Veep (TV series)

Veep is a 2012 HBO television comedy series set in the Office of a fictional Vice President of the United States. The program is created by Armando Iannucci.

Season 1Edit

Fundraiser [1.01]Edit

Amy: Mike, talk to me. I am in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche.

Amy: So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?
Dan: Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.
Gary: [about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.
Dan: It's a nice bag, Gary.
Amy: You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."
Dan: Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?
Gary: [still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?

Dan: Jesus fucking Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds.
Gary: Oh, it's so easy. Too quick, I didn't see it.
Dan: Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag.

Hallowes: Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.
Selina: I know.
Hallowes: I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.
Dan: [laughs] That's a good one.

Dan: I really admired your primaries campaign.
Selina: Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.
Dan: Two things I would have done differently.
Selina: Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?
Dan: I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.
Gary: Ooh!
Dan: You're the pro.

Selina: Okay. What do you think of Dan?
Amy: Oh, Dan is a shit.
Selina: You want to expand on that?
Amy: Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.
Selina: See, I -
Amy: 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.

Mike: Just a small change in the speech.
Selina: What is that?
Mike: Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.
Selina: This has been pencil-fucked completely?
Mike: Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.
Selina: That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.

Jonah: Uh, guys, a man is dead. When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.

Dan: Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.

Frozen Yogurt [1.02]Edit

Selina: Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.
Gary: I feel like a gecko.
Amy: Sorry to interrupt, but fuck-a-deedoo-dah, fuck-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.
Selina: What?
Amy: "Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.
Selina: Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!
Amy: And the country.
Selina: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.
Amy: That's why I get paid the medium bucks.

Selina: Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.
Mike: You want to normalize it?
Selina: Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?
Mike: Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.

Amy: Uh ... when was this Two point me meeting with Selina?
Dan: Oh, are you still tracking my every move? I thought we agreed to move on.
Amy: Move on from what? We dated for like a week. It was like getting over mild food poisoning.
Dan: Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.
Amy: Fuck point you.

Catherine [1.03]Edit

Jonah: Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?
Selina: Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?
Jonah: No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina mocks a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.
Selina: What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.
Gary: She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.

Amy: Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?
Mike: I'm still working on it, Amy.
Amy: Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.
Mike: Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?
Amy: Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?
Mike: Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.
Amy: And there it is.

Senator Barbara Hallowes: You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize.
Dan: No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham?
Dan: I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: Chuck is a gesture all right. Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the fuck is Chuck Furnham?"

Gary: You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.
Selina: Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."
Amy: People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.
Selina: Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.

Gary: [after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.
Selina: FYI, Gary, no shit.

Catherine: You guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?

Chung [1.04]Edit

Jonah: I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!

Gary: What did you do?
Amy: You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.
Gary: Ooh.
Amy: 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.
Gary: Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Selina: I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.

Dan: I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was fuckin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.
Amy: Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.
Dan: Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.
Amy: Eh- I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.

Nicknames [1.05]Edit

Amy: You know, democracy is fantastic but it is also fucking dull.

Gary: Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?
Amy: No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.

Mike: You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?
Sue: Am I sure? [stares him down]
Mike: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.
Sue: I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Selina: [after a secret service laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.
Amy: Inappropriate.
Selina: That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
Amy: I'll see to it.
Selina: Yeah.

Jonah: So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?
Dan: What I"m saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.
Jonah: Where is the bread in this place, asshole? And you, you upstate New York dickshit-
Dan: Watch it.
Jonah: Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.

Senator Sidney Purcell: I don't have any children. I have a niece and I fucking hate her.
Amy: How charming. I need to be getting home, so...
Senator Sidney Purcell: You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a fucking disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.

Selina: Viagra Prohibitor? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?
Amy: No. It means that even if a guy uses it...
Selina: ...it doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.
Gary: God, no.
Amy: You said you had thick skin.
Gary: Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?
Amy: No, Gary.
Gary: That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.
Selina: Fuck.
Gary: Okay.

Mike: You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.
Dan: Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.
Selina: Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?
Dan & Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Mike: Mm-hmm.
Selina: Who's gonna go first?
Mike: Ladies first.
Selina: So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.
Dan: Sure. This is class genocide.
Selina: This is this um, huh?
Dan: This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
Selina: Okay.
Dan: Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.
Selina: Wow.
Gary: Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?
Selina: Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...
Mike: My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...
Selina: All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Mike: Which way are you gonna vote?
Selina: The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.
Amy: Okay.
Selina: Which way do you think that should be?

Baseball [1.06]Edit

Amy: You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.
Selina: You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.
Amy: You should really just go and-
Selina: Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.

Amy: Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?
Mike: Is this for real? 'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.

Dan: [seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina] Holy sh- Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.
Amy: Thanks for the support.
Dan: So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.
Amy: That is literally your first thought?
Dan: No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.
Amy: Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him Fuck Weasel.

Dan: Wait a second. So- Ma'am- So you're the one who's pregnant?
Selina: I might be pregnant.
Dan: So we're looking at a wedding.
Selina: Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.

Dan: So what do you think is she really pregnant?
Amy: How should I know?
Dan:You’re a woman.
Amy: You think as a woman I might sense some disturbance in fucking what the lady matrix?

Full Disclosure [1.07]Edit

Selina: Mike, this is not a story. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen? It's the secret service, for Christ's sake. Secret as in shut the fuck up. And service as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the fuck up? We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.

Amy: Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.
Selina: Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?
Amy: Yeah...
Selina: What?
Amy: Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our fucking records? Full disclosure.
Selina: Are you serious?
Amy: Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.
Mike: Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.
Amy: So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.
Selina: Dan, what do you think about this?
Dan: I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.
Amy: Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to - God, I am so sorry.
Selina: Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?
Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.
Mike: The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.
Selina: Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?
Amy: Sure.
Selina: So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.

Selina: I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. [Amy shakes her head] What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?
Amy: No, no, my- processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.
Selina: Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?
Amy: I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.
Selina: What do you mean?
Amy: Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un-
Selina: Doesn't like what?
Amy: He just doesn't- doesn't really-
Selina: Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.

Jonah: Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?
Amy: For what?
Jonah: Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."
Dan: Oh, that made it in there!
Jonah: Everybody knows this is me, guys.

Tears [1.08]Edit

Gary: The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.
Selina: I know.
Gary: We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.

Roger: Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?
Dan: Actually, my name is Dan Egan.

Mike: Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.
Selina: Are you kidding me?
Mike: Not great, admittedly.
Selina: "Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.

Selina: 'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66 percent disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.

Mike: How you feeling?
Selina: Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea- Let's put me onstage.

Roger: Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People-
Selina: I know how to give a motherfucking speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!

Season 2Edit

Midterms [2.01]Edit

Sue: Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. [pause] Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.

Selina: Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the fucking Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.

Statistician 1: You're like Neo.
Dan: Wow.
Selina: What's a Neo?
Statistician 1: He's from "The Matrix." Everything he does is awesome.
Statistician 2: The first movie. The sequels sucked.
Jonah: Guys, we agreed to let "The Matrix" debate lie.
Dan: Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.

Amy: [to her sister] You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should've been 'no'.

Selina: [very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.
Gary: Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
Selina: No.
Gary: No?
Selina: I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.

Signals [2.02]Edit

Selina: [on the phone with her ex-husband] No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? [quietly to Amy] With any luck.

Selina: Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?
Amy: I wouldn't presume they took turns.
Selina: Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?

Selina: We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
Sue: Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
Selina: Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.
Amy: He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
Selina: Seriously?!
Mike: Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
Selina: That's a good one, Mike!

Mike: Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain. What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?

Amy: Christ, it's everywhere.
Dan: Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...
Amy: No. Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie "5 Broken Cameras."
Dan: Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.
Amy: It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.
Dan: That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.
Amy: She talks about the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression.
Dan: Ouch.
Amy: We have to issue a statement.
Dan: All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.
Amy: No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.

Jonah: Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.
Selina: Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Mike: Oh, here's your ma.
Selina: Hey, you got her? Hi, Catherine. How are you?
Catherine: Hi, Mom.

Roger Furlong: You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants. How's that for a fucking metaphor?
Will: That's a simile, sir.
Roger Furlong: Shut your mouth, you fat girl.

Random Guy: I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.
Dan: Yep.
Random Guy: Awesome. I have a Google alert set up for your name.
Dan: Wow.
Random Guy: Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the "Post" about the hostage situation?
Dan: Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?
Random Guy: Yeah.
Dan: Yeah, I got to do some fucking weights. This is for rubber idiots.

Hostages [2.03]Edit

Kent: I cook these noodles every day.
Jonah: Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Off Kent's glare] I will leave.
Kent: They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair in the rain.
Amy Why are we talking about noodles?
Ben: No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?
Kent: I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.
Amy: So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?
Kent: Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until...
[Kent snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]
Ben: You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.

The Vic Allen Dinner [2.04]Edit

Kent: You sail, Mike? Have a boat?
Mike: Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.
Kent: Great cruiser.
Mike: Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.
Kent: I've got a Lagoon 380.
Mike: Catamaran?
Kent: Yeah.
Mike: That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.
Kent: You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

Helsinki [2.05]Edit

Dan: More apologizing, really? I apologized less after banging my brother’s fiance.

Andrew [2.06]Edit

Dan: What's the whole not-drinking thing?
Ed Webster: I'm a Quaker.
Dan: What? Bullshit! No one's a fucking Quaker.
Jonah: You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.
Ed: Jonah, you’re not even a man. You’re like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn’t have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You’re Frankenstein’s monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.

Shutdown [2.07]Edit

First Response [2.08]Edit

Running [2.09]Edit

Selina: Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.

Ben: So thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?

Selina: I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.
Mike: Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.

Selina: You smell that? Money. Hey, Dan?
Dan: Ma'am.
Selina: Have you heard anything about this Danny Chung playlist?
Dan: I just caught that, actually. Some smart stuff on there, too. Nas for the young folks, some Dean Martin for the retirees.
Selina: He just got one of his butt droids to do it, which is why I want you to do it for me, okay?
Dan: Your mix is my command.

Amy: Oh. Dan.
Dan: This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.
Amy: Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone - and just kill the momentum and...
Dan: Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-uh.
Amy: Let's cut the crap. We're both here for Chung.
Dan: So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.
Amy: Don't they both die?
Dan: No, not when they jump. They die at the end.

Selina: Hey.
Mike: Hi. Uh, we told everyone you were delayed. But we're gonna have to cancel this thing, okay?
Selina: No. Mike, what are you talking about? I can't cancel my destiny.
Mike: Ma'am, look at you. You're wearing a robe. Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee," you can't go downstairs.

Amy: How bad is she?
Doctor: She's fine. It's just superficial cuts.
Amy: Did you give her any painkillers, or...
Doctor: I didn't want to do that because she's already on St. John's Wort.
Dan: I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.

Amy: Ma'am. Uh, how are you?
Selina: Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.
Amy: But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?
Gary: Ooh.
Selina: Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine fucking that guy?

Jonah: There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?
Amy: Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.

Ben: Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush to my hemorrhoids.

Gary: These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.
Selina: Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."
Dan: Come on.
Selina: He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.

Ben: Yeah, of course you do, Jonah. You don't get the complexity. You're the world's biggest single-cell organism.

Selina: All I'm saying is that there are going to be difficult choices to make, you know? Like "Sophie's Choice" choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.

D.C. [2.10]Edit

Selina: Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.
Jonah: But, ma'am--
Selina: You need to fuck off.
Jonah: But, ma'am--
Selina: I said fuck off. Three fucks, you're out.
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.

Sue: Thank you so much for seeing me at such short notice, Mr. Davison.
Kent: Happy to, Miss Wilson. I'm an ardent admirer of your efficiency and precision.
Sue: Oh, well, in that case, let's get right to it.
Kent: Excellent. I respect your brevity. It's almost threatening.

Roger: All right, let's get this over with ASAP. It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly piss flap over here who moves like-- hey, what do you move like, Will?
Will: I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man.
Roger: That's right.

Selina: Well, I have huge news. In fact, I guarantee you that my news is front-page news. Your news is probably more like a page six, Kardashian crap news.

Ben: He isn't going to run again in two years.
Selina: Are you serious?
Ben: No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers. Of course I'm serious.

Jonah: Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.
Selina: Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.
Jonah: Okay.
Selina: You like to have sex and you like to travel?
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Then you can fuck off.

Selina: Okay, now listen, I got this science fair thing. So I want to make my speech - a little bit more presidential.
Dan: Yeah.
Selina: Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the fuck out of me.
Dan: Ooh, I got something.

Selina: I've got to get out of here before I set fire to one of these nerds.

Science Nerd: You're not the president.
Ben: No, but you're not Justin Bieber either, are you, sport? Ma'am. POTUS is here.

Ed: Hey, Sue, don't talk to me that way, okay? You're the secretary to the vice president. That's like being Garfunkel's roadie, okay?

Jonah: Ma'am, of all the places that I have liaised, I have enjoyed liaising here the most.

Secret Service Agent: Ma'am, the president has left the building.
Selina: Who gives a flying fuck?

Dan: Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, "Oh God, oh God"?

Science Nerd: When I grow up, I want to be vice president just like you.
Selina: Oh no, you don't. You want to be president.

Season 3Edit

Some New Beginnings [3.01]Edit

Jonah: Ah! You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.
Dan: Hey, Hepatitis J. How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?
Jonah: It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.
Dan: You don't think maybe you should take that down?
Jonah: You don't think you should go fist a chimp?

Jonah: Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...
Kent: You're embarrassing yourself.
Jonah: Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.
Dan: He really doesn't.
Jonah: See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan... Fuck you, Dan!
Kent: That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.
Jonah: Sir, did POTUS okay this?
Kent: Get him out of here!

Jonah: You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high, and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.

The Choice [3.02]Edit

Gary: About the campaign, I had an idea.
Selina: [handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.
Gary: Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States.
Selina: I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.
Dan: You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."
Gary: Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...
Selina: No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.
Dan: No matter how dumb they are.

Guy in boat: Hey, I voted for you!
Selina: Thank you very much, sir! But I’m afraid you have to go to prison!

Alicia [3.03]Edit

Kent: Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.
Selina: Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.

Selina: I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?
Ben: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Right. But they do not own me!
Ben: They really don't, ma'am.
Selina: No, they don't!

Catherine: Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
Selina: Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.
Catherine: Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.

CastEdit

External linksEdit

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Last modified on 22 April 2014, at 18:05