The Office (U.S. TV series)
The Office (2005–2013) is an American NBC situation comedy and mockumentary, based on the British show of the same name, set in a paper-products office in Scranton, Pennsylvania where Andrew Bernard, the position formerly held by Michael Scott, manages a group of employees.
- The Office (UK TV series) has a separate Wikiquote page.
- Michael: [re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
- Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.
Diversity Day [1.02]
- Michael: Hi, I'm Michael Scott Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because Today is almost over.
- Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
- Pam: [during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.
- Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo!
Health Care [1.03]
- Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.
- Pam: [Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.
- Jim: Oh, great.
- Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
- Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
- Pam: Nice.
- Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
- Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
- Jim: Dwight, don't you need health insurance?
- Dwight: Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
- Pam: Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?
- Dwight: So I can lower it.
The Alliance [1.04]
- Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
- Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
- Meredith: I... get it.
- Michael: When I retire, I—I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But— it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"
- Oscar: [who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.
- Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
- Michael: [trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
- Dwight: Gimli.
- Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Hot Girl [1.06]
- Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
- Roy: Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?
- Jim: Cute, sure.
- Roy: Why don't you get on that?
- Jim: She's not really my type.
- Roy: What are you, gay?
- Jim: Mmm... I don't think so, nope.
- Kevin: Well what is your type?
- Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.
- Roy: That is disgusting.
- Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
- Jim: Too late, Kev.
The Dundies [2.01]
- Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.
- Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Sexual Harassment [2.02]
- Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
- Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
- Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
- Jim: Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
- Michael: That's what she said!
- Michael: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's not really a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
- Dwight: [to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?
- Toby: [talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Office Olympics [2.03]
- Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
- Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like... Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
The Fire [2.04]
- Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
- Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
- Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
- Dwight: I'm a Sith lord!!
- Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
- Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
- Michael: Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.
The Fight [2.06]
- Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
- Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
The Client [2.07]
- Michael: [on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?
- Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
- Michael: No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.
Performance Review [2.08]
- Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy.
- Pam: Thank you.
- Michael: And a woman.
- Pam: Oh no.
- Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Email Surveillance [2.09]
- Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections... there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...
- Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.
Christmas Party [2.10]
- Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
- Kevin: Kevin Malone.
- Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
- Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
- Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
- Ryan: Ryan Howard.
- Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
- Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
- Michael: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
- Michael: Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.
Booze Cruise [2.11]
- Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
- Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.
- Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.
- Michael: *throws up in barf bag* I'm on medication.
- Brenda: Really? What?
- Michael: Vomicillin.
The Injury [2.12]
- Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon—sue me—and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
- Michael: [calling from the conference room] Pam, come in here please.
- Pam: Tell me before I come there.
- Michael: [Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.
- Pam: No.
- Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.
- [Jim and Michael are driving a concussed Dwight to the hospital in Meredith's van. Dwight is opening a bottle of whisky]
- Michael: Dwight, what're you doing
- Dwight: I found it under the seat.
- Jim: Oh my God! Dwight! Put it down!
- Dwight: I'm thirsty. [Jim sprays him] No!
- Jim: Give the bottle to Michael.
- Dwight: No. I'm thirsty.
- Michael: Give the bottle to me, Dwight. [To Jim] Just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired.
- Dwight: You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!
- Michael: Give it to me, Dwight! [tries to grab it]
- Dwight: No. [takes a sip] Mmm... [babbles insanely]
The Secret [2.13]
- Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.
- Pam: What did you guys talk about?
- Jim: Oh, just you know—politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
- Pam: I hate you.
The Carpet [2.14]
- Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
- Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
Boys and Girls [2.15]
- Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
- Jim: What is?
- Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
- [Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a "men's day"]
- Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met "the Others"?
Valentine's Day [2.16]
- Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
- Jan: Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I’m very nervous.
Dwight's Speech [2.17]
- Dwight: [giving a speech at a paper selling conference] BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY!
- Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".
- Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "lilkidlover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
- Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
- Creed: That is correct.
Michael's Birthday [2.19]
- Dwight: [After he didn't tip the sub man] Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
- Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
- Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
Drug Testing [2.20]
- Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
- Dwight: [deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.
- Jim: Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.
Conflict Resolution [2.21]
- Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
- Jim : Dwight tried to kiss me.
- Michael : What?
- Jim : And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
- Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
- Jim : Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Casino Night [2.22]
- Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
- Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
- Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
- Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
- Phyllis: Afghani.
- Michael: What?
- Phyllis: Afghani.
- Michael: That's a dog.
- Pam: No, that's afghan.
- Michael: That's a shawl.
- Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
- Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
- Creed: Who has AIDS?
- Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.
- [In reference to Michael's plan to invite the boy scout troop that the proceeds will be donated to]
- Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?
- Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.
- Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
- Pam: What?
- Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
- Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
- Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
- Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
- Jim: Yeah.
- Pam: You have no idea—
- Jim: Don't do that.
- Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
- Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Gay Witch Hunt [3.01]
- Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.
- Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.
- Michael: You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.
The Convention [3.02]
- Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
- Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!
The Coup [3.03]
- Dwight: [crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!
- Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
- Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
- Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
- Dwight: Yeah...
- Michael: What's his name?
- Dwight: ...Crentist.
- Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
- Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?
Grief Counseling [3.04]
- Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
- Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
- Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
- Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.
- Pam: What time is it there?
- Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
- Pam: Uh, oh, yeah, right.
- Jim: How far away did you think we were?
- Pam: I don't know. It felt far.
- Jim: ...Yeah.
- Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
- Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
- Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
- Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.
- Karen: Andy! No a cappella!
Branch Closing [3.07]
- Jim: I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So for time to time, I send Dwight faxes...from himself...from the future.
- Dwight: [reading fax] Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight. [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO!
- Michael: It is an outrage, that’s all. They’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see Josh replace these people. Let’s see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don’t. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
- Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.
The Merger [3.08]
- Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.
- Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
- Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.
- Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me then.
- Andy: On the contrary.
- Dwight: My title has "manager" in it.
- Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
- Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
- Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
- Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
- Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.
The Convict [3.09]
- Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
- Michael: I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!
- Angela: Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?
- Prison Mike: Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!
- Jim: Where did you learn all of this?
- Prison Mike: Internet.
- Jim: So, not prison.
- Prison Mike: And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
- Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
- Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.
- Jim: That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.
- Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!
- Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.
A Benihana Christmas [3.10 & 3.11]
- Dwight: [bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
- Toby: C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.
- Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.
- Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
- Michael: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
- Stanley: What's that mean?
- Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.
- Ryan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.
- Michael: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.
- Michael: Why do I feel like crap?
- Jim: You just had a rebound.
- Michael: A rebound?
- Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like— the one that broke your heart.
Back From Vacation [3.12]
- Pam: [seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?
- Michael: No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.
- Michael: Jan? You complete me.
- Jan: ...Oh god.
Traveling Salesmen [3.13]
- Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.
- Jan: And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."
The Return [3.14]
- Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
- Michael: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
Ben Franklin [3.15]
- Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
- Michael: Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
- Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
- Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
- Michael: Well then, my man meat he shall have.
Phyllis' Wedding [3.16]
- Dwight: There's too many people in this world. We need a new plague.
- Dwight: I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.
- Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
- Pam: What do you mean?
- Kelly: Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.
- Pam: Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.
- Kelly: There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
- Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.
Business School [3.17]
- Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.
- Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.
- Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?
- Michael: I love you, Jan.
- Jan: Okay.
The Negotiation [3.19]
- Michael: No need for consternation. Everything is under control.
- Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
- Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
- Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that... wow. Genius.
- Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case, when it inevitably goes to trial.
- Michael: [wearing a women's suit] I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.
- Michael: It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.
Safety Training [3.20]
- Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
- Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.
- Dwight: Okay, tell him that that's not true.
- Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
- Dwight: Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!
- Jim: Andy... nah, that's too far.
- Dwight: Damn you.
- Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut!
- Michael: I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say... but, yes.
Product Recall [3.21]
- Creed: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
- Andy: Beer me!
- Jim: What's that?
- Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
- Jim: Lord, beer me strength.
- Jim: Question, what kind of bear is best?
- Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
- Jim: False. Black bear.
- Dwight: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
- Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Women's Appreciation [3.22]
- Dwight: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
- Dwight: I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
- Pam: Phallus?
- Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
- Angela: Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So, I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.
- Michael: There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...
Beach Games [3.23]
- Michael: Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
- Stanley: Oh sweet mother of God.
- Michael: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
- Stanley: Excuse me.
- Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.
- Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.
- Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.
- Dwight: Sabotage.
- Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
- Dwight: No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
- Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
- Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.
The Job [3.24 & 3.25]
- Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.
- Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.
- Dwight: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
- Jim: Oh, hey, Dwight.
- Dwight: I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.
- Jim: Does my room have cable?
- Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire!
- Jim: Can I change rooms?
- Dwight: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
- Jim: Can I have a late check-out?
- Dwight: I'll have to talk to the manager.
- Jim: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
- Dwight: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
- Jim: Okay, just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
- Dwight: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
- Jim: Go.
- Dwight: $80,000 a year.
- Dwight: Don’t you want to earn Schrute bucks?
- Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
- Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
- Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
- Pam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...
- [Jim walks in on interview]
- Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
- Pam: Yes.
- Jim: All right. Then... it's a date.
- [Jim leaves. Pam smiles and tears up]
- Pam: I'm sorry, what was the question?
Fun Run [4.01 & 4.02]
- Pam: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial... Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure. This is Pam.
- Michael: Pro-Am.
- Pam: ...Pro-Am Race For The- They hung up.
- Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
- Dwight: WHERE!!?
- Phyllis: WHEN!!?
- Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could and she is going to be okay.
- Stanley: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?
- Pam: Thank goodness you were there
- Michael: [shaking his head nervously] Yeah...
- Andy: Did you see who did it?
- Dwight: No need. We can just check the security tapes
- Michael: It's kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
- Jim: Who was driving?
- Pam: oh Michael...
- Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway...... I wonder who he ran over then
- Michael: I ran down Meredith in my car.
- Ryan: Did you do this on purpose?
- Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in—
- Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
- Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.
- Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
- Michael: Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"
- Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
- Angela: [after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?
- Dwight: Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.
- Michael: It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious but I'm a little stitious.
- Michael: Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
- Kelly: That's Buddhists.
- Michael: Are you sure?
- Kelly: No.
- Michael: Guess what. I have flaws. What are they?. Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me!.. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make.
Dunder Mifflin Infinity [4.03 & 4.04]
- Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.
- Creed: [to Ryan] Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.
- Michael: Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.
- Dwight: [to Angela] I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.
- Michael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!
Launch Party [4.05 & 4.06]
- Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
- Michael: It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.
- Angela: I can't do this. I can't do it.
- Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?
- Angela: Okay. Okay.
- Michael: No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.
- Stanley: Find anything?
- Kevin: I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.
- Oscar: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?
- Stanley: Can't you guys do it?
- Oscar: 'Cause we're looking up "jail time".
- Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
- Pam: Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight."
- Jim: That's when I knew. You?
- Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."
- Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me.
- Pam: Yep.
- Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
- Pam: Nope.
- Michael: Ryan just so you know, one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer asshole
- Ryan: That`s Michael, Always with a joke
- Pizza Boy: If anyone is listening, i`m being held here against my will, I`m a minor.
Money [4.07 & 4.08]
- Michael: We'll ask Powerpoint.
- Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
- Michael: You're a presentation tool!
- Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.
- Michael: I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!
- Oscar: I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
- Michael: I didn't say it. I declared it.
- Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. As soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll have that power back on.
- Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.
- Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
- Dwight: [sobs]
- Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy... and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.
Local Ad [4.09]
- Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
- Jim: Oh, it has losers.
- Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.
Branch Wars [4.10]
- Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.
- Karen: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?
- Dwight: Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
- Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
- Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
- Michael: Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.
Survivor Man [4.11]
- Pam: [about the corporate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
- Michael: Ten years, you'll figure it out.
- Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
- Michael: That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.
- Jim: That's what who said?
- Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
- Jim: That's what she said.
- Michael: Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.
The Deposition [4.12]
- Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.
- Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.
- Jan's lawyer: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
- Michael: Six years and two months.
- Jan's lawyer: And you were directly under her the whole time?
- Michael: That's what she said.
- Jan's lawyer: Excuse me?
- Michael: [slowly] That's what she said.
Dinner Party [4.13]
- Jan: I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?
- Michael: I don't like that story, babe.
- Jan: Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
- Michael: Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.
- Jan: You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!
- Michael: [laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.
- Angela: ...You shouldn't say that.
- Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!
- Jan: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.
- Michael: I am sorry too.
- Jan: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!
- Michael: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?
- Jan: I hate my life.
Chair Model [4.14]
- Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?
- Andy: I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.
Night Out [4.15]
- Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
- Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
- Pam: There is a spare key, and a master key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked "What if you die, Dwight, how will we get into the office?", he said "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."
Did I Stutter? [4.16]
- Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.
- Michael: Friends joke with one another. Hey you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends do.
- Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife: I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.
Job Fair [4.17]
- Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.
- Pam: Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?
Goodbye, Toby [4.18 & 4.19]
- [Michael and Dwight discuss Holly, Toby's replacement]
- Dwight: So what do we know about her?
- Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.
- Dwight: I hate her, too.
- Michael: Why do you hate her?
- Dwight: Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.
- Michael: You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.
- Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?
- Michael: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.
- Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
- Michael: [learning he is not father of Jan's baby] You cheated on me...when I specifically asked you not to?
- Holly: [thinks Kevin is slow] Hi!
- Kevin: Hi.
- Holly: What do you do?
- Kevin: I do the numbers.
- Holly: Oh, good for you!
- Kevin: You want an M&M?
- Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. Thank you, though.
- Kevin: I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
- Holly: Well, that is a very safe place for them.
- Kevin: [smiling] Yeah.
- Jim: [calling Ryan's voicemail] Hey Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you, lately. But you know what? I really don't care. Because you're trying to get rid of me, and I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back. But you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place. But guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [Hangs up]
- Oscar: Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.
- Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?
- Angela: ...Okay.
- Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.
- Angela: I said, okay.
- Andy: She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!
- Jim: [after pairing his headset with Dwight's cell phone] Hello this is Dwight.
- Pam: [on phone] Is this Dwight?
- Jim: Yes, it is.
- Pam: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.
- Jim: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
- Dwight: Woah! Woah! Woah! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim!
- Pam: Dwight?
- Dwight: No! [waving] I'm over here!
- Pam: I'm confused.
Weight Loss [5.01 & 5.02]
- Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
- Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
- [cuts to Creed in an interview]
- Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
- Ryan: Kelly.
- Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
- Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.
- Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
- Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
- Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
- Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
- Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
- Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
- Michael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
- Meredith: [About Kelly] I like her nails.
- Michael: Okay, be more specific.
- Meredith: I like her finger nails.
Business Ethics [5.03]
- Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
- Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!
- Oscar: Exactly, Andy.
- Andy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.
- Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
- Andy: No, that's... not how it works.
- Michael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.
Baby Shower [5.04]
- Michael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But... cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.
- Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.
- Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Crime Aid [5.05]
- Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
- Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.
Employee Transfer [5.06]
- Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...
- Pam: [dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.
Customer Survey [5.07]
- Kelly: Dwight, get out of my nook.
- Pam: [heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
- Jim: Good one.
- Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. Schindler's List parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.
Business Trip [5.08]
- Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.
- Dwight: [Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.
- Pam: Uh, yeah.
- Dwight: Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.
- Pam: I'm not going inside.
- Dwight: Alright, first thing in the morning then.
- Jim: [to Pam] Welcome back.
Frame Toby [5.09]
- Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
- Michael: I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.
- Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.
The Surplus [5.10]
- Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
- Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
- Michael: Ho-oh!
- Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
- Michael: Yeah.
- Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
- Michael: I'll be six.
- Andy: What's that smell?
- Dwight: You're going to need to be more specific.
- Angela: It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.
- Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
- Angela: You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
- Dwight: You want to eat, don't you?
Moroccan Christmas [5.11]
- Phyllis: Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.
- Michael: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
The Duel [5.12]
- Michael: My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever... [In an interview] Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An Improversation.
- Dwight: [Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!
- Andy: I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
- Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
- Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
- Dwight: Last year, idiot.
Prince Family Paper [5.13]
- Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
- Angela: I'm not voting.
- Jim: No one cares.
- Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
- Michael: That is true.
- Dwight: Yes.
- Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.
- Dwight: Yeah.
- Michael: Jan...Ryan.
Stress Relief [5.14 & 5.15]
- Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!
- Stanley: Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my casket.
- Oscar: I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.
- David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
- Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
- Michael: Electricity.
- Dwight: Shampoo.
- Jim: [regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?
- Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.
- Jim: You okay?
- Pam: Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.
Lecture Circuit (Part 1) [5.16]
- Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.
- Jim: Are you kidding?
- Dwight: Well, I'm not done yet.
- Jim: Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
- Dwight: They match the carpet.
- Jim: What is that? [points to sign] "It is your birthday, period."
- Dwight: It's a statement of fact.
- Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
- Dwight: This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!
- Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Lecture Circuit (Part 2) [5.17]
- Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
- Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
- Jim: Didn't see that one coming.
- Kelly: I'm too excited to sleep!
Blood Drive [5.18]
- Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...
- Michael: It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
- Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
- Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
- Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.
Golden Ticket [5.19]
- Dwight: Knock, knock.
- Michael: Who's there?
- Dwight: The KGB.
- Michael: The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]
- Dwight: VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!
- . . .
- Jim: Ding dong.
- Michael: Who's there?
- Jim: The KGB.
- Michael: ...Dwight, get the door.
- Dwight: I'm not answering the door.
- Michael: Answer the door.
- Dwight: I'm not answering it.
- Jim: Ding dong.
- Dwight: No way, its the KGB.
- Jim: Ding dong, ding dong.
- Dwight: I'm not gonna answer it.
- Jim: [slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!
- Dwight: ...It's true.
- Kevin: Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.
- Lynn: Okay.
- Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
- Lynn: Okay.
- Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.
New Boss [5.20]
- Michael: This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.
- Andy: Hey-oh!
- Charles: No, it is not.
- Michael: No, it is not.
- Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
- Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
- Charles: Okay, Michael.
- Michael: Okay, Michael.
- Charles: No, seriously.
- Michael: No, seriously.
- Charles: How old are you?
- Michael: How old are you?
- [cuts to Pam in an interview]
- Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.
Two Weeks [5.21]
- Toby: Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?
- Michael: Stanley!
- Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
- Michael: Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.
- Stanley: No.
- Michael: Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...
- Stanley: No.
- Michael: You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.
- Stanley: No I didn't.
Dream Team [5.22]
- Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.
- Bowling Alley Employee: [to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!
Michael Scott Paper Company [5.23]
- Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
- Michael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
Heavy Competition [5.24]
- Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
- Dwight: You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
- Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
- Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
- Michael: [tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!
- Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."
- Michael: I have no shortage of company names.
- David Wallace: Michael...
- Michael: That's one of them.
Casual Friday [5.26]
- Creed: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.
- Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
- Creed: I thought you were gay.
- Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
- Creed: I don't know.
- Dwight: When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.
Cafe Disco [5.27]
- Jim: So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."
- Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.
- Dwight: This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.
Company Picnic [5.28]
- Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm gonna tell her. [quickly looks at crinkled note and looks back up] Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The...and the reason is...because, in terms of the soup we like to eat. That doesn't make any sense. [checks note again] We're soulmates! Holly and I are soulmates.
- Michael: I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
- Jim: This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.
- Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all! Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.
- Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
- Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
- Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
- Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
- Michael: You should've told me.
- Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.
- Creed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?
The Meeting [6.02]
- Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today.
- Oscar: Is everything ok?
- Michael: Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
- Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?
- Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
- Oscar: Ok.
- Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?
- Oscar: Yeah. [leaves]
- David Wallace: A cheese platter?
- Andy: Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.
The Promotion [6.03]
- Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
- Michael: You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
- Jim: You mean on a weekend.
- Michael: ...Yes.
Niagara [6.04 & 6.05]
- Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.
- Jim: I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?
- Pam: Like a year!
- Jim: I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.
- Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
- Kevin: They were stolen?
- Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
- Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
- Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
- Michael: They asked for cash but, you know, I give them cash every week. So, how much cash does a person need? I have taken it on myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.
- Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.
- Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.
- Toby: [In interview] Oscar said I checked out? [shrugs] Well...
- Dwight: "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.
The Lover [6.07]
- Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
- Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
- Michael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quizno's? I see her four times a week.
Koi Pond [6.08]
- Dwight: Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But—
- Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Dammit, he'd still look good.
Double Date [6.09]
- Dwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
- Michael: I am going to give you a raise.
- Pam: Why?
- Michael: Because of all the good work you've done.
- Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
- Michael: That's... no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
- Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
- Michael: Do you want the raise or what?
- Pam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
- Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
- Pam: You're bribing me?
- Michael: No! No... no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't... unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or—
- Pam: I want to hit you.
- Michael: What?
- Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.
- Jim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.
- Pam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
- Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
- Pam: I do not.
- Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
- Kevin: Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.
- Andy: Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?
- Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.
- Michael: [in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
- Andy: Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
- Michael: Definitely.
- Dwight: Smells like it.
- Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
- Dwight: Word.
- Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- [The limo driver raises the divider window]
- Alan: There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
- Dwight: Yes!
- Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]
Scott's Tots [6.12]
- Pam: Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
- Andy: That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.
- Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
- Dwight: [feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
- Pam: Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
- Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
- Pam: [in confessional] Yup!
- Michael: I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.
Secret Santa [6.13]
- Michael: David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
- David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
- Michael: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
- David: Michael...
- Michael: I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis—a woman—has uslurped my role as Santa.
- Jim: [to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.
The Banker [6.14]
- Michael: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And I'm...pretty nervous about it. And I'm...making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star...or any number of drag queens.
- Toby: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.
- Christian Slater: So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi, I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.
- Andy: Hey, any fun weekend plans?
- Erin: No, you?
- Andy: Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?
- Erin: Nothing. It's wide open.
- Andy: Okay.
- [cuts to Andy in an interview]
- Andy: That's as hard as I can hint.
Manager and Salesman [6.16]
- Jo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know? You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
- Jim: I don't think so.
- Jo: Michael?
- Michael: Forget the question.
- Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
- Michael: I humbly accept the management position.
- Jim: Why would you just say something like that?
- Michael: Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
- Jim: You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I'm think I'm definitely in it for the money. And, quite honestly, the women.
The Delivery [6.17 & 6.18]
- Pam: I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
- Jim: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
- Pam: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
- Jim: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
- Pam: I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
- Dwight: Bear my child.
- Angela: Excuse me?
- Dwight: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.
- Michael: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together and I made a family.
- Erin: Did you grow up around here?
- Kevin: No.
- Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
- Kevin: Yes.
- Michael: Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.
- Erin: Hey.
- Kevin: Hi.
- Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together.
- Kevin: Yeah, me too.
- Erin: I want to continue working on our friendship.
- Kevin: Really, really fun.
- Erin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
- Kevin: Yeah, me too.
- Erin: And, you're my friend.
- Kevin: Yeah.
- Erin: And I hope that I'm your friend... and maybe...
- Kevin: Yeah.
- Michael: Oh my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
- Kevin: You said she liked me.
- Michael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
St. Patrick's Day [6.19]
- Michael: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
- Dwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
New Leads [6.20]
- Gabe: Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
- Michael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just...imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.
- Pam: Hey baby, what's up?
- Jim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
- Pam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
- Jim: Oh my God, I couldn't envy you more.
- Dwight: Hope... grows
- Michael: ...in a dump.
Happy Hour [6.21]
- [Isabel watches Dwight play Whack-a-Mole]
- Isabel: You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
- Dwight: Whacking moles.
- Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, Yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die! Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No english, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!
Secretary's Day [6.22]
- Erin: And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and... I don't know. I couldn't keep up.
- Michael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
Body Language [6.23]
- Dwight: I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.
- Kelly: Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.
- Creed: You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.
- Dwight: I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.
The Cover-Up [6.24]
- Dwight: Stop it!
- Jim: Stop what?
- Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!
- Jim: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
- [cut to Jim and Pam in interview]
- Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
- Dwight: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.
The Chump [6.25]
- Michael: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband...or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
- Meredith: That is something I would never do.
- Michael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
- Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
- [cut to Meredith in interview]
- Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"
- Jo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: "What do we do when we find the guilty party?" And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well, nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.
- Nick: I saw all your hard drives and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! Alright? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it. Check it out. [gives everyone the finger and leaves]
- Michael: Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother - who also happens to be my half-sister - kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years ago...14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of "Ace Ventura II" and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
- Pam: Dwight is about to get so Pammed!
- Phyllis: I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
- Michael: Thank you, doctor. Take two of these [flips Toby off with both middle fingers] and call me in the morning.
Andy's Play [7.03]
- Andy: Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.
- Dwight: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
Sex Ed [7.04]
- Holly: Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this, you know.
- Michael: Do what?
- Holly: You romanticize things.
- Michael: I don't romanticize th...No...
- Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
- Michael: "He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation."
- Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?
- Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
- Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
- Meredith: Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.
The Sting [7.05]
- Pam: Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.
- Jim: What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.
- Pam: That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.
- Jim: Yeah, I thought you started it.
- Pam: No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. You know I have a kid with you, right?
- Michael: This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Guh! Crap, I forgot about Packer...
Costume Contest [7.06]
- Dwight: If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
- Jim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
- Dwight: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.
- Michael: Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing.
- Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.
- Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
- Michael: You know what, guys? Let's just enjoy lunch.
- Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael, sometimes...
- Toby: [looking up at the church ceiling] Why you always got to be so mean to me?
Viewing Party [7.08]
- Andy: Why does Erin like Gabe?
- Darryl: Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.
- Andy: That's really nice. Thank you.
- Darryl: And I'd blow your mind.
- Michael: If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.
- Stanley: Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.
- Gabe: When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room, okay, so these old guys are walking around naked. Feels almost passive-agressive. But I deal with it, because it's policy. See what I mean?
- Jim: Nope.
- Gabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
- Jim: Okay.
- Gabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it and I just...look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.
- Dwight: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity, I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.
- Jim: Around here, Oscar is known as "Actually" because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.
Classy Christmas [7.11 & 7.12]
- Erin: Who's Holly, guys?
- Michael: That is a good question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe - just maybe - a part of my future?
- Creed: She's one sassy black lady.
- Andy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.
- Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18-years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life!
- [After meeting Angela's boyfriend Robert]
- Oscar: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.
- Dwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all: it's fear. Merry Christmas.
The Ultimatum [7.13]
- Michael: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness.
- Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. "Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa."
- [cut to Darryl in interview]
- Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.
The Seminar [7.14]
- [Michael bumps into David Brent coming out of an elevator]
- David: Oh, sorry, mate.
- Michael: [in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."
- David: [laughing] What are you doing?
- Michael: English.
- David: You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.
- Michael: No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?
- David: Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?
- Michael: I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.
- David: Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
- [they shake hands]
- Michael: Michael Scott.
- David: Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.
- Michael: I do Ping!
- David: "Herro! Herro!"
- Michael: "Herro, I'm Ping!"
- David: You can't do that these days.
- Michael: No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
- David: No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!
- [Michael hugs David]
- Michael: That's good! A pleasure to meet you!
- David: Where are you working?
- Michael: Dunder Mifflin.
- David: Any jobs going?
- Michael: No, not right now.
- David: Just let me know.
- Michael: Alright. See you around.
- David: OK, man.
- Michael: Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.
- Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?
The Search [7.15]
- Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special and she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.
- Dwight: You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.
- Michael: Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
- Erin: So tell me about your new girlfriend.
- Andy: She's neat. I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.
- Erin: Aw, cute.
Threat Level Midnight [7.17]
- Michael: [as Michael Scarn] It's going to take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn!
- Jim: [as Goldenface] Oh, someone's coming alright. The only man who would care: Michael Scarn. See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good.
- [cut to Jim in interview]
- Jim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.
- Michael: I am a huge Woody Allen fan, although I've only seen Antz. But I'll tell you something. What I respect most about that man is that when was going through that stuff from the press that said Antz was basically a rip-off of Bug's Life, he stood true to his films, or at least the one I saw, which again is Antz. The thing is, I thought Bug's Life was better. Much better than Antz. Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.
Todd Packer [7.18]
- Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.
- Jim: Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it's his own number.
- Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
- Jim: ...He's a crime fighting beaver.
Garage Sale [7.19]
- Pam: [seeing Michael pouring gasoline all over the parking lot] Michael! Michael!
- Michael: Hi.
- Pam: Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
- Michael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
- Pam: Why do you need more gas?
- Michael: Well, I'm writing a message.
- Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
- Michael: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
- Pam: Are you proposing?!
- Michael: Maybe.
- Pam: Wow.
- Michael: Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
- Pam: Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]
- Michael: Pam.
- Pam: Yep?
- Michael: Could you light this please?
- Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
- Michael: I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
- Pam: This is terrible.
- Michael: [imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
- Holly: [also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.
- [Michael puts the ring on Holly's finger, and they kiss as everyone else pours in to congratulate them]
- Michael: So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.
- Kevin: All of us?
- Michael: Yep.
- Jim: Wait, what?
- Michael: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.
Training Day [7.20]
- Deangelo: To beginnings and endings.
- Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
- Deangelo: The moms and the troops.
- Michael: Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
- Deangelo: I won't. I don't know her.
- Michael: I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
- Deangelo: Colorado! The Sunshine State.
- Michael: Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
- Deangelo: Doing some skiing?
- Michael: No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
- Deangelo: Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
- Deangelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut I was itchy for three days, OK? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.
Michael's Last Dundies [7.21]
- Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir! Are we having fun tonight?
- Jim: Having a great time.
- Deangelo: Oh good!
- Jim: Thanks, yeah.
- Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
- Michael: No! God!
- Michael: Sorry we're late, we were waiting in line at the DMV
- Deangelo: Fall asleep right after sex...right guys?
- Jim: Nope, go back to the script
- [The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]
- Andy: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
- All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
- Pam: In costumes!
- Jim: And impressions!
- Toby: In meetings.
- Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.
- Kevin: For birthdays!
- Stanley: More meetings and...
- Women: ...E-mail forwards you made us read.
- All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
- Meredith: You hit me with your car!
- Ryan: You helped me get off drugs!
- Creed: I watch you when you sleep.
- Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me!
- All: Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.
- Erin and Kelly: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
- Deangelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!
- All: Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.
Goodbye, Michael [7.22]
- Dwight: [reading Michael's recommendation letter] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. "The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme." That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme." [holding back tears] Lots more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulls out a small card from the envelope and reads it] "Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball." Oooh yeah.
- Jim: So I've been meaning to tell you, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.
- Michael: Oh...
- Jim: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?
- Michael: Okay...
- Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?
- Michael: Maybe.
- Jim: Wow, so that's it, huh? Just four o'clock and you are gone for good.
- Michael: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
- Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes...goodbyes are a bitch.
- Michael: [pulls out a tape recorder and speaks into it] T-shirt idea: "Goodbyes Stink." [puts tape recorder away] Okay, alright. So, James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company as a fine young man...
- Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
- Michael: Oh, okay.
- Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you...[tears up]...what a great boss you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had.
- Michael: [voice-over as he leaves the office in a cab, arrives at the airport, and goes through security] Well, got almost everybody, so...Holly's my family now. She's my family, and the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?
[Cut to Michael at last checkpoint putting his shoes back on] Well, I guess this is it. Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. All right...oh. [Removes the wireless mic from his jacket] This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [Hands device over. No audio] That's what she said. Bye.
- [He walks a few steps until Pam, shoes in hand, catches up to him. The dialogue is not heard as they share a couple of hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and he walks down the airport as Pam looks on.]
- Pam: No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope...about Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.
The Inner Circle [7.23]
- Andy: Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.
- Jim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
- Kevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.
- Jim: So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.
- Pam: So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.
- Jim: Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No, a week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now "Junior Employee". Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.
- Jo: Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
- Dwight: Jo, I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
- Jo: What?!
- Dwight: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse...
- Jo: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same...you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
- Dwight: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
- Jo: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
- Dwight: I take full responsibility.
- Jo: Who else would be responsible?
- Dwight: Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
- Pam: You shot a gun off.
- Dwight: OK, did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
- Jo: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
- Dwight: Got it.
Search Committee [7.25 & 7.26]
- Stanley: I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle. Which I intend to.
- Pam: [Pretending to be a client so Creed doesn't ruin the company] Hello, this is...the client.
- Creed: It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps. You in?
- Pam Beesly: Yes.
- Creed: [Laughs] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, OK? I don't want you to be a dead mama jama.
- Robert California: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars worth of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex. You understand what I'm telling you is a universal truth, Toby.
- Kelly: Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
- Jim: Your department's just you, right?
- Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.
- Gabe: What are your weaknesses?
- Kelly: I don't have any, asshole.
- Nellie Bertram: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Singular transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone has the same job. Same goes for me. I'll take your job by rejecting the title. Everyone will be known for their accomplishments.
- Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there. And if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
- Nellie Bertram: Oh... yeah... Scratch everything from before. I'll tell you what: Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss. And that person can fire the person below them. And once a month, the lowest person... [Imitates cutting throat] Buh-bye.
- Gabe: Shut up about the sun. SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN!!
The List [8.1]
- Robert: Here's what it is, it's a doodle. Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised, don't you think?
- Andy: When I was a salesman I could just be like "not my job, not my prob, I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob!" ...Metaphorically, of course.
The Incentive [8.2]
- Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.
- Robert: There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.
- Darryl: I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.
- Jim: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
- Dwight: Well, they whipped people, which was helpful.
Garden Party [8.4]
- Dwight: Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've gone too far.
- Dwight: JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEE PEE HALPERT!
- Toby: [about Dwight] Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing: "You can't bring weapons into the office." And every year, he says the same thing: "As soon as I get my weapons back, I'm gonna kill you."
- Erin: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?
- Pam: Um, two?
- Erin: That's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
- Toby: Do you know her last name yet?
- Gabe: Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
- Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?
- Andy: You're the deuce I never want to drop!
- Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.
- Dwight: Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
- Andy: What e-mails are you talking about?
- Dwight: "Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.
- Andy: That's not that bad actually.
- Dwight: "PS: We should kill him."
Pam's Replacement [8.7]
- Toby: You know it’s not just pregnant women who don’t get their due. You know who’s gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
- Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.
- Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It’s a pregnant Helen Mirren.
- Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now?
- Dwight: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
- Pam: What about before? Was I attractive before?
- Dwight: Meh. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
- Andy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.
- Robert: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.
- Stanley: Well, in the African American community...
- Robert: No.
Christmas Wishes [8.10]
- Dwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
- Andy: That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
- Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?
- Andy: Light side.
- Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
- Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
- Dwight: Thank you, Andy.
- Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
- Andy: Ah, OK.
- Erin: It's about you.
- Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
- Erin: It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
- Andy: Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?
- Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.
- Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
- Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?
- Dwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
- Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
- Dwight: Meat grinder.
- Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
- Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
- Host: Alright guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait, except for The Einsteins.
Pool Party [8.12]
- Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her, so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, "Whoa! Pump the brakes, Bernard, too early!" I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years.
- Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive...and I believe him.
- Dwight: I can't believe you came.
- Michael: That's what she said.
- [The series' last lines]
- Jim: I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid...wonderful...boring...amazing job.
- Pam: I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all, I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?
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