Last modified on 20 December 2014, at 16:48

The Simpsons/Season 4

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The Simpsons Season 4

Kamp KrustyEdit

Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Announcer: Seventeen.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Thirty-two.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Five.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Eight.
Homer: Whoo-hoo!
Announcer: Forty-seven.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

A Streetcar Named MargeEdit

Llewelyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks! That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Marge: [aside] Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
Sinclair: Quiet!
Wiggum: Sorry.

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Homer the HereticEdit

[God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]
Homer: God ...?
God: [points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken my church!
Homer: Well, kind of, but –
God: But what?
Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
God: Hmm, you have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?
Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.
God: Oh, yeah.
Homer: You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.
God: I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.
Homer: Give him one for me.
God: I will.
Homer: So I figure I should just try to live right and worship you in my own way.
God: Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]
Homer: The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.
Homer: I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.
Marge: Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Lisa the Beauty QueenEdit

Lisa: [despondent] I'm an ugmo!
Homer: Now, that's not true! You're as cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff. [Grampa walks by]
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt! [walks off]
Homer: There, see?

Kent Brockman: But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."
[Homer and Lisa watch at home.]
Homer: If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Homer: Really?
Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa: It's a deal.

Treehouse of Horror IIIEdit

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.
Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: [after seeing Barney Gumble gnawing on an arm] Barney! Not you too!
Barney: I'm not a zombie. But hey, when in Rome... [sees George Washington's zombie] Wow! George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington! [Shoots him, then sees Einstein's zombie, and shoots it too.] Eat lead, Einstein! [Sees Shakespeare's zombie] Show's over, Shakesphere! [hits him with the stomach with the edge of his gun]
Shakesphere: Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare? [dies]

Itchy & Scratchy: The MovieEdit

Marge: Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
Bart: Not bloody likely.
Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?
Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Marge Gets a JobEdit

Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]
Smithers: But sir, that's my office.
Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
Homer: [bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...
Smithers: NOOOOO!

Marge: So do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [he takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....

New Kid on the BlockEdit

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
[On the other end of the line.]
Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
Marge: [crying] We went fishing!

Mr. PlowEdit

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.
Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.
Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Kent Brockman: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.
Arnie Pye: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!
Kent Brockman: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.
Pye: [now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]
Brockman: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie.

Lisa's First WordEdit

Homer: Dad, I don't need advice! I need $15,000 to buy a home.
Abe: Oh. Well, all I have is this house, that I built with my own two hands!
Homer: You didn't build this house, you won it on a crooked '50s game show.
Abe: I ratted on everybody and got off scot free! [he and Homer laugh and slap fists] Alright son, I'll sell this dump and write you a check.
Homer: [heartfelt] Dad, first you gave me life. Now you've given me a home for my family. I'd be honoured if you came to live with us.
Abe: Thank you. [father and son hug]
[Back in the present day]
Bart: So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks' home?
Homer: About three weeks. [all the family laugh]

[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]
Krusty: Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
Company Agent: Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.
Krusty: [satisfied] I like, I like!
Aide: This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]
Krusty: [reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?
Company Agent: Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. [Krusty sobs]

TV Announcer: Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.
Krusty: [furious] You people are pigs!! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!
Homer: [surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.

Homer's Triple BypassEdit

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: [shrugs] Meh.

Krusty: Hey hey! [goofy laugh]
[Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.]
Krusty: Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearence!
Homer: Krusty, why are you here?
Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."
Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.
Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [Lights a cigarette.]
Homer: You seem pretty healthy.
Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Marge vs. the MonorailEdit

Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle: What's it called?
Patty and Selma: Monorail.
Lyle: That's right, monorail! (the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)
Ms. Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Abe Simpson: Were you sent here by the Devil?
Lyle: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Everybody: Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
Everybody: Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

Marge: How fast are they going?
Homer: Eeeeeyaaaaaaai!! [yelling as monorail whizzes by platform]
Cobb: [looking at watch] Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour.

Selma's ChoiceEdit

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
Lisa: We understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting.
Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Patty: I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: "Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman!"
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge: Homer, that's very rude of you.
Homer: What-? D'oh!


Brother from the Same PlanetEdit

Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Homer: Oh, he is.
[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]
Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.
Bart: [picks up his grapefruit and hits Homer's face with it] Shut up!
[Back in reality.]
Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, we could use some names. "I.P Freely"-- [realizes] Uh... grrr!

I Love LisaEdit

[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]
Lisa: A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
Bart: That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!
Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to--
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]
Homer: Is there a problem, officer?
Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Homer: Where?
Wiggum: [smashes a tail-light] Right there.
Homer: [angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
Wiggum: [alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?

DufflessEdit

[At the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]
Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.
Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.
Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you'll never touch a beer again.
[Homer screams and jumps through the window.]

[Watching Ralph's "alcohol fueled car" science fair display.]
Homer: Hmm, alcohol fueled car....
[Within a daydream, Homer is fueling an alcohol fueled car at a gas station.]
Homer: One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me. [pumps fuel into his mouth] One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me. [pumps fuel into his mouth]

Last Exit to SpringfieldEdit

[Mr. Burns is taking Homer on a tour of his mansion.]
Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they will have written the greatest novel known to man. [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! [strikes the monkey, which screeches] Oh, shut up.

Brockman: Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike. Argle-bargle or fooforaw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk-show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Joyce Brothers: I brought my own mic.
Brockman: Yes. Well, Homer, organised labor has been called a "lumbering dinosaur".
Homer: AHH!!
Brockman: Uh... My director's telling me not to talk to you anymore.
Homer: WOO-HOO!!!
Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you want an opening tirade?
Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city! NO-ONE WILL BE SPARED!!! NO-ONE!!!!
Brockman: Heh-heh. A chilling vision of things to come.


So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip ShowEdit

[Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
Bart: April F- [an explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud]
[Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Bart: Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.
[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]
Homer: Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

The FrontEdit

Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Oh, my God!
Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer?
Homer Simpson: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
Bobby: And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Bobby: And First Whose new travel a least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
Principal Dondelinger: Ahem. Class of 74' I was just Uh... Leafing for your permanent records... that I discovered something a champion.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Eh, sort of.
Bart: Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Barts leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

Whacking DayEdit

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for mountain bikes.]
Nelson: Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
Principal Skinner: [appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]
Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?
Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?
Principal Skinner: [outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?
Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.
Principal Skinner: Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]
Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?
Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.
Lisa: Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?
Mrs. Glick: Snake did.
Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?
Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

Marge in ChainsEdit

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
Hutz: I love you too, man.

Krusty Gets KancelledEdit

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience]
Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.
Bart: No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there!
Moe: What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?
Homer: Hey, Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost you.
Homer: My wallet's in the car!
Moe: [chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!