your time at Hogwarts as totally awesome as possible. Because girls, I’m not just a teacher, or security officer, in fact, I like to think of all of you... as my daughters. And that makes me... Your mama. And a very loving, and caring mama I am. So, for all of us girls to get along in the girls’ dormitory this year, there are just some very simple rules that must be obeyed. Rule number 1: No boys. Unless they’re cute. Rule number 2: No alcohol. Unless there’s plenty to go around. Stop it girls, I’m bad. Rule number 3: No parties. Unless Umbridge is invited! Girls, girls, girls, you keep me young, girls. You keep me young. But seriously, girls, if I do catch you with any boys or alcohol, I’m gonna rip your perky little boobs off. That’s right. From now on, we’re gonna be doing things around here my way. We’re gonna be doing things around here the Umbridge way!
Lupin: With me as your coach, and you little stallions as my team, there’s no way we’re losing to Slytherin, or Ravenclaw, or Jigglypuff.
Snape: That’s absurd.
Lupin: You’re absurd!
Snape: What? Say that again to my face.
Lupin: You’re absurd!
Snape: That’s absurd!
Draco: You know Goyle, using the potty’s not so bad. I don’t know why I was afraid of it all those years. I think I was concerned about falling in, but, I have found that if I climb on top of the potty, right? And I put one foot on either side of the potty hole rim, and get a firm footing, I’m actually quite safe. And you know, using the potty’s a great time to socialise? You simply... you look over to the stall next to you, and you have a right chat with your neighbour. “Oh, hello there, good sir! First time using the potty, too, hey? Good luck my man.” And then, simply squat, like so, and I do my business, in my diaper as usual. And then, I undo the side latches, and let the diaper simply fall into the potty. Yes. Father will hear about this.
Harry: Who made this thing?
Lupin: It was me, your dad, some other guy, and Sirius Black.
Harry: You mean my dad’s traitor best friend?
Lupin: No. No! I am your dad’s traitor best... I am your dad’s traitor! No! I am your dad’s best friend. Okay? Don’t forget it.
Snape: [Walking through.] Hey Lupin! Want to go look at the full moon with me? Ha ha, zombie!
Lupin: Snape! Alright, Harry, I gotta go. Listen, just stay out of the Shrieking Shack, okay? I’m a werewolf in it.
Harry: Wait, what?
Harry: Listen, Hermione...
Hermione: You said my name right.
Harry: Just now? Really? Herman... monster?
Hermione: That’s close enough.
Umbridge: Because with Dumbledore gone, guess who gets to be the headmaster now?
Snape: Me?
Ron: Snape?
Umbridge: No! Me! Your mama! Umbridge! And from now on, we’re gonna be doing things around here my way! We gonna be doing things the Umbridge way!
Ron: Take this you bastard, alohamora! [The door opens, and Ron runs to shut it.]
Sirius: Kids...
Hermione: Jellylegs jinx!
Sirius: Unjellify!
Hermione: Harry, he’s too much for us!
Harry: I’ve got one more thing. Lumos!
Harry: Hey Ron, am I invisible?
Ron: Who said that?
Harry: Sirius, I don’t think I’m in any kind of grave danger.
Sirius: [Aggressively.] Who said that? [Harry removes the cloak.] Oh, Harry, it’s just you.
Umbridge: Because with Dumbledore gone, guess who gets to be the headmaster now?
Snape: Me?
Ron: Snape?
Umbridge: No! Me! Your mama! Umbridge! And from now on, we’re gonna be doing things around here my way! We gonna be doing things the Umbridge way!
Lupin: Alright gang, I’ll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I’m the latest.
Lupin: Hey Ron, what are you thinking about? Maybe a snack or a... frumpy little girl?
'Ron: No. [He realises he is stroking Hermione’s neck.] No! [He jumps back and sticks him arm around Harry’s shoulders.] No, I’m thinking about Harry.
Harry: Oh, cool, I was thinking about me, too.
Umbridge: Now that we got rid of that no good Lupin, guess who gets to be your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?
Snape: Me?
Ron: Snape?
Umbridge: No! Me! Your mama!
Ron: Do you want a Red Vine?
Hermione: No thanks.
Ron: What? Does no one want a Red Vine? Has the world gone sane? God!
Pettigrew: Why don’t you vote on what’s gonna be on your tombstone?
Harry and Ron: Red Vines.
Ron: That’s it. Red Vines. Hey, poster man. Wouldn’t killing us taste better with a Red Vine?
Pettigrew: Of course. Everything tastes better with Red Vines.
Ron: Well here, why don’t you have one?
Pettigrew: Alright, Weasley. I’m gonna trust you this time. But I don’t want to see any funny tricks.
Ron: No tricks, just treats.
Pettigrew: I just want you to hold out that delicious red stick of candy, and I want it to just stay right there so I can put my mouth around it. Alright, here I go. Yummy, yummy...
Ron: Stupefy!
[Pettigrew falls to the floor.]
Ron: Red Vines. What the hell can’t they do?
Draco: Alright everyone, I hope you’re wearing your diapers. Because you’re gonna shit your pants. [He turns the time turner, and they go back in time.]
Harry: Draco, what did you just do?
Hermione: Where are we?
Ron: Why’d I shit my pants?
Draco: It’s merely a side effect of negative lightspeed travel.
Harry: [Seeing his past self.] Oh my God, who’s that? I think I’m in love.
Lucius: I’m killing you right here, right now, Potter.
Draco: No, Papa! [He leaps across the stage gracefully.] You’re not.
Lucius: Draco. You danced! I finally taught you something.
Draco: No. The centaurs taught me that. [He takes Lucius’ wand.] Body bind hex.
Lucius: Oh no.
Lucius: Don’t you want to know who your real father is?
Draco: What?
Lucius: You were never my real son. How could you be? You’re always such a horrible disappointment to me.
Hermione: Draco, don’t listen to him, he’s just trying to trick you.
Harry: He’s a liar.
Ron: He’s an asshole!
Yaxley: Yeah.
Draco: Tell me who my father is or I’ll hex you, wiener jacket.
Lucius: You do have some Narcissa in you, that tramp mother of yours. She choreographed an affair with someone behind my back. Someone I trusted. Someone I may have even loved.
Harry: Ollivander?
Hermione: Filch?
Ron: Regulus Black, Sirius’ brother?
Yaxley: Me?
Lucius: No. Dobby. My former house elf.
Draco: No.
Lucius: Oh, yes. It explains a lot, doesn’t it? Your irrational fear of the potty.
Hermione: Over 600 house elves die in toilet related incidents every year. They fall in!
Lucius: Why else would you have such a little D?
Draco: It’s so small.
Lucius: It’s cos you’re a fucking elf!
Draco: Oh, Dobby, now I lament all those times that I... I beat him senseless within an inch of his life. Oh, right, yeah, that one time when I drowned a litter of his young, my... brothers?
Lucius: Now you know. Could you imagine the scandal if that got out? ‘Lucius Malfoy’s wife beds Smegol.’ So I had to take you in. You should be thanking you and sending that treacherous creature away.
Draco: So he’s still alive?
Lucius: Perhaps.
Harry: Hey, listen, I was wondering, maybe this summer, instead of going back to the Dursley’s, I was wondering if maybe I could stay with you.
Sirius: Harry, I am homeless. Can I live with you?
Harry: I don’t think the Dursely’s would like that very much.
Snape: Oh, my head, I’m so magically hungover.
Dumbledore: What did you do last night, Severus?
Snape: Well, I broke a couple of my own rules, I suppose. I confessed my love for Lily Evans, I saved Harry Potter, and I made out with Grubbly-plank again.
Dumbledore: I’ve gotta go interview a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I’ve got it down to Gilderoy Lockhart, Mad-Eye Moody and some fellow named Squirrel. I don’t want anybody dangerous, so I think I’m gonna go with the squirrel.
Snape: Harry Potter! I thought you might like this. It’s a picture of your mother. The last one known before she died.
Harry: Thanks, Snape. That’s really nice of you. You really are a great guy.
Snape: [Snatching it back.] I said you’d like it, not you could have it! It's going back into my pillow where it belongs! [Leaves.]
Harry: Geez, Snape is such a dick.

Cast

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