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Bulletproof Monk

Bulletproof Monk is a 2003 American--Canadian action-comedy film about a Tibetan monk becomes a mentor to a young street punk and tries teaching him how to protect the scroll of ultimate power from a secret Nazi organization bent on world domination.

Directed by Paul Hunter and wrtten by Ethan Reiff and Cyrus Voris.
A power beyond measure requires a protector without equal taglines

Kar

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  • And by the way, I got the answer to your little question from last night. [The monk inquires curtly] Yeah. Check this out. The reason hot dogs come in packages of ten but hot dog buns come in packages of just eight is so you'll always need more buns for your hot dogs. Because no matter how much you get, how much you achieve, how many times you win... You can never, ever let yourself feel like it's enough. [The monk bluntly disagrees]
  • Enough with all this fortune-cookie philosophy, okay? This is America. We don't have enlightenment here. We have Big Macs, strip clubs, shopping malls, Las Vegas and HBO! You got it?
  • So, I figured it out. Why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan. So be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog.
  • Man, if I knew I was gonna pay, I wouldn't have cabbed it.
  • [Calls for a non responding Mr. Kojima] Well, my boss doesn't seem to be here. Which means you don't get to watch me get yelled at.

Monk With No Name

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  • [Closing eyes of deceased Master Monk] Enjoy your vacation, Master.
  • [In voiceover, remembering Master Monk parable while watching Kar fighting Funktastic goons] He will defeat an army of enemies while a flock of cranes circles above. [Aloud] Impossible. Besides, he's going to lose.
  • It's not about anger; it's about peace. It's not about power; it's about grace. It's not about knowing your enemy; it's about knowing yourself.
  • An enlightened man would offer a weary traveler a bed for the night, and invite him to share a quiet conversation over a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.
  • Water which is too pure has no fish.
  • [Of Kar] For some reason, I believe he has potential.

Master Monk

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  • Of my destiny and the beginning of yours. When you first came to me, you were the most undisciplined youth I had ever laid eyes on. And yet you proved yourself worthy to be the next guardian. You have fulfilled the three noble prophesies. You defeated an army of enemies while a flock of crane circled above. You battled for love in the palace of jade. You freed brothers you never knew with a family you never had. Now you must make the final sacrifice.
  • The Scroll of the Ultimate. Whoever reads its words out loud in their entirety will gain the power to control the world and turn it into a paradise or a living hell. Mankind is not ready for so much power and may never be. That is why it is our duty to protect the scroll from being read by anyone, including ourselves. Five times the Year of the Ram has passed since I became the next from my honored predecessor, and his master before him, and so on, and so on. I have been protecting the scroll for 60 years. Now it is your turn. It is done. The next 60 years should be very interesting for you.
  • [To Monk With No Name after getting shot by Waffen-SS] The scroll. You must protect scroll.

Struker

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  • [Walks up to row of Tibetan monks] My brother monks, you have seen the destructive power which is mine to command. I also have the power to leave this blessed monastery in peace. I trust you will do what's best for all of us and step aside. No? [All monks are executed]
  • Monk, you may be good, but you are not bulletproof.
  • You may be my granddaughter. But that will only protect you for so long.
  • [In torture chamber with Tibetan monks] My brother monks, when I finally get my hands on your brother with no name, he will, of course, resist my efforts to secure the location of the scroll. But with this machine, I'll torture the information I need out of him. And now for a little test.
  • Did you really think I was going to share ultimate power with you?
  • I don't like monkeys.

Funktastic

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  • Funktastic's the name and profit's the game. See, I'm a businessman. And my fiscal policy toward crime consists of two words, zero tolerance. Unless, of course, the criminal in question has an officially authorized franchise. And you ain't got one.
  • [Kicks Kar off Jade when fighting] That's my bird.

Mr. Kojima

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  • And I am through taking your messages. My name is Kokijima. Not Sony, Sanyo, Toshiba.

Nina

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  • Ladies and gentlemen. As the newly-appointed executive director of the Human Rights Organization, I would like to welcome you all here today. Please, pardon our appearance. As you can see, we're still under construction. But we wanted you, our most generous supporters, to have a preview of our new exhibit. You see, out of the rubble that was Europe at the end of World War II, men and women of good will, people like yourselves, decided to build an organization dedicated to the prevention of human rights abuses all around the Earth. And today I am here to tell you we failed. Thanks to all of you and many others like you, we are able to continue this fight. This fight against hate, violence, oppression, and cruelty in all its forms.
  • [Showing Jade a picture of a refugee kneeling in front of a man with a rifle] Tell me, deep inside, at the bottom of your soul, who would you rather be? The man about to be shot? Or the man about to do the shooting?

Dialogue

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Master Monk: You must give up your name.
Monk With No Name: I have already forgotten it, Master.
Master Monk: [Leaving temple door] It's time for me to do what I've always wanted to do ever since those pesky British showed up in 1904.
Monk With No Name: What's that, Master?
Master Monk: Take a vacation. [Gets shot by Waffen-SS]
Kar: [Walking down subway tunnel with Monk With No Name following after rescuing a little girl from getting run over by a train] You son of a bitch. You just lost my whole stash.
Monk With No Name: Be happy. You helped save a human life.
Kar: Yeah, well, last time I checked there's no reward for that. Tell me, how did you do that back there?
Monk With No Name: Practice.
Kar: [Scoffs] Who the hell are you, anyway?
Monk With No Name: That's not the question you need to ask. You should be asking yourself who you are. Your mind is filled with compassion. That's why you risked your life to help the child. But your mind is also impure. So you forget the spiritual reward and think only of the financial. Well, if you're so pure, why were all those guys in suits chasing you?
Monk With No Name: It doesn't concern you.
Kar: Let me guess, FBI, CIA, INS.
Monk With No Name: I said it doesn't concern you.
Kar: Unbelievable. [Walks off]
Monk With No Name: I'm sorry! [Kar stops, walks back with Monk With No Name walking up] Every man's life concerns every other man, especially if he is on the noble path to true enlightenment. [Extends a hand] Can you accept my apology?
Kar: Apology accepted. [Hugs Monk With No Name and steals Monk's scroll] Thanks for helping me.
Monk With No Name: No problem, man.
Funktastic goon 1: [Punches Kar in the face] You're boosting in the wrong turf!
Funktastic goon 2: [Grabbing and manhandling Kar] Get your punk ass over here! Finger man here calls himself Kar. He got caught ripping off marks at the Bishop Square subway station!
Kar: [To Funktastic] I'm supposed to pay you for the right to rip people off?
Funktastic goon 1: That's right. 60% off the top. This entitles you to squatter's right in Mr. Funktastic's cribs chow at his greasy spoons, and protection provided by Mr. Funktastic and his crew.
Funktastic goon 1: And that's us.
Kar: You know, it's really enticing. But if this is an example of a Funktastic crib, I'm gonna check myself into a Motel 6. [All Funktastic goons laugh]
Funktastic: That's good. Pretty funny. [Punches Kar in abdomen] You'd be a corpse already, mate, if not for the fact I heard you're an exceptionally good earner. Maybe I heard wrong. In which case, you're nothing to me, mate. You're less than nothing. Around here, less than nothing means dead.
Kar: You heard right about me. I just... I need some time to think over your offer. [Reaches into jacket] In the meantime, take this. [Holds out Monk's scroll] It's okay. An offer of good faith.
Funktastic: [Takes scroll from Kar] What do you think I am, Kar, a bloody tourist? [Throws scroll to thug who throws it indfferently over shoulder] You come down here and try and palm that made-in-a-Bangkok-sweatshop piece of shit off on me? You got big orchestras, mate. Too bad I have to cut them off.
Kar: I have no idea what you just said.
Funktastic goon 3: Your balls. He's gonna cut off your balls. [All goons jump near Kar attempting to assault Kar who fights them all off]
Jade: [On top of Kar fighting him] What the hell are you looking at?
Kar: You're just so damn beautiful, especially when you're angry.
Funktastic goons: Come on, man! Come on, Mr. F, take him! Get it? Got him. Yeah, where you going now, baby? He's kind of nice. Yeah, work it. Shit. You're over! Got no fancy shit now, huh? It is over.
Jade: [On Funktastic's back with arms on his shoulders] Hey, come on. I'm bored with beating on this loser. Besides, fighting always gets me hot.
Funktastic: Lucky for you, this little bit of crumpet's come begging for some of my funktastic love. Me or my people ever see you boosting in our territory again, mate, I'm gonna snip your Hampton clean off, mince it up and serve it as a shish kebab. Now piss off.
Monk With No Name: [Kar walking in parking lot] Approaches Congratulations on your victory. Though, technically, you were saved by a girl. It was your charm that convinced the girl to lead them away.
Kar: Hey, Mr. Do-gooder, if you were watching the whole thing back there, how come you didn't help me out?
Monk With No Name: Because you stole from me.
Kar: Oh, yeah. That.
Monk With No Name: But your fighting is very impressive. Where do you study?
Kar: Golden Palace.
Monk With No Name: Golden Palace? You studied with the venerable fighting monks of Jinn Gong?
Kar: Whatever, man. Look, it's been really great spending more quality time with you and all that, but I gotta run, okay? Sorry about stealing your whatever the hell that is. Good luck with that enlightenment stuff. [Walks off]
Monk With No Name: The most undisciplined youth I have ever laid eyes on.
Jade: [Funktastic buries face into Jade's neck who pushes him off] Not so fast.
Funktastic: [Pokes her] Not so fast? I've been trying to get down with you for a bloody long right time, and every time we're about to go all the way you up and run out on me. Nobody knows where you go, what you do. [Pokes her] No one knows anything about you.
Jade: [Pulls his necklace] You know I'm worth waiting for. [Jade ties him with chains] Sorry, baby. You're on my list, but you're not at the top.
Funktastic: What? [Jade sends him up on elevator] Piss off, you little tart.
Audience: [Annoyed at film reel giving out] Hey, shit! Come on! Let's go!
Kar: Relax, folks. Enjoy the intermission. We have warm soda, stale popcorn, and dried seaweed snacks at the concession.
Audience man: Hey, dickweed! Fix it!
Kar: I'm on it. I'm on it.
Mr. Kojima: You missed the reel change. Anybody asks for their money back, I'm adding it to your rent.
Kar: They already saw half of it.
Mr. Kojima: And I'm through taking your messages! My name is Kojima, not Sony, Sanyo, Toshiba.
Kar: Whoever heard of a Japanese guy owning a Chinese movie theater anyway?
Mr. Kojima: I heard that, you smart-ass! You have two choices, Kar. You can sit on your butt and do nothing or fly like a phoenix from the ashes of your pathetic life.
Kar: I'm flying! (x2) People, relax!
Audience man: Come on, projection boy! Hey, I'm tired of the white screen! Give me some color here! Hey!
Monk With No Name: So, this is the Golden Palace where you learn how to fight.
Kar: What the hell are you doing here?
Monk With No Name: I should have known from your sloppy technique.
Kar: This is my place, okay? Get out right now.
Monk With No Name: An enlightened man would offer a humble traveler shelter for the night and share a quiet conversation over a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.
Kar: Really? [Places bottle on counter, and walks up to Monk] Well, I guess I ain't that enlightened. 'Cause I was thinking more of kicking your freaky ass back to wherever the hell it comes from.
Monk With No Name: [Walk round Kar] For someone who says he wants to kick my freaky ass, you do a lot of talking.
Kar: [Takes off jacket] Really? Well, I warned you, old man. [Starts fighting match]
Monk With No Name: [After fighting match] Got a little quickness in you, don't you?
Kar: Okay. Fine. Guess I can't make you get out.
Monk With No Name: I overheard people calling you Kar.
Kar: Spelled with a K. It's Cantonese.
Monk With No Name: Funny. You don't look Cantonese.
Kar: It means “family”, okay? I figure I never had one growing up, but from now on I'll never be without it.
Monk With No Name: I'm afraid you are mispronouncing your name, sir. It should sound more like “Ga”.
Kar: Look, it's my name, okay? I'll pronounce it however I want. What about you? What's your name?
Monk With No Name: I don't have one.
Kar: What do you mean?
Monk With No Name: You gave yourself a name. I gave mine up.
Jade: Hey, you! Kar!
Kar: Hey. You don't quite look like the bad girl you did last night.
Jade: My necklace.
Kar: Excuse me?
Jade: Last night, I lost my necklace. Something tells me you may have an idea of how I can get it back.
Kar: Well, I guess I could keep my eyes and my ears open. What's in it for me?
Jade: It belonged to my mom. It's important to me.
Kar: I guess I'd owe you one.
Jade: Who is your friend?
Kar: Him? He's my personal bodyguard. Watches my back. He's an incredibly deadly Shaolin monk. Ten fingers, ten toes. Twenty reasons to die.
Jade: Shaolin monks shave their heads every day. You're no Shaolin monk. Tibetan Buddhist, maybe?
Monk With No Name: This young lady is nobody's fool.
Jade: Thank you. So why are you really hanging out wth him?
Monk With No Name: Somehow I sense he has potential.
Jade: Really? I sense he's mostly full of shit.
Monk With No Name: But rich manure can fertilize fields which will feed millions.
Kar: [After Monk defies gravity by hovering in the air before floating back down] How did you do that?
Monk With No Name: The Air! You can't see it but it's there... it fills your lungs! Air is as real as you and me... it's as real and the same as blood or flesh or bone or earth or water. Once you understand and realize this... you treat the air the same way as you treat other things. You step on it as you would a stone, you swim through it as you would the sea. And all you have to do is truly believe.
Kar: Believe what, that the laws of gravity don't exist?
Monk With No Name: [Smugly] If... You... Truly... Believe... That... They... Don't... [shakes head] ..Then ...They ...Don't.
Kar: You can at least tell me why those guys were chasing you
Monk With No Name: All right. [Throws off coat] Let me put it in a language you will understand.
Kar: [Softly] Okay.
Monk With No Name: Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten while hot dog buns come in packages of just eight?
Kar: What? What the hell is that? You can't answer my question with another question, especially not one as stupid as that!
Monk With No Name: When you attain the state of enlightenment that allows you to answer my question, I will answer yours.
Kar: [Monk is applying ointment on Kar's hand] Hey, I like this. It's cool. It's comfy. It's fast acting. This stuff is great. What is it?
Monk With No Name: Homemade. From my own urine.
Kar: [Sniffs his hand] That's disgusting!
Monk With No Name: You must learn the unity of opposites. Be mobile and stationary. Defensive and offensive. You attack with all the wrong weapons, Kar. It is not about anger. It's about peace. [Kar makes amateurish martal arts fighting poses, then the Monk With No Name grabs Kar's finger and twists Kar's arm with him groaning] It's not about power. It's about grace. It's not about knowing your enemy. It's all about knowing yourself.
Kar: How'd you do that?
Monk With No Name: The air. You can't see it, but it fills your lungs. It's as real as blood or flesh or bone or earth, or water. Once you realize this, you treat the air the same way. You step on it as you would a stone. You swim through it as you would the sea. And all you have to do is believe.
Kar: Believe what? The laws of gravity don't exist?
Monk With No Name: If you truly believe that they don't, then they don't.
Kar: [Gets into taxi-cab playing Bhangra song Mundian To Bach Ke by Punjabi MC with no words] So, who are these guys after the scroll? Mercenaries led by a Nazi.
Monk With No Name: A hungry ghost obsessed with the past. [Speaks Punjabi to cabbie] Never fear, never inflict fear.
Cabbie: [In Punjabi] God is true and timeless! [In English] You speak like you were born in the Punjab, my friend. In fact, I would say you were a follower of the Guru's path yourself but...
Monk With No Name: [Pats top of head] I know. Not enough hair.
Cabbie: Do you guys like this music?
Kar and Monk With No Name: Yeah!
Cabbie: It's the bomb diggity. [Phone rings] Excuse me, I have to talk to my baby-mamma-to-be.
Monk With No Name: Go ahead. [To Kar] In Kashmir, I studied the enlightened teachings of the Gurus until Strucker found me again.
Kar: Strucker? He's the leader?
Monk With No Name: His dream is to remake the world in his own image. Every race, creed, color he deems inferior, destroyed. Total genocide.
Kar: If all this insanity is even remotely true, you should've let me die and saved the scroll.
Monk With No Name: I place great value on your life, but not as much as I place on the life of the world.
[Scene cuts to Nina with Strucker reading the scroll]
Nina: Well?
Strucker: It's a recipe for noodle soup.
Nina: Noodle soup? [Strucker motions to Nina to come closer]
Strucker: You may be my granddaughter, but that will only protect you for so long.
[Scene cuts back to taxi-cab]
Kar: Then where's the scroll? On my body. In my soul.
Monk With No Name: I've been running for a long time. Too many close calls. The scroll needed to be someplace safe.
Kar: So you've been protecting the scroll for, like, 60 years? Look at you. You haven't aged one bit.
Monk With No Name: Whoever is entrusted with the scroll gains the trust of time. If you become ill, you will recover. If injured, you will heal. He who protects the scroll is protected by it.
Strucker: [Finding the scroll is incomplete] Where is the rest of it?
Monk With No Name: I memorized it. Just in case someone like you managed to get this far.
Jade: Excuse me?
Mr. Kojima: Yes?
Jade: I'm looking for someone. His name is Kar. I asked around and I heard that he works here.
Mr. Kojima: What's a pretty girl like you want to see him for?
Jade: I think that he may be in trouble.
Mr. Kojima: Oh, damn right, he is in trouble. Half the day has gone by and he still hasn't got back with tonight's movie.
Jade: So you're saying that you haven't seen him all day?
Mr. Kojima: Don't worry. Kar can take care of himself. That's part of why I trust him to help me.
Jade: What's the other part?
Mr. Kojima: I just don't know why, but I keep thinking that kid's got potential. So they tell me.
Jade: [Writes out a note] Will you make sure that he gets this?
Mr. Kojima: What am I, a secretary?
Jade: Please.
Mr. Kojima: You're welcome. [Reads note, reciting] “Bad Girl”? [Casually shrugs and resumes task]
Mr. Kojima: [Nina enters and walks up to at film concession counter] Hello there. Sorry, but the show's been delayed. Can I offer you popcorn? On the house.
Nina: No, thanks. [Holds up badge] Health Department.
Mr. Kojima: [Points to wall sign] Hey, hey, hey, I got an “A”, see?
Nina: You have a young man working for you. He lives here. You're aware that's a serious violation of health and safety codes?
Mr. Kojima: I don't know what you're talking about
Nina: [Slams a vintage film reel case labeled “Golden Palace” on concession counter] Does that jog your memory?
Mr. Kojima: I'm calling the cops, you crazy bitch. [Reaches for phone]
Nina: [Goes around and uses phone cord to strangle Mr. Kojima, whispering] Oh, I'm not crazy, but I am a bitch.
Jade: Excuse me?
Nina: Yes?
Jade: Do you ever worry that some of the people that come here may be inspired?
Nina: I hope each and every person who comes here will be inspired.
Jade: I mean, inspired to do it again.
Nina: Oh. Well, granted. There are an awful lot of sick people in this world. But, thankfully, most of them don't attend our functions.
Jade: I have an idea. How about instead of showing atrocity, you do an exhibit that shows man's humanity towards man?
Nina: You don't help anyone by shielding them from reality. [Showing Jade a picture of a refugee kneeling in front of a man with a rifle] Tell me. Deep down inside, in the very bottom of your soul, who would you choose to be? The one about to be shot or the one about to do the shooting? I really must go. It's been a pleasure.
Monk With No Name: [Over the discovery of Mr. Kojima's body] Kar, over here. I'm sorry, Kar. I should have never gotten you involved. I just...
Kar: You just what?
Monk With No Name: I had a crazy notion that maybe you could fulfill a prophecy once told to me by another old man before he died. They are never going to stop until they get me and the scroll. Go someplace safe and forget about all of this.
Kar: You led me to the path I should have chosen.
Monk With No Name: Thank you, Kar. Isn't it customary to call a girl before you show up at her house?
Kar: Yeah. I figured it's in the middle of the night. If I call her up, she might say, No way in hell. If I show up in person, she's not gonna say no to my charming face. You know what, man? I'm not taking advice about women from a monk.
Monk With No Name: [Puts hand on Kar's shoulder] I wasn't born a monk. Nobody is. [They both laugh]
Kar: [Standing at palatial residence entrance gate] Hiding here for the night? Bad idea. [Monk pulls Kar aside]
Monk With No Name: You must trust your instincts. Where could we be safer than in a house surrounded by guards?
Kar: So how we gonna get in, genius?
Monk With No Name: Why ask me? You are the thief.
Monk With No Name: Okay. The two principles of every rip-off are misdirection and speed.
Kar: [Standing under a window] How about a boost?
Monk With No Name: How about you do this one on your own?
Kar: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Monk With No Name: Very much. Do it. Yeah.
Kar: [Exhales] Okay, forget everything you've ever learned about how the universe operates. I can step on the air like a stone, swim through it like the sea. All I gotta do is believe. [Exhales, then successfully flies up to window]
Monk With No Name: Not bad.
Kar [Climbs in] Well, well, well, what do we have here? Lover of weird insects and deadly reptiles.

Cast

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Taglines

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  • Don't mess with the monk
  • A monk. A punk. A chick. In a kick-ass flick.
  • To fulfill the prophecy, he must find the one to take his place.
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