8-Bit Theater
comedic sprite comic
8-Bit Theater (also spelled 8-Bit Theatre) is a sprite comic created by Brian Clevinger based on the game Final Fantasy. It launched in March 2001. The plot of the comic roughly parallels the course of the game, following the four Light Warriors in their quest to vanquish the King of Demons, Chaos. However, the comic is not a serious epic; much of 8-Bit Theater's humor is derived from the blunderings and misadventures of the protagonists and their foes.
See Also: Brian Clevinger
Episodes 1-99
edit- White Mage: Excuse me. Do you carry any restraining order spells?
- Fighter: I trust Black Mage 'cause he told me to.
- Fighter: I love you phallic-sword worshiping warrior woman. Take me.
- Red Mage: For +3 endurance, I'd wear my own underwear over my armor.
- Black Mage: The problem with guards is that they are too inquisitive for their own good. That and the clean up afterward is always such a bitch.
Episodes 100-199
edit- White Mage: You are simply a horrible little monster and I pray for your quick and merciful death.
- Black Mage: Well, at least I shall die as I have lived. Completely surrounded by morons.
- Black Mage: ...So you see, by allowing me to kill you three, I'll be able to at least die with some dignity... and a smile.
- Red Mage: If we disguise ourselves as dragon-food, we could take the dragon by surprise.
Episodes 200-299
edit- Bikke: Aye! They be like a thorny thorn in ye sidey side.
- Fighter: Jump overboard! It's the only way to save yourself from the sea-monsters!
- Fighter: Isn't it ironic to yell the word silence?
- Drizz'l: I could feel my brain contracting from your sheer stupidity.
- Thief: I'll have you know "Drizz'L" roughly translates to "The Relentless Scourge".
- Black Mage: Yeah, like the relentless scourge of having a really stupid name.
- 04/17/2003, Episode 274: The Villain Revealed!
Episodes 300-399
edit- Vilbert: Mom! How many times must I ask you to refer to me by my dark name of the damned?
- Black Mage: Can we kill him now? He's a Goth, it's what he wants.
- Black Mage: You don't really practice bleeding to death from six dozen stab wounds. It's just gonna happen.
- Young Black Mage: What part of being stabbed do you not understand?
- Lich, Fiend of Earth: If I still had to consume food, I would feast upon your entrails, tonight.
Episodes 400-499
edit- Black Mage: I should have mentioned this at the beginning. I solve my problems through violence.
- Red Mage: That's not how it works. There is no grand story to history. Things just happen. It's the act of looking back on it that interposes a sense of narrative.
- Black Mage: And yet here we are, just as we were always going to be. Doesn't that drive you mad? Don't you hate yourself for it? For never having seen it coming until now? Every little thing is so painfully obvious now, isn't it? Now that it's too late, you have all the answers, don't you?
- 06/26/2004, Episode 434: Wouldn't You Like to Know
- Berserker: Just because I fly into a blind, homicidal rage at the drop of a helm doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the finer things in life.
- Red Mage: Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!
- Red Mage: Our weapons are useless, reliance upon them is death!
Episodes 500-599
edit- Vilbert: My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos.
- Red Mage: I don't need a quest to teach me the importance of faking friendship.
- Sarda: Yea, is it not written, "With great power comes great authority, but absolute power rocks absolutely"?
- Cleric: Well look at that, another beautiful miracle. If it weren't for my atheism, I'd be impressed by it.
Episodes 600-699
edit- Black Mage: You don't tend to see many ancient castles with such well manicured lawns.
- Black Mage: If there was a way to get magic for free, do you really think I'd have spent so much time sacrificing children to my Dark Gods? For spells, I mean. Obviously there'd still be sacrifices. A hobby's a hobby.
- Red Mage: Evolution is my bitch.
Episodes 700-799
edit- Ur (Kraken), Fiend of Water: Oh, man, what a smell in that thing. Horrible. Anyway! You guys ordered an Apocalypse, if I'm right.
Episodes 800-899
edit- Fighter: I like it. Needs a sword fight in the middle, but we can burn that river when we cross a bridge over the bush with two birds in glass houses.
- Red Mage: In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed.
- Black Mage: My hatred for you burns like the skin of that guy.
Episodes 900-999
edit- Muffin (Tiamat), Fiend of Air: Moron. I never owned an invisible sky castle. Just that regularly visible one over there.
- Thief: Well, Red Mage had a stupid idea, and I'm making it better with my cunning.
Episodes 1000-1099
edit- Red Mage: Just once I'd like to go somewhere without killing everyone in the world.
- Black Mage: Lies are just creative truths.
- Red Mage: And thanks to my frankly brilliant allocation of points to animal husbandry, I possess a robust and intimate knowledge of monster genitals.
- Fighter: One might think waging a four-way double-elimination duel to the death with yourself could drive you insane. But really? It makes you super sane.
Episodes 1100-1199
edit- Black Mage: We should all aspire to be Lex Luthor.
- Fighter: Can I take off my fire helm yet? It's a little on fire.
- Black Mage: Suddenly, living in your a-hole forever doesn't seem so bad.
