Llewelyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks! That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Marge: [aside] Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.
Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Homer: [after seeing Barney Gumble gnawing on an arm] Barney! Not you too!
Barney: I'm not a zombie. But hey, when in Rome... [sees George Washington's zombie] Wow! George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington! [Shoots him, then sees Einstein's zombie, and shoots it too.] Eat lead, Einstein! [Sees Shakespeare's zombie] Show's over, Shakesphere! [hits him with the stomach with the edge of his gun]
Shakesphere: Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare? [dies]
Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?
Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.
Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]
Smithers: But sir, that's my office.
Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
Homer: [bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...
Marge: So do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [he takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....
Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle: What's it called?
Patty and Selma: Monorail.
Lyle: That's right, monorail! (the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)
Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, we could use some names. "I.P Freely"-- [realizes] Uh... grrr!
[Mr. Burns is taking Homer on a tour of his mansion.]
Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they will have written the greatest novel known to man. [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! [strikes the monkey, which screeches] Oh, shut up.
Brockman: Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike. Argle-bargle or fooforaw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk-show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Joyce Brothers: I brought my own mic.
Brockman: Yes. Well, Homer, organised labor has been called a "lumbering dinosaur".
Brockman: Uh... My director's telling me not to talk to you anymore.
Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you want an opening tirade?
Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city! NO-ONE WILL BE SPARED!!!NO-ONE!!!!
Brockman: Heh-heh. A chilling vision of things to come.
Bart: Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Barts leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."
Lionel Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.