Birds of a Feather

British television series
(Redirected from Birds of a feather)

Birds of a Feather (1989-98, 2014-20) is a British sitcom, that aired on BBC One, about two sisters who are left to fend for themselves after their husbands are arrested for armed robbery.

Series One edit

Nicked [1.1] edit

Sharon: Oh see you've tidied up then.
Chris: I've been waiting for my trousers, took your bloody time didn't ya?
Sharon: Oh I could hardly drag meself away, it was so romantic watching your jeans wrapping themselves around my knickers, it took me right back to when a quick tumble meant more than 20ps worth of hot air.
Chris: Hot air? you can talk about hot air...next time Richard Branson feels like crossing the Atlantic in that giant virgin jolly of his...he can come round here, you can talk him up...right do you want a lift to your sisters or are you going to stay here nagging the wall paper off the walls.
Sharon: Hang on hang on I'll just do me face.
Chris: I can't wait that long...my tax disk expires at Christmas.
Sharon: There was 30 quid in here when I went up the launderette.
Chris: No some thieving twerp must have had that away whilst you were adding the fabric conditioner.
Sharon: I didn't take my purse up to the launderette you lying merchant...look that's my shopping money I worked bloody hard for that you thieving ponse...do you know how many customers I had to short change to scrape that 30 quid together...gunna put it on one of your 3 legged horses was ya?
Chris: What I do with my money is down to me.
Sharon: Your money? You parasite...you're supposed to be the bread winner here...instead you're nicking the crumbs off my plate...what sort of husband are you?
Chris: Don't start all that least I didn't marry you under false pretenses.
Sharon: Meaning what?
Chris: You know.
Sharon: Say it.
Chris: What's the point?
Sharon: GO ON SAY IT!
Chris: Alright...if i knew you couldn't have kids...
Sharon: Oooh you bastard [elbows him in the stomach]
Chris: [holds his stomach] You told me ta say it....you're bloody mental. [leaves the room]
Sharon: HANG ON WHAT ABOUT ME LIFT!

Just Visiting [1.2] edit

Dorien: Look, I know I've got a mouth on me.
Tracey: Like a whale.
Sharon: Sperm whale.
Dorien: I've got a heart of gold, ask anyone.
Tracey: She got a heart of gold, Shal?
Sharon: That's the buzz on the street, Trace.
[Dorien cuts through the stems]
Dorien: And honestly, I just want to be friends.
[Dorien puts the flowers in the vase, only the flowers are visible at the top of the vase.]

Shift [1.3] edit

Women's Troubles [1.4] edit

Cheat! [1.5] edit

Substitute [1.6] edit

Sailing [1.7] edit

Series Two edit

Getting a Grip [2.1] edit

Sweet Smell of Success [2.2] edit

Young Guns [2.3] edit

Muesli [2.4] edit

Keep Off the Grass [2.5] edit

Mice [2.6] edit

Brief Encounter [2.7] edit

You Pays Yer Money [2.8] edit

Trust [2.9] edit

Thirty Something [2.10] edit

Love on the Run [2.11] edit

Old Friends [2.12] edit

Parting [2.13] edit

Jobs for the Girls [2.14] edit

Someone Else's Baby [2.15] edit

Falling in Love Again [2.16] edit

Series Three edit

Keeping Up Appearances [3.1] edit

Tinker, Tailor [3.2] edit

Baby Come Back [3.3] edit

Just Family [3.4] edit

Confidence [3.5] edit

The Lost Weekend [3.6] edit

History [3.7] edit

Poetic Justice [3.8] edit

Favour of the Month [3.9] edit

Cuckoo [3.10] edit

Schooling [3.11] edit

Business [3.12] edit

We'll Always Have Majorca [3.13] edit

Series Four edit

Breadwinner [4.1] edit

Food for Thought [4.2] edit

Commitments [4.3] edit

Wipe That Smile off Your Tape [4.4] edit

Caring [4.5] edit

Nine and a Half Days [4.6] edit

Belongings [4.7] edit

Hungry for Love [4.8] edit

Dorien [dressed in a leotard]: Coo-ee!!
Sharon: It's an OAP from Fame.

Dorien: He doesn't seem interested. I don't understand it!
Sharon: Perhaps you're being too subtle.
Dorien: I hardly think so. When he came round this morning, I opened the door in my underwear.
Sharon: I didn't know you had a door in your underwear! What is it - a tradesmen's entrance?
Dorien: It isn't funny.
Sharon: It is.
Dorien: There I was, standing in front of him, half naked.
Sharon: What happened?
Dorien: Nothing, he took one look at my body and said he'd come back when I've finished the ironing.
Dorien: He just doesn't know what he's missing, a woman of my experience can show him things he'd never seen before.
Sharon: Yeah, but perhaps he's not turned on by liver spots and stretch marks.
Dorien: Well, I'm not beaten yet, I'll have that Bret Warner's amazing technicolor jockstrap hanging off the end of my four poster if I have to prise it off with a crowbar.

Time and Tides [4.9] edit

Sisters Are Doing It [4.10] edit

The Front [4.11] edit

Okey-Cokey-Karaoke [4.12] edit

Loyalty [4.13] edit

The Chigwell Connection [4.14] edit

Series Five edit

High Fidelity [5.1] edit

Bang [5.2] edit

Non-Starter [5.3] edit

Absent Friends [5.4] edit

Suspicious Minds [5.5] edit

Dead Loss [5.6] edit

A Brush with the Law [5.7] edit

Mind Over Matter [5.8] edit

East Side Story [5.9] edit

Tracey: Calm down, we ain't in San Antonio now.
Sharon: Brilliant night, though, weren't it?
Tracey: Yeah! Here, where are the kids?
Dorien: The sun's coming back up, Rosa's obviously has gone back to her coffin. I'd better go, we really must do this again sometime.
Sharon: Great! When?
Dorien: How about when hell freezes over? Ciao!
[Knocking]
Sharon: What was that?
Tracey: It was out the back by the pool.
Dorien: Oh my god, burglars, call the police.
Sharon: We can't.
Dorien: Why not?
Sharon: The filter unit was on police five last week.
Tracey: Let's go and have a look. Give me that bottle.
[Sharon, Tracey and Dorien creep towards the door and find Garth and Rosa in the Jacuzzi]
Tracey: GARTH!
Garth: [stands up] Mum!
[Rosa laughs]
Dorien: Heavens, hasn't it grown?

Find the Lady [5.10] edit

An Inspector Stays [5.11] edit

All Gone Pear Shaped [5.12] edit

The Beautiful Game [5.13] edit

[Sharon, Tracey and Dorien are playing Monopoly]
Sharon: Your go, Trace.
[Tracey rolls the dice]
Tracey: Four.
Sharon: Which means you've landed on... Dorien's Boobs!
[Dorien and Tracey look perplexed]
Sharon: Otherwise known as the Community Chest.
Dorien: Yes, thank you Sharon, at least I don't have to buy my bras from High & Mighty.
Tracey: Go to jail?
Sharon: Well, that's handy, if you see Chris give him a kick up the cobbler for me, will you?
[Sharon rolls the dice]
Sharon: Nine. Which means I'm on...
Dorien: Park Lane, which happens to be owned by moi, and look, I've got a hotel on it.
Sharon: Knocking shop, more like.

It Happened in Hollywood [5.14] edit

Series Six edit

Not in My Backyard [6.1] edit

Mrs Robinson [6.2] edit

First Time Caller [6.3] edit

Compulsion [6.4] edit

All Day and All of the Night [6.5] edit

Appreciation Society [6.6] edit

Moving [6.7] edit

Out [6.8] edit

In At the Deep End [6.9] edit

Business Is Business [6.10] edit

Puppy Love [6.11] edit

Still Waters Run Deep [6.12] edit

On the Glass [6.13] edit

Christmas in Dreamland [6.14] edit

The Chigwell Years [6.15] edit

Series Seven edit

Stand By Your Man [7.1] edit

Nearest and Dearest [7.2] edit

Cheers [7.3] edit

Relative Strangers [7.4] edit

Porridge [7.5] edit

Rising Damp [7.6] edit

Three Up, Two Down [7.7] edit

Are You Being Served? [7.8] edit

Never the Twain [7.9] edit

Three's Company [7.10] edit

Series Eight edit

Reservoir Birds [8.1] edit

Trouble and Strife [8.2] edit

The Essex Patient [8.3] edit

Maids of Ongar [8.4] edit

Baggage [8.5] edit

Can't Judge a Book [8.6] edit

Money [8.7] edit

Series Nine edit

Ghost [9.1] edit

Mummies And Daddies [9.2] edit

Sunday [9.3] edit

Model [9.4] edit

Nuptials [9.5] edit

Holy Ground [9.6] edit

Cast edit

External links edit

 
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