The Big Bang Theory (season 5)

season of television series

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 | Main

The Big Bang Theory (2007–19) is an American television sitcom, aired on CBS, centering on the lives of two physicists, their neighbor, an aspiring actress and waitress at The Cheesecake Factory and two friends/coworkers at their university.

Sheldon: [in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [hands Leonard his paintball gun] And that's what we're going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [puts on his goggles, walks out of hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
Sheldon: [getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!

Penny: We should have never slept together. It's what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
[Sheldon and Amy are talking in her apartment]
Sheldon: I was hoping she [Penny] might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
Amy: For general educational purposes or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne, you're mocking me.
Amy: Yes, I am.
Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident of our building.
Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
Sheldon: Alright. Name your price.
Amy: [thinks] Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon: ...You mean like Salt Lake City?

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Penny: I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good, on your way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies.
[Leonard and Amy are sitting alone at their table at a wedding reception]
Amy: Would you like to dance?
Leonard: [depressed] No, thank you. I'm not really much of a dancer.
[long pause]
Amy: Not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.
Leonard: I'm sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Amy: Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
Leonard: That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning.
Amy: [fed up] Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: I'm sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta-girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kinda-sorta-boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.

Leonard: [sarcastically, to Sheldon] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did. How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: [confused] What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time... Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Short pause, and then Sheldon hits Leonard with his model train]
Leonard: OW! Why'd you do that?!
Sheldon: To send you a message. She is not for you.
Leonard: What?!
Sheldon: Not for you!
[The group is discussing Raj's new girlfriend possibly taking advantage of him]
Sheldon: I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]
Leonard: [long pause] Could you tell us?
Sheldon: Let's see...[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: [points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
[Sheldon does so]
Sheldon: ...Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more... I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
Leonard: Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)
[The others look shocked]
Howard: [outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!
Leonard: Listen guys I don't meant to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.

[Penny is trying to explain Raj's naivete to Emily with Howard translating into sign language]
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women. [Howard gets distracted by two women at the reception desk behind them] and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy you lots of expensive things and I...[realizes that Howard hasn't been translating] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard: Right. [signing] Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny turns to him in shock. Emily is outraged and begins signing furiously]
Howard: [translating hastily] Oh, uh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself.
Amy: I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy? Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?

Sheldon: You've already signed something for me, Brent Spiner—your name on my list. From this moment on you are my mortal enemy!
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lotta your time.
Mary Cooper: [Regarding Sheldon and Amy] You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard: It's kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there's something there, maybe there isn't, we'll probably never know. But sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it!

Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought six new friends. Three sadly are dead.
[after scaring Sheldon with a Halloween prank]
Howard: I thought he would faint.
Raj: I thought he would pee himself.
Leonard: Looks like everyone's a winner!

Leonard: I messed up a little, you messed up a lot.
Sheldon: [after scaring Leonard] Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!
Sheldon: I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle-bunny!

Amy: I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in-the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.
Bernadette: Amy, we're really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy: Don't. I'll be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Penny: Oh, come on, Amy.
Amy: You don't get it. [holding a piece of brain] Look at this brain.
Penny: [getting sick] I don't really want to.
Amy: This is us. Bernadette, you're the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? [Lays the brain on a tray, picks up a tumor with a knife and holds it up] She's right here—the sad little tumor no one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette: Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor.
[Penny is throwing up in a garbage can]
Howard: [Waiting for Sheldon to join their Star Wars on Blu-ray night] I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.

Penny: [Talking to a screenplay writer in bar] No, I'm talking to him because he's cute.
Leonard: Come on, he's not that cute.
Penny: Yes he is, with his dorky t-shirt and his little hipster glasses.
Leonard: [long pause] I wear dorky t-shirts and glasses.
Penny: Yeah, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically.
Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement - Section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should've gotten a lawyer.

Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offense Stuart!
Stuart: None taken. Though, repellent, is kind of, kind of a strong word.
Amy: Um... sorry this causes you discomfort but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
Stuart: Um... again...
Sheldon: Stuart please, you're being rude.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: I believe, I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I'm listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting... Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You're being impossible!
Amy: Hi, Stuart.
Sheldon: Fine! Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
Amy: Yes!
Sheldon: Alright, that's enough about it. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date!
Sheldon: Congratulations, the Newcomb Medal...Oh, please. That's a scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.
Raj: Hey! I won a Newcomb Medal, too.
Sheldon: My point.

Sheldon: I help the weak. It's yet another way I'm exactly like Batman.
Amy: Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparent manip...[pulls out of the bag...] Ohhhhhh, it's a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! [Rushes to Penny] Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me.
Penny: [placing it on Amy's head] You look beautiful!
[She excitedly kisses Sheldon]
Sheldon: [to Penny] You're right, the tiara was too much.

Howard: It's natural for Sheldon to be cranky when he has... [Howard reaches behind Sheldon and produces a quarter] a quarter in your ear!
Sheldon: Coins lodged in body-parts is not amusing. When I was young, Billy Sparks forced a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
[Sheldon leaves the kitchen]
Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard: Next time you should open with that.
Sheldon: I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood?
[Raj and Howard chuckle]
Sheldon: I don't understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?...
Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? [Raj and Howard snicker]
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?

Leonard: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about "awkward"?
Leonard: That sounds right. [pauses] Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: [laughs] Okay let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of moving to LA and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above the bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard: Ah, let's see, I am an experimental physicist at CalTech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God no! [Penny laughs] The money's pretty good, and I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: [laughs] Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not "some kind of nerd", I am the king of nerds!
Penny: [laughs] What does that mean?
Leonard: Uh, it means, if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
Penny: [laughs] You are so funny!
Leonard: Good! Remember that when I take my shirt off.
Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again.
Leonard: Me too. I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. Are you sure you just don't miss the sex?
Leonard: Well, yeah. Sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have. You are... not wrong. [pauses] I just think if we're gonna try dating again, we should take things slow.
Leonard: Oh, I can take it slow. Have I ever told you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day, she doesn't know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off.
Penny: Okay, well maybe not THAT slow.
Leonard: How about this? Are you familiar with the typical development for computer software?
Penny: Yup, just for fun, let's say I'm not.
Leonard: Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. We could do that. If we hit a rough spot, instead of getting mad, let's say, hey, we found a bug and report it so it can be fixed.
Penny: You mean like a Beta test?
Leonard: Technically, this would be an Alpha test. A Beta test requires the people that weren't involved in the development of the app...
Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing Beta test?

Barry: You got SIWI, huh? The voice wecognition on that thing is tewwible. Wook. [To SIRI] SIWI, can you wecommend a westewaunt?
SIRI: I'm sorry, Bawwy. I don't understand "wecommend a westewaunt."
Barry: Wisten to me. Not westewaunt, "westewaunt."
SIRI: I don't know what you mean by "not westewaunt, 'westewaunt.'"
Barry: See, totaw cwap. You suck, SIWI.
Raj: Hey, don't talk to her like that! She's a lady.
Barry: [scoffs] Weww, that "wady" took high-wes pictuwes of my junk wast night for Cwaigswist. Water!
Sheldon: Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
Leonard: If it means I can go home, yes.
Sheldon: Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips the functions of our Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials: financial duties, transportation, and a chin jut of recognition as we pass each other. [demonstrates] 'Sup?
Leonard: Where do I sign?

Sheldon: Alright. An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing minor edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!
Amy: Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence... Does the locus coeruleus usually bleed that much?
Amy: No, but your thumb does.
Sheldon: Oh dear! [faints]
Amy: Yeah, YOU'RE a biologist.

Sheldon: [Carrying a tray of beakers] Here you go! This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
Amy: Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl! With a posse, a boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!

Leonard: Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Five what?
Penny: [sitting on Sheldon's spot, starts to move when she sees him] Hey, sorry Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon: [does not seem bothered by Penny] Why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?
[Penny and Leonard frown at him]
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don't know... Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer, and Sheldon being okay with you sitting in his spot... I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Penny: Leonard, it's 3:00 in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!

Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten. [Plays bongos] 🎵 I play bongos walking down the stairs 🎵 [Falls down the stairs] Oh! Oh! [Brief pause] 🎵 Never play bongos walking down the stairs 🎵

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?
Amy: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
Raj: Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
Howard: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point. I'm in!

Sheldon: I always thought if I were enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale.
[Penny just gave Leonard and Sheldon each a vintage Star Trek transporter toy]
Sheldon: Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure!
Penny: Oh, that's great, let's open it up and put him in there!
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil and cradle the boxes defensively]
Sheldon: Oh, good lord, no!
Penny: Why? They're just toys.
Sheldon: Mint in box!
Penny: C'mon, can't we open one up and take a look?
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil again]
Leonard: No! Once you open the box it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

[Sheldon is talking to his Spock action figure in a dream, about accidentally breaking Leonard's transporter toy]
Sheldon: What's the problem with it? I have my transporter swapped in Leonard's box, and now he won't know that his is broken. Everyone's happy.
Spock: I'm not happy.
Sheldon: But I thought where you come from, they don't have emotions.
Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.
Stephen: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
Stephen: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon: [twitching] What do you mean wrong?
Stephen: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
Sheldon: No, no... that can't be right. [looking through paper] I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
Stephen: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[Sheldon faints dead away]
Stephen: Great, another fainter.

Sheldon: [about Stephen Hawking] He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Hang on, I know. He's the wheelchair-dude who invented time.
Sheldon: Close enough.
Penny: So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard: I don't know, it's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.

Raj: Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
Barry: Yeah, nice speech Fwancine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]
Raj: I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
Howard: Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
Raj: Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Howard: Don’t remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! [Everybody laughs]
Howard: Please, shut up.
Raj: Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Wil Wheaton: Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.
Sheldon: [Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]
Howard: Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no-go to space.
Leonard: I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960's by the Russians.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Leonard: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia"?

Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Amy: Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon: Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy: I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon: Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away!
Amy: I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon: Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
Amy: We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? [turns on the music]
Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work!
Amy: Fine. There's no reason we still can't have a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat? [as Sheldon crosses to his chair he hums along and Amy grins] May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon: You know I don't drink.
Amy: Not even, strawberry Quik?
Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon: Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often. [Realizes something] Uh-oh! [Amy beams]
Dimitri: [To Howard] He called you "Fruit Loops". Because of your very gay hair cut?
Howard: No. It's because I live with my mother, and she makes me Fruit Loops.
Dimitri: Go with gay story. People are more accepting of it.

Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette: They all got ordained! They’re all marrying us! It’s adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Raj: Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you’re in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Reverend Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: I didn't say it.
Amy: That’s enough from the both of you!
Penny: Well, he started it.
Amy: Well, I’m ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
(Raj, Penny, Leonard, and Sheldon stare at Amy)
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP.
Howard: From now on she’s the only woman that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.
Ministers: By the power invested in us by the state of California...
Sheldon: ..and the Klingon High Council... (Bernadette glares at him)
Ministers: ..we now pronounce you husband and wife.