The Vicar of Dibley

The Vicar of Dibley (1994–2006) is a British sitcom created by Richard Curtis, and mostly written by Curtis and Paul Mayhew-Archer. The show was written for its title actor, Dawn French.

The sitcom is about a small fictional village called Dibley that gets a female vicar (set after the real-life change in Church of England law allowing the ordination of women). It is a comedic study of the effect that this has on a small rural community. The Vicar of Dibley came third in a 2004 BBC poll to find 'Britain's Best Sitcom'.

Series 1

The Arrival

Reverend Pottle: Lord, we ask you to bless the members of this, thy congregation. (There are four people in the pews.) We also ask you to remember the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family. (Alice whispers in his ear) Mrs. Sinclair Wilson, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. May you bring them happiness in this life and in the next. Peace everlasting. Amen.

Alice: Amen.

(Alice looks up to see that Reverand Pottle has apparently dozed off in the pulpit. She nudges him and then checks his pulse. He is dead.)

Alice: Um... We now sing hymn number 16: 'The Day Thou Gavest Lord is Ended.'

(They begin to sing and carry on as Reverand Pottle slowly tilts and falls to the ground.)

(On deciding to rally the parish council against the appointment of a female vicar)

David Horton: They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!

Hugo Horton: I didn't know they called you Sportin' Horton. I thought they called you Dirty David due to your enormous collection of Victorian porno-

David Horton: Oh for goodness sake! Shut up!

Geraldine Granger: You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.

David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.

Geraldine Granger: And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.

David Horton: So I see.

David Horton: Owen, this is Geraldine. She's the new vicar.

Owen Newitt: No it isn't! She's a woman!

Geraldine Granger: Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?

Alice: You can call me Alice.

Geraldine: Right.

Alice: Because it's my name.

Geraldine: I've just been visiting my new parishioners. Frankly I think that they would have been less surprised if the new vicar was Mr Blobby.

Songs of Praise

David Horton: Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?

Jim Trott: No no no no... I quite like that bit.

David Horton: Let alone kiss them?

Jim Trott: I love that bit!

Mrs Cropley: I rather enjoyed Lady Chatterley. Some very useful tips.

David Horton: I beg your pardon?

Mrs Cropley: Oh, gardening tips. Mellors was a game keeper. Very good at hedge control.

David Horton: I see.

Mrs Cropley: I thought the sex was jolly good fun as well!

David Horton: We are, for once, all agreed. Songs of Praise is cheapening, shallow and ridiculous,[Turns to Hugo] Isn't it?

Hugo Horton: Oh yes. Very cheapening.

Mrs Cropley: Utterly shallow.

Frank Pickle: Totally ridiculous.

David Horton: Excellent. Well, let's have a vote on this shall we? Anybody in favour of letting the morons from TV land into our church?

[All council members except David raise their hands enthusiastically, even Owen, who is just stretching his arm to put on a plastic arm-length glove.]

Frank Pickle: I mean, it's gotta be a hoot, hasn't it?

Community Spirit

Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! No no no no no no no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent!

(A villager comes up to Jim)

Villager: Is that "No parking is allowed in the upper field", or "Parking is allowed in the upper field"?

Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! OK?

David Horton: Our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther Movement!

David Horton: [delighted] I've just been told the news; what a total and utter unmitigated cock-up! I thought the fair in '87 was embarrassing enough when those bloody kids put cannabis in the cupcakes, but this really is the queen of balls-ups! Hundreds of people waiting to see Elton John and you invite "Rambling Sid Rumpot"!

Mrs Cropley: I rather enjoyed the fair in '87. Such larks!

The Window & The Weather

Owen Newitt: Filthy weather!

Jim Trott: No, no, no I've known worse.

Owen Newitt: Oh yes? When was that then?

Jim Trott: The Great Storm. When the windmill got blown over.

Owen Newitt: That wasn't The Great Storm, that was a moderately windy night! No, the really great storm... was The Great Storm.

Jim Trott: When was that?

Owen Newitt: When Dave Batt got decapitated.

Jim Trott: That wasn't the great storm!

Owen Newitt: Well, it was pretty damn great!

David Horton: I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass, and the lowest quote we have is for £11,000.

Owen Newitt: Bugger me! You could get someone killed for that!

David Horton: Sadly, you must minute Frank that Dibley can't afford a new window.

Geraldine: Stop writing, Frank! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!

Owen Newitt: Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...

Jim Trott: You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

Election

David Horton: What was that socialist trout you were spouting from the pulpit last week?

Vicar: I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.

David Horton: Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.

Vicar: I think you'll find he did actually!

David Horton: Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."

Vicar:Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?

David Horton: You can't deny there are similarities.

Vicar:(Loudly) There bloody are not!

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The Christmas Lunch Incident(s)

David Horton: You're the saddest person in the kingdom, and that's including Rolf Harris. (Celebrity Vicar)

Owen Newitt: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour. (Autumn)

Geraldine: That Cropley woman really is the Queen of cordon bleauuuuuu!. (Election)

Geraldine: This Christmas is quite special this year.

Jim: Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?

Geraldine: No, no!

Owen: Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?

Geraldine: Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.

Frank: You chose to spend the best ten years of your life - when you could have been having the time of your life - stuck here with us morons! (2004 Christmas Special- "Merry Christmas" episode)

Geraldine: (Geraldine giving her Christmas sermon while heavily drunk) On this day, many many years ago, a child was born. And his name was ummm... his name was... gosh, I know this... it's in that book. Ummm... (looks at Alice for answer).

Alice: (Whispers) Jesus.

Geraldine: Jeremy! No, that's not it.

Alice: (Whispers louder than before) Jesus.

Geraldine: Jesus - no that's not right either. Doesn't matter, what's in a name? Important thing is... he was a very, very nice guy... apparently. (laughs) Two important things to remember about him. ONE, he loved all of us and he had a nice fluffy beard , and three, two, one - THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!! (She collapses and falls off the pulpit. The congregation applauds.) (2004 Christmas Special- "Merry Christmas" episode)

Alice: I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.

Geraldine: I'm not sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test.

Alice: Oh, it's how we've always done it here in Dibley. You see, you get a hamster, and you wee on it, and if it turns blue you're pregnant.

Geraldine: Right.

Jim: [drunk, laughing] Knock, knock.

Geraldine: Who's there?

Jim: No, no, no, no! [laughing uncontrollably] No, wait! No, no! Doctor!

Geraldine: [laughing] Doctor who?

Jim: Yes!

Geraldine: And where was Jesus born?

Child: In Dunstable.

Geraldine: Who told you that?

Alice: My mum told me that Jesus was born in Dunstable.

Geraldine: In a stable!

Jim: Well I've been married 37 years and the secret of a successful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.

Hugo: Well, hooray.

Jim: With as many different women as possible.

Geraldine: Oh, God.

Jim: Especially orientals cos they can go on...

Geraldine: Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?

Frank: Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.

Geraldine: Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.

Owen: That happened to my cousin Sally.

Geraldine: No it didn't, Owen.

Owen: Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.

Jim: Except me.

Frank: And me.

Owen: And me if I'm honest. (Winter)

Owen: I'd just like to say. I'll be slaughtering Daisy here tomorrow, so do order your Christmas beef after the show. (Winter)

Jim: That is life. Full of confusion. I found this gorgeous girl in Thailand. We snogged, well we more than snogged. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We got married on a pineapple strewn beach. On the first night of the honeymoon she takes off all her clothes and it turns out she's a bloke called Duane. (Spring)

(Radio Dibley):

Geraldine: I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.

David: Vicar, is that you?

Geraldine: It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?

David: You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.

Geraldine: David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on -

David: I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.

Geraldine: David.

David: And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel - Talk to you later.

Geraldine: Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorrhoids?

David: Well... They're terrible if you must know.

Geraldine: Aw. Really painful? Very embarrassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?

David: ... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.

Geraldine: Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call in. Anything else you'd like to add?

David: [silence] ... [fake Middle Eastern accent] And this is Rory Bremner now using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Hahaha.

Owne: Zombies? He's got nerve.

Jim: No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.

Frank: Nor me.

Owen: Bloody Bremner.

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Dibley Christmas Carol Suggestions

Geraldine: Right, Owen, you said you'd delight and surprise us.

Owen: Yes, I'm not so sure about the delight bit any longer.

Geraldine: ... right, well fire away.

Owen:

            Jesus was born on Christmas day
            Halleluia, halleluia
            But he never got his end away
            Halleluia

Geraldine: Next!

Geraldine: So Frank, how many verses?

Frank: 108. It's quite a controversial thesis and it took a little bit of time to formulate my... peroration.

Geraldine: Right, well, would you forgive us if we didn't hear all of the verses?

Frank: I could drop 1 or 2 in the middle.

Geraldine: Fire away!

Frank:

             Praise the lord
             But hold on to your hat
             Jesus Christ was born a cat

Geraldine: You say it.

Alice: Next.

Frank: (walks away mumbling sadly)

Geraldine: Can I just say, before you start, that all my hopes for this competition - indeed, all my hopes that after 10 years there is one shred of talent or sanity in this village are resting entirely upon you?

Jim: No... No-no, no-no, no worries. I was trying to work out which bit of the nativity story was never done.

Geraldine: Good.

Jim: Then I realised... the actual birth.

Geraldine: Bad. And so it goes?

Jim:

           Praise the lord, he's coming down the birth canal
           Here he comes, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
           Look, the madonna's fully dilated
           She shall not need an epiosiotomy

Geraldine: (Bangs head down on the table extreme force)

Alice: I rather like that.

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