The Muppet Show (1976–1978) was the brainchild of Jim Henson, and featured the Muppets, a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a "live" variety show hosted by Kermit the Frog. Each episode featured several "on stage" sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.
Season 1 (1977-1978)Edit
Juliet Prowse [1.01]Edit
- Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
- [Statler's cigar explodes.]
- Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.
- Kermit: [after Juliet called him "the Robert Redford of frogs"] You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT!
- Waldorf: Yeah, whadya think?
- Statler: Beats sitting home watching television.
- Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!
Connie Stevens [1.02]Edit
- Bert: Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
- Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
- Statler: Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
- Waldorf: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.
- Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
- Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
- Fozzie: That was my wife!
- Waldorf: More! More!
- Statler: No, not so loud: they may hear you!
Ruth Buzzi [1.04]Edit
- Robot Kermit: Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some steam heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
- Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
- Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!
- Statler: Well, did you like the show?
- Waldorf: No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.
Rita Moreno [1.05]Edit
- Dancer: I hear you come from a broken home.
- Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!
- Waldorf: Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.
Jim Nabors [1.06]Edit
- Kermit: Your salary is 20 a week.
- Scooter: Could you make it 25?
- Kermit: Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
- Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
- Kermit: How about 30?
- Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
- Statler: Double or nothing on next week's show?
- Waldorf: You're on.
Florence Henderson [1.07]Edit
- Kermit: Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
- Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
- Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
- Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.
Paul Williams [1.08]Edit
- Janice: That man is annoying me.
- Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
- Janice: That's what's annoying me.
- Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
- Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
- Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
- Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.
- Dr Bob: This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice [laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear] Hmm? [speaks into it] Ten-Roger, Ok where were we? Pulse?
- Nurse Piggy: [checks pulse] (gasps) No pulse Dr Bob
- Dr Bob: Hmmm, Heartbeat?
- Nurse Janice: [checks heartbeat] No heartbeat Dr Bob
- Dr Bob: No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
- Nurse Janice: And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten
- Dr Bob: My record is still good, this week he was ten
- Announcer: And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
- Nurse Piggy: I hope nobody hears about this Dr Bob
- Dr Bob: At least he wont say anything, hahaha!
- Nurse Piggy: I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)
Harvey Korman [1.10]Edit
- Harvey Korman [as Maurice the Magnificent]: Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
- Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.
Lena Horne [1.11]Edit
Peter Ustinov [1.12]Edit
- Kermit: Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.
Bruce Forsyth [1.13]Edit
- Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!
- Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
Sandy Duncan [1.14]Edit
- Kermit: ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
- w:Crazy Harry:Did somebody say bang?
- Kermit:Uh,no. (Gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box)
- Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
- Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
- Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
- Kermit: You pay him by the line?
- Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
- Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.
Candice Bergen [1.15]Edit
- Miss Piggy: Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
- Kermit: Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
Avery Schreiber [1.16]Edit
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
Ben Vereen [1.17]Edit
- Nurse Piggy: It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
- Doctor Bob: Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Phyllis Diller [1.18]Edit
- Rowlf the Dog: You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!
Vincent Price [1.19]Edit
- Sam the Eagle: If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.
Valerie Harper [1.20]Edit
- Kermit: That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?
- Scooter: I – I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
- Hilda: That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.
Ethel Merman [1.22]Edit
- Miss Piggy: [giving Ethel roses] Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
- Ethel: Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?
Kaye Ballard [1.23]Edit
- Floyd: Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
- Kermit: Oh, good!
- Floyd: If...
- Kermit: Uh-huh? If what?
- Floyd: If I can write the new theme song.
- Kermit: Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
- Floyd: No, it won't, man.
- Kermit: Uh, why not?
- Floyd: You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
- Kermit: Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
- Floyd: Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
- Kermit: You don't?
- Floyd: If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.
Season 2 (1978-1979)Edit
Don Knotts [2.01]Edit
- Statler: I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
- Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
- Statler: The seats face the stage!
Zero Mostel [2.02]Edit
- Zero: I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
Milton Berle [2.03]Edit
- Milton Berle: I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Statler: Hey, bro!
- Berle: What?
- Statler: Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
- Berle: Really?
- Statler: You work like Gregory Peck.
- Berle: Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
- Statler: Well?
- Berle: Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
- Waldorf: How come we got this half?
- Berle: Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
- Statler: That's right.
- Berle: What's right?
- Statler: We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
- Waldorf: You first!
- Berle: "Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don’t paying any attention to old folks. Let me tells the story.
- Statler: Hey, bro!
- Berle: Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
- Statler: You know what you're doing wrong?
- Berle: What I'm doing wrong?
- Statler: Standing too close to the audience.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? How is this?
- Statler: You're still too close.
- Berle: Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
- Statler: Now little more.
- Berle: How far back do you want me to go?
- Statler: You got a car?
- Berle: Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
- Waldorf: He can't. He's too busy.
- Berle: Doing what?
- Waldorf: Keeping people in!
- Berle: (to the audience) And you encourage him! That's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
- Waldorf: Please not while I'm holding it.
- Berle: That's very funny.
- Waldorf: Ah, you can use it.
- Berle: I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
- Statler: How come they never reach your mouth?
- Berle: Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
- Statler: Not so far!
- Berle: Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
- Statler: I couldn't do worse.
- Berle: Alright.
- Waldorf: We should.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? You sing?
- Statler: No.
- Berle: You dance?
- Statler: No.
- Berle: Can you get laughs?
- Statler: No
- Berle: Then what would you do?
- Waldorf: Just what your doing.
- Berle: Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
- Statler: Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.
- Gonzo: Could I help you out?
- Berle: Please.
- Gonzo: Which way did you came in?
- Scooter: Oh, what's this?
- Fozzie: [in disguise] What does it look it like, small boy I have never seen before?
Rich Little [2.04]Edit
- Kermit: A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
- Gonzo: How about a talking frog?
Judy Collins [2.05]Edit
- J.P. [on the phone]: Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.
- Sam the Eagle [approaches the podium for the announcement]: I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! [to somebody] What do I do? [leaves the podium]
Nancy Walker [2.06]Edit
- Gonzo: Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
- Fozzie: I don't know, what's on stage now?
- Gonzo: Nothing.
- Fozzie: NOTHING'S ON STAGE?
Edgar Bergen [2.07]Edit
- Kermit: You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.
Steve Martin [2.08]Edit
- Kermit: Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
- Fozzie: Yeah.
- Kermit: Hey, Scooter, what's next?
- Scooter: Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
- Kermit: What the hey?
Madeline Kahn [2.09]Edit
- Gonzo: Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... [sniffs] and she's intelligent... [sniffs] and talented...
George Burns [2.10]Edit
- Kermit: I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
- Fleet: What a headline! Muppets' Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
- Kermit: Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
- Fleet: What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppets Desperate For Publicity!
Dom DeLuise [2.11]Edit
- Kermit: I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...
Bernadette Peters [2.12]Edit
- Statler: [after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
- Waldorf: Really? I kind of liked it.
- Statler: Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!
Rudolf Nureyev [2.13]Edit
- Dr. Teeth: Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
- Floyd: Minuet in G Major.
- Dr. Teeth: Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.
Elton John [2.14]Edit
- Link Hogthrob: At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
- Piggy: You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
- Statler: We're look like members of the rock age!
- Waldorf: We're look more like members of the Stone Age! (Both laughed)
- Statler: So, what did you think?
- (Chef and chicken chase continues)
- Waldorf: I hate running gags!
- Floyd: Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
- Lou: Why not, man? The cat is good.
- Floyd: No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!
- [Fozzie has fallen off the stage]
- Statler: He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
- Waldorf: Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage.
Cleo Laine [2.16]Edit
Julie Andrews [2.17]Edit
- Gonzo: [to the cow] Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!
Jaye P. Morgan [2.18]Edit
- Kermit: I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
- Jaye P.: Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.
Peter Sellers [2.19]Edit
- Fozzie: Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.
- Kermit: What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.
- Fozzie: Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.
Petula Clark [2.20]Edit
- Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.
- Gonzo: Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?
Teresa Brewer [2.22]Edit
- First Mate Piggy: All right, that does it. I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
- Capt. Link Hogthrob: Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
- Piggy: This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!
John Cleese [2.23]Edit
- John Cleese: I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
- Link: You can't be a pirate!
- John: Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?
- Parrot: You don't love me any more.
- John: Of course I love you. I'm working now!
- Parrot: And you're making a lousy job of it.
- John: [pulling a gun] You wanna be an ex-parrot?
Cloris Leachman [2.24]Edit
- Cloris: All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
- Kermit the Pig: Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
- Cloris: Oh, Kermit, it is you!
Season 3 (1979-1980)Edit
Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge [3.01]Edit
- Gonzo: What's the soup du jour?
- Gladys: Same as yesterday.
- Gonzo: Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
- Gladys: How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
- Gonzo: I want the chicken for company!
- Annie Sue: [to Miss Piggy] I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?
- Kermit: What's all this smoke?
- Fozzie: Uh... that is not smoke.
- Kermit: It is not smoke? Then what is it?
- Fozzie: It's jet exhaust.
- Kermit: Jet exhaust?
- Fozzie: Oh, look out! Here comes another one!
- Scooter: [to the stage hands in the rafters] Hey, somebody kill that light!
- [Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]
Gilda Radner [3.04]Edit
- Gilda: [to Bunsen] Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.
Pearl Bailey [3.05]Edit
- Janice: I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
- Kermit: Well, it's just a regular backstage space.
Jean Stapleton [3.06]Edit
- Jean: It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
- Kermit: What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
- Jean: Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.
Alice Cooper [3.07]Edit
- Kermit: Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show!
- Sam the Eagle: [to Alice] Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty freako!
- Alice: Why, thank you!
- Sam the Eagle [ashamed of this reaction]: Freakos: one, civilization: zero! [leaves Alice Cooper behind]
Loretta Lynn [3.08]Edit
- Kermit: Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
- Gonzo: But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.
- Door Guard: Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
- Gonzo: Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
- Guard: He's only seeing birds.
- Gonzo: I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
- Guard: You are not a real turkey.
- Gonzo: Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?
Marisa Berenson [3.10]Edit
- Kermit: I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
- Miss Piggy: Well.. you only have one line.
- Kermit: I do?
- Miss Piggy: Exactly.
Raquel Welch [3.11]Edit
- Fozzie: You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
- Floyd: Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]
James Coco [3.12]Edit
- Miss Piggy: You know, I really like the water.
- Kermit: Oh, I am glad.
- Miss Piggy: Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.
Helen Reddy [3.13]Edit
- Kermit: Hey Bo, I've got a job for you!
- Bo: Oh, good.
- Kermit: Yeah. Just look at this mess.
- Bo: Okay, that sounds easy enough.
Harry Belafonte [3.14]Edit
- Fozzie: [handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
- Rowlf the Dog: Uh... [reading] Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
- Fozzie: Go get them!
- Kermit: And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
- Fozzie: Trust me.
Lesley Ann Warren [3.15]Edit
- Lesley: You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
- Kermit: Me, not crazy? I hired the others.
Cheryl Ladd [3.24]Edit
- Kermit: Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
- Gonzo: Sick 'em!
- Kermit: O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
- Chicken: Meow!!
- Kermit: Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
- Gonzo: Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
- Waldorf: That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
- Gonzo: You'll live to regret this!
- Statler: We intend to.
- Gonzo: But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
- Waldorf:' No, but you do!
- Gonzo: What a te-riffic idea! I'll hit the times myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Fifty print to my eyes! Make one mind the complete plate, when eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power, when I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
- Statler: That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
- Gonzo: It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!
Episodes 316 - 524 (Seasons 3-5: 1979-1981)
Kenny Rogers [4.10]Edit
- Statler and Waldorf: (singing) Why don't they make things funny?
Mark Hamill [4.17]Edit
- Kermit: Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.
Christopher Reeve [4.18]Edit
- Waldorf: Well, this has been an evening to remember.
- Statler: Why?
- Waldorf: I forgot. (Both laugh)
Lynda Carter [4.19]Edit
- Miss Piggy: Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!
Gladys Knight [5.16]Edit
- [During the Opening number]
- Archeologist: Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
- Sacarogi: When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see anybody!
Marty Feldman [5.18]Edit
- Waldorf: How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
- Statler: We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!
- Ladies and gentlemen, It's The Muppet Show!
- It's time to play the music
- It's time to light the lights
- It's time to meet the Muppets
- on The Muppet Show tonight
- It's time to put on makeup
- It's time to dress up right
- It's time to raise the curtain
- on The Muppet Show tonight
- Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket?
- Am I too hip for the room?
- To introduce our guest star
- That's what I'm here to do
- So it really makes me happy
- To introduce to you...
- The first original, genuine, no-money-back guaranteed Muppet Show cast album!
But now let's get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational! This is what we call The Muppet Show!
(Gonzo strikes a gong)