The Three Stooges is a 2012 slapstick comedy film based on the early to mid-20th century shorts by the comedic trio The Three Stooges. The movie was produced, written and directed by the Farrelly brothers and co-written by Mike Cerrone, and stars Chris Diamantopoulus, Sean Hayes, and Will Sasso, recreating the eponymous chracters played by Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard. The film's story places the Stooges in a modern setting.
- Moe: He's got a headache.
- Larry: No I don't.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head with a hammer]
- Moe: How about now?
- Larry: [holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.
- Moe: Mind your p's and q's.
- Curly: Don't forget to dot the eyes.
- Moe: Certainly.
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
- Larry: What's it gonna take to save this place?
- Monsignor Ratliffe: A lot of this. [rubs fingers together]
- Larry: Oh! Well, that's do able. How many boogers are we taking about?
- Monsignor Ratliffe: No booders! Dollars you morons!
- Teddy: Do you guys use facebook? I'll poke you.
- Moe: Hiya, Snook. I got you a present.
- Snooki: Really? For me?
- Moe: Yeah. Go on, open it.
[Snooki opens the box, Moe pokes her in the eyes]
- Snooki: Ow!
- Lydia: Those 3 idiots are here!
- Mac: The Kardashian girls? Where are they?
- Head Nurse: Can't you read? Visiting hours are over.
- Curly: Even for family?
- Head Nurse: Are you family?
- Curly: Soitainly.
- Head Nurse: Oh yeah? What's your relation?
- Curly: His mother and my mother were both mothers.
- Head Nurse: You heard me. No more visitors.
- Moe: What is that gadget?
- Teddy: This is an iPhone.
- Curly: An iPhone?
[Curly takes the phone and holds it up to his eye]
- Curly: Hello? Hello?
[Curly hands the phone back]
- Curly: There's nobody there.
- Teddy: Works better on your ear.
- Curly: Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.
- Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride!
- Curly: Hmm-mmph!
- Moe: Back off.
- Curly: I won't.
- Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man workin' machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks!
- Moe: That's right! No job is too small! We'll press your pants! We'll shine your shoes.
- Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. [chuckles before Moe smacks him upside the head]
- Moe: What's a matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print!
- Larry: Hey, what's the big idea? [gets backhanded by Moe]
- Moe: Shut up! Now smarten up you two. Have you forgotten?
- Murph: Who won the poker game last night?
- Moe: Eh, Peezer cleaned us out.
- Murph: Peezer? But he's 7.
- Larry: Yeah, but he wears those dark sunglasses. You can't tell what he's thinking.
- Young Moe: Anesthetic!
- Young Larry: Anesthetic!
- Young Curly: Anesthetic!
- Young Moe: Give her 15 milligrams of anesthetic.
- Young Curly: Right.
[counts off on a croquet mallet]
- Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen!
[conks Sister Mary Mengele out]
- Moe: [points at Snooki's Guiness beer hat] Just 'cause she's wearing a "Genius" hat doesn't mean she is one.
- Larry: Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
- Curly: Oh boy, donuts. Where's mine?
- Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?
- Curly: Okay.
[chatters as Moe shoves donuts up his ears]
- Curly: Now look what you did, Moe. You got donuts stuck in my ears!
- Larry: Hey, you're in luck. You got a donut remover right here.
- Moe: What's a donut remover?
- Larry: It's one of these.
[reads the tag on the bell ironically]
- Larry: Doh-nut Remove-uh.
- Moe: What the odds of that.
- Larry: [the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh, is that Sister Mary-Mengele?
- Curly: I don't know, but the face rings a bell.
- Moe: Remind me to gouge out your eyeballs later.
- Chris Diamantopoulos as Moe
- Skyler Gisondo as young Moe
- Sean Hayes as Larry
- Lance Chantiles-Wertz as young Larry
- Will Sasso as Curly
- Robert Capron as young Curly
- Jane Lynch as Mother Superior
- Larry David as Sister Mary-Mengele
- Brian Doyle-Murray as Monsignor Ratliffe
- Sofía Vergara as Lydia
- Jennifer Hudson as Sister Rosemary
- Lin Shaye as Nursery Nurse
- Caitlin Colford as Nun
- Stephen Collins as Mr. Harter
- Carly Craig as Mrs. Harter
- Craig Bierko as Mac
- Kirby Heyborne as Teddy
- Isaih Mustafa as Moe's Hip Executive
- Dwight Howard as Himself
- Kate Upton as Sister Bernice
- Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi as Herself
- Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino as Himself
- Jennifer "JWoww" Farley as Herself
- Ronnie Ortiz-Magro as Himself
- Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio as Himself
- Samantha "Sweetheart" Giancola as Herself
- Justin Lopez as Peter
- Antonio Sabàto, Jr. as Bobby