Red vs. Blue: Project Freelancer Saga

The Project Freelancer Saga is a chapter in Rooster Teeth's Red vs. Blue saga, lasting from 2011 to 2012.

Season 9Edit

Chapter 1: Rounding ErrorEdit

  • Church: Hi. My name is Leonard Church. But nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church. Sometimes they call me Alpha and a few people even know me as the Director. But I haven't been called that in a really, really long time. You see, I notice when you look at me, I know I look like a super badass space warrior, but I'm really not. I'm actually a-
Tucker: Hey, Church!
Church: Uh... [Clears throat] Just, uh, ignore, uh... I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated with the memory of-
Tucker: Church!
Church: I'm actually a computer program-
Tucker: HEY, CHURCH!
Church: ...that's been reincarnated with the memory of a-
Church: OK, I'm just gonna start over! I just think I'm gonna go back to the beginning.
Tucker: CHURCH!
Church: Hi.
Tucker: CHURCH!
Church: My name is Leonard Church.
Tucker: CHURCH!
Church: But nobody calls me-
Tucker: Come on! Get up here!
Church: Yeah, OK, hold on! For God's sake, I'm coming! SHUT UP!
  • Church: Was that Donut?
Tucker: I don't know. That's the chick who was working on the jeep.
Church: He's not a girl, Tucker, he just wears pink armor. It's a guy.
Tucker: It is? Are you sure?
Church: Yes, I'm sure.
Tucker: Uhh... then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did 20 minutes ago.
Caboose: During alone time.
Church: What the hell is alone time?
Tucker: Hey, it's one of the rules of the cliff, dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.
Church: What do you do in alone time, Caboose?
Caboose: Ah, I do the same stuff I do during together time. Only half.
Church: What!?
Tucker: Another benefit of alone time: not listening to him for a few minutes.

Chapter 2: The TwinsEdit

  • Scully: Christ, is it cold or what!?
Murphy: Uh huh.
Scully: How cold do you think it is!? I-it has to be below freezing, right?
Murphy: Well, there's ice, so yeah. Freezing.
Scully: Patrolling in the ice. Give me a fucking break. You know who doesn't have to patrol in the middle of the night, in the ice?
Murphy: I'm sure you'll tell me.
Scully: Jenkins. I bet Jenkins is sleeping right now! Back in his rack, with his big fucking melonhead on a soft pillow.
Murphy: Yeah, that's Jenkins.
Scully: You know I had terminal 8 weeks straight!? 8 weeks, man!
Murphy: Well, lucky you.
Scully: And then I make one fucking comment about the CO to Jenkins.
Murphy: Uh huh, that's great.
Scully: And the next thing you know, I'm out on patrol. [Murphy is suddenly pulled up from his neck by a rope] Jenkins gets my terminal duty. And I get to freeze my ass off out here with... [Sees that Murphy has disappeared] Murphy? Come on, Murphy. Hey where are ya? Murph? Stop messing around, Murph. [Draws his pistol] Murph.
Voice: Yeah, in here. Thought I heard something.
Scully: [Holsters his pistol] Oh yeah? Whatcha hear? A ghost? [Chuckles to himself]
[Scully looks down and sees a pool of blood on the floor. He looks up and sees Murphy hanging from above, dead]
South: [Using a voice modulator to sound like Murphy] Yeah, I guess you could say something like that. [Hits Scully in the neck and knocks him off the platform to his death]

Chapter 3: Number OneEdit

  • North: Well, out of the frying pan and into the fire.
South: Huh, think I can take about 50 of them. How about you?
North: How about you save your jokes until we get out of this?
South: Where the hell is extraction!?
Demo Man: Attention, assholes! Stand down, you're surrounded! Give us the data file now! You will be taken into custody! We can either do this the easy way or the hard way! There is no escape so give us the damn data file!
["Number One"/Carolina sneaks behind the soldiers, camouflaged in the background. She then attacks the soldiers. She grabs the turret and shoots a support beam, causing the platform, and the soldiers standing on it, to fall]
North: Get down! [Grabs South and shields her with his body] Son of a bitch.
South: What's going on?
North: It's her.
South: What? What's she doing here?
[Carolina kicks the turret, causing it to spin around and kill the soldiers. She then backflips down to North and South with her armor changing from black to light blue]
Carolina: OK, my turn.
  • Donut: How about I just wound him? Then he can still talk and I get to shoot him. That's a win-win.
Church: Not for me, I get shot!
Simmons: OK, how about this? Donut gets to shoot you in exchange for you getting to say what you need to say.
Donut: Five minutes of talking for one shot. Where do you want it, Blue? The shoulder or the foot?
Church: Well, obviously I would pick the foot, but I don't want you guys to shoot me in-
Donut: Deal. [Fires his pistol, fade to black]
Donut: OK. Your five minutes have started. Go.

Chapter 4: Evacuation PlanEdit

  • Donut: I've heard just about all I want out of this guy.
Church: Uh, I'm leaving, but just remember, this isn't the way things are meant to be. You know it and I know it. Donut, you're a nice guy. You're not a jerk. Try expressing yourself a little bit. You know, like, start keeping a... uh... journal or a diary or something like that.
Donut: [Clearing his throat] A what?
Church: Never mind, never mind, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. I'm gonna limp home now. OK? [Staggers away] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Sarge: The nerve of that guy. He's just trying to get in our heads.
  • 479'er: Things are about to get-
Carolina: Bumpy?
479'er: Yeah, bumpy. I was going to say "crashy" but that works too.

Chapter 5: RealignmentEdit

  • Church: [Staggering back to Blue Base] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Caboose: Church! You're home! Welcome back.
Church: Yeah, yeah, thanks for helping me while the Reds just shoot me in the god damn foot!
Caboose: Yeah, well, you told us to stay out of the cliff and I did! Yeah, I was helping.
Church: Oh, really? Then why aren't you on the cliff right now?
Caboose: Oh, I thought the helping part was over.
Church: [Staggers off] Ow. Ow. Ow. Assholes... Ow.
  • Tucker: Caboose, you're not allowed to use the radio!
Caboose: Right, unless it's an emergency. And then I can use it to call Command. And also 800 numbers I see on TV. Because those are free to call.
Church: 800 numbers?
Tucker: Damn it, Caboose, what did you order this time?
Caboose: Nothing.
Tucker: Caboose...
Caboose: I promise you'll not see anything show up here that I ordered, nothing at all. For at least six to eight weeks.
Tucker: Damn it.
Church: What the hell is he talking about!?
Caboose: Well, you sound upset. You probably want some beef jerky. It'll be ready in six to eight weeks.
Tucker: You ordered a food dehydrator, didn't you?
Caboose: Oh, you won't be so mad when we are storing twice as much ammo as we normally can.
Tucker: For the billionth time, Caboose, you can't dehydrate bullets!
Church: You actually order all those stupid gadgets that you see on TV?
Caboose: Maybe... sometimes...

Chapter 6: Familiar FeelingsEdit

  • Donut: Wow, guys! Your robot is looking great!
Sarge: Thanks. I didn't even know I was good with machines. You know what they say, "necessity is the mother of-"
Donut: Hey Sarge, can I ask you about something?
Sarge: Sure. Go ahead.
Donut: Um, in private?
Simmons: Oh, sure, um, yeah, I get it. Don't want me around? That's fine. No big deal. I mean, you don't talk about me, right? Heh heh, you're not talking about me?
Donut: Be right back, Simmons.
Simmons: [Quietly] Sure you will. That's just what my dad said.
  • Caboose: I had a girlfriend once.
Tucker: Nobody cares.
Caboose: I met her on the internet.
Tucker: Oh man, your girlfriend was a dude.
Caboose: Her name was Emailia. She would send me letters all the time.
Tucker: Sounds high maintenance.
Caboose: Letters from my family, letters about stuff I ordered online, even about investment opportunities in other countries.
Tucker: What? Dude, I don't think your girlfriend's name was Emailia, I think it was Email. I'm pretty sure you fell in love with your email.
Caboose: She was always there for me, until I forgot our special word.
Tucker: You mean your password?
Caboose: [Sadly] She never forgave me.
Tucker: Well, I guess you should have made out with her sister, Voicemailia.
Caboose: Oh, she talked too much, and she always blinked at me.

Chapter 7: Case File 01.045Edit

  • Washington: It wasn't your fault, Connie.
Connecticut: Easy for you to say. You didn't drop the ball.
Washington: The ball got dropped. We were all there, it's everyone's responsibility.
Connecticut: Damn it, why are you doing that?
Washington: What am I doing?
Connecticut: Making excuses for me. I'm not making excuses for myself. Why are you?
Washington: I'm trying to make you feel better.
Connecticut: Yeah? Great. Hey, why don't you go make Carolina feel better? Go pat Maine on the head. See how that works out for you.
Washington: We all make mistakes.
Connecticut: NO! We don't! [Faces Washington] That's the point! We don't all make mistakes! Some of us very specifically make mistakes and others don't seem to make any mistakes at all!
Washington: Connie, come on.
Connecticut: That's why they're doing all this! These missions, the rankings! They're drawing a line between us, Wash! And you're either on one side of that line or you're on the other! [Sadly] It's getting pretty god damn clear which side I'm on.
Washington: No one thinks like that. We're a team.
Connecticut: I'm not talking about you guys. I mean them. Him.
Washington: The Director? He's given us everything. He's helping us.
Connecticut: Helping us? Wake up. Wake the fuck up! He's filtering us! This is a selection process, Wash! I don't know for what but... if you're not on the top of that board, you're not worth anything to him!
Washington: You're just overreacting. You've always been hard on yourself, Connie.
Connecticut: Not as hard as they are. [Hands Washington her helmet] Not nearly as hard as they're going to be. And don't call me "Connie". It makes me sound like a fucking kid. Call me C.T.. [Walks off] Oh, and that line I talked about? You'd better hurry up and figure out what side you're on, Agent Washington. Before they figure it out for you.
  • Church: Getting bored here.
Tucker: OK, then let's do some roleplaying. I'll give you critiques on your approach.
Church: Roleplaying?
Tucker: Yeah. Caboose, you play the girl.
Church: You want Caboose to be the woman?
Tucker: Dude, it's a lot bigger stretch for you to play a man. Trust me.
Caboose: Um, OK. What should I say?
Tucker: Just say whatever a girl would say.
Caboose: O-OK, um... I, uh, just really want to meet someone nice. Um, you know, someone who appreciates me for who I am. Not so much because I'm pretty but because they really want to get to know me because they want to find out what my interests are. Then we can spend time exploring the world together and sharing all the wonderful things in life that make it wonderful.
[Church and Tucker stare at Caboose for a few seconds]
Tucker: What!? Do you know girls at all? Talk about how much you like shoes!
Church: Yeah, and about reality TV shows!
Tucker: Church, you start. just hit on Caboose. Caboose, act like you like Church.
Caboose: I've been preparing for this role my whole life.
Tucker: Shut up.

Chapter 8: Shaking the FoundationEdit

  • Simmons: [Working on the fully built Lopez] There! Man, that safety switch was hard to bolt on. Probably should've gotten a bigger one.
Donut: It's not how big the switch is, Simmons. It's how you flip it!
Simmons: Donut, shut up!
  • Tucker: Woah, there's another quake!
Church: Yep.
Tucker: You don't seem too worried.
Church: No, I'm not. Because I know all of this isn't real.
Tucker: Not real? You mean not real like your fake girlfriend?

Chapter 9: Captive AudienceEdit

  • Grif: Man, the new robot really seems to be fitting in around here.
Simmons: Yeah, I noticed...
Grif: He's pretty popular.
Simmons: Awesome...
Donut: Yeah, even though no one understands him, people seem to really want to get past the rough, robotic exterior and get to know the inner Lopez.
Simmons: [Sarcastic] Soooo happy for him...
Donut: Me too. Wait, was that sarcastic?
Grif: Yeah, dude, I have to admit, that one was off the charts even for my sarcastic meter.
  • Church: OK, OK, it's like when a computer tries to solve a problem, do you know what recursion is?
Caboose: Yeah, I love that movie.
Church: No, no, it's like-it's like a thing where a computer tries a number of different iterations to solve a problem, then when it gets to the end, it returns all those solutions back up the line to the first iteration, and then it has its solution. Does that make sense?
Tucker: You're saying you're a computer?
Church: No no no, actually-actually yes, yeah, sort of, I actually- I am... a computer... kind of, I'm a computer program.
Tucker: But your foot was bleeding.
Caboose: And your breath kind of stinks. You know, I wasn't going to say anything before but, you know, since we're... all telling the truth about each other.
Tucker: Caboose, you're an idiot!
Caboose: Well, I didn't realize how much words could hurt until it was my turn. I don't think I want to play this honesty game anymore.
Church: No, I'm a real person in here because this is all constructed by memories of the person that I'm based on. Same as me, I'm all the memories of that guy.
Tucker: Who was that?
Church: It's another program called Alpha, who was... kind of a dick. And he was based on a guy named the Director. Who was... also kind of a dick.
Tucker: Well, I can see you're continuing the grand tradition.
Church: Yeah, I'm very proud.
Tucker: It's quite a lineage.

Chapter 10: IntroductionsEdit

  • North: Hey, Wash, wait up. listen, I hear you've had a meeting with internals.
Washington: Oh, you did?
North: Yeah, do you mind if I ask what it was about?
Washington: Hmm, not really supposed to talk about that.
North: Help me out here. I'm still getting heat about using equipment in the field.
Washington: You did? Really? Without a pipeline back to the command server?
North: I improvise. We had a problem.
Washington: Let me guess. Are you related to the problem?
North: OK, now I don't want to talk about it.
Washington: Equipment in the field... Now don't forget what happened to Utah during training, you're lucky it didn't kill you.
North: If I was lucky, I wouldn't have needed to use it at all.
Washington: Well, you can relax. Internals didn't ask about you. It was something else. Lots of questions about the Insurrection and transmissions coming out of our... uh-
[Several soldiers in white armor run past them. One of them clips Washington's shoulder]
Soldier: Sorry, sir!
Washington: Hey, what's going on? Soldier, where is everybody running?
Soldier: New agent. He's squaring off against Maine, Wyoming and York on the training room floor. We're going to watch! Hey, guys, wait up!
Washington: Three on one? I've gotta see this.
North: Yeah, right behind you.

Chapter 11: Lifting the VeilEdit

  • South: Can't believe she did that to him.
Maine: [Lashes out at a medic] Get off me!
South: Shot his armour, sacrificed him...
Washington: Lockdown hardens the armour. She probably saved his life.
North: Quick thinking.
Carolina: Yeah... Really quick...
  • Lopez: Ustedes deberían dejarme investigar este fenómeno sísmico. [You people should let me investigate this seismic phenomenon.]
Grif: Yeah, okay, buddy, whatever you say. Hey, you missed a spot.
Lopez: Al menos todos moriremos con un vehículo limpio. [At least we'll all die with a clean vehicle.]
[Sarge walks up to the duo]
Grif: Heh, heh, you said it. Now come on, chop, chop. Back to work buddy. Lets hear less talk I don't understand and see more work I don't want to do.
Sarge: How's it going out here?
Grif: Great. The jeep has never been so clean.
Sarge: That's because you're not the one cleaning it!
Grif: Good point. You know, Sarge, all this time the laziness in me, its been really underutilized. I never reached my full potential. I just realized, I should be in management!
Sarge: You do seem like a natural.
Grif: It's the best job ever. You just tell people what to do, and they do it. And if you don't have anything for them to do, you just tell them to do something they did before, but do it better this time. I've got it all figured out.
Sarge: How about you get busy helping with that jeep then?
Grif: I'm sorry, what? I'm on break.

Chapter 12: Mid-Game SubstitutionEdit

  • Lopez: Estoy tomando su lugar en el equipo Rojo. [I am taking your place on Red Team.]
Simmons: Why is my body speaking Spanish? Oh no. Did I go to Mexican Heaven by mistake? That's like white people Hell!
Lopez: No. Reemplazándote es la única manera de que obtenga acceso al equipo que requiero para estudiar estos terremotos. [No. Replacing you is the only way I can get access to the equipment I need to research these quakes.]
Simmons: I knew it! You just wanted to become super popular so you take my place!
Lopez: No tendría que ser súper popular para hacer eso. [I wouldn't need to be super popular to do that.]
Simmons: You're gonna regret this, Lopez.
Lopez: [Leaving the cave] No veo como. [I don't see how.]
Simmons: We'll all regret this!
Lopez: ¡Eso ni siquiera tuvo sentido! [That didn't even make sense!]

Chapter 14: Son of a bitchEdit

  • North: Alright Bravo, lets move out. We have 3 minutes until first alert. Lets have our target in hand by 2.
[Team A enters the building. Washington and Maine are on look out]
Carolina: We're in. York, get up here. How long to crack that lock?
York: Should take about 60 seconds. You can give me 15.
[The camera zooms in on the lock]
York: Wow. Is that holographic? That's high-end.
Carolina: Can you get through it?
York: Of course I can. You didn't bring me along for my good looks, did you? Whoever designed this is a genius.
[An alarm sounds]
Carolina: You were saying?
York: Ok, I take it back, whoever designed this is an asshole. There!
[York successfully picks the lock, opening the door]
York: Everybody in.
Carolina: Thanks York, but do something about that alarm system. We don't need anymore surprises.
York: Does saying sorry count as something?
[Carolina glares at York]
York: Hmm. Guess not.
Carolina: We'll secure the package. Set some trackers, then find us a way out of this. [Enters the vault with Washington and Maine]
York: Moving. [Leaves]

Chapter 15: The SarcophagusEdit

  • Washington: [Seeing Maine with his new Brute Shot] That's a good look.
Maine: [Growls in agreement]
  • Carolina: Maine, this should work fine. You're the only one heavy enough to counter-balance.
Maine: Too high.
Carolina: Oh, don't be a baby! [Kicks Maine out the window]
  • Washington: [After firing a Fuel Rod Cannon at the Insurrectionist with the flamethrower] What the hell? It bounces? Who designs a gun that bounces? This is the worst gun ever. Of all-- [Carolina pushes him out of the way from the oncoming fire]

Chapter 17: SpiralEdit

  • Carolina: Nice work, Maine.
Maine: [Puts the briefcase on his back] Thanks.
York: Yup, subtle as always. The Response Team is probably on the way.

Chapter 20: Hate To Say GoodbyeEdit

  • Simmons: Caboose is... God? I guess that makes sense now that I think about it. Sure explains the fuck out of the Platypus.
  • Church: Damn it! Why!? Why did you do it!?
Caboose: Church, you're alive! Yeah, I knew it! Yeah, I told them! Yeah, she was right! Yeah, we could get you out!
Sarge: Alright then. We're square, blue. We helped you get your shiny blue buddy out, so that makes us-
Church: What are you doing here!?
Caboose: Same as you! We found you in the place where they were keeping you, we travelled a really, really long way to come to this place and fought a bunch of people, and then fought a bunch of more people, and then we got you and took you and saved you in the end!
Church: But why would you do that!? WHY!?
Sarge: Well, clearly, it wasn't to hear "thank you".
Grif: [Off-screen] Hey, we're taking fire out here!
Church: Thank you!? You fucked everything up! I was at peace! I had it figured out! It was over! Put me back!
Sarge: Put you back? Buddy, we just fought through an entire military base to reach you! And now you want to go back!?
Church: YES!
Caboose: She said we need you! She was the one who knew how to get you out!
Church: "She"? Who-who are you talking about? Tex? The real Tex?
Caboose: Tex? No, no, not Tex. The new lady.
Church: New lady?
[Carolina enters]
Carolina: Hey there, Alpha. Been looking for you for a long time.
Church: Oh no...
Carolina: Now that I've found you, you're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago. You're gonna help me kill the Director.

Season 10Edit

Chapter 1: RevenantsEdit

  • Stu Stuman: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, from the far distant system of San Helios, I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly, the bad boys of Grifball, Team Heretic! And your home playing favorites, Slipspace!
[The monitor showing the sports event goes haywire. Delta appears and startles the sleeping insurrectionist in the chair]
Delta: I hate to intrude, but you have not performed any work in the past 13 minutes and 42 seconds. That strikes me as rather inefficient.
Insurrectionist: Oh, uh, sorry, I was just trying to, uh, yeah, how... how do you get a new window? You know, like the, you know, like a new window, that's the button thing for that, you know?
Delta: I believe the keys you are looking for are Alt, Tab.
Insurrectionist: Oh yeah, thanks, little guy. Wait, who are you? You don't look like the normal holo-projection.
Delta: That is because I am the A.I. designated as Delta, from Project Freelancer.
Insurrectionist: Wait, you're Project Freelancer? Wait, aren't those the bad guys?
Delta: There is no need for name calling. I submit that Project Freelancer is neither good nor bad, much like your own forces. We are merely two groups dedicated to obtaining different results.
Insurrectionist: Whoa, man, that's... that's deep. It's like... it's like there's different universes but you know there's-
[York grabs the back of the Insurrectionist's head]
York: Don't encourage him. He's already long-winded as it is. [Slams the Insurrectionist's head into the desk]
  • Church: Washington? Why are you wearing blue armor? Why are you wearing my armor?
Washington: Oh... um...
Caboose: Oh... yeah, yeah...
Washington: They sort of used me to... replace you... on Blue Team...
Church: Replace me?
Caboose: I wouldn't really use the word "replace", but there's no word for "take over for you and make everything better almost immediately", so we just say "replace".
Church: When did this happen!?
Caboose: Oh, do you remember when you went into the memory unit and then everyone was sad?
Church: Yeah?
Caboose: It was right after that.
Church: Right after I left!?
Caboose: Well, it wasn't right after, but you know, it was like... five or... ten seconds.
Church: You've gotta be kidding me.
Caboose: Life is short, Epsilon. We had to move on.
Church: I think I just got dumped by Caboose. This is un-fucking-believable!
Caboose: Yeah, it's... it's not me. It's you.
Washington: Epsilon, they just needed to even the teams, it's really not--
Church: Hey, would you guys stop calling me "Epsilon"? I'm Church now.
Caboose: Oh, um, we sort of call the new guy "Church"... you know... sometimes...
Church: What?
Washington: Caboose just finds it easier, the armor color confuses him, as do a lot of things.
Church: Let me get this straight, Agent Washington. You took my name too?
Washington: It's only in certain circumstances.
Caboose: Like when we talk to him, or need to fill out paperwork, or sing "Happy Birthday" to him.
Sarge: Well, this is awkward. You know, I think the quickest solution would be a good old fashioned thinning of the ranks with my trusty shotgun. Any takers?
Washington: Er, we're fine.
Sarge: Well, it was worth a shot. You win this round, Blue. [Quietly] But I'll be back...

Chapter 2: Heavy MetalEdit

Washington: Why do cars hate me?

Chapter 3: Follow the LeaderEdit

  • Carolina: OK, everyone load up! Nav-points are in your HUDs, alternate Navs uploaded to your secondary objectives! Sync!
Carolina: Sync!
Washington: Oh, uh, right! Everyone, just say "sync" whenever she says that.
Tucker: Oh... sync?
Caboose: Refrigerator!
Carolina: You guys not used to getting orders?
Grif: Oh, we're used to getting them alright. We just aren't used to doing much with them.
Carolina: We're retreating!
Simmons: Oh! OK, yeah! That's usually step one in most of our plans! Sync!
Caboose: Easy-bake oven!
Carolina: [Sighing] Let's just go.

Chapter 4: TurbulenceEdit

  • Carolina: What's going on? Why are we stopping?
Grif: We've been driving for hours.
Carolina: And we've got a lot more ground to cover. So, let's keep moving!
Grif: Listen, lady, I know this is your first road trip with us, but we've got a system. And that system includes snack breaks, bathroom breaks and stopping to take pictures of funny road signs.
Carolina: That's ridiculous!
Grif: Not as ridiculous as Bonner Street.
Simmons: [Sighs] So close, dude. So close.
Grif: It's out there, Simmons. We just have to have faith that we'll find it.
Washington: I should probably go stop her from killing your friend.
Caboose: Um, Tucker, I just noticed something. Something really bad.
Tucker: Yeah, me too, dude. I think our guy to girl ratio peaked like five years ago.
Caboose: Uh, n-no, Tucker, um... yeah, we... we forgot to bring Church.
Tucker: Wait, did you just now realize that Church isn't here?
Caboose: He's not gonna be pleased about this one.
Tucker: Calm down, moron! We didn't leave him behind!
Caboose: Ah, yes, but you see, I'm not seeing him, so... where is he?
Church: [Appearing as a small blue hologram] Ugh... you don't want to know.
Caboose: CHURCH! And you're... you're so small. I would like to feed you a small cracker.
Tucker: How are you liking the new place, Tinkerbelle?
Church: You mean your disgusting storage unit?
Tucker: What!? How is my storage unit disgusting?
Church: Well, for starters, I had to delete 50 gigs worth of crap just so I could fit in this thing.
Tucker: Woah, hang on a second, dude. You didn't delete my, uh, "Home Movies" folder, did you?
Church: And that brings me to my second point.
Carolina: [Watching the conversation] What a bunch of worthless idiots.
Washington: Yeah, they're idiots, but they're not that bad. Once you get to know 'em.
Carolina: Hm.
Washington: You know, we almost managed to trap the Meta the last time we were here.
Carolina: But you didn't. [Walks off]
Washington: No. I guess not.

Chapter 5: The New KidEdit

  • North: It's alright, Theta. Come on out. People just want to say hello to you.
Theta: [Hiding behind North's leg] I don't know. There's so many of them. And they're so... big.
Washington: You see? I'm not the only one who thinks size is important.
York: I'm just gonna let that one go.
North: It's OK, Theta. They're all friends of mine. For reasons beyond my comprehension.
Theta: They're looking at me.
North: That's because they want to meet you. This is York and Wash.
Washington: Hey there, little... computer... dude...
York: Give it a rest, Wash.
  • Grif: Sarge, how come every time the Blues get involved in something stupid and dangerous, we get dragged along too?
Sarge: You know what they say, "keep your friends close, and your enemies within range of your primary firearm!"
Simmons: Sir, I realize-
Sarge: "So you can shoot 'em!"

Chapter 6: What's the "I" Stand For?Edit

  • Tucker: That's it, I'm doing it!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: BOW-CHICKA-BOW--WOAH! [Ducks to avoid Carolina shooting at him] Same team, same team!
  • Sigma: I would like to say just how appreciative the two of us are for Carolina's sacrifice. Agent Carolina, if anyone can excel without an A.I. Unit, it is you.
Carolina: Thank you, Sigma.
Sigma: And Agent Texas, of course. That goes without saying.
South: Right. I notice she doesn't have to attend class.

Chapter 7: OversightEdit

  • North: [Watching a Fireworks display by Theta] That's really great, Theta!
Theta: Thank you. I worked super hard on it.
[South walks past carrying a tray]
York: Hey, Theta. You mind if I talk to North for a second?
Theta: Uh... OK.
York: Need you to shut down, OK? Delta too. You know, it's the rules. [Delta Disappears]
Theta: North?
North: It'll be OK. I won't talk too long.
Theta: Alright. [Disappears]
North: What's up?
York: I need to ask you about something.
North: OK, shoot.
York: I need to ask you about the Alpha.
North: Where did you hear that word?
York: Same place you heard it. Up here. [Points to his brain]
Washington: [Holding a cup with a straw in it] What's an Alpha?
York: Wash, are you eating inside your helmet?
Washington: Maybe. Delta says they got the helmet waste disposal out of Beta. That would make my eating more efficient.
York: [Chuckles] You believe that? Maybe he is getting more personable.
North: It's not an Alpha, Wash, it's the Alpha. Theta thinks about him a lot. More than "thinks" really, he's obsessed.
York: Delta too. You know all these units call each other "Brother"? They call this one "Father". No, that's not right.
North: Creator.
York: Yeah.
Washington: [Holding a banana] I thought the Director would be their creator.
York: Haven't you been paying any attention in class? AIs aren't created. They're copies of something.
North: But our AIs are just fragments.
York: Which begs the question, where's the original?
Washington: So this Alpha thing is what creates our fragments.
York: Jesus, will you swallow, for God's sake!?
Washington: [Swallows, then produces an apple] It creates them?
North: Yeah, Theta isn't clear. It creates them or something.
York: Yeah. It's the "or something" part that has me worried.

Chapter 8: Fall From HeavenEdit

  • Tucker: Man, where was this chick back when we had that awesome tank? Bitches love tanks!
Church: I don't get it! What is she looking for?
Tucker: You tell me. I don't know half of what's happening these days. You found me here, remember?
Church: Oh, yeah! You were actually kind of a badass that time.
Tucker: Dude, I'm kind of a badass all the time. You guys just happened to notice it then.
Caboose: Ah, that's not true. I never noticed it.
Church: Look, the point is, she's not telling us everything. I just don't understand why.
Tucker: Who knows, man? I've tried everything I can to get some info out of her. I tried hitting on her, I tried sleeping with her, I tried making out with her...
Church: Sounds like a complete effort.
Tucker: Dude, no kidding. I used the whole playbook. I even used my best pick-up line: "Hey, baby. Did you fall from Heaven? 'cause I've always wanted to bone an angel!"
Church: Tucker, be honest. Have you ever had sex with anything besides an alien?
Tucker: Church, the more important question here is do you know any girls who aren't complete bitches who won't sleep with me?
Church: [Chuckles] Sorry, dude, that seems to be all I have in my life.
Tucker: [Sighs] You're like the worst wingman ever.
Caboose: Of all time.
  • Sigma: Agent Maine, isn't that the soldier from the freeway? The one that shot you in the throat?
Maine: [Growls angrily]
Sigma: I thought so. Sic 'em!

Chapter 9: Fighting FireEdit

  • Sigma: Hello, gentlemen.
York: Hey, Sig. You sure he's good to fight so soon? He was hurt pretty bad.
Sigma: As compared to whom, Agent York? You two don't look so good yourselves. [Delta appears] Hello, brother.
Delta: Sigma. Protocol dictates that A.I. units are not to communicate directly with each-
Sigma: Protocol is just another way of saying rules, Delta. Remember what the Director says. There are no rules on the battlefield. Besides, we A.I. should really stick together. Excuse me, I'll be right back. [Disappears]
York: I'll be honest. That one kind of gives me the creeps.
Washington: Yeah, I hear you. Come on, let's move.
  • Sarge: Attention, Blue Team! We would like to propose a temporary truce so that we may discuss our current situation! Do you accept?
Church: I don't get it. Does he still think we're fighting or something?
Caboose: Maybe it's a trap.
Tucker: I doubt they're smart enough to think of that. But then again, neither are you.
Caboose: How do you know that? Are you in with them?
Church: [Clears throat] Yes! We accept!
Tucker: So what's up?
Sarge: It's our mutual friend slash enemy slash companion. Or "Friendenemapanion" for short.
  • Simmons: Hey, Caboose. You were the one who put Epsilon in that floating alien ball thing, right?
Caboose: Hover-Church can also solve crimes.
Simmons: Well, how would you feel about putting him in something a little... different?
[The Blood Gulch Crew look at Carolina's Mongoose]
Church: Oh, fuck you guys.
Caboose: You are gonna solve so many crimes!
  • Carolina: [Taking cover from a pair of Chain Gunners] Wyoming, move up!
Wyoming: With all due respect, I prefer not to be killed, if at all possible.
Carolina: York! Got any ideas?
York: I don't know. Have we got any nukes?
Carolina: You mean besides the one I'm going to drop on Wyoming if he doesn't move THE HELL UP!
Wyoming: Yes, I can see everything just fine from back here, thank you.
Carolina: We need to get into that bunker. That's where C.T. and their leader are holed up.
Washington: How are we gonna get through all of this?
Wyoming: So far, we're not.
York: Maybe Wyoming should try one of his "knock knock" jokes.
Wyoming: Uh, who's there?
York: Nobody, stop.
Wyoming: Nobody stop who? Can I go on?
York: Yeah, I was kidding, now shut up.
Wyoming: Shut up who?
Carolina: Both of you shut up.

Chapter 10: C.T.Edit

  • Texas: Quiet. That woman is guarded by turrets.
Carolina: I can get past them.
Texas: If there was a way to do it, I would have already done it.
  • Carolina: Don't forget our objective. We're just here to retrieve the armor.
Texas: Carolina, I know what the fucking objective is!
  • Washington: So that's what happened to her armor.
Carolina: Apparently. We never did complete our objective.
Washington: But why come out here? What's the motivation?
Carolina: [Picks up the data] I have a feeling this will tell us.

Chapter 11: Out of BodyEdit

  • Tucker: So, uh, how do you feel?
Church: [Possessing Carolina's Mongoose] I feel like running over each and every one of you.
Tucker: So pretty much the same as before.
Church: Yeah, pretty much.
Grif: Y'know, Simmons, I think I'm gonna let you call "shotgun" on this one.
Simmons: Fuck that!
[Church's AI form appears in the Mongoose's windshield]
Church: Man, this sucks!
Tucker: What are you complaining about? You've finally got your own body.
Church: My own body? Tucker, I'm a fucking Tonka Truck!
Tucker: OK, yeah, but you could literally pick up chicks with this thing!
Church: [Sarcastic] Oh yeah, because every girl just dreams about settling down with Optimus Prime-- HONK!
[Church flashes as the Mongoose's horn goes off]
Church: [Irritated] Caboose! Don't do that.
Caboose: Sorry.
  • Grif: Well Sarge, You've always wanted to watch a Blue die. Looks like you're going to get your wish after all.
Sarge: Actually, Grif, it's always been my wish to watch you die.
Grif: Oh right.
Sarge: Yep. Every night after you boys would retire to your bunks, I would climb up to the top of the base and just wait. Hoping I would see a shooting star. So that I could wish for your violent, and unbearably painful demise.
Grif: OK, you can stop now.
Sarge: I even had a little jingle to go along with it.
Grif: Please don't.
Sarge: [Singing to the tune of "When You Wish Upon a Star"] #I just wish that Grif was dead!#
Grif: I hate you.
Sarge and Simmons: [Singing] #Put a bullet-#
Simmons: #-through his head!#
Grif: What the- Simmons!? How do you know that song!?
Simmons: Oh, it's been in my dreams for years! Now it all makes sense! Oh, thank God!
Grif: What!?
Simmons: I thought I was crazy when I woke up with that rifle in my hand!
Sarge: [Chuckles] Well, ain't that the power of music!
Grif: Simmons, why didn't you tell me about this!?
Simmons: Shut up, it wasn't even loaded.

Chapter 12: Out of MindEdit

  • Carolina: I don't understand. These are more than memories.
Church: His journal entries were part of the data that Wash recovered and he stored them in his personal file. Which just so happened to be one of the many folders that yours truly picked up the last time I visited a Freelancer facility. Not bad for a rag tag idiot if I do say so myself. Feel free to start begging for my forgiveness whenever you feel like it, Carolina.
Carolina: Not happening.
Church: What? Seriously?
Carolina: But, I will beg you.
Church: Yeah, well, I'm pretty great.
  • Carolina: Well, you'll have plenty of time on our ride back.
Church: About that, hey, is there any way we can get back to the others that doesn't involve me carrying you?
Carolina: [Chuckles] Wow, Church. I didn't know an A.I. Unit could get so easily embarrassed. Tell you what. Just tell your friends that you picked me up. How does that sound?
Church: Remind me never to let you talk to Tucker again.

Chapter 13: Greenish-Blue with EnvyEdit

  • Sigma: Did the training session go poorly, Carolina?
Carolina: No, it went fine! Just not good enough!
Sigma: That is most unusual for you.
Carolina: Why does she even have a locker in here if she doesn't use our locker room? And what is so special about her!?
Sigma: She does seem to get special treatment, doesn't she? Strange, considering she's not the best Freelancer.
[Gamma appears]
Gamma: It's probably because of Omega.
Sigma: Now Gamma, we're not meant to speak about Omega. You know the rules.
Carolina: Hello, Gamma. Does Wyoming know you're talking to another A.I.?
Gamma: I am not talking to another A.I.. We are both talking to you.
Carolina: Who is Omega?
Sigma: He is one of our brothers.
Gamma: He is the strongest of us.
Carolina: And Agent Texas has him? She uses an A.I.?
Sigma: Hmm... I don't think it's our place to say.
Gamma: All the top agents have an A.I..
Sigma: Well, except you, Agent Carolina. You chose not to.
Carolina: That lying-- This all makes sense now! I've been an idiot! She's not better than me! It's all been Omega!

Chapter 15: Three's A CrowdEdit

  • F.I.L.S.S.: A new challenger has arrived. Today's match-up is Agent Texas vs Agent Carolina.
[Carolina and York walk up to a set of weapons]
York: OK, just pick up a piece of equipment you know how to use already. [Carolina starts picking up a load of grenades] Or just grab everything and anything. That works too, I guess...
[Sigma watches from the observation booth. Omega appears next to Texas]
Texas: Hey, I've got this one, Omega.
Omega: [Growls] Next time. [Disappears]
F.I.L.S.S.: Agent York, please clear the floor.
York: In a second, F.I.L.S.S.. [To Carolina] Now, at first the voice of the A.I., sorry, A.I.'s, it will feel like a tickle, OK? Just focus on that and it will get clear. Trust them. I know that'll be hard, but I promise they'll help.
F.I.L.S.S.: Agent York, clear the floor please.
York: In a second, F.I.L.S.S.
F.I.L.S.S.: Clear the floor or enter the match, York. Your choice.
York: For the record, I would stay to support you, but she's really damn scary... OK, maybe you're both pretty scary. Gotta go. [Leaves]
  • [Sarge and Simmons come across Lopez standing like a scarecrow]
Sarge: There he is! Spanish inquisition! Someone's been torturing him!
Simmons: Hmm, I don't think so, sir. He kind of looks like a scarecrow.
Sarge: Savages! And they've erected this fence as a warning for civilized people to stay away.
Simmons: It actually looks like a garden. Wait a minute, is that compost? Sustainable farming? Environmentally friendly housing? Oh no...
Sarge: What?
[Donut walks up to them]
Donut: Oh, hey guys! I thought I heard voices!
Sarge: Donut?
Donut: Hi, Sarge! Long time no see!
Simmons: I thought you were dead!
Sarge: You know, we sure seem to say that a lot these days.
Donut: I almost was! That jerk, Washington, shot me in the stomach, but then my armour locked up on me. Kept me alive for a while until it unlocked again for some reason. It was horrible! Do you know what removes blood stains from this armour? Not a lot, I tell you. I lay there forever, wondering how I was going to get all that dark red out of this light red, you know?
Simmons: How did you survive? When your armour locked, you would have just bled to death.
Sarge: And when did you get all new-agey?
Simmons: Uh oh...
Sarge: What?
Simmons: Sarge, think about it. Medical attention, fringe holistic lifestyle choices. You know what that means.
Sarge: What?
Doc: [Walks up behind Simmons and Sarge] Well, look what the cat dragged in. And by dragged in, I mean spit out like a hairball. Hey, guys!
Sarge: Simmons, is that Doc behind us?
Simmons: I think so.
Sarge: Simmons, get my gun.
Simmons: You're holding it, sir.
Sarge: Oh, right. Simmons, I'm gonna need you to commence operation 'point my gun at Doc'.
Simmons: But sir, operation 'point my gun at Doc' was just a code phrase for operation 'point my gun at Grif'.
Sarge: Drat! Fine. Switch to operation 'point my gun at Grif'.
Simmons: Yeah, actually, sir, that one was just what it sounds like. Sorry.
Sarge: Double Drat!

Chapter 18: Change of PlanEdit

  • Chairman: Dear Director, Your request for more bases in which to conduct your experiments was reviewed with much reservation by our chairperson. Project Freelancer has been entrusted with one of our militaries' most valuable assets. Oversight becomes a much more difficult process if your operations are not centralized. Nonetheless, we have granted your request. However, we reserve the right to revoke this approval as we see fit. I sincerely hope this does not happen and anticipate you will not give us an occasion to do so.
  • Church: So, that's it!? You're just gonna turn your back on us!?
Washington: Epsilon, I know thi-
Church: No, no, you're right! You know, I guess I should have seen that one coming! It's not exactly like you're new to the concept is it!?
Sarge: That's a little harsh.
Church: But you guys!? After all the shit you've put me through, I really thought at least you would have my back!
Grif: Us!? What the hell did we do!?
Church: [Growing bigger and redder] You shot me through the head, you put a bomb in my gut, you killed me with my own damn tank, and that's just how we met!
Tucker: Church, calm down! What's your problem!?
[Disgusted, Tucker turns and leaves the room]
Church: [Reverting to his normal size] Guys...
[Sarge nods to Grif and Simmons and all 3 leave the room, angry with Church]
Church: Guys, wait a minute... [Look at Caboose] Caboose...
[Caboose backs up, then quietly turns and leaves]
Carolina: Forget it, Church. We don't need them.
Washington: I don't know what's gotten into you, Carolina. But you'd better figure out the difference between your enemies and your friends. [Leaves]

Chapter 19: Party CrasherEdit

  • South: You think you're so fucking tough, don't you, Texas? Well, let me ask you something. Who's the monster now, bitch?
  • Wyoming: Now where are you hiding? Knock knock, mate.
Battle Rifle Soldier: Wait, who's there?
[York drops down from the ceiling]
Battle Rifle Soldier: Whoa! It's York!
[York kills the 2 soldiers with a shotgun, then battles Wyoming]
York: Knock knock!
Wyoming: Ah yes, that's what I'm saying, who's there?
York: It's York! [Smashes open a locker, hitting Wyoming in the process and sees a photo of a woman] Hello.
Wyoming: Who's there?
York: I told you! It's York!
Wyoming: It's York... who?
[York throws a locker at Wyoming, defeating him]
York: It's "York" catch, asshole. [Grabs a photo of a woman floating in the air] Talk about knock knocks. [Puts the photo in his pocket]
  • Sigma: You run, Agent Texas. We are the Meta. And we will find you. Very soon.

Chapter 20: RecklessEdit

  • Tucker: [Looking at the Meta's Brute Shot] Wow! [Whistles]
Sarge: Great ginzu gunshow!
Washington: Is that what I think it is? Is that whose I think it is?
Simmons: Stolen alien weaponry used by the scariest fucking mute in the galaxy? Yeah, pretty much.
Sarge: Like, half knife, half rifle. What do you call that?
Tucker: I don't know, but we'll take it!
Grif: No! There is no way I'm giving up the Grif shot!
Tucker: Oh please, what were you gonna do? Eat off it?
Grif: Uh, actually, dickhead, I asked Donut to mount it for me at the base.
Donut: [Emerging from Red base] And you know I can't resist a good mounting!
Washington: You've been hiding one of the most advanced pieces of technology known to man, so you can hang it in your living room!?
Grif: [Beat] Well, when you say it like that, it sounds dumb.
Washington: That's because it is dumb!
Doc: I think it's kind of cool. I mean, when I met you guys, all you did was stand around and talk. But now you can't walk five feet without getting wrapped up in some crazy adventure.
Sarge: What's your point?
Doc: I don't know. I just thought it was cool, I mean, come on, you guys have been through a lot together. Don't you want something to remember all the good times?
Tucker: The good times!? I was stranded in the desert!
Simmons: We were almost killed!
Sarge: I learned my entire military career was a lie!
Donut: And I got shot!
Washington: [Whistles]
Doc: OK, yeah, it wasn't perfect, but look what you all got out of it.
Sarge: You mean the rifle knife?
Grif: You mean the "Grif Shot".
Doc: Sure there's that, but Sarge, you finally got to lead an actual military operation. And Tucker? You learned how to use your sword like a pro.
Tucker: Bow chika bow wow?
Doc: You found a new team, Simmons got back his old team, I finally managed to keep a patient from dying...
Donut: And in return, I didn't die.
  • Church: Oh no!
Carolina: Church, what is this?
Church: He kept trying. He kept trying to get her right.
Carolina: You think these things are anything like the real deal?
[Cut to a large army of Tex clones who all crunch their knuckles and stretch their necks in unison. One of them steps forward]
Tex Drone: [Speaking in Omega's voice] You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in. [Evil chuckle]

Chapter 21: True ColorsEdit

  • Washington: [Holding his hand out to Carolina] Get up.
Carolina: What are you doing here?
Washington: [Pulls Carolina to her feet] I told you, they're not so bad once you get to know 'em.
Church: Well, I thought this wasn't your fight.
Sarge: Come on, overwhelming odds with little to no chance of success? How can we resist?
Tucker: You got a problem with that, Church?
Church: Guys, I'm an asshole, I admit it. And I will gladly accept any and all smartass remarks after this is over. But I'd like to point out the fact that we're standing in a room full of crazy Freelancer robots that are ready to completely and utterly fuck our shit up!
Tucker: So, cheesy forgiveness speech later?
Sarge: Yeah, that sounds good.
Carolina: Lock and load, people!
  • Caboose: [Charging into the army of Tex Drones] My name is Michael J. Caboose! And I! HATE! TAXES!
Grif: It's Texas, you idiot!
Caboose: That too!

Chapter 22: Don't Say ItEdit

  • Sarge: Private Grif, front and center on the double!
Grif: Ugh, Sarge, I'm tired. Do I have to do it on the double?
Simmons: Look at me, sir! I got front and center on the triple!
Sarge: Dag nabbit! Now I've got two insubordinate soldiers! When I say "double", I mean double!
Grif: I will only go so far as single and a half.
Simmons: If these orders were hamburgers, then you'd do it double.
Grif: What? Who has hamburgers?
Sarge: The only hamburger meat here is gonna be your face when I'm done with my shotgun court-martial! And don't even ask me about the type of buns!
Grif: [Sighs] That sounds like the most delicious punishment ever.
Simmons: Of all time.