The Simpsons/Season 2

      Wikipedia
      Wikipedia has an article about:
      For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

      The Simpsons Season 2

      Bart Gets an F

      Otto: Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!
      Bart: Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
      Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
      Bart: [to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street.
      [Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]
      Terri: Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!
      Sherri: And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.
      Terri: He's pathetic!
      Bart: Good morning, girls!
      Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.
      Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
      Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
      Bart: And where'd they land?
      Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
      Bart: And why'd they leave England?
      Sherri: Giant rats.
      Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!
      [The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]
      Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.
      Bart: Meaning....
      Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.
      Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...
      Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
      Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

      Simpson and Delilah

      [Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]
      Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!
      Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However... [pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker] I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.
      Homer: A thousand dollars. Of all the lousy, ripped off, gip-joint-[begins sobbing] Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing. [leaves sobbing]
      [Later at work.]
      Homer: So I say [toughly] "Forget you, pal! Thanks fer nuthin'!" and I stormed right outta there.
      Lenny: Ha-ha! That's tellin' 'im, Homer!
      Homer: [dunks fishsticks in an empty dipping sauce cup] D'oh! Outta tartar sauce! They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny, are you gonna finish all of your tartar sauce? [Lenny pulls his tray away from Homer] Dry fish sticks; this sucks!
      Carl: Quit complaining, Chrome Dome.
      Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be callin' me that!
      [Mr.Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.]
      Mr.Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
      Smithers: Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
      Mr.Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter?
      [He points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair.]
      Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.
      Mr.Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!

      Treehouse of Horror

      Narrator: Quoth the raven-
      Bart: Eat my shorts!
      Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
      Bart: Okay, okay.
      [Homer is getting more and more angry at The Raven/Bart.]
      Homer: "Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!"
      Narrator: I shrieked, upstarting --
      Homer: "Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hasspoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
      Narrator: Quoth the Raven
      Bart/Raven: "Nevermore."
      Homer: [trying to stay calm] "Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
      Narrator: Quoth the Raven
      Bart/Raven: "Nevermore."
      Homer: Why you little...!
      Bart/Raven: Uh-oh!

      Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

      [As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, journalist Dave Shutton approaches them.]
      Dave Shutton: So, caught anything?
      Lisa: Not yet, sir.
      Dave Shutton: What are you using for bait?
      Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
      Dave Shutton: I see. What's your name, son?
      Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the heck are you?
      Dave Shutton: (chuckling) I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!
      Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.
      Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
      Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

      Dancin' Homer

      Barney: So Homer, what happened in Capital City?
      Homer: Oh Barney
      Moe: C'mon Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
      Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse that being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.
      Bart: Hey, Dad, look! You're on Gumbo Vision!
      Homer: WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs']
      [Gumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper.]
      Marge: Homer. Homer! XYZ.
      Homer: Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!

      Dead Putting Society

      Homer: All right, knock it off!
      Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?
      Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
      Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
      Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!
      Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes: I believe in you.
      Bart: Thanks, man.

      Bart vs. Thanksgiving

      [Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]
      Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
      Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!
      Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow & Bart off herself] This is family glue!
      Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!
      Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
      Bart: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
      Lisa: [hands Bart glue] Here.
      Bart: Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike, Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue]
      Lisa: Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?
      Bart: Oh, come on.
      Lisa: Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?
      Bart: I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!
      Lisa: Just tell me you're sorry!
      Bart: Why should I?!
      Lisa: Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.
      Bart: Leave me alone.
      Lisa: Just look!
      Bart: Ok, ok. Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr....uh oh. [[puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.
      Lisa: Apology accepted. [She kisses his cheek]
      [Camera pans down at Homer who's in the bathroom listening]
      Homer: You know Marge, we're great parents.

      Bart the Daredevil

      Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would ever find it.
      Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
      Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
      Bart: What?
      Otto: Cool!!
      [Bart and Milhouse are at the Simpson house watching tv.]
      Milhouse: Hey, that's my seat.
      Bart: Correction, was your seat.
      [Cut to Moe's Tavern]
      Barney: But I only got up to go the the can!
      Homer: Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

      Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

      [Marge is writing a letter to the producers of Itchy and Scratchy.]
      Marge: Dear purveyors of senseless violence, I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
      Roger Meyers, Jr.: [in response to Marge's letter] Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
      Marge: [reading the letter out loud] And the horse I rode in on? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

      Bart Gets Hit by a Car

      Homer: He's awake!
      Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
      Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. [to Lionel Hutz] You, I've never seen before.
      Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.
      Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
      Homer: Ooh, classy.
      Blue Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion on Dr. Riviera? And let me remind you that you're under oath!
      Marge: [On Dr. Riviera] Well to be honest, he seemed to be more concerned in wrapping Bart in bandages than making him feel better. And he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that he's even a doctor.
      Homer: [betrayed by Marge's testimony] D'oh!
      Blue Haired Lawyer: And Mrs. Simpson can you describe to us in your own words, Bart's intense mental anguish and suffering.
      [Bart smiles, but Marge continues telling the truth]
      Marge: Well, I don't know how intense it was, but I guess he missed three days of school. Alhough he doesn't like school all that much, so that doesn't count as anguish. But it was a little hard on me having him around the house all the time.
      [Bart frowns at Marge, also feels betrayed by her for testifying against both Hutz and Homer.]
      Blue Haired Lawyer: Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships.
      Marge: Well, we pay Bart $5 a week to take out the trash. I suppose if he been able to do it, we might have given him the $5.
      Blue Haired Lawyer: $5?! But your lawyer, assuming he is a lawyer, is asking for a million. Well I guess we can't blame him for trying, can we. Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.
      [Homer and Hutz are downbeat, while Mr. Burns chuckles in delight after hearing that Marge's honest testimony has destroyed their feeble attempt.]
      Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
      Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
      Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
      Homer: [Cringes] No. No. The truth.
      Blue Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, does name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?
      Marge: Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to tempitigo all with competence, love and care.
      Blue Haired Lawyer: But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him.
      [Marge becomes nervous and hesitant.]
      Blue Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson!
      Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
      Homer: Will that hold up?
      Hutz: [glumly] No, I tried that before.
      [At the Simpson's house, a downbeat Homer blames Marge for testifying against Hutz and costing him a million dollars.]
      Homer's Brain: A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
      Marge: Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
      Homer's Brain: Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.
      Homer: No, thank you.
      Marge: Some string beans?
      Homer's Brain: No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing—Uh-oh. Better answer.
      Homer: No, thank you.
      Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
      Homer's Brain: Just mouth polite nothings.
      Homer: No, thank you.

      One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

      Master Chef: (hearing car horn) Ah, she's here. (to Toshiro) Cover for me.
      (He leaves just as Akira enters)
      Akira: One Fugu.
      Toshiro: (gasps) No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's... it's...
      Akira: Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal. But if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
      Toshiro: Uh... I must get Master.
      (Toshiro heads out to the parking lot, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside)
      Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair smells so... clean...
      Toshiro: Master, you are needed in the kitchen.
      Master Chef: (angrily) I said cover for me, damn it!
      Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!
      Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy! You do it!
      Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
      Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!
      Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.
      Homer: [furiously] Why you little... ! [shouts madly]
      Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
      Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!
      Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
      Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
      Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
      Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
      Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

      The Way We Was

      [Principal Dondalinger catches Simpson and Gumble smoking in the bathroom.]
      Dondalinger: Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble, Springfield's answer to "Cheech and Chong." Allow me, gentlemen. [grabs their cigarettes and tosses them in the toilet] You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when.
      Homer and Barney: [in unison] Three o'clock, old building, room 106.
      Young Homer: Marge I have a problem. When you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I'll never be able to let you go.
      Present-day Homer: And I never have.

      Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

      [Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]
      Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
      Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!
      Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?
      Bart: Hell.
      Homer: BART!
      Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?
      Homer: Kid's got a point, Marge.
      Bart: Hell yes!
      Marge: Bart.
      Bart: [sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
      Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

      Principal Charming

      Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
      Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
      Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
      Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
      [Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.]
      Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
      Moe: Homer who?
      Bart: Homer… [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] …Sexual.
      Moe: Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
      [The entire bar, including Homer laughs at Moe.]
      Homer: Don't look at me!
      Moe: Oh... you rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!
      Patty: [Berating Homer] You bozo, I'm Patty.
      Homer: What?!
      [Skinner is immediately smitten with Patty and Homer realises his mistake.]

      Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

      Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
      Homer: What is it, Dad?
      Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.
      Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
      [The family says farewell to Herb.]
      Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
      Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?!! Why, you sponge head! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!!!
      [Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.]
      Marge: [consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
      Lisa: His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

      Bart's Dog Gets an F

      Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
      Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
      Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
      Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
      Mrs. Winthrop: [very sweetly] Most of you know that with a little love and compassion, any puppy can grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. [suddenly angry] STUFF AND NONSENSE taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life - "choke chain!" [She puts the chain around Santa's Little Helper's neck.] You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands. LAY DOWN! [Santa's Little Helper doesn't respond] Followed by immediate correction! [She tugs the chain. Santa's Little Helper yelps and collapses on the ground.]
      Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
      Mrs. Winthrop: The dog's eyes will bulge and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.
      Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
      Mrs. Winthrop: [laughing] You don't know how often I'm asked that! "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.

      Old Money

      Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.
      Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?
      Bart: Well...
      Homer: Aaah!

      [At Bea's funeral]

      Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am dad.
      Grandpa: [sarcastically] Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything!
      Homer: Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing!
      Grandpa: [Angily] No you idiot! I'm ignoring you! You made me miss the last precious moment of Bea's life! I'll never speak to you again! [tears of his coat in anger and saddness] I HAVE NO SON!!! [Homer is saddened by this]
      Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

      Brush with Greatness

      Mr. Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
      Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
      Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
      [Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea.]
      Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
      Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.
      [Somewhere in Liverpool.]
      Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favorite color is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
      Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
      Ringo: Just set it over there.
      Weatherby: Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
      Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!

      Lisa's Substitute

      Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
      Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
      Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad--
      Lisa: Not mine.
      Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish--
      Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.
      Homer: What are you moping about?!
      Lisa: Nothing.
      Marge: Lisa, tell your father.
      Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left.
      Homer: [uninterested] Oh?
      Lisa: He's gone...forever.
      Homer: And...?
      Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.
      Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

      The War of the Simpsons

      [Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]
      Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
      Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
      Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

      (Homer is explaining to Bart in his room about his drunken behavior)

      Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
      Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
      Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
      Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

      (after the party, as Marge is prying a drunk Homer off the floor)

      Marge (angrily): I have never been so embarrassed in all my life!
      Homer (half-drunkenly): Why, what'd ya do?

      Three Men and a Comic Book

      Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. [opens a metal suitcase] Behold!
      Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!
      Comic Book Guy: None other!
      Bart: It must be worth a million bucks...
      Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.
      Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
      Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
      Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
      Bart: Me? [Daniel Stern's voice, à la The Wonder Years] Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
      Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
      Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we ever–
      Homer: Bart! Stop it!
      Bart: Sorry. ["To everything, turn..."]

      (Homer comes home to find Bart selling beer to raise money for the rare Radioactive Man comic)

      Bart: Wuh-oh.
      Homer: Hey, what's all the – aagh! My beer! My beer! My beautiful beer!
      Bart: [grumbles] Moon pies my butt, somebody oughtta moon pie her.
      Homer: What's the problem, boy?
      Bart: I've been bustin my hump all week for that withered old clam and all I got was 50 cents.
      Homer: Hey, when I was your age 50 cents was a lot of money.
      Bart: Really?
      Homer: Nah.
      Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ughh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.
      Homer: [sits up, pats Bart's head] Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
      Bart: [as he stares at the Radioactive Man comic in the store window] Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.

      Blood Feud

      Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
      [sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."]
      Crowd: Ooh. [applause]
      [sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."]
      Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
      [sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."]
      Crowd: [scattered applause]
      [sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."]
      Crowd: [stunned silence]
      Homer: [snickers] Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!
      [After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]
      Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
      Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
      Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
      Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
      Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
      Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
      Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
      Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
      Homer: Amen to that!
      [The family laughs]

      This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).

      Last modified on 4 May 2013, at 16:26