- Tommy: What's up man, you new here?
- Merton: No, Tommy. I'm Merton Dingle. We've had lockers next to each other since kindergarden.
- Tommy: Listen, you've gotta help me man. I'm not evil, I'm just... hairy.
- Becky: Tommy Dawkins, you are supposed to be cool? What are you doing here?
- Tommy: I am a... friend of your brother's.
- Merton & Becky: Really?!
The Bookmobile [1.02]Edit
- Merton: The librarian is a palm scanning human book absorbtionist. OK, that's not the latin name for it, but she's turning people into books.
Butch Comes to Shove [1.03]Edit
- Security guard: Detention is the cornerstone on which the cathedral of discipline is built.
- Tommy: The twist? A malted? I've got to send this guy back to where he belongs.
- Tommy: I guess I'm just going to have to handle this myself. As Tommy Dawkins.
- Merton kicks Tommy in the groin and Tommy turns into a werewolf.
- Merton: You know, just in case.
Cat Woman [1.04]Edit
Witch College [1.05]Edit
The Pleasantville Strangler [1.06]Edit
- Merton: The strangler always sang ring around the rozy before he tried to strangle somebody.
- Tommy: Yeah, well, you know. I hope Stacey doesn't think these are hickies.
Stage Fright [1.07]Edit
- Becky: That was the lamest thing I've seen since Meet Joe Black.
That Swamp Thing You Do! [1.08]Edit
Muffy the Werewolf Slayer [1.09]Edit
Stalk Like an Egyptian [1.10]Edit
Invisible Merton [1.12]Edit
- Tommy': You cheated on Dungeons & Dragons?
- Merton: Alastair Black put a spell on me, that's how! That goth-poser-warlock-wannabe!
- Tommy: He is obviously not a goth-poser-warlock-wannabe when he made you hand disappear.
- Merton: Oh, you are just saying that because you're his Vicepresident!
- Merton: When I'm totally invisible, I'm totally invisible FOREVER!
- Tommy: Don't worry man. I mean you think of something. You got a good head on your shoulders.
- Merton: Unfortunately... that's all I have!
The Wolf Is Out There [1.13]Edit
Interview with a Werewolf [1.14]Edit
Fangs for the Memories [1.15]Edit
Time and Again [1.16]Edit
Big Bad Wolf [1.17]Edit
Scary Terri [1.18]Edit
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow [1.19]Edit
The Exor-Sis [1.20]Edit
- Merton bumps into Tommy wearing a straight-jacket
- Tommy: Let me guess, T'n'T.
- Merton: Third time this week. I'm a senior getting stuffed into lockers. I'd have to check with the folks of Guinness, but I think that makes me the world's biggest LOSER!
- Merton: You know what really gets me, ever since your first transformation I been there for you. I helped keeping your secret, I looked for cures. The flea bath?!
- Tommy: Wait a second Merton, I think guilt makes me wolf-out!
- Merton: Yeah, but I've never complained, because I ever thought that someday you would be there for me. But no.
- Merton: Becky what is wrong with you? Did the Backstreet Boys break up?
Don't Fear the Reaper [1.21]Edit
Game Over [1.22]Edit
Hello Nasty [2.01]Edit
Frank Stein [2.02]Edit
Commie Dawkins [2.03]Edit
The Girl Who Spied Wolf [2.04]Edit
Apocalypse Soon [2.05]Edit
The Sandman Cometh [2.06]Edit
The Geek Shall Inherit the Earth [2.07]Edit
Imaginary Fiend [2.08]Edit
- Merton: Clue! I used to love this game. Vince and I played this all the time. And to keep things interesting we award extra points for the really creative murderer.
- Tommy: Who is Vince?
- Merton: He was my imaginary friend.
- Vince: It's Vince, in the lair, with the lead pipe. And it's playtime!
- Vince: You locked Vince up in that chest too, little buddy. But no hurt feelings, Vince is back and it's p-p-p-playtime!
- Merton: I don't wanna p-p-p-play with my imaginary friend!
- Merton: It's Merton, in the lair, freaking out!
101 Damnations [2.09]Edit
Mind Over Merton [2.10]Edit
Blame It on the Haim [2.11]Edit
Pleased to Eat You [2.12]Edit
The Manchurian Werewolf [2.13]Edit
- Merton: Don't know what I did to make you go wolfy, but I do apologies, You can de-wolf now!
- Merton: Tommy you just wolfed out and tried to kill me!
- Tommy: What? I would never hurt you, you are like my best friend.
- Merton: Really? Thanks man. Wait a minute, you just did attacked me!
- Merton: Tommy, would it mean anything to you when I would said the words, pizza's here?
Manchu: Part Deux [2.14]Edit
- Merton: I shouldn't even be here, you know. She is your girlfriend, not mine! She never was particular nice to me.
- Merton licks on stones
- Tommy: Dude if you are hungry, I've got that chicken sandwich. It smells funky, but...
- Merton: I'm not eating the rocks, Tommy! I'm tasting them.
Mr. Roboto [2.15]Edit
Rob: Zombie [2.16]Edit
Fear and Loathing in Pleasantville [2.17]Edit
Faltered States [2.18]Edit
Butch Is Back [2.19]Edit
Voodoo Child [2.20]Edit
She Will, She Will Rock You [2.21]Edit
Clip Show: The Kiss of Death [2.22]Edit
Stone Free [3.01]Edit
Everybody Fang Chung Tonight [3.02]Edit
I Dream of Becky [3.03]Edit
Stormy Weather [3.04]Edit
Anti-Claus Is Coming to Town [3.05]Edit
Being Tommy Dawkins [3.07]Edit
Save the Last Trance [3.08]Edit
Very Pale Rider [3.10]Edit
Play It Again, Samurai [3.11]Edit
Dances Without Wolves [3.12]Edit
Baby on Board [3.13]Edit
The Boy Who Tried Wolf [3.14]Edit
The Mertonator [3.15]Edit
What's Vlud Got to Do with It? [3.16]Edit
There's Something About Lori [3.17]Edit
Switch Me Baby One More Time [3.18]Edit
What's the Story, Mourning Corey [3.19]Edit
Clip Show: The Sum of All Fears [3.21]Edit