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Ghosts (American TV series)

American television sitcom

Ghosts (2021–present) is an American single-camera sitcom, airing on CBS, about a young couple whose dreams come true when they inherit a beautiful country house, only to find it's both falling apart and inhabited by many of the deceased previous residents.

Season 1

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Pilot [1.01]

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[First lines of the series]
Trevor: It won't be long now.
Alberta: At least she's comfortable.
Pete: There's definitely worse ways to go.
Alberta: Amen.
Isaac: We are ghosts. While most spirits pass on to the afterlife, we are the unfortunate few cursed to spend eternity... Oh, and she's gone.
Isaac: We are ghosts, those poor spirits who dwell on, compelled for reasons unknown to...
[Crash is headless. Samantha screams in terror.]
[final lines]

Hello! [1.02]

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Isaac: Okay, I need you to look up "Alexander Hamilton" on this.

Viking Funeral [1.03]

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Jay: You're not even listening to me.
Samantha: Babe, you're not listening to me.

Dinner Party [1.04]

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Pete: Unbelievable!
[final lines]

Halloween [1.05]

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Alberta: We hate Halloween.
Jay: What did they say?
Samantha: They don't like it.
Jay: OK, that feels off brand.

Pete's Wife [1.06]

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[first lines]
Pete: And just like everything else, when it comes to nature and safety or even plain old life lessons, it's all in this book. Which brings us to today's lesson: archery!
Scouts: Yay!
Pete: Now, I'm sure we all just want to just start flinging arrows at the targets, but, first, we need to go over some basic safety rules, okay? Rule number one... and I cannot emphasize this enough... never notch an arrow when someone is downra...
[A scout shoots the dart on Pete's neck with an arrow.]
Pete: Is it... uh... is it in my neck? Uh... this is actually a great opportunity to discuss what to do in this situation, right? Becky. Becky, you want to run and tell the lady at the house and see if you can use her phone? I'm gonna... I'm actually gonna take a nap, uh, behind the sh-shed over there. Let's reconvene in 15, okay? Mm. You know, 15, 20.

Flower's Article [1.07]

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[first lines]
Bank Robber #1: This is a stickup. Everybody down on the ground. Just stay on the floor, and nobody gets hurt.
Bank Robber #2: Hurry up before the pigs get here.

D&D [1.08]

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[first lines]
Isaac: Troops, we're running low on fresh water, so I must speak against this ridiculous new trend of hand-washing.
Jay: Seriously, this is super creepy! Are you guys still in here? Please leave.
[final lines]

Alberta's Fan [1.09]

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[first lines]
Alberta: Let's go, Sam! We don't have all day!

Possession [1.10]

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Hetty: Careful, you cad. Those sconces are made of pure leaded crystal. They are worth more than Oklahoma.
Jay: Okay, yep. Easy-peasy...
[Jay gets electrocuted and falls on top of Hetty.]
Samantha: Jay! Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?
Flower: What's going on?
Samantha: I think Jay electrocuted himself.
Isaac: Oh, he's fine. Ben Franklin used to do the same thing all the time for attention. More like Needy Richard's Almanack, am I right?

Sam's Mom [1.11]

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Sasappis: And also to remind you to leave the TV on when you go.

Jay's Sister [1.12]

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Samantha: He used the kitchen iPad. I knew we needed a better password than 1234.

The Vault [1.13]

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Jay: Okay. I'll just stay in here with the corpse and all the ghosts. I was kidding. Sam, please slow down! Sam!

Ghostwriter [1.14]

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Thorfinn: Yes! Is favorite story that does not involve killing Danes.
[final lines]

Thorapy [1.15]

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Trevor: Sam!

Trevor's Pants [1.16]

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[first lines]
Trevor: Boys, boys. Notice anything different about me?
Ari: Uh, no, but I noticed something different about your mom when I left her house this morning.
All: Oh!

Attic Girl [1.17]

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Samantha: Alexa, play "Kiss Me".
Alexa: Playing "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer.
Hetty: You should take it down.
Stephanie: No, that's my poster.
Hetty: Take it down.
Stephanie: That's my special new poster.
Hetty: Take it down!
Ghosts: No!
[final lines]

Farnsby & B [1.18]

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Samantha and Jay: Welcome to Woodstone B & B.

Season 2

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Spies [2.01]

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Tom: I feel as if I've died and went to heaven.
Alberta: If only if it were that simple.

Alberta's Podcast [2.02]

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Samantha: A podcast is like a... like a TV show but without the pictures.
Alberta: Baby, that's called radio. What you're describing is radio.

Jay's Friends [2.03]

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Jay: Yeah, okay, so he's a bit hippie-dip pie, I'll give you that, but you don't know him yet.

The Tree [2.04]

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Samantha: She says hi.

Halloween 2: The Ghost of Hetty's Past [2.05]

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Both: Spirit, spirit, listen clear.

The Baby Bjorn [2.06]

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Isaac: Through a combination of shrewd bargaining and a general disdain for physical touch...

Dumb Deaths [2.07]

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Thorfinn: Yeah. Ugh.
Isaac: And while today he may be celebrated as a great man, it turns out Hamilton was a bit of a nose-picker.

The Liquor License [2.08]

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Ben Franklin: Higgintoot.

The Christmas Spirit

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Part 1 [2.09]

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Thorfinn: Careful.
[Samantha gets electrocuted and falls on top of Thorfinn.]
Samantha: What happen? Why hands so small and clean?
Ghosts: Merry Christmas, Sam!

Part 2 [2.10]

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Pete: It-it wasn't your fault, though. I mean, you were still figuring things out yourself.

The Perfect Assistant [2.11]

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Flower: Ooh. What's going on?

The Family Business [2.12]

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Hetty: It's time we finally discuss our little Christmas dalliance.

Ghost Hunter [2.13]

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Sasappis: My relationship's on the line and Jay's pinching pennies.

Trevor's Body [2.14]

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Hetty: Tara Reid is giving a speech.

A Date To Remember [2.15]

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Jay: Okay. What do Vikings eat?
Jay: Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Isaac's Book [2.16]

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Terry: So, you're proposing a book about a regular guy who was near some things and then crapped himself to death?

Weekend From Hell [2.17]

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Pete: Hey, Sam, I'm ready!

Alberta's Descendant [2.18]

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Alberta: Don't let up.
Alicia: Her toenail?

Ghost Father of the Bride [2.19]

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Alberta: We found Crash's head.
Crash: Hiya, Toots.
Samantha: Oh, my God!

Woodstone's Hottest Couple [2.20]

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Stephanie: Are you happy to see me?
Stephanie: You know, I'm technically 54 years old now.

Whodunnit [2.21]

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Samantha: I have one day to solve Alberta's murder.
Thorfinn: You just drink alcohol even though no idea who gave it to you.
Alberta: What's your point, Thor? We all got here somehow.

The Heir [2.22]

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Pete: Cheese & crackers!

Season 3

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The Owl [3.01]

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Samantha: The library is empty!
Jay: I can't see ghosts. I don't know why I went in there!

Man of Your Dreams [3.02]

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Sasappis: It's my ghost power.
Pete: Holy guacamole!

He Sees Dead People [3.03]

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Alberta: Skipping over pleasantries, I need a page turn in my People magazine.

Halloween 3: The Guest Who Wouldn't Leave [3.04]

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Thorfinn: R-u-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!
Pete: Carol's a GHOST!!!

The Silent Partner [3.05]

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Isaac: It's Pete Widow.
Young Hetty: Give mama some sugar.

Hello, Brother [3.06]

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Hetty: He's older than my father was when he died of old age.
Thorfinn: Very simple way to die.

The Polterguest [3.07]

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Ghosts: Whoa!
Alberta: Oh, my god. How about that?

Holes Are Bad [3.08]

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Pete: You're gonna have to go through the dirt.
Flower: Oh, that's cool. It'll be like Woodstock, there was a lot of mud.

The Traveling Agent [3.09]

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Samantha: He discovered his ghost power. He can leave the property.
Robot: Bon appetit!

Isaac's Wedding [3.10]

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Jay: Oh, my god. Is this wedding over yet?
Samantha: One second, Jay.

Season 4

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Cast

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