Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner (born 17 September 1953) is an American comedian and writer.

I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Quotes

Well, the old theory was "marry a older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".

• We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.
  • When Dr. Katz asks whether she and her husband have discussed children
  • Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, "Real Estate" [2.02], 29 October 1995

• I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)

• Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".
  • Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)

• My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

• Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

• My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

• Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

• My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Naked Beneath My Clothes (1992)

• To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
  • On pregnancy
  • Essay 2: "How Can I Have Morning Sickness When I Don't Get Up 'Til Noon"?, p. 6

• [One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)
  • On childbirth
  • Essay 2, p. 7

• Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
  • On pregnancy and childbirth
  • Essay 2, p. 7-8

• I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."
  • Essay 4: "Survival of the Fattest", p. 18

• Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
  • Essay 7: "Should I Get My Head Analyzed or Just My Hair?", p. 24

• Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?
  • Essay 16: "Flirting with Success", p. 61

• I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
  • Essay 42: "Fillings Nothing … More Than Fillings", p. 151