Last modified on 10 December 2014, at 11:00

The Simpsons/Season 10

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The Simpsons Season 10

Lard of the DanceEdit

Ralph: And the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy, and that's why it was the best summer ever!
Ms. Hoover: Thank you Ralph. Now take your seat. [Ralph exits the classroom]
Nelson: [offscreen] Hey Blindy, have a nice trip!
Ralph: Aah!
Nelson: Ha-ha!

Homer: Used grease is worth money? Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold!

Homer: Marge, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of used grease?
Homer: (mockingly) No, through savings and wise investments! Of course with grease.

Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!
Lisa: Did she just tell me to "shut up?"
Skinner: Take it outside.

(Bart and Homer are escaping from Groundskeeper Willie through the air ducts. Willie grabs Homer by the ankle.)
Willie: Not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. (Raises his fists.) But, the lads have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!
(Willie starts punching Homer with hard blows while Homer is screaming in pain.)
Homer: Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!
Willie: (Willie stops briefly.) Okay, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while! (Willie strangles Homer with his hose, and one of Homer's eyes bulges out of its socket.)

Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.

Homer: Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done, including my muscle for hire business.
Marge: Oh, poor Homey. Couldn't you try some other far-out, moneymaking scheme?

Homer: Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our head in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women change clothes and all that, but if you help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
Bart: Dad, He's not stupid.
Homer: Alright, screw it. Let's roll! (floors it)

Bart: When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger!
Homer: I'll say! Look at that red-headed kid. There must be $40 worth of grease on his forehead alone.
Bart: Uh, I was thinking more of the deep frier.
Homer: Whatever, we'll try it your way.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Can I help you, sir?
Homer: My God, you're greasy...
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Mr Maruka, help!

[Nelson, Ralph, Wendel, Louis, and Database sitting at a bench at lunchtime]

Nelson: You see, the thing about huckleberries is: once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.
[Skinner walks up to the bench]
Neslon: Uh, uh, so anyway, I kicked the guys ass!
[Skinner nods and walks off]
Nelson: (quietly) Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner sugar.
[All murmur in interest]

The Wizard of Evergreen TerraceEdit


Marge:I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.



Homer: Now, here's my "Everything's Ok Alarm." (picks up a device that looks like a smoke detector and presses a button. It starts beeping loudly.)
Homer: [yelling] THIS WILL SOUND EVERY 3 SECONDS, UNLESS SOMETHING ISN'T OKAY!
Marge: Turn it off, Homer!
Homer: IT CAN'T BE TURNED OFF! (The beeping starts weakening, then stops completely.) But, it, er, does break easily.

(after Homer shoots Marge with the make-up gun)
Marge: Homer, you got it set on "Whore."

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.

Kent Brockman:In other news, Thomas Edison-the greatest inventor of all time-is apparently still inventing despite the notable handicap of being dead!
Homer: That's my Tommy!

Bart the MotherEdit

(at an arcade)

Nelson: What can I get for 8,000 tickets?
Clerk: Uh, a BB gun or an Easy Bake Oven.
Nelson: Hmmm...Hot food is tempting, but I just can't say no to a weapon.

Homer: [At the top of his voice] MILHOUSE!!!
Milhouse: What?
Homer: TELL BART TO COME HOME!!!
Milhouse: I think he's at Nelson's!
Homer: WHO'S NELSON?!!

(after Marge sees the bird Bart shot)

Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?
Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.
Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!
Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.
Marge (sighs dejectedly): Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! (gets in her stationwagon and drives off)

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs, Eww! and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory.

Principal Skinner: It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodcock, and the Titpecker.

Bart: [to Marge] Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them and I love them. I know that's hard to understand.
Marge: Mmmm. Not as hard as you think.

Homer: This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon.
Lisa: That didn't happen, Dad.
Homer: Sure it didn't.

Mayor Quimby: [to Bart] For decimating our pigeon population and for making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.

Treehouse of Horror IXEdit

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! (starts crying) Was he better than me?

[On the Jerry Springer Show, after Kang brings out flowers for Marge and kisses her hand. Homer begins wailing on him]
Homer: You, one-eyed, two-timing (bleep, bleep)! I'm gonna (bleep)!
Kang: Oh yeah?! Well (bleep) you, hyperbolic parabaloid! (bleep) yo mama!

Jerry Springer: And now for my final thought; nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of their child. (everyone onstage looks ashamed) Let's hope they put their differences aside, and do what's best for Maggie. [Maggie lunges at Springer] What the (bleep)?! Get this (bleep) baby off! [she bites him] (bleep) Son of a (bleep)!
[Kang and Homer try to pull Maggie off, but end up fighting again]
Marge: [with her head in her hands] I'm so (bleep) embarassed.

Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Lisa: And now he's dead.
Kang: Any-hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
Kodos: Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
Marge: [not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
Kodos: [darkly] Just watch us.
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
Bart: Don't forget Ken Starr!

Bart: [After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!
Lisa: [Holding the Remote Control] Bart, quit it!

Scratchy:[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?
Itchy: [to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
Scratchy: [Reattaches his head to his body] That's mean.
Itchy: Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]

(on The Jerry Springer Show)

Audience Member: I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
Jerry Springer: Homer?
Audience Member: Nah, the green dude.

When You Dish Upon a StarEdit

Lisa:(speaking to Homer) You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No that would make me a great father.

Man: Sir you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

Homer:(while parasailing) Ooh, I'm soaring like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

Homer: When was the last time Barbra Streisand ever did the laundry for you? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?! I'll tell you where! Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger!!!

Ron Howard: [pitching a movie] And it builds to a powerful emotional climax, where the father has to decide which of his children will live....and which one...will die.
Executive: Pass. What else have you got?
Ron Howard: Well, there's one about a killer robot driving instructor, who travels back in time for some reason.
Executive: I'm listening.
Ron Howard: And this robot- He's got a challenging decision to make about whether his best friend lives....or dies.
Executive: Ehh.
Ron Howard: His best friend's a talking pie.
Executive: Sold! Howard, you've done it again!

D'oh-in in the WindEdit

Abe:[grabbing Homer's arm] Shame on you boy! Put some damn pants on then pull'em down! Cause it's time for a spankin!

Homer Simpson: Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!
[Kids cheer and burst out of the school]
Principal Skinner: 15 years of loyal service and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?

Young Homer on mural: How could you let me turn into you?
Homer: But-but-but the poncho--
Young Homer: "But-but-but the poncho!" Hit the road, square.

Marge: Doctor, will he be all right?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes, he was lucky. If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.
Bart: Why don't you just pull it out?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Homer: Couldn't you prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?
Dr. Hibbert: What did I just say?

Lisa Gets an "A"Edit

Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.
(Ralph is sitting at their newly installed computer, engrossed in an educational spelling program)
Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! (he types "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer) I'm learn-ding.
Lisa: Aw, way to go, Ralph.

(Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom)

Lisa: Hey, I can't go in there!
Bart: Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

(Bart and Lisa knock on a closed stall door in the boys' bathroom)

Nelson: Hang on I'll buzz you in. [short pause] Buzz.

Homer Hurry up my arms are getting cold.

(Lisa sneezes inside the freezer Marge arrives)

Marge Oh my goodness! Homer get her out of there!"
Homer Aw!(Pulls Lisa out of the freezer shivering holding an ice cream can)
Homer (Picks the ice cream can from Lisa) Sherbert Hoover. (throws it back on the freezer)

Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"Edit

Homer: If I die in the operation, will ya do one thing for me.
Marge: Oooh, anything sweetheart.
Homer: (serious tone) Blow up the hospital.

(after hearing Homer's story of how he ran away from his dying father after promising him one of his kidneys)
Concertina Player: (in a French accent): I stole this accordian from a blind monkey, but you (spits): You disgust even me!

(After being tossed off of the Ship of Lost Souls, AKA Honeybunch, watching it sail away into the fog)
Homer: That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth!

Homer:I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Mayored to the MobEdit

Mayor Quimby:Oh God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

Moe: (after giving a bribery to Mayor, and from this start walking some cockroaches) We're working on that 'roach situation, I swear to God!
Mayor: (pauses briefly, then takes the money) Well, you should see the hospital.

Mayor Quimby: Luke, do something! Use your Lightsaber!
Mark Hamill: What, and break it!? You know George Lucas made me pay for these.

Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?
Female Comic Book Fan: Comb the SweetTarts out of your beard, and you're on.
Comic Book Guy: Don't try to change me, babe.

Frank Nelson Type: YEEEEEESSSSSS?
Homer: Do you have a table for the mayor?
Frank Nelson Type: YEEEEEESSSSS!
Homer: Why do you talk like that?
Frank Nelson Type: I had a strrroooke!

Homer Simpson: [to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?
Bart Simpson: We just wanna get a snack.
Homer Simpson: Access denied.
Bart: But, Dad ... [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the floor, unconscious]
Marge: Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.
Homer: They'll be fine in half an hour.

Homer: Oh My God, I killed the Mayor! Alright, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend At Bernie's.

Bart: If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting madder and madder.
Homer: I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.
Marge: You're guarding the mayor tonight, after Fat Tony swore revenge?
Homer: It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? There's nothing to worry about.
Bart: Well, then you start it.
Homer: Alright, fine, I'll take a cab.

[As Homer fights for his life against one of Fat Tony's men]
Mark Hamill: Homer, use the-!
Homer: The Force?
Mark Hamill: The forks! Use the forks!

[Homer attending a Leavelle's body guard school]
Leavelle: Your loyalty is to your protectee. Not to you country. Not to your family. [turns to Homer] Not even to Moo-Hammid.
Homer: Even during Ramadan?
Leavelle: Shut your sass-hole boy.

Homer: Milking rats! THEY'RE MILKING RATS!
Mayor Quimby: (to Fat Tony) Rats?! You promised me dog or higher!

Viva Ned FlandersEdit

Casino worker:Someone dishonoring their marriage vows!? Not in Las Vegas.

Homer: Slave girl! Oh, slave girl!
Waitress: More libations, my imperial conqueror?

Ned: Goshdarn it! Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? [sighs] I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life!
[a car stops besides Ned with Abe, Jasper and three attractive women]
Grampa: Hey there!
Ned: Look at that! Everyone's living it up except Ned. [car pulls away out of earshot]
Grampa: Help! We're being carjacked!
Woman: Don't get clever, old man. [cocks a revolver] Now take us to Dress Barn.

Ned: So what about all this meat?
Homer: Ah, the missus will clean that up.
Marge: Now it's Marge's time to shine!

Dr. Gonzo: That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas.
Raoul Duke: Auh, too many kids.

[While Homer and Ned try to flee]
Homer: [screams] The Moody Blues!
Graeme Edge: "Cold hearted Homer ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life"
Justin Hayward: "Chips of blue, and red, and white, but we decide..."
John Lodge: Oh can the poems, it's ass-whopping time!
Ray Thomas: [draws a switchblade] I want fatty! [Homer screams]

[After running over somone in the dust cloud]

Lisa: Dad, you hit Don Rickles!
Don Rickles: [under the car] I'm okay, but some Puerto Rican guys are trying to steal your hubcaps. Just kidding, I'm a nice guy....

Wild Barts Can't Be BrokenEdit

Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me.
Bart: But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.
Marge: That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... (sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward) ...to the bitter end.

Chief Wiggum: So, You Enjoy this movie, Kids? Aah! Listen up punks. The moral of the story is, the adults always win! Waaarrgh! For crying out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me.
Eddie: Sorry, Chief.

Bart: Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?
[Dr. Hibbert looks around nervously]
Lisa: That's right...Homer Simpson!
Homer: D'oh!

Sunday, Cruddy SundayEdit

Krusty: "Legends of Comedy", my tuchis! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?

Moe: Bye weeks. Bronko Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks, and now he's dead! [pause] Well... maybe they're a good thing.

Chief Wiggum: All right, you guys have had way too much booze. [holds up some fresh bottles of Duff] Last call!
[The others clamour for the beer, getting overly rowdy]
Chief Wiggum: [aims a pistol at them] Come on! Give me an excuse!

[After Homer, Wally and their troupe charge through various hallways looking for the Superbowl (with "Song 2" playing in the background)]
Moe: Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour! Where the hell's the game?!
Homer: You guys are following me?! I was following Flanders!

Guard: Players and VIP's only!

Homer to the MaxEdit

[Homer sings to the tune of Goldfinger.]
Homer: Max Power
He's the man whose name you'd love to touch
But you musn't touch
His name sounds good in your ear
But when you say it, you musn't fear
'Cause his name can be said
By anyone--
[Mr. Burns walks in.]
Mr. Burns: Ah, Max Power! How's every little thing?
Homer: You remembered my name!
Mr. Burns: Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max!
Homer: Mr. Power.
Mr. Burns: Yes, Mr. Power.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.
Max (Homer): Nobody snuggles with Max Power - you strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]
Marge: Oh, Lord!
Max: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Max: Yeah, but faster. [Walks into a cactus] D'oh!
Lisa: We should really put that in the corner.

Max: Awww, this is the worst party ever.
Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

I'm With CupidEdit

[Homer is telling Lisa a bedtime story]

Homer: ...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley--
Lisa: That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!
Homer: Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.

Homer Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication.

Homer: Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers"Edit

Zookeeper: Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?
Bart: Why, NBC, of course.
Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
Wiggum: Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?
Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.
Marge: But there's only one way to find out...
(cut to the closing credits)
Homer (voice-over): I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... (sound of gun cocking)... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. (very softly) CBS great.
(sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Studios logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots. According to the audio commentary, George Meyer came up with the idea of shooting an already dead corpse a few times, he called them "safety shots")

Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Homer:I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!
Zookeeper: There's one rhino missing! If we don't find it, it'll be my ass on the barbie!
Homer: [as he and the kids run from stampeding rhinos] I'll take care of this! JUMANJI! [the rhinos keep charging] Does anything from the movies actually work!?

Lisa: Mom, Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult!

Make Room for LisaEdit

Homer: (turns on TV) Ooh, here's something you like. When Animals Attack Magicians.
Magician: Pick a card, any- (noise of animal attacking) Aaaaaagh!!!

(Homer laughs)

:Lisa: (concerned) That's awful.
Homer: Awful entertaining.
Lisa: Wow, I've been a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that?
[A sandwich appears on a black background]
Lisa: Yuck! That sandwich is full of meat. [As the meats rotate] There's bacon, Canadian bacon, Mexican bacon [drooling] and a mouth-watering veal chop.
[Two arms come from both sides of the screen, then grabs the sandwich. Lisa takes a bite]
Lisa: Oh, no, now I'm dad!
[background, from Homer's point of view, fades in. He's at a ballet]
Lisa (as Homer): Oh, and I'm at a stupid boring ballet.

Homer: Relax, Lisa! Meet your new comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson! (hums The Odd Couple Theme)
Bart: I'm gonna make your life a living hell.
Homer: (hums The Odd Couple theme and shoves Lisa in)

Homer: (while in the sensory deprivation chamber, to the tune of The Witch Doctor) ooh! eee! ooh ah ah! Ting, Tang! Walla walla bing bang! Ooh eee ooh ah ah! Walla ting tang bing bing boo!

Maximum HomerdriveEdit

Female Trucker: There goes the finest trucker who ever lived .
Homer: He called me "greenhorn." I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
Male Trucker: In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. But I guess this is one delivery old Red won't be making.
Homer: Oh, yes he will....and on time, too.
Marge: Oh no, Homer, no.
Homer: I got to, honey. I owe it to Red as both his friend and his killer.
Bart: Oh, let me go with you, Dad.
Homer: Don't you have school?
Bart: Don't you have work?
Homer: Ahh, touché.

Homer: Look son, it's one of nature's wonders-a convoy!

Homer: Oh yeah, I need something that will keep me awake, alert and restless all night long.
Old Clerk: Well Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these. (Pulls out a bottle labeled Stimu-crank)
Homer: Sold! (Takes pills and eats them all)
Old Clerk: You can't take that many pep pills at once!
Homer: Don't worry. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but i don't wanna eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated! (cries)

Bart: Dad, they're going to kill us!
Homer: Oh, why do all my trips end like this?

Simpsons Bible StoriesEdit

Homer (as Adam): [to Marge (as Eve)] You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

(The Simpsons watch as their neighborhood is engulfed by The Apocalypse)

Marge: Oh, no, it's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.
Lisa: It's The Rapture, and I never knew true love.
Homer: I never used those pizza coupons.

Wiggum: Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodusing" as we speak.
Skinner: Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
Wiggum: Okay, but who's gonna build your pyramids?
Skinner: Well, we-- After them!

Milhouse as Moses: (Israelites reach the Red Sea as the Egyptians chase them) Screw this! I'm converting. Save us, O Mighty Ra!

Slave Lisa: Now we have 40 years of wandering in the desert.
Milhouse/Moses: Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?
Slave Lisa: Uh, more or less...Hey, is that manna?

Bart/David: Goliath II is gonna pay. And this time, it's biblical.

Mom and Pop ArtEdit

Homer: English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?!
[...]
Homer: [some time later] Yeah, that's one fine looking barbeque pit. WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT?! [screams in rage] WHY?! Why must life be so hard!? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry?!

[Homer is getting hit by soup cans thrown by Andy Warhol]
Andy Warhol: Soup's on, fat boy.
[Homer is on the ground whimpering. Warhol approaches him with a larger soup can. Homer awakes from the dream.]
Homer: Andy! No!
Marge: Homer! Homer!
Homer: [waking up] Oh, Marge! Why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. [he holds up his arm, his fist is through one of Andy Warhol's Soup Can paintings] Oh. Let's get out of here.

Homer: [as he looks at a picture of "Life in Hell"'s Akbar and Jeff] Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.

Skinner: Edna, look! A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest.
Krabappel: You mean the janitor's closet? Ha!
Skinner: Oh, what's the matter, Edna? Lately you just say "ha!" to everything.
Krabappel: I want a baby... Now! [Bart is watching them]
Skinner: Why don't we continue this in Pool Supplies?

Homer: How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can all burn evidence in it.

[as Homer attempts to get rid of the barbecue pit by putting it in the "Toys for Tots" bin...]
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus. That box is for toys only.
Homer: Well, of course! Any kid would love to have this ... activity center. It teaches them while they learn!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, nice try, Saint Nick. Now hit the road, Kris Kringle!
Homer: But...but--
Chief Wiggum: You heard me, [pokes Homer's gut with nightstick] Père Noël. [Homer puts the barbecue pit on the cart and leaves; Fat Tony, Legs, and Louie come and dump a body in a bag into the bin] Whatcha got there?
Louie: Beanie Baby.

Astrid: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: [gasps] In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Be a Mental Patient, Hillbilly, or Chimpanzee"!

Homer: Lisa, all great artists love free food. Check out Jasper Johns.
Jasper Johns: [stuffs food into his jacket] You squeal on me, I'll kill you.

Marge: Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture, but don't you think it may have been a fluke?
Homer: Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.
Marge: That's my life you're describing!
Homer: I think I remember my own life, Marge.

Homer: Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer, and these are my fans: Gunter, Kilto, and Cecil Hamstead on Cecil Cecil.
Moe: So, uh, you guys are Euro trash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?
Gunter: Eh, to be honest, we are a drift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
Moe: Uh-huh, so where might this sea be located?

Homer: Why don't people like my art anymore?
Marge: Homer, I know you worked hard, but all of your ... things were kind of the same.
Homer: Hey, Ray Jay Johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been.
Lisa: Who?
Homer: "You can call him Ray, or you can call him Jay, or you can call him Ray Jay, but you doesn't have to call him..."
Lisa: I'm sick of him already.

[Homer and Bart are throwing welcome mats out of the car windows, covering up the street drains]
Bart: Hit the road, "Welcome home"!
Homer: Adiós, "Casa de Flanders"!
Bart: See you in Hell, "God bless this house"!
Homer: So long, "The Simpsons"! ... D'OH!!

[as Homer opens up the fire hydrants]
Bart: Are you sure this is art and not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

[after Homer floods Springfield]
Astrid: [while floating on a log] I love it, Homer! You've turned this town into a work of art! I just wish Jasper Johns hadn't stolen my boat.
Jasper Johns: [speeds by on a motorboat which splashes Astrid] So long, suckers!

Flanders: Maude, it's a miracle! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
Maude: [gasps] Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Flanders: Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.

Marge: Well, Homer, I have to admit, you created something people really love. You truly are an artist.
Homer: No, I'm just a nut who couldn't build a barbecue.

The Old Man and The "C" StudentEdit

Abe: Settle a bet. Boil or mole?

Bart: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
(Bart is about to say something when Skinner quickly puts his hand over his mouth)
Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.
(the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning)
Ralph: Intercourse?
Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
(Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no")

Monty Can't Buy Me LoveEdit

Mr Burns: It's time to win the love of these hate-filled morons.

Mr Burns: The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?

Mr Burns: Simpson! I want to be loved.
Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

Selma: Single? He passes the Selma test!

They Saved Lisa's BrainEdit

(Homer talks to the boudoir photographer over the phone)
Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.
Homer: I don't, but the block association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa.

Lisa: [writing her letter] We can better ourselves!
[Lisa then sees a naked Bart riding a pig in the hallway]
Lisa: [to herself] Well, most of us.

[Stephen Hawking and Homer go for beers at Moe's]

Stephen Kawking: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.
Homer Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.
Moe: All right, it's closing time. Who's payin' the tab?
Homer: [imitating Hawking's voice] I am.
Stephen Hawking: I didn't say that.
Homer: [still imitating Hawking] Yes, I did. [Hawking hits Homer in the face with the boxing glove from his wheelchair] D'oh.

Thirty Minutes Over TokyoEdit

Groundskeeper Willie: Let's see what's been captured in the Up-Kilt camera.
Ugh, this lass needs a bit of groundskeepin'. Agh, that's Willie!

PA: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.

Marge: C'mon Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides if we wanted to see Japanese people, we could've gone to the zoo.
Marge (offended by Homer's allegedly racist comment): Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He was in my book club.
Lisa: Look, Mom, the safety instructions are written in haiku.
"Fasten seat belts tight.
Your seat cushions float gently.
Headsets, five dollars."

Japanese toilet: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.
Homer: (gasps) They're years ahead of us!
Bart (as he turns on the TV in the next room): Mom, Lis, check it out, Dad's on TV.
Homer (unzips his pants and sits on the toilet): Oh, yeah!
Marge, Bart & Lisa (from the next room): Agghh!

Captain: Uh, folks, we’re experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I’m going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on. When we get to 35 thousand feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to worry about is Mothra, and, uh, we do have reports he’s tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Lenny: Hey, isn't that Homer on the Japanese channel?
Moe: Wait a minute. If that's Homer, who's been putting beers on his tab?
Barney: [dressed unconvincingly as Homer] D'oh! Woo-hoo! Uh.... That boy ain't right!