- [thinking of what to say about mangled apple pie] Well, we'll just tell your mother that eh, We ate it all.
- Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
- Kevin: You want to take this one?
- Oz: Like warm apple pie.
- Jim: Yeah?
- Oz: Yeah.
- Jim: Apple pie, huh?
- Oz: Uh huh.
- Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
- Oz: [On being sensitive to women] All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
- Stifler: I dunno man that...sounds like a lot of work!
- Stifler: Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?
- Jim: What am I supposed to do Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?
- Stifler: Yeah!
- Kevin: You can do that?
- Jim: No I can't do that to her.
- Stifler: Jim, get some fucking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?
- Finch: I don't like the kid but he's got a point Jim.
- Stifler: See? Even Shit Break knows you should do it.
- Jim's Dad: [about sex] It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun - but it's not a game.
- Jim: Right.
- Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
- Jim: No.
- Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. You want a partner, don't you, son?
- Jim: Oh yeah, Dad. I wan-I want a partner.
- Jim's Dad: Good. Good. That's very good.
- Finch: You have anything to drink?
- Stifler's Mom: I believe the kegs are upstairs.
- Finch: That is what the cretins drink. I'm talking about alcohol, liquor...the good stuff.
- Stifler's Mom: I've got some Scotch.
- Finch: Single malt?
- Stifler's Mom: Aged 18 years. The way I like it.
- Michelle: Oh! And this one time... at band camp... I stuck a flute in my pussy!
- Jim: [taking a drink then realizes what she said and spits it out] Excuse me?
- Michelle: What? You think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed. So are we gonna screw soon, 'cuz I'm getting kind of antsy!
- There's something about your first piece.
- Fill that sticky hole!
- Come again!
- Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets pie.
- Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
- Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
- Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
- Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty
- Shannon Elizabeth - Nadia
- Tara Reid - Vicky Lathum
- Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch
- Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
- Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad
- Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
- Mena Suvari - Heather
- Jennifer Coolidge - Stifler's Mom
- Chris Owen - Chuck Sherman
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