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Sione's Wedding

2006 film by Chris Graham

Sione's Wedding (also marketed outside New Zealand as Samoan Wedding), is a 2006 New Zealand comedic film about for Samoan New Zealanders who need to find girlfriends to attend an important wedding.

Written by James Griffin and Oscar Kightley, and directed by Chris Graham for South Pacific Pictures.
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Dialogue

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[At Sione's house, the Pastor calls in Sefa and the gang]
Pastor: We have a problem. As a shepherd of the Lord charged with watching over our little community, I have officiated at many happy occasions. Celebrations of love, togetherness, peace and harmony...and there are weddings you four have attended. Shall we watch some? [Sefa, Albert, Michael, and Stanley agree, and an assistant readies the VCR.] Tavita's wedding.
[Footage shows Tavita and his bride being given the send-off by the guests. The couple open the limousine to find Michael having sex with a bridesmaid. Michael scrambles to get out of the car and escape with Tavita chasing him.]
Sione: [in footage] It's not funny guys, it's not funny! Do you know what the hell you've done!?!?
Pastor: And Albert, don't think anyone has forgotten Iakopo's wedding.
[Footage shows Albert joining the bride's siva dance. He picks up the bride, and suddenly drops her on her head. Albert quickly apologizes to the guests as he is ushered out of the reception.]
Pastor: [as assistant switches tapes] Sefa, don't think anyone has forgotten Mose's wedding.
[In the video, Mose and his bride are ready to cut the groom's wedding cake, when a drunk Sefa stands up and collapses on the bride's cake. Laughter is heard in the background as Sefa is picked up. Michael gives the destroyed cake's figurine to the couple.]
Pastor: And just last night, your crowning glory. Eugene's wedding. [Albert coldly looks at a sweaty Stanley.]
[The video camera used in the wedding is hooked up to the TV. The footage shows guests evacuating the reception hall, which is on fire.]
Stanley: [off-cam voice] Bolo, Bolo, Bolo! [speaks to camera] You didn't see me, okay? I was not here! Later!
[An angry Eugene is seen fuming at the entrance, and Sione and two constables are the only ones stopping him from assaulting the gang]
Albert: [off-cam] Eugene's gone ballistic.... [The lens is blocked]
Various Voices In Camera: Shut up, shut up! Turn it off! No, you shut up!
Pastor: Shame and heartache, because of FOUR IMMATURE FOOLS! My flock have commanded to me, and that is why my decree, is this...at Sione's wedding, all of you...are banned. Our meeting is over.
[The guys propose to the Pastor to bring girls to the wedding, who could control their behaviour. The Pastor is ready to swing for his putt from a sandtrap in the golf course]
Albert: So we're different people when these girls around [The others agree] Even Sefa behaves when Leilani is with him, that's why he never takes her anywhere. [Pastor prepares swing but stops] Sione's like a little brother to us.
Michael: Especially me, sir.
Stanley: They're related.
Albert: [Pastor's swing is interrupted again] And this is the last wedding we'd want to ruin. [Gang agrees]
Michael: Right, Sione? [Sione shrugs]
Pastor: Not just dates. Not some girl foolish enough to say 'Yes' to a night out and free food. [Points club head to each of the four] You must bring girlfriends.
Albert: Girlfriends?
Stanley: But Your Majesty, Albert hasn't had a girlfriend in 30 years!
Albert: Good one, Stanley.
Pastor: Someone to whom you've made a commitment.
Michael: Commitment?
Pastor: [Mimics] 'Commitment'? 'Girlfriend'? [Normal voice] Other words you don't understand, ah? You must find someone who sees the good in you. Bring her to my church on the day of Sione's wedding. Turn up alone, and Eugene will be more than happy to toss you into the street. [Makes the swing, but the ball bounces off the golf cart and Sefa's head before it lands inches away from the hole]
Sefa: What are these?
Stanley: Pants!
Sefa: Who's wearing them?
Stanley: You are!
Sefa: Correct!
Leilani: And who washes the skid marks out of them? [Leilani's crew laughs]
[Sefa goes to Leilani's house after he learns she went to a certain clinic]
Leilani: [teary-eyed] What do you want?
Sefa: I got a pitch stranger put a needle up my dick.
Leilani: God, did it hurt?
Sefa: Then he tells me I don't have any of the symptoms.
Leilani: Of what?
Sefa: Of WHAT? The STD I did give you! [glances away, then back to Leilani in a hushed voice] The one you went to the clinic for?
Leilani: The family planning clinic, Sefa. I'm pregnant.
[While eating McDonald's takeout, the topic of dates suddenly shift to one girl]
Stanley: What about Tanya? [Albert looks back at him] Tanya, who you work with?
Michael: I thought she's seeing someone else.
Albert: She hangs out with Derek.
Stanley: She thinks he's a dick.
Michael: So how come she's going out with him?
Stanley: She's not going out with him?
Michael: That's not what she said when I asked her to go to the wedding with me.
Albert: [snaps] Michael, you asked Tanya?!?! Are there any girls I like that you haven't asked out?!
Stanley: So you do like her.
Albert: So? She hangs out with dickwick Derek and his homeboys. He's obviously the 'someone else.'
Stanley: Or...she hangs out with Derek because she's lonely? 'Cause the dickwick she likes doesn't know she exists.
Michael: How do you know all this?
Stanley: I'm not just a pair of fancy shoes, you know.
[Derek's gang approaches Albert, Sefa, Michael, and Stanley in the car park on the way to the Muddy Farmer]
Derek: Albert.
Albert: Derek.
Derek: Sole man, where you going?
Albert: Inside to talk to Tanya and stop calling me sole, alright?
Derek: Why?
Albert: What do you mean why? Cause you're white, not Samoan.
Derek: Nah, I mean why you wanna talk to Tanya?
Albert: That's none of your business.
Derek: [looks strangely at Albert] You disrespecting me?
Albert: [laughing] Hey?
Derek: Comin' on my turf, getting all up on my girl. Sole man, you know how we do it in the hood. [Sefa, Michael, and Stanley laugh]
Michael: Just hit the prick, Albert.
Albert: Derek...this is not a Michael Jackson video, okay? [Michael, Sefa, and Stanley crack up] So stop being a dick and get out of my way.
[Stanley's drinking alone and a waitress takes away the spent dishes.]
Waitress: Hey ummm if you want more corn beef, there's heaps out the back. Cheer up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Stanley: [suddenly startled because of the voice and the last few words] Latifah? [Waitress is shocked upon recognizing Tyrique, and suddenly runs off]

Cast

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